Op, I strongly suggest you go to link at top of divorce board thread, and go to ADVICE NOW site. Get hold of their “diy” guides on divorce. Read. Read some more. Get your head around all three processes on the divorce petition itself, how to reach and seal a financial agreement, and child custody process. these are brilliant guides. Even if you decide on counselling first, knowing the process, your rights, what sort of settlement you’re likely to end up with will help replace some of fear and dread you’re feeling now, with knowledge of how this will probably land if you do separate.
you need to understand about “fair settlement”: how it is based on future needs only, and the 8 or so criteria that may apply to you and husbands circumstances. Do this Before seeing a solicitor as they’ll charge you for every basic question you ask . After their free 30 mins which is basically a sales pitch. ADVICE NOW explains what you need a solicitor for, what you don’t and what you might. Agree to NOTHING in terms of custody and financial//housing stuff until he’s completed (both of you) the full legal financial disclosure forms (form E and D81). And you’re confident he’s declared everything on them. You can’t (either of you) agree to anything until you agree what you’ve got.
also have a look at grief pathway; weirdly you are grieving and will for a while to come. And with that will be all sorts of emotions . Understanding a little about why you feel how you do may help.
do please get help for PND. You are already very vulnerable and this is going to be a tough time. Use your family and friends for support. I had PND and it can be crushing even when that’s the only thing going on,
I know that it’s extrodinarily hard to look after someone with mental health issues, so in that he’s had a tough period too. And you have too. No one is going to feel stuff is same after that. Or that you both haven’t changed. I agree with folks saying some men struggle to not be centre of their partners world and affection after she’s had a baby. Never mind the condom. But the fact he’s so quick to want out, that he lacks insight and maturity to say to himself, and you, that first thing is to work harder together in rebuilding your relationship and MAKING it work, is a real deal breaker. His first thing seems to be to have bought condoms and blamed you entirely. That speaks volumes.
as for50:50, you’re bf so all the time you keep that up forget it….delay maternity return for full 12 months. Keep the bf going. And no, if you divorce you don’t cover for his flexible “I will do custody when I can”, you will need to go to work as some point soon (divorce settlement will assume that you will do this if you worked before when child is school age if not before). He will be responsible and will need to committ to courts a steady fixed arrangment. This is all part of the principe of clean break courts want. If you simply say you can’t be flexible, he’ll have to suck it up and agree based on what he can commit to. You aren’t going to be his support vehicle. Unlike another poster earlier, do return to work once this is settled- it isn’t just money now, it is your career, your self esteem at being something other than a SAHM even after kids grown up and left. It is also your pension. Too many women in pension poverty. There’s a happy medium around SAHM, part time and full time, that only you know, but don’t fall out of work permanently.
I will say, try to park anger and stay agreeable. Divorce will be quicker, cheaper and less stressful for you both if you csn get through it constructively. When you get your final divorce decision, you can let rip with him. My exh abused me over our 30 year marriage at times, I excused it as due to his mental health issues, but I worked hard to get through process amicably. We had a very cheap and quick divorce. The trick I found was sharing the ADVICE NOW guides with him directly for him to read, so he accepted the process, the forms to fill, and thst I wasn’t trying to rip him off.
above all, it will stay an incredibly distressing and difficult time until you can visualise your future. Whatever way you decide to proceed. Until you can see your life with just you and DS, where you’ll live, what income you’ll have, what life will be like with custody split etc, you ill be stressed and fearful mostly. I found it very helpful to talk my option of divorce/not divorce though with someone - saying it aloud made me realise I knew I need to leave.