He doesn’t remember

[Lastchoice]

I’ve been with my partner for ten years (although it was a bit on/off to begin with), lived together a year.

He is still married to his wife; although they separated about 15 years ago. They just never got round to divorcing but have legally separated so nothing to organise in terms of property, finances etc.

We have had a hard year this year. Both his parents passed away but we got through it together. Supported each other.

Now the issue, I’ve never pushed marriage as he is still married and was cheated on by his wife just didn’t think he would ever do it again and I sort of accepted it. But the other night (after a few drinks, he wasn’t drunk just had a few) he told me he wanted to properly divorce so we could marry. I myself don’t have any family and we discussed making me officially part of his, taking his name. I was over the moon. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted.

We discussed how we would like to do it. Where. Discussed keeping it small. Everything…

Now he’s told me he doesn’t remember anything from the other night. I’m heartbroken. I didn't tell him what was said. But I’m honestly gutted.

Feel like getting a shower and just going to bed. I can’t sit here all night and hide my upset.

Where do I go from here??

Stop wasting time on someone who you are unable to talk openly with, someone who flirts with his ex while dropping off his dgc, someone who gaslights you about the future.

OP he is cheating on you with his wife, probably has been for years.

He doesn't want to marry you.

He's a liar and a gaslighter.

Why don't you just ditch him? There are better men out there who won't treat you so horribly.

Ffs leave the lieing, future faking twat. I would hedge a bet that all he has ever told you is a lie.

Now he is trying to flirt with his wife

Run for the hills

Self sabotaging my hole! He's sabotaging YOU.

Hey sorry, been a bit all over the place today. Took some time out the house. Needed some fresh air and time to think. He knows something is wrong as I came home and he could see I had been crying.

Think I need a wee break to process things in my head and see how I actually feel when I’ve had some space

These threads are really sad because OP will stay with him and believe the lies that he will feed her to keep the status quo.

What a waste of a life! Being strung along by a cheater and making lame excuses for what is inexcusable behaviour.

I think his flirting with ex is your seminal moment. If you stay, you will almost certainly look back and wonder why you didn't bin him off once you knew that this is who he is. He is messing you around and will always disappoint you when you need him to step up. Don't be me, I had several wake up calls and chose to ignore them. I look back and wish I had saved myself from so much pain instead of hoping he'd learn from his mistakes. I should have learned to look out for my future self. If this was happening to your friend what would you advise them ?

Good heavens just leave! What a monumental jackass he is.

see even if all this is true and correct, and he’s a damaged man - you can’t fix it, it’s down to him and he’s making an arse of himself and you. Don’t make his problems yours, what’s the point?

You are worth so much more than this. Dont waste your life being sad with someone who doesn’t deserve you. Life is short.

You are kind and loving as well as very generous. Of course, you know this man and we don't.
From an objective point of view, he is going to be sad and hard work for you. He lies, he pretends he can't remember an important conversation which left you feeling crushed. He's inappropriately embroiled with his ex...and he will lie about that too.
Got to say that if he hasn't made the move to marry you in 10 years, it's not likely to happen anytime soon. He has just backed out of it again...after the bloody champagne.

I understand you love him. He might propose in a panic when he realises you know about the text exchange with his ex.
He'll say all the right things I'm sure...but will you ever really feel like the love of his life after this?
Think this is a head over heart matter...but how you proceed is up to you.
Good luck. x

Then show him the opened champagne bottle and ask why does he think it's open. Then you can tell him. I think there’s more going on here, either he’s deliberately lying or he has a drink problem.

Oh @Lastchoice Is this what you want your life to be - your partner can’t be trusted - he lies to you after stringing you along and then you find out he’s been sending flirty messages to the wife he never divorced.
Raise your bar.
You deserve so much better.

Think you need to ask yourself why on earth you’d wanna marry him anyway? He sounds like a douche bag!

You're making excuses up for him.

He is a person with agency and autonomy.

Look at the cold hard facts. He has not divorced his wife. They have been having sexually routed conversations, and let's be real it's probably been more than sexual conversations. He has feigned ignorance at his suggested proposal to you.

He's the cat who got the cream isn't he. 2 women.

Love yourself enough to realise this man won't change, because he doesn't respect you. If he did, he'd have been divorced well before now. He'd have made it a priority, for you.

Now he knows somethings up he will only make changes if he feels he's at risk of losing what he's got, but it won't be for your sake.

The moment I saw you were afraid to bring up with him topics that were important to you, I could tell this was not a good relationship. The cheating only confirms it.

If you took his name, would it not turn to sawdust in your mouth every time you spoke it? Would your self-esteem not just get even lower?

I don’t know what flaws you have which make you think this guy is a fair match for you, but personally I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole.

How are you doing OP? I have thought about you over the last days.

Hey @momtoboysthanks for checking in.

I’m ok. Haven’t broached the subject of the messages, still at a loss on whether to blow up our lives over a couple of texts. But still feeling pretty shit about it

Hi OP
I get where you’re coming from with the ‘over a couple of texts’ remark but I would urge you to remember the content of those texts and what they actually say about your partner and his true feelings about his ex and you. Please don’t minimise his apparent interest in her because you don’t want to accept it (no-one would)…. Please accept instead that he has agency over his actions and you must acknowledge his disrespect for you in those texts even if you choose not to acknowledge them to/with him, do it for yourself x

What would you do in my position with regards to the messages?

Sorry , see things have moved on. Re the texts , I’d be telling him to fuck off.

Tell him we need to talk. I need you to really listen and understand before you respond.
How I feel is how I feel so please don’t try to minimise anything.
Just accept that’s how I feel.
Be up to you if you respond appropriately or not.
As you know I was really hurt when you were all for us getting married then did a u-turn.
We’ve been together a long time. I’ve never cheated and have given you all I can.
You should know I’ve seen the flirty texts with your ex. I’m devastated. You’re making me feel how she made you feel and that’s not right and it’s not at all fair.
It feels like you’re making a fool of me and treating me like 2nd best. We are at a crossroads but it needs to be all in or I’m out.

Say to him 'Do you remember our in depth conversation about how we are going to get married?'

I’d be dumping him in a heartbeat.

You’re making him out to be a victim, with the ‘self sabotage’ talk and excusing it.

If his relationships with his mother and his ex have damaged him so much, he should have stayed single and got therapy, not wasted ten years for you and then disrespected you in this way.

As for I NEVER expected what I found!

Consider that you don’t actually know this man as well as you think, and that yes, he might well go there with her, given the green light.

You weren’t asking me but I would absolutely end the relationship. He has no respect for you and clearly isn’t a good partner. Get rid, he’ll break your heart anyway so take control of your own life.