Husband wants a divorce, we’ve got a baby

[Thepebblesareblue]

We have a 9 month old DS and my husband of not yet 3 years has announced he wants a divorce. He says we have changed since becoming parents and he doesn’t think we get along now. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need emotionally or that he makes me happy, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising. When I asked him for examples he didn’t really have any. He has been saying he’s unhappy since baby was maybe 4 months old, I’ve listened each time and taken on board what he’s said.

What can I do? I’m supposed to be returning to work on Friday after maternity leave, this is not how I imagined the last week of maternity leave would be. I’m reeling and feel as though I am carrying such a lot at the moment. He’s said he is willing to go to counselling but feels very stuck in the current situation and does not see it changing.

The silver linings I guess, I have more family support & practical help nearby. We could move in with family if we needed to. He does not, at all. The relatives he does have don’t live very near. Neither of us could afford the family home on our own so it would mean selling. He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away so I have no idea how he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to. I’m supposed to be returning part time, I don’t know how I can afford to do that on my own.

I feel really sick to my stomach. Confident there is no one else, as I asked and have seen his phone. Never say never but I’m as sure as I can be.

Our baby is so little, this is not what I had imagined at all. We have experienced the stresses of new parenthood but I honestly thought we’d weather them and mutually accept it as a phase of life.

Can you ask him to stick around a bit longer. Get used to going back to work, childcare etc.
Remind him, being a new parent is tough. But it will get easier.
so sorry this is happening.

He understands perfectly. He just does not care. He is your enemy, not your friend. He will continue to lie to you, gaslight you and abuse you. Your only move is to get away from him and have as little to do with him as humanly possible.

Don't let your enemy see how desperate you are not to share parenting with him. Suggest you go 50/50 so you can have a rest and recharge. He's never going to want to do much of the parenting anyway, and this will ensure he'll leave you holding the baby - literally - most of the time.

Do yourself a favour and read the Chump Lady website. Your soon to be ex husband is an abusive liar and nothing he says or does can be trusted. It's a hard pill to swallow, but the sooner you do the sooner your life will improve.

No way will he get anything like 50/50 custody of a breastfeeding baby OP, don't even worry for a second about that! He's highly unlikely to get overnights with the baby until they are at least one.
He sounds like he is not thinking logically at all.

WTF?!?!?!

Why would you ask (or want!) someone who has been shagging another woman behind your back to "stick around"?!

What do you think are the odds that he will go for 50/50?

Absolutely zero.

What a weak and pathetic selfish man, things get a bit tough and he’s out the door without a backward glance, no thought on how this affects you or your baby it’s all poor me me me, I despise men like him I really do. I agree with others he has someone else to go to. He has shown you his true colours now, soon as things aren’t going his way he’s off, and no he isn’t a good Dad he is a terrible one, one who is prepared to destroy your sons life because he’s feeling a bit neglected and criticised poor lamb 🙄

Sorry this isn't going well OP, and that communication has broken down. Are you both still considering and open to couples therapy? The goal doesn't have to be getting back together, but even just getting the other person to understand how they have hurt you, and to have a clean break and also as you have a DS to get on a level of civility and the same parenting responsibilities.

If you know the Try guy, Ned who cheated on his wife, they had a podcast episode come out a few weeks ago and they talked about how they went to therapy together for years even though they are separated etc, she clearly said she doesn't forgive him at all, but you can see how he does sort of understand how hurt she was and also they examined their whole relationship etc, across a few years in therapy. It can be helpful even if you don't want to get back together. But it is up to you. I would definitely get individual therapy though, whether or not you also do or don't do couples therapy.

You could look into nesting for the house. Since you both can't afford it on your own, could you both live there with your DS and then you guys leave, so he has him for a week and you go somewhere else? Sometimes people rent a room or 1 bed flat, and so you would go there and he would stay in the house with DS, then the next week you both swap. You pay equal rent for the flat and house?

It is really expensive though, so not really accessible. I would look into selling more likely, then you can both move into 2 bed flat separately or like a house. You likely need to negotiate your contract back to full time as you'll need the money. Perhaps look into the free childcare, and maybe your family nearby can look after him when your working and also DH will obviously but depending on your split, you may need family to help with childcare sometimes.

Just some ideas, it's so hard to think about the practical stuff when you have been so emotionally hurt, but it's good to have a plan.

You are NOT obliged to accommodate his working pattern. Your kid needs a regular routine and HE will have to change his life to accommodate that. Nor should he be permitted to put an end to breastfeeding. You need a lawyer because nothing is as important as making sure that this prick, who is no longer on your side, cannot push you around when it comes to your child and leave you with an unhappy and unmanageable life. I'm sorry OP that he is such a massive child and that all this is happening to you.

I had an ex who was a work-a-holic. He worked 2 jobs because he could, not that we needed it. We saw him for dinner and that was it.
But after splitting he really stepped up to the plate and now sees them 2-3 times a year.

