Husband wants a divorce, we’ve got a baby

[Thepebblesareblue]

We have a 9 month old DS and my husband of not yet 3 years has announced he wants a divorce. He says we have changed since becoming parents and he doesn’t think we get along now. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need emotionally or that he makes me happy, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising. When I asked him for examples he didn’t really have any. He has been saying he’s unhappy since baby was maybe 4 months old, I’ve listened each time and taken on board what he’s said.

What can I do? I’m supposed to be returning to work on Friday after maternity leave, this is not how I imagined the last week of maternity leave would be. I’m reeling and feel as though I am carrying such a lot at the moment. He’s said he is willing to go to counselling but feels very stuck in the current situation and does not see it changing.

The silver linings I guess, I have more family support & practical help nearby. We could move in with family if we needed to. He does not, at all. The relatives he does have don’t live very near. Neither of us could afford the family home on our own so it would mean selling. He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away so I have no idea how he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to. I’m supposed to be returning part time, I don’t know how I can afford to do that on my own.

I feel really sick to my stomach. Confident there is no one else, as I asked and have seen his phone. Never say never but I’m as sure as I can be.

Our baby is so little, this is not what I had imagined at all. We have experienced the stresses of new parenthood but I honestly thought we’d weather them and mutually accept it as a phase of life.

Or state he takes the baby nd you will co parent. Time he grew up.

This!
Make sure you get appropriate legal advice. He’ll try and derail you, don’t let him and stay strong for your baby.
And YES - tell everyone before he gets his story in first. Hopefully he’ll feel some shame….
Remember too - you won’t recognise the man you thought you knew, he’s gone and you have a new life to start. You’ve got this!

Ps - tell everyone means his family and friends too!

My heart goes out to you OP. You have a baby and are dealing with so many things.
As painful as it is, if he has checked out so soon, your chances of long term happiness and stability with him is near zero.
I am sending you strength. Please take care

After birth the Mum's brain doesn't go back to normal for more than a year. All the hormonal changes are hard.

Is he sure about divorce, if he is saying he's up for couples counselling? See if you can get a little stability and get him to agree to living together for 3-6 months - perhaps in separate rooms - and going to counselling. In the meantime you can emotionally catch up and start back at work.

It will be okay in the long run. If he does end up wanting to divorce, you are better without him. It's very rubbish to make a child, have you be in this more vulnerable position with a new baby and decide to end it.

Good luck. I hope your family can provide some emotional support. Hopefully work is a good "break" from the rubbish at home. You and your DS will be okay.

“Doesn’t know how it got there”

Why do they lie so badly?

Honestly, it would be funny if it wasn't so damaging.

I agree. Plus splitting when the baby is only 9 months is better than later on.

It's crap, he's a wanker and hard though it is you have little option but to move on if he doesn't want to be married anymore. Use every bit of support you can muster, the person who should have been there for you has cut and run.

I have concluded that men hate us. C
Because what is this!?
I will never get over how men can just walk away from their young kids and wives and never look back.. Makes me sick

He's accusing YOU of gaslighting?! He's worried you're going to make 'false accusations'? Look up projection...
I would echo PP, you're in for a really rough period but you and your baby will be so much better off without this idiot in the long term, OP, and luckily your son will never remember this time. Do NOT leave your family home. Tell him to leave and find a lawyer. Get all the help you can from your family, tell them what's going on so they can support you.

oh OP, I’m so sorry. It’s not necessarily an affair. As you say, some people just can’t handle the pressures of parenting. If you don’t suspect an affair, why don’t you try counselling as your DH suggested. Although I really despair at someone who is able to walk out on a small baby. How does he think it will be easier solo parenting?! It sounds like he won’t be able to do his share.

Hi.
Sorry to hear about this, you won’t believe how common this sort of thing is. Recently referred to a good friend (a family divorce lawyer), 2 different women I met socially who needed help because their husbands were at it with someone else while they were in having babies and in special care with the babies. Shocking.

PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH SOME OF THE ADVICE ON HERE…. telling you to go back to work, do additional hours and earn more are absolutely unaware of the consequences of their bad advice.

More hours at work means more cost for you (of nursery) and also means that a court will look on you as someone who needs less financial support from your ex, and who could do 50/50 outside of the nursery hours. Also consider whether you actually want to go back to work and have those pressures while you are trying to rebuild your life.

Your best bet would be to not go back to work at all. You won’t be paying some nursery exorbitant money to enjoy your sweet baby…. He will then have to cough up loads in order to support you. He will also not be looked at favourable for 50/50 if you are taking full time care of the baby. Win win.

As an aside, his bit of stuff will soon lose interest when he is paying out lots to support you and for the home (which by the way, you should also remain in!).
I lost my original family home to this. Refuse to move and make him pay, the court can say until the baby is 18….. there is lots of financial help available to you as long as you remain not working due to looking after HIS child.

