He doesn’t remember

[Lastchoice]

I’ve been with my partner for ten years (although it was a bit on/off to begin with), lived together a year.

He is still married to his wife; although they separated about 15 years ago. They just never got round to divorcing but have legally separated so nothing to organise in terms of property, finances etc.

We have had a hard year this year. Both his parents passed away but we got through it together. Supported each other.

Now the issue, I’ve never pushed marriage as he is still married and was cheated on by his wife just didn’t think he would ever do it again and I sort of accepted it. But the other night (after a few drinks, he wasn’t drunk just had a few) he told me he wanted to properly divorce so we could marry. I myself don’t have any family and we discussed making me officially part of his, taking his name. I was over the moon. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted.

We discussed how we would like to do it. Where. Discussed keeping it small. Everything…

Now he’s told me he doesn’t remember anything from the other night. I’m heartbroken. I didn't tell him what was said. But I’m honestly gutted.

Feel like getting a shower and just going to bed. I can’t sit here all night and hide my upset.

Where do I go from here??

The fact that your instinct is to excuse his behaviour makes me sad for you. I was the same, all the old classics: He Can’t Cope With Real Love; He Has To Pull Away Like A Rubber Band (So That He Can Spring Back Into Your Arms); He’s Too Used To Being Let Down.

But the reality is, if he loved you and respected you, there’s no way he’d be chasing another woman (ANY other woman). Where else in your shared life does he show up like this? Where else do you see him “self-sabotaging”?

I’m so sorry- you must be crushed. I really hope you find a positive path forward for yourself.

Ffs leave the lieing, future faking twat. I would hedge a bet that all he has ever told you is a lie.

Now he is trying to flirt with his wife

Run for the hills

Nothing. But I'd completely reframe the champagne the other night as you rightfully celebrating seeing this gaslighting weirdo for who he is, rather than drifting romantically into marriage with him.

Sorry OP, it's all been a bit of a rollercoaster for you.

his wife literally said “Maybe”.

Not “get to fuck” or “absolutely no”

she didn’t ignore him.

You will never be able to ignore this, and you shouldn’t. They can divorce and she will always be in his life due to the grandchildren.

he doesn’t just “need a shake”. He has given away who he is.

leg it

He’s not committed to you emotionally, sexually or morally.
Don’t discuss his “forgotten” half-proposal or the text messages you’ve seen as you’ll give him a chance to deceive you. He’s only looking out for himself and opportunities for sex. He’s even prepared to do it in front of his grandchildren. He’s not worth the ground you walk on. Basically he and his wife haven’t grown up, yet they have children and grandchildren.
Allow Mumsnet to embolden you. Set yourself free. Don’t be afraid.
DUMP HIM.

Tell him to move out and take him lying cheating arse far far away from you! Have some respect for yourself even if he doesn’t have any for you!!

You sound like you have such low low self esteem and are letting him walk all over you. I’m so sorry about that and hope you can come to appreciate soon that you’re worth more.

lmao op why are you asking for advice - you know what this man is and what you should do, dozens of strangers have objectively told you what this man is and what you should do, and you’re ignoring every one of them. You have no commitments or reasons to stay with him yet are choosing to remain and make excuses, so just stay and be miserable if you’re not going to do leave.

I would stop making excuses for his shitty behaviour for a start. He knew exactly what he was doing. What an utter disrespect with you sitting in the car. How awful for you. I understand you must feel awful but please let this all sink in. As women we’ve been conditioned to make excuses for men like how you are are. His self sabotaging isn’t the problem, as if he was doing this it would be very obvious. He’s being a disloyal and cheating prick, that’s the real diagnosis here! This will eat away at you.

I know of 2 men who refused to marry their long term girlfriends because they never wanted to get married. Girlfriends broke up with them. Next person the men found they married, and the women went on to find and marry another man also. It isn’t that he doesn't want to get married, he doesn’t want to marry you. Move on.
That said, I also know a woman whose long term partner didn’t want kids. That was a dealbreaker for her, they split up, he couldn’t live without her. They got married, had 1 child and he turned into a fantastic stay at home dad. My point is, if truly wants you, he would want you to be happy. You are not happy. Move on.

Hi - still thinking about your situation. You asked a previous poster what they would do about the texts. I admire you for having the strength to hold off on confronting him (or maybe you never will). I would have lost my ever loving mind and walloped him the minute he walked in the door.

He has shown you who he is. It's now up to you to decide if you can live your life with the uncertainty of his commitment. I wish we could all impart more self esteem and/or inner strength to you, but you will get there when you are ready. Best to you.