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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cold war with DH - what to do?

134 replies

Potatohead2 · 22/09/2025 00:24

It's been 3 days since it started. My DH did something really silly and I snapped and yelled at him. I think I did overreact and it made him very angry but I just couldn’t hold it at that moment.

He said I always complained and got angry at him and it’s better that he stops talking to me.

Later that day after I picked up my son and saw him outside the house, I said to him I’m sorry for shouting. He ignored me.

We have 2 children, 4yo son and 10mo daughter. My life right now is all around them. I’m breastfeeding and cosleeping with the children. And DH and I haven’t had much intimacy since the baby was born and I feel this could be something contributing to this cold war too.

we’ve been married for 9 years and it’s never been like this. Usually we would make up after a fight quite quickly. This time, after my first attempt at saying sorry, I tried to engage again a few times but received the same response. I’m just fed up and find that we both try to avoid each other now.

so now I’m thinking what a point of trying? During the last 3 days while I’m busy with the children, DH gets to stay up late playing his game, waking up late (no helping with getting DS ready for school in the morning, etc…), playing with the children sometimes while I’m busy doing something. No help with chores. Usually he would help, if I ask. I think now if I ask he probably would do it but I don’t want to ask anymore. ive told him so many times that I’m tired of asking for help. Why can’t he just do things around the house without me asking?

by the way, the silly thing he did that made me snapped was also a household chore that I asked him to do, he did it but it was like creating more work for me to do after.

im just fed up. I don’t know what to do. I’m annoyed of having to do everything with the children while he gets to do what he wants. I know I was wrong for shouting at him but the way he’s behaving right now annoys me so much that I couldn’t bring myself to ask him to have a talk or apologise again.

what should I do? I thought of separation but it breaks my heart thinking about the effects it may have on our children.

OP posts:
MumChp · 22/09/2025 00:29

I would suggest counseling.

SallyDraperGetInHere · 22/09/2025 00:34

I would suggest that cold wars have to be thawed. The quicker you move to a negotiated settlement, the quicker you can move on. The toddler years are the absolute worst. Don’t yield on jobs shared. Focus on what life should look like when your children are 7 and 3 - who’s doing the football run, who’s doing laundry, are you working full time, and what generally does life look like? If he’s not on board, why not?

WinterSunglasses · 22/09/2025 00:37

During the last 3 days while I’m busy with the children, DH gets to stay up late playing his game, waking up late (no helping with getting DS ready for school in the morning, etc…), playing with the children sometimes while I’m busy doing something. No help with chores

Doesn't he have a job? Don't the kids ever ask him for anything or expect him to do something for them? What about meals, are you doing all the cooking and he just saunters in and eats silently? He doesn't sound like he's ever been pulling his weight tbh.

Bobiverse · 22/09/2025 00:41

I’d be going up to him and saying,

”Whatever your problem is with me, you do not get to check out if parenting. You’ve left me to deal with the children and the chores without a word and I won’t accept it. Your silent treatment towards me is separate issue which needs to be dealt with but I won’t parent alone for another day while you swan off and do whatever you want.”

Then hand him the kids and go out. Maybe book a hotel and stay out for a few days.

Original poster
Potatohead2 · 22/09/2025 00:42

WinterSunglasses · 22/09/2025 00:37

During the last 3 days while I’m busy with the children, DH gets to stay up late playing his game, waking up late (no helping with getting DS ready for school in the morning, etc…), playing with the children sometimes while I’m busy doing something. No help with chores

Doesn't he have a job? Don't the kids ever ask him for anything or expect him to do something for them? What about meals, are you doing all the cooking and he just saunters in and eats silently? He doesn't sound like he's ever been pulling his weight tbh.

He woke up and left for work straight away. When he got home he played with DS when I was busy with DD. I’m doing all the cooking but he got takeaway and ate at different time. I’m currently on mat leave.

OP posts:
Echoeingecho · 22/09/2025 00:45

I’m so sorry to read of the troubles you are experiencing. Having two such young children is very hard work but it sounds like you’re carrying the task of caring by yourself.

It’s not surprising that you snapped. You’re living with someone who clearly isn’t pulling their weight and when you’ve had enough he’s turning it round on you. He’s now stonewalling you, even though you’ve tried to make amends. This is emotional abuse.

As he’s refusing to communicate, you should write down exactly why you’ve had enough. Be completely honest with what he should be contributing to family life and the chores. Don’t apologise again. Be clear and concise about what needs to change. Try and do this when you aren’t feeling angry.