I don't think he'll go for 50:50, he might do a few every other weekends maybe... but it'll fizzle he sounds really selfish.

The fact that he is bullying and gaslighting OP is more important than who he's shagged.

I can see why you are worried but guarantee it is all bluff. No court would realistically allow you to be at his beck & call.

he sounds more and more controlling. Get legal advice and document everything including screenshots

See a solicitor, CSA will get you Child Support, become a kept woman for 19 years.

Keep things simple, don't let him involve you in things that aren't your problem.

His working patterns are not your problem.

Since when does child support usually stretch to keeping a property,food etc as well as child's expense???

Exactly this .. kind of. See a solicitor and get the ball rolling. You will get CM. You, or courts will decide on access etc. Forget what your prick of a husband wants or says, forget your notion of baby having a bond with dad - that will either happen or not, but nothing you do will alter that. Concentrate on yourself and your baby, for you.

How does he see your living situation panning out? Sell the house, live seperately in the house?

As others say men like this often dont throw their marriages away unless they have something else to go to?

I'm on your side on this, but for the sake of playing devil's advocate: you say he works long hours and doesn't have family around for support. Could it be that he's also feeling exhausted from the long hours and feels it's only fair that since you're at home you take care of the home front? Might things change when you're also working again? He might see being asked to do more on the home front as a fairer division of labour then.

I’d recommend reading all of the OP’s posts, not just the opening one. Things have moved on since then, unless you believe a condom in the wallet is innocent.

A court won't go for that. He will have to commit a semi regular schedule. They won't ok an agreement where you never know when he is having him, it's not in the child's best interests.

Tell him you will make ds available every other week for contact, if he turns up, great, if he doesn't, record in a calendar that he didn't show.

Reading your first post a conversation with my ex-h came to mind. "A man won't leave unless he has someone to go to whereas a woman is stronger and will leave just because she's not happy". Take from that what you will but my guess is he's either with someone else or someone has turned his head. Sorry, but I hope I'm wrong.
Secondly, my ex wanted equal access to our children but I think that was more about not wanting to make CM. Turns out he really didn't have time for them and gave in to me having them most of the time when he realised the work it entails.

If he wants counselling tell him you're willing to try it but please don't give in to any of his demands in order to get him to stay. You'll hate yourself for it long term. Good luck x

Very harsh situation. For what it's worth my brother ended his marriage and there was no one else but he had been contemplating it for years and years and stayed for the kids. That said I think it is a very real possibility that if he is "working long hours" that there may be someone else, sadly. My aunt had that situation when she was pregnant with their first child. Her husband would say he was going to the gym after work, until one day she unpacked his gym back to wash it and found all the clothes were dry and clean, that's when she knew. She remarried though, although I know this may not be helpful for you right now when you are still processing this. I think if he wants out then best get it over and done with. It's sad but if his heart isn't in it any more, then you are best raising your kids alone and looking for someone else who appreciates you.

As soon as I saw your first post, my immediate thought was that he was either having an affair or emotionally entangled with someone who perhaps had been sympathetic with the struggles all new parents have with a new born.
The condom in the wallet suggests he is either having an affair or contemplating having one.
The first year of parenting, especially a first child is a massive upheaval, I’m not sure I even remember most of the first few months of ours… My DH and I snapped at each other, bickered on occasion (still do 😂) but fundamentally we knew we were a unit, and had each others backs even if in the moment of newborn chaos it didn’t feel like it because it IS stressful.
Better he has shown you the person he is now, rather then when you’ve had another child and are 5-10 years down the line.
Seek legal advise and go from there, he may be saying 50/50 but it sounds like he works a lot so will probably end up being 50% of the time when he’s around.
Set days will be helpful because then you can plan your work accordingly etc the amount of effort required in 50/50 parenting with a BF baby is a lot, and tbh I’m not sure he sounds like he would want to do that.
Surround yourself with ‘your’ people and put the wheels in motion, your ‘DH’ has shown he is not one of those people so the sooner you can get rid the better it will be for your mental heath and happiness IMO

You criticise him to much? Yeah, this is what her has been saying to the other woman. Along with, you don't understand him, you aren't giving him affection and you are distracted.

Utter bullshit.

Uff. I just read the updates and it seems like there are some wise ladies on this thread that recognised the signs. First and foremost you need to find some support for yourself. Can you contact your GP about the PPD? Then I would say if you can move in with family then do so. It might actually be a relief compared to the situation you have been living with. It's a lot for you looking after a baby, feeding, coping with all this. Remember there are also mental health helplines like MIND as well.

Why do MN women always trot this out. You cannot lock someone out of their own home. It is illegal. It’ll end with her footing an expensive lock smith for him to gain access.
any divorce lawyer will expressly tell their client not to leave their property (if they’re on deeds) before financial settlement is at least legally drafted and signed.

if he’s not on deeds, or rental agreement fair enough to lock him out. But she’s not said this.