He doesn’t remember

[Lastchoice]

I’ve been with my partner for ten years (although it was a bit on/off to begin with), lived together a year.

He is still married to his wife; although they separated about 15 years ago. They just never got round to divorcing but have legally separated so nothing to organise in terms of property, finances etc.

We have had a hard year this year. Both his parents passed away but we got through it together. Supported each other.

Now the issue, I’ve never pushed marriage as he is still married and was cheated on by his wife just didn’t think he would ever do it again and I sort of accepted it. But the other night (after a few drinks, he wasn’t drunk just had a few) he told me he wanted to properly divorce so we could marry. I myself don’t have any family and we discussed making me officially part of his, taking his name. I was over the moon. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted.

We discussed how we would like to do it. Where. Discussed keeping it small. Everything…

Now he’s told me he doesn’t remember anything from the other night. I’m heartbroken. I didn't tell him what was said. But I’m honestly gutted.

Feel like getting a shower and just going to bed. I can’t sit here all night and hide my upset.

Where do I go from here??

I think it’s odd he’s not got divorced, he could just fill it in online and get in with it.

The only part I am going to take issue with is your comment about not believing anyone who says they don't remember. Sometimes, I can have a single glass of wine and forget the entire evening despite not being remotely drunk. It makes zero sense to me, as other times, I can drink a lot more and remember everything. It can be extremely unnerving the next day to realise you can't recall things while knowing you were not drunk.

Hmm he just woke up the next day and goes, hmmm I don't remember what I said last night.
He definitely remembers but if future proofing to make sure you don't bring it up. Effing back end hole.
You say it's everything you ever wanted so why haven't you talked to him about it? You are there serving his needs while he dicks around. Be careful. This is the sort that will play with you for years then one day walk out and in weeks you will hear he is marrying the new one. And what happens if he dies still married to his first wife?
@Lastchoice you need to start making yourself the first choice (I was going to say putting yourself first the just saw your username !!). This man in an inconsiderate time waster

This isn't true in Scottish law where finances are decided from the point of legal separation not the date of a divorce. If he is legally separated and writes a will, the will stands. As does any declaration about who is his NOK.

How does he not remember the champagne? Do you often keep chilled bottles in the fridge so he just hasn’t noticed one has gone/the empty bottle?

Yep. Bastard!

I wouldn't bring it up. The moment to talk about it has gone. You don't feel comfortable enough with your partner to say " what you on about" at the time demonstrates you should not be marrying him During my marriage and relationship we talked about anything and everything. How can you be comfortable sharing your life intimately without that?

Why are you wasting time on this loser? 10 years you’ve spent waiting around while he’s still married to another woman. Can’t be arsed sorting that, can’t be arsed making a proper life with you, he sounds lazy with no direction or inclination to sort things while you wait around hoping he’ll change.

If that is all you’ve ever wanted then you need to raise the bar and see that there is no real committed future with a man like that.

Good luck op with that conversation, also pin him down to start divorce process, its on line takes 5 mins they email copy to x wife, she agrees, that's it

Legal separation has been around for generations. I'm astounded people haven't heard of it. My parents were Catholic and we're legally separated but never divorced.

He isn’t the one for you or he would have got a divorce before now, you are kidding yourself if you think differently!!!!
He hasn’t forgotten he just wants you to forget and play along with his stupid games.

The fact that it seems no one these days ever considers “maybe I should just talk to them about this” as a solution is wild.

He's the fool, not you! You're far too tolerant for a man who seems to be gaslighting you. You deserve better! X

I would check how legal the Financial separation is, pensions get paid to spouses, often after separations.

Have you spoken to him properly about this.
That's your first step

Update -

So we spoke, he does remember but has shifted from wanting to do it (our original conversation) to only doing it for me. But still willing to do it.

He said he would contact his wife this week to discuss finalising everything.

So yesterday morning I was on his phone to check what time his brother and his kids were coming for dinner. I seen messages to the wife so I thought I would be nosey see if he has text her about it. I NEVER expected what I found!

So basically a couple of weeks ago we dropped his grandkids at hers. I was outside in the car. And the message asked her if she was “giving him the look she used to when she wanted some fun” she says maybe. And he replied “she should make it more obvious next time, and he was free the weekend”.

I feel heartbroken. I know in my heart he would never go back to her. He just self sabotages. I don’t even know whether to bring this up with him. I don’t know what to do.

Of course bring it up. Whether he does it or not, it looks like he was making plans to cheat on you.

Oh op come on
have some self respect
he’s making a fool out of you
he won’t get better , he won’t suddenly change.

He has a history of self sabotaging. He has a pretty hard upbringing. His mum was cruel. His ex wife is pretty similar personality wise.

I don’t believe he would go through with this. He just chases bad love. He doesn’t know how to handle when things are good. I honestly could shake him.

So, just to clarify, instead of messaging his wife about arranging a divorce, he messaged her a flirty text about hooking up?

You're just the OW, you’ll never be the wife.

Surely that obvious now?

The messages were from a couple of weeks back. Not after these conversations with us

Not that it makes it better

So he had the conversation with you out of guilt at flirting with his ex?

This is such a mess. My original advice was going to be that he should get divorced no matter what as the wife would be entitled to his assets surely if he does. I guess that doesn’t matter now for you as I don’t know if you should be with him

Why are you still with someone who hasn’t even divorced his first wife? You’re wasting your life holding on to someone who clearly has no intention of marrying you.

He’s stringing you along