Husband wants a divorce, we’ve got a baby

[Thepebblesareblue]

We have a 9 month old DS and my husband of not yet 3 years has announced he wants a divorce. He says we have changed since becoming parents and he doesn’t think we get along now. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need emotionally or that he makes me happy, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising. When I asked him for examples he didn’t really have any. He has been saying he’s unhappy since baby was maybe 4 months old, I’ve listened each time and taken on board what he’s said.

What can I do? I’m supposed to be returning to work on Friday after maternity leave, this is not how I imagined the last week of maternity leave would be. I’m reeling and feel as though I am carrying such a lot at the moment. He’s said he is willing to go to counselling but feels very stuck in the current situation and does not see it changing.

The silver linings I guess, I have more family support & practical help nearby. We could move in with family if we needed to. He does not, at all. The relatives he does have don’t live very near. Neither of us could afford the family home on our own so it would mean selling. He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away so I have no idea how he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to. I’m supposed to be returning part time, I don’t know how I can afford to do that on my own.

I feel really sick to my stomach. Confident there is no one else, as I asked and have seen his phone. Never say never but I’m as sure as I can be.

Our baby is so little, this is not what I had imagined at all. We have experienced the stresses of new parenthood but I honestly thought we’d weather them and mutually accept it as a phase of life.

I must admit my heart sank from your OP and I thought how long till she finds out about the other woman. You absolutely do not deserve this.

My ex left abruptly at the start of the summer, no conversation, nothing. I don't think he has another woman but he has morphed into a complete stranger and I am bitterly disappointed in him!

Hold your ground and get him to leave, put yourself first and think about what you need. One day at a time if you have to!

So sorry OP. Have a look at chumplady.com and tellmehowyouremighty.com... great resources and support for surviving infidelity and rebuilding your life (tagine is leave a cheater gain a life). Xxx

What a disgusting little man. Of course there’s some OW.

OP, this is horrible but on the flip side you’re better off knowing now than later. You have your baby and yourself to focus on. I’m really sorry, I wish you the very best away from that weak excuse of a partner.

sorry I was unclear .., it destroys marriages but it isn’t some great love
so marriages get destroyed for nothing - family torn apart - all for stuff all.
these affairs rarely stand the test of time.

Is the condom a deciding factor/divorce for you?
or do you want go to counselling before u make a decision?

think hard

I would say having gone through divorce with a couple of friends that judges want to know that each party has a roof over their heads and can afford to keep that roof over their heads and sustain themselves.

I don’t think it matters working p/t if you can show with UC, CM and your earnings you can balance the outgoings with the incomings. (I would do the least hours you can afford to) Nursery fees would still need to be split 50/50 and could go up if you have the opportunity to /choose to work a few hours more as well as him paying CM for EOW. His idea of joint custody and you helping him out isn’t going to happen. You are going to be DIVORCED. He needs to understand what that means

I agree that working full time or almost high number of hours per week is not going to be helpful and given the position you are both in it would be seen as detrimental to your position.

Both friends were told that unless their exh’s earned at least (6 figures) then spousal maintenance wasn’t something they could get.

I'm so sorry op, another selfish man who's incapable of being a good parent because he always has to be the center of attention, the most important one.
I wish you happiness and prosperity 🌻
(I wish him his just deserts)

OP - it's all simple, don't let anyone (e.g. posters on MNm or your Ex) complicate things. You only need to know 3 simple facts:

1. He decided that he doesn't love you any more and wants a divorce.

2. You discovered that he cheats (has sex elsewhere). It doesn't really matter what the details are - in the past, in the future, regularly, once, often - don't concern yourself with it.

3. You discovered that he lies and manipulates you to get what he wants.

Put yourself (& DC) first. Get advice (solicitor). Although you currently feel destroyed, the future is good for you if you play your cards right.

I’m so sorry OP, I’ve seen this happen too many times in real life and read it too many times on here. Men can be total shits especially after a baby when they are no longer the centre of the universe.

Whatever you do, do not let him convince you that you are at fault here, I’ve known women drive themselves almost to madness trying to bend over backwards to ‘change’ when the reality is there was nothing wrong in the first place other than a man who cannot take responsibility or blame for his own actions.

speak to a solicitor and make it clear that you aren’t falling for his bullshit, stay strong for yourself and your child.

Wishing you the very best for the future.

I know a couple where this happened. There was no one else involved, I know because he moved in with us. He was depressed, we didn't judge, he saw doctor, spent time with his baby back in the family home and moved back in.

I think it was about his job, he changed his job quite soon, and feeling he couldn't do anything because of finances.

I have no idea if your husband has someone else, is depressed or something else is going on. Counselling is a good way to try and sort it out.

Whatever he decides to do you will work it out and it's great you have lots of support.

