He doesn’t remember

[Lastchoice]

I’ve been with my partner for ten years (although it was a bit on/off to begin with), lived together a year.

He is still married to his wife; although they separated about 15 years ago. They just never got round to divorcing but have legally separated so nothing to organise in terms of property, finances etc.

We have had a hard year this year. Both his parents passed away but we got through it together. Supported each other.

Now the issue, I’ve never pushed marriage as he is still married and was cheated on by his wife just didn’t think he would ever do it again and I sort of accepted it. But the other night (after a few drinks, he wasn’t drunk just had a few) he told me he wanted to properly divorce so we could marry. I myself don’t have any family and we discussed making me officially part of his, taking his name. I was over the moon. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted.

We discussed how we would like to do it. Where. Discussed keeping it small. Everything…

Now he’s told me he doesn’t remember anything from the other night. I’m heartbroken. I didn't tell him what was said. But I’m honestly gutted.

Feel like getting a shower and just going to bed. I can’t sit here all night and hide my upset.

Where do I go from here??

Well one of two things isn’t true - either he was drunk and it’s a blackout loss of memory. Or he wasn’t drunk and he does remember at least bits of it.

The next step is surely for both of you to sit down and have a sober conversation about it? Why would you hide away - you’ve been with this man for 10 years, you should be able to talk to him about anything.

You need to tell him what he said. He must be lying that he doesn't remember. Unless he's a secret drinker or drug taker who was utterly twatted but you didn't notice? Even then you'd still recall saying stuff like that.

If he keeps insisting he didn't say it then I would be thoroughly pissed off if I was you.

But I guess it means he doesn't really want that? I have to say I find it odd he's still married to someone else after all this time.

It sounds like he got carried away and now he's backing out.

But if marriage is everything you've ever wanted, you're wasting your time with a guy who can't be arsed to pull his finger out and divorce his wife.

Time to think seriously about this OP.

Excuse my ignorance but how can you be legally separated but still married? Sorry if that's a daft question. Anyway, unless he was considerably more under the influence than you thought then of course he remembers. He just doesn't want to. I find it extremely odd that he's still married after 15 years apart especially as you've been with him for 10 of those and his wife cheated on him. Something isn't right OP.

How would I go about telling him what he said?

The conversation was so in depth. We spoke about me not sharing a name with anyone and not having family. How he would be delighted to welcome me into his family officially. He even popped open the champagne to celebrate.

I feel like a fool

He does remember

They dealt with the finance stuff etc at the time. Securing any future property purchased either side etc. In Scotland you can’t divorce until you have been separated at least a year. Then they never got round to it

This is what I think

They couldn’t be bothered to get a divorce is just utter bullshit. They didn’t want to pay for the divorce. ImYou realise if he died tomorrow his wife is entitled and you’d get nothing

He even popped open the champagne to celebrate.

Lol

Even if he doesn’t remember it, what matters is his reaction and thought on it now I guess

Don't feel like a fool, OP. He's the one behaving strangely. Unless you were hallucinating he said these things and I bet he meant them at the time. Question is, what happened afterwards? Is he starting to have some kind of memory problems? Is he so terrified of committing again that he's blanked out your conversation which was only possible after drinking?
Only you can say if you basically trust him not to be mucking around with your feelings. But you need to tell him exactly what you remember him saying and try to work out together what was going on. And ask him how much of it is something he wants to do.

How do I even bring it up?

If they've done a separation agreement and had it legally completed, then there is a separation of finances. You would only have to do the divorce to implement a pension sharing order.m also the divorce on Scotland only costs a few hundred pounds now, if it's the simplified process

He does remember.

Do you just have to pretend the whole champagne-popping conversation didn’t happen?
Of course not, how stupid.

Nail him for an explanation for this preposterous behaviour.

You say, "why are you pretending not to remember the conversation, you fucking oddball?"

🤣🤣🤣 sorry this made me laugh

Tell him to stick his naff proposal up his arse, the gaslighting worm.

This is the thing. He was talking about proposing properly, how we would save for the wedding, who would come everything.

I honestly feel like I’m losing my mind

He remembers alright but in the cold light of day he’s got cold feet.
Future faking twat he is.

Ducks in a row time. See a solicitor and get the divorce properly sorted out, nisi and absolute can be done yourselves on the internet too. Look it up! It’s easy.

After that be a bit hard faced and push for what he told you. If he shuts you down you might want to make some hard decisions for yourself. Life is too short to drift.

Unless your partner was blind drunk, then he does remember what he said. I'm sure at the time, he meant what he said. However, now in the cold light of day, he's got cold feet and is trying to back track. I think you have two choices: pretend what he said didn't happen or you tell him exactly what he said, and how you're upset that he's now pretending he doesn't remember. Him trying to say he doesn't remember, is quite honestly laughable and an insult.

Yeah I’m feeling quite insulted. And hurt. I’m going to need to speak to him!

Its quite simple, if he doesn't remember then you tell him what was said and see what his thoughts are now. Then you go from there depending on his reaction. Give us an update once you have done that.

'Gosh, none of it at all darling? That's a bit of a worry. Well we talked about [all of the things you've said above]. You opened some chapagne to celebrate - see there's the bottle in the recycling. You don't remember any of that? How about we discuss it tonight then?'
Depending on how you're feeling you could suggest that your partner of 10 years maybe considers divorcing his wife too!

He’s gaslighting. Agree with PP… ask him if it’s a wind-up him forgetting, that he must want to keep the proposal a surprise but you’re not an idiot?