He doesn’t remember

[Lastchoice]

I’ve been with my partner for ten years (although it was a bit on/off to begin with), lived together a year.

He is still married to his wife; although they separated about 15 years ago. They just never got round to divorcing but have legally separated so nothing to organise in terms of property, finances etc.

We have had a hard year this year. Both his parents passed away but we got through it together. Supported each other.

Now the issue, I’ve never pushed marriage as he is still married and was cheated on by his wife just didn’t think he would ever do it again and I sort of accepted it. But the other night (after a few drinks, he wasn’t drunk just had a few) he told me he wanted to properly divorce so we could marry. I myself don’t have any family and we discussed making me officially part of his, taking his name. I was over the moon. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted.

We discussed how we would like to do it. Where. Discussed keeping it small. Everything…

Now he’s told me he doesn’t remember anything from the other night. I’m heartbroken. I didn't tell him what was said. But I’m honestly gutted.

Feel like getting a shower and just going to bed. I can’t sit here all night and hide my upset.

Where do I go from here??

Sorry OP but he does remember given it was such an in depth conversation and he wasn't black out drunk, he's changed his mind or got cold feet now he's stone cold sober and instead of being a mature adult he's pretending not to remember in the hope it'll all just go away. I don't know you so I can't tell you how to feel but for me this would build resentment and fundamentaly change the relationship and I would have to have the conversation and then deal with the consequences, good or bad.
I would urge you to speak to him and have an honest conversation without any alcohol involved and at least get the truth however good bad or ugly out in the open

You must nail him down. Tonight.

If he continues to say he doesn't remember, then you tell him that he did "propose" and is he backtracking on that now?

His answer will tell you all you need to know. Either he will say NO, I don't remember that at all and closes the subject, at which point you insist he makes an appointment with the memory clinic for signs of early Alzheimers. But a "no I don't remember" but followed by a re run of the "proposal" will sort things out.

If he doesn't re run the scenario of last night, then I'm afraid I would leave him. Either way, until he divorces you cannot marry, and if he dies before he divorces then his wife is entitled to a legal share of his estate (I think that's the case in Scotland).

I wonder why you never encouraged him to cut all ties and divorce to put you as his number one, even if marriage was not on the table.

I'm not surprised you feel humiliated. It's not an easy thing to get over.

I would say to him, you told me you didn't remember the other night so here is what you said...be very matter of fact. Then ask him if he still thinks the same way. I know it sounds hard and awkward, but you deserve to know some answers.

Playing devil’s advocate here but what if he’s doing the old, I don’t know what you’re talking about thing so he can do a proper ‘surprise proposal’?
admittedly a bit late as the cat’s out of the bag. Maybe start by speaking to him about the divorce, which is long overdue.

‘Brian, what the hell is going in? I know you had a few drinks but you were perfectly coherent the other night and now you are denying that the conversation ever took place!

I won’t be a part of silly games and I won’t be messed around. Either we discuss it again whilst you are sober or I’m off as I’m not going to waste any more years with someone who doesn’t want the same things as I do!’

Give it to him straight and don’t mince your words.

I thought this could be the case
In which case mention the divorce

i’m going to speak with him tomorrow and see what he says. I honestly felt great after our chat. Now I feel shit. I don’t deserve it.

I don’t think he would pretend to forget to surprise me. It’s likely cold feet and just hoping I don’t bring it up

Say when are you going to buy me the £3k ring you promised me? When he says I never said that, you will know he remembers, twit.

It's taken him 10 years and a few drinks to get to a point he can't remember in the morning.

He plays a long, crap game.

If it looks like bullshit and smells like bullshit, its probably bullshit.......
Even when I've been paralytic from a night out on the booze, I can still remember most of (if not all) what's happened. I really dont believe anyone who says they cant remember a thing! Of course he does, its just a bullshit cover up for chickening out of a conversation he knows damn well he had with you!!!
Toss him back and don't waste another second of your life with him. He's dishonest and a coward. He could at least have the balls to say hes slept on it and has changed his mind but no, hes chosen the route of 'I hope she's stupid enough to believethe I dont remember lie!' He'snot even crediting you with having half a braincell ffs!!! Not exactly what you want to grow old with now is it?!

You bring the champagne bottle out of the recycling bin (I'm assuming this was only about 2 days ago from your posts) and then you say:

"Hi honey, you remember this champagne we had on Wednesday?" (hold the bottle as you ask the question)

"You remember the conversation we were having when we drank this champagne?"

If he still denies all knowledge of any memory of it, then:

(a) "Oh dear Brian, I think you need to see the GP for tests for dementia"

or

(b) "I'm leaving"

or

(c) "Why did you want to marry me on Wednesday, but you've now got cold feet and are back tracking on what you said?"