A court will look at him a lot less favourably if you are in a worse position because of HIS misbehaviour!

(I know of a lady who decided to homeschool her kids on top of this situation, so he had to pay out a lot for 18 full years 😂😂😂)

I hope you do ok. I think there is a way to send a personal message, if you know how and would like a chat with my friend who is a divorce lawyer, she is always happy to give advice over the phone. I know it’s not helpful in the moment but you aren’t the first and you won’t be the last. They don’t seem to understand it has long term consequences. My husband had this going on but he was the baby in the situation, dad found a new bit of stuff at work who ‘accidentally’ got pregnant. He went off with her and remained with her, had a load of kids. We steer clear of him and the girlfriend, so his dad hasn’t seen our children. It ripples through the generations. His loss, not ours!

I think you’re better off without someone like this in your life, you deserve someone who is going to love and cherish you. You have been through a lot with having a baby and all this going on.

Once you come out the other side, I hope you find someone who is worthy of you and treats you properly, I’m sure you will. 🌻🌷🌸

x

😄

Is it because these men resent the woman’s focus pivoting to the child?

Fair to think he is cheating when you find a condom in his wallet.

Yes, I think so - some men just have to have all the attention. I also suspect that some men just can't be arsed with the bother of practical parenting.

So sorry OP this happened to me a very long time ago. Mine did have another woman but all these years later I couldn't care less thankfully. However I had PND and I think it was because when I was pregnant he mentally started to check out. I was so confused as I thought we were happy. It's a horrible thing to do to a pregnant woman. I wish you and your baby all the very best.

Let him go. Unfortunately, all three of DH's best friends left their wives by the time their kids were 5, some earlier, some closer to 5. One of them recently bragged to DH about how much free time he has now, he's doing some iron man type competition and also dating and taking lots of holidays, he's loving life while his ex wife is juggling full time work and a toddler.

It seems a lot of men just don't like how much work is involved with small children. It's not the 1950s, the fact that they need to actually do stuff at home and support their wives is too much for some precious little men.

You can't change him. He has chosen to not support you and to leave you at the hardest time of your life. Even if he changes his mind, you will never forgive him.

The upside is that single parenting can be easier in some ways as you only have yourself to consider. Downsize, you only really need a 1 bed flat for you and a small child.

So sorry to read your post. Men who are emotionally shallow enough not to accept that something as wonderful and challenging as parenthood will cause a change in a relationship, are not family material. It's irrelevant whether he is having an affair or not, what is important is that you realise he is not up to the role of father and husband. He just doesn't have the courage and heart for it; "selfish" is a word that comes to mind. Single mums do a wonderful job with their kids and have done throughout history, myself included. You do not need this idiot. It hurts now, but you can get out the other side with enough support. He won't though. He will continue trashing his relationships as soon as it's not all about him. He will not be a better man for the next woman, they never are. You on the other hand sound like a keeper. He's a fool. Get the best lawyer you can afford and stop communicating with him directly. Now is the time to be strong, cry of course, rant on here, be fuming and sad, but you must be as strong as you can manage right now.

No, no, no. Really bad idea to suggest the OP sits there passively and lets him call all the shots. Also, please don't perpetuate the 'soggy mum brain' myth!

Do not invite him to stay and have his socks washed / meals cooked while he swans about and decides if he'd like to stay or maybe go. It'll do a real number on your mental health and recovery from this, and he needs to know there are consequences to his actions.

What you do need to do is look at how you can best get your career going again - what's the least hours you can do, so you get time with your baby but also keep your hand in.

This

Really sorry OP. Like others he is almost certainly involved with someone else to a greater or lesser degree (have been there). Can you extend mat leave while this plays out??

So he is going down the “my wife is mad that is why I had to fall into another woman’s vagina” Thank God I had a condom at the ready

Ask him for an example of the “false accusations” he thinks you are going to make up.
Then if he does give you examples you can assume they are true

One thing I would say is if he says he doesn’t know where the condom came from and it just appeared in his wallet. Is he safe to look after your DS on his own as he is obviously having some mental health episodes/breaks with reality and needs to get those sorted PDQ.

Make sure you know exactly what can be considered as marital property.

Pensions, investments, cars, furniture designer clothing etc Friend had her exh put his business that was started during their marriage on the table to be divided up as it was considered a marital asset.
A 50/50 split is just the starting point.

With a child and father who can’t do a normal joint custody or EOW arrangement the judge can decide the percentages and custody arrangements and the CM and extra payments for not turning up.

Don’t be surprised that you might get a visit from SS. That’s another stunt that stbexh’s pull

There's a lot of people saying affair here. But my marriage was shocking during the first year of my baby's life and I know several friends who experienced the same. Your life changes dramatically and everyone is exhausted and sleep deprived. I would be really hurt in your shoes but I would be pushing for counselling. It does and will get better.