So sorry OP. You dont deserve any of this. Look after yourself and your tiny baby.

I really feel for you. I’m guessing from what you have said so far that you are both fairly young and he’s therefore been used to living his life selfishly. Now he wants to blame you for him not being able to live selfishly.

No amount of gaslighting and re-writing history is going to allow him to deny that he left his wife and <1 year old child because he wasn’t getting all of the attention and some woman (probably from work with the hours) was giving him attention instead. He’s got to live with that, which is probably why he is getting defensive and lashing out.

Take a moment, take a breath. Use your family and friends to get all your emotions onto and be calm & neutral & factual when dealing with him. Do it via text ideally to discuss practicalities of childcare/returning to work/house related issues. Speak to work to let them know and then decide if you want to get signed off or go back and get some normality. Same if you have childcare. Carve out some time for yourself where you can. He will likely shit himself when he realises that 50/50 means you can’t pick and choose when you can parent, and he can’t rely on you for back up.

You will be grieving for your marriage and your future, and your child’s relationship with his dad. It will get better.

I opened the thread, noticed it was a few days old so skipped through all OP's posts looking for when OW surfaced. She hasn't yet but a condom has turned up.
These men are so predictable.

OP, you have PND, but instead of giving his head a wobble and cracking on with supporting you, he's actually throwing his toys out the pram as he isn't your top priority anymore.
Where's his support for you?

Really sorry you are going through this! Take your time to work through it all. Use all the help you can get. Hope you find your feet and make your lovely little family of two.

I hope you’ve demanded his phone. You will find evidence there. I’m sorry, it’s all really shitty of him and so poorly timed.

This happened to me, our baby was 7 months, he had someone else. He then went on to have a new family and used this as an excuse to not pay me any child support. I am so sorry this is happening to you, the shock must be overwhelming. I hope you have someone that you can trust and talk to irl and who will take care of you as you navigate this terrible upheveal in yours and your baby's life. Get some legal advice x

Calling an affair a distraction is quite demeaning to both Pebbles and her DS.
He is a father of a 9 month old. If he finds this too boring and doesn’t want to be there for the mother of his child and his DS then he can F* Off

I don’t think I am in the minority in thinking that a distraction is something and not nothing. And like comfort eating it has consequences.

I don't recall asking my husband to get involved with first birthday party arrangements (it was very small and low key and in the week day time with a few other mothers - are you overdoing your expectations of this event???) As far as I was concerned the christening was the celebratory event we planned together, at ten months...maybe this party is the equivalent for you?

As for clothes, I bought them all and was very interested in buying them! Husband enjoyed seeing baby in them but that was really my remit. If he isnt interested that is perfectly within that realms of "normal".

Toys and activities would be a more worrying omission

It is possible to have an "idea" of what fathers do to be involved that isn't based on practical things like time available/your general lifestyle.

Why would he suddenly be a different person just because baby is there unless you discussed all this beforehand. He isn't a mind-reader and nor are you

You need to discuss what is happening here with him, instead of just levelling accusations at each other. He has misunderstood your expectations just as you have misunderstood his. Right lies someone in the middle

He is lashing out at you because you are seeing through his carefully crafted house of cards and not being the gullible fool he takes you for.

He is gaslighting and lying to you to make you believe his lies and the more you see through his lies, the angrier he is getting as he sees his plans fall apart.

And the condom?

Please change the locks.

I think you'll find that far from having nowhere to go, he has another nest already lined up. I'm very very sorry.

This man is highly abusive OP.

Be very careful. He will have you running around in circles facilitating his life.

He had one foot out of the door with an affair partner but decided to make out you were in the wrong. That is evil behaviour.

I agree with this 100%. Men rarely leave and set up on their own. They always arrange a comfortable landing before they leap.

Get legal advice and get on the front foot before she boots him out and he comes back begging to try again and all the terrible things he has said about you was just 'banter'. Been there, done that, got the beanie hat!

Call his bluff.

Say, "Fine, you can be the resident parent. I'll move out into my bachelor girl pad, pursue a jet-setting career, entertain gentlemen callers in their legion and check in with baby every other weekend."

See what happens.

I feel so sick. I want DS to have a relationship with his dad, naturally, for his sake, but I feel utterly sick at the thought of not having DS with me all the time. What do you think are the odds that he will go for 50/50 or any time at all? I have significantly more family support and am better equipped than him, I am also the primary caregiver. As I say I do want them to have a relationship but he’s hurt me so deeply and has never been an equal parent so I can’t imagine how it will play out. Feeling horrendous.

And he’s already said he wouldn’t want to change working pattern or anything and would expect us to accommodate that even though it chops and changes. He doesn’t understand that it’s not consistent and children need consistency. I am still breastfeeding, too.