He absolutely does remember

1.Part of me hopes it's him being a stupid plank and playing dumb to suprise you when divorce is finalised.

1. He wanted his ego stroked and some excitement, if you've not pushed it He may have felt insecure.

How is everything else with him ?

I am doubtful he forgot. More likely he changed his mind. OP why are you with a man who won't divorce his wife? Ten years of your life you wanted something he won't give to you. How is this a good relationship for you? His wife reaps the benefits of marriage yet you are doing the grunt work of the relationship. And if something happens to him you are honestly just a side piece because he is married and has a wife. It doesn't matter how long you have been together.

Why would you allow him to treat you this way? That is not a healthy and loving relationship. And not being able to bring it up and communicate is a giant red flag waving and screaming in your face. After ten years you should be able to talk to him about anything and everything on your mind

As my grandmother always says, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. Right now you are the free milk and he is taking what he wants. Buck up and become top shelf organic milk he has to save up for. Let him know you know your worth and won't stand for less. Stop letting him walk all over you. You are worth more than that.

Surely you had a conversation with him for him to say he doesn't remember? Whatever you said then, say it again. Then tell him what he said. It does sound like he's got cold feet. Is he still in touch with his ex? Is she in another relationship?

Has he had blackouts on alcohol, before? Some people do, and it doesn't take much alcohol for it to happen.
If he's had them before, I'd be inclined to believe him. If this is the first time, then I think he's lying.
However, agree with PPs that he really needs to divorce his wife, and that legally, as things stand, she's his next of kin. This isn't fair on you, at all.
As for bringing it up, just have the talk. Tell him what he said, and that it really raised your hopes, and how you feel now that he can't remember it.
What do you want from the conversation? Is getting married a deal-breaker? Will you stay with him if he admits that's not really what he wants? I think you need to put your foot down about a divorce from his ex, anyway.
If he is having blackouts on alcohol, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to get some counseling regarding his drinking. What if he'd actually got on one knee and proposed, then claimed he couldn't remember it? It's not fair to mess you about like this, and he needs to stop drinking, if this is the result.
Even if he can't remember the conversation, surely he wouldn't have said it if it wasn't what he was thinking?
I'm rather cynical, but this feels a bit like future-faking, and almost gaslighting, except he's not saying it didn't happen, just that he can't remember it. Also playing on your perceived vulnerability in having no other family. It smells a bit like emotional abuse, to me, but I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like. Why was it off and on in earlier days?

So his ex wife isn't an ex wife. She gets to make the big big decisions if he is rushed into hospital, she gets to organize his funeral.
I hope he has put your name on his insurance and pension.
Bring the conversation up is easy. "Oy Brian, grab your wallet, we are off to buy my engagement ring, chop chop!"

Maybe he does want to propose properly, like he said to you. He’s gone about it in a clumsy way and got it all wrong, but he may not have changed his mind.

Same.
If he’s of sound mind then of course he remembers.

I think one of the problems here is that you are having difficulty bringing it up. My immediate response when he said that he didn’t remember would have been to raise an eyebrow and say ‘what? ‘. He definitely can remember- he’s regretting the conversation and trying to pretend it never happened and hoping you won’t raise it. I would be angry and speaking about this. The combination of flakiness and lying would make me furious.

Of course it is. The man's a tosser

More critically, his wife (not ex wife, his wife) is his nok and will have a claim on all his "wealth"....pension, investments, property, even if he's written a will leaving everything to you

He does remember, sounds like he got carried away whilst under the influence, and is now realising the magnitude (to him) of what he suggested, given you enthusiastically embraced the conversation.

If you want marriage, leave him, as he doesn’t appear to want it with you (let alone the fact he is still married to someone else!).

just wondering if after reading your update that he said about proposing properly, whether this is him with a stupid idea in his head to put you off the scent so he can then ‘surprise’ you??

before my DH proposed we had been talking about marriage, it was then my birthday and he booked a lovely restaurant, he was going on about it being a special night, then after dinner he pulled a small box out on the table… and it was a pair of earrings. I silently cried the whole way home for being stupid to have expected it and disappointed… 3 months later he proposed for real.

I would call his bluff today- if he is actually decent guy but with an odd idea like this, then when he realises that you are upset and poss backing out of the relationship because you’ve realised you would like to be married then maybe he’ll come clean if it was this??

has he got form for odd sense of humour/ slightly off gestures/surprises?? Do you think he is sincere about your relationship in general?

Do you really want to be with someone like this? Who makes you feel this way?

10 years legally separated but not divorced? 🤔

He sounds like he's changed his mind and isn't brave enough to tell you. Why wouldn't he have got divorced in the last ten years?

Maybe he is pretending not to remember so it will be a surprise when he proposes