He doesn’t remember

[Lastchoice]

I’ve been with my partner for ten years (although it was a bit on/off to begin with), lived together a year.

He is still married to his wife; although they separated about 15 years ago. They just never got round to divorcing but have legally separated so nothing to organise in terms of property, finances etc.

We have had a hard year this year. Both his parents passed away but we got through it together. Supported each other.

Now the issue, I’ve never pushed marriage as he is still married and was cheated on by his wife just didn’t think he would ever do it again and I sort of accepted it. But the other night (after a few drinks, he wasn’t drunk just had a few) he told me he wanted to properly divorce so we could marry. I myself don’t have any family and we discussed making me officially part of his, taking his name. I was over the moon. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted.

We discussed how we would like to do it. Where. Discussed keeping it small. Everything…

Now he’s told me he doesn’t remember anything from the other night. I’m heartbroken. I didn't tell him what was said. But I’m honestly gutted.

Feel like getting a shower and just going to bed. I can’t sit here all night and hide my upset.

Where do I go from here??

or because she ignored his advances

You need to decide what you want. If you want to stay in a relationship with him without marriage, and if not, tell him. It's not about ultimatums, but don't stay in a relationship that does not meet your needs just because its easier. It sounds like you want to be married, you want that commitment and this has simply highlighted this fact for you.

Edited to add : my original post crossed with your update. I take it the relationship is now over. If not, ask yourself why not, why are you prepared to accept this? In which case, of course he isn't going to marry you - you are both showing each other how little you both value you.

“I know in my heart he would never go back to her”

we must’ve read different messages from him to the wife 😂

OP, where is your self respect?

I would assume from the message you saw that they have been having intermittent sex over the course of their long seperation. That he has been cheating on you with her. It certainly explains why he has never bothered with a divorce - he enjoys having her as an option.
Honestly OP for my own self respect I would finish the relationship with him. You seem so wanting to make excuses for him and he really doesn't deserve you.

That makes it worse. It means his talk of divorce and marrying you was just to get to her.

Oh, OP, why are you making excuses for him and his shitty behaviour? This post from you makes me so sad, as it suggests insecurity and such a lack of respect for yourself. I wonder if having little other family makes you think you should settle for whatever crumbs of affection this man offers and makes you feel like you have to excuse his bad behaviour? I really hope you have people to talk to about this in real life, so they can make you see that you deserve better than this.

If this were a healthy relationship and the only issue was to marry or stay as unmarried domestic partners, I'd say just either ignore the other conversation and ask him to marry you or ignore that he said he didn't remember/mean it and tell him not to be silly, there are wedding plans to be made. But now you know that this person is willing to hurt you deeply and lie to you in order to indulge himself, amuse himself, excuse himself, and save himself embarrassment. You don't have to make a decision right this second, but it's time to really consider whether you really want to be with him, married or not.

Look, you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about. And it’s ok to want to get married. What I don’t think you should do is to pretend in front of him that you don’t.

You need to sit down together when neither of you is busy and talk about it like adults. If you sense he really doesn’t want to get married, why is it? You need to get to the bottom of this.

Yes he is clearly still sleeping with his wife .

She already has. Read updates. He’s been at very least flirting with his wife.

.

Sorry about my last message, OP. I hadn’t read the full thread. I’m sorry about the new development, it’s not great news. I guess it could be just banter if they’re on super friendly terms. If not, then it’s more worrying.

Back ti the marriage issue: if he knows how much marriage means to you, yet he still doesn’t want to get married, then unfortunately you need to wonder about the depth of his feelings for you.

Self-sabotaging? Chasing "bad love"? Doesn't know how to handle when things are good?

FFS OP. He's cheating (or wanting to cheat) on you and you're justifying it and making excuses for him!!! What the hell?!

Also by the sounds of it, they've had sex recently (or at least since they "separated").

You're making excuses for this man. He had a 'hard upbringing', blah, blah.

If he had wanted to get divorced, he would have done.

If he wanted to marry you, he'd had asked - properly, not drunk, so he 'forgets'.

He hasn't done those things. Judge him by his actions (or lack of) and not the words he's saying, as they clearly don't match. Either put up with it as it is, or pull some self-respect together and leave this relationship, which is clearly going nowhere and where you are not valued.

Sorry to sound harsh, but that's the truth of the matter.

Well that’s a complete turnaround from what you were hoping to find. Some men can be such dicks. You deserve better OP and trust me there are much better men out there. Personally I would prefer to live alone then to be with someone so weak.

If he makes bad choices and self sabotages when things are going well, then why are you willing to marry him? He's just going to pull it all apart if its going well, so youre setting yourself up for a life of it always being rocky and hard work

Yep this just about covers it. Say this.

Read on.......

He does remember of course he does. He also hasn't divorced because he doesn't want to get married again does he?
You need a frank chat. Can you afford to part ways?

Well, that and the bit about recently offering to shag his wife.

Just read this, dump this cheating tosser. He can go back to his wife can't he? You are still the Other Woman

Funny story: my former stepdad (maybe present stepdad since you don't divorce from step kids only spouses) was brought to court for bigamy and he said he'd forgotten he was already married. They let him go.

Your job is not to sacrifice your own life to rescue him.

Beware seeing yourself as his saviour, and enjoying the role of heroine.

You have no family: you can’t afford to rely on someone who self sabotages: he will take you down with him.

He is flaky as fuck.

You are in a relationship with someone who is still in a legal and financial contract with someone else.

And apparently willing to be in a sexual relationship too.

What is your housing situation?

OP don't make excuses for him. He is flirting with his ex and making it obvious he's up for sleeping with her. I would assume that he probably has over the course of their long separation. If you want to keep your dignity and self worth intact, you need to walk away from this relationship now. You'd be an absolute fool to stay with him.