Give him the letter and ask him to read it. His reaction will tell you if there is any chance of continuing with your relationship.

Original poster
Potatohead2 · 22/09/2025 00:48

SallyDraperGetInHere · 22/09/2025 00:34

I would suggest that cold wars have to be thawed. The quicker you move to a negotiated settlement, the quicker you can move on. The toddler years are the absolute worst. Don’t yield on jobs shared. Focus on what life should look like when your children are 7 and 3 - who’s doing the football run, who’s doing laundry, are you working full time, and what generally does life look like? If he’s not on board, why not?

yes I’ve been telling myself that it would get better once the children are older but it’s just getting so hard right now. I know we need to sort this out but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I feel so resented towards him right now.

OP posts:
TealSapphire · 22/09/2025 00:51

He doesn't do more with the house and the children because he doesn't want to. You shouldn't need to direct him on what needs doing, I'm sure he manages at work without being micro managed, or if it's something he values. Now he's in a strop, and that's his excuse for being lazy.

I guess you could try having a discussion about who does what/division of labour but he's unlikely to change long term. Either go it alone or accept that he's a millstone around your neck and tolerate it until three children are older. (It does set a poor example for them though of course).

Original poster
Potatohead2 · 22/09/2025 00:54

Bobiverse · 22/09/2025 00:41

I’d be going up to him and saying,

”Whatever your problem is with me, you do not get to check out if parenting. You’ve left me to deal with the children and the chores without a word and I won’t accept it. Your silent treatment towards me is separate issue which needs to be dealt with but I won’t parent alone for another day while you swan off and do whatever you want.”

Then hand him the kids and go out. Maybe book a hotel and stay out for a few days.

I would love to be away for a few days but DS just started reception and will need me to be around as he stills gets emotional going to school. Thank you for the suggested message though. I will definitely use it.

OP posts:
Newfigtree · 22/09/2025 05:15

You’re on mat leave. His expectation will be that you manage the kids and household chores by yourself.
Not sure you can change his attitude about this though.

morethanspice · 22/09/2025 05:31

Hes being abusive. Ignore him and make plans to separate it’s no way to live unless this is very out of the ordinary My ex “punished “ me in this way and it nearly destroyed me eventually

DeepRubySwan · 22/09/2025 05:46

This is really emotional abuse. Can you take the kids and stay with your parents for a week? Give him and you space. Then when things are calmer just let him know that if he ever does that again, you're gone.

UpDownAllAround1 · 22/09/2025 05:57

Talk to him

EveningSpread · 22/09/2025 06:11

Came here to say that the silent treatment is emotional abuse.

And your husband is a pathetic man baby who’s checked out of family life. It’s astounding that he can behave like this. But so many men do just leave it all to their wife.

Everyone says don’t make any big decisions the year after a major event like having a child.

If you can afford counselling then definitely have some - if he’s open to it.

whimsicallyprickly · 22/09/2025 06:19

MumChp · 22/09/2025 00:29

I would suggest counseling.

I would suggest that counselling with an abuser is not advisable

Anyone who uses silence as a weapon is an abuser and probably a narcissist. Possibly (depending on other characteristics) a psychopath

My suggestion is always walk away from your abuser and never look back. I have a feeling that you won't want to do this.

He won't change
Hes a nasty abusive man
Please protect yourself and the children

MumChp · 22/09/2025 06:32

whimsicallyprickly · 22/09/2025 06:19

I would suggest that counselling with an abuser is not advisable

Anyone who uses silence as a weapon is an abuser and probably a narcissist. Possibly (depending on other characteristics) a psychopath

My suggestion is always walk away from your abuser and never look back. I have a feeling that you won't want to do this.

He won't change
Hes a nasty abusive man
Please protect yourself and the children

Show quote history

Councelling can help people split op in a good way and handle the children well.

frozendaisy · 22/09/2025 07:36

He's being silent and moody and eating take-away and generally doing what he likes with complete disregard for his wife and mother of his children because he can basically.

You are doing everything and he now knows if he gives you the silent treatment you will "get back in line" and he can go back to playing his game. I mean really what man chooses that over being part of a loving family and household.

Depends on how confrontational you want to be, me personally all this just wouldn't work, my approach would be

"this silent treatment abuse, because it is a form of abuse look it up and a reputable website, won't work with me, if this is how you think it is going to be going forward, you being silent, moody, removed then there is no point in being in the same household. If this is how you want to treat your wife and mother of your children then you are welcome to go and find a new one. You are being a pathetic manchild, you know you are one of the grown ups in the room now start actings like one "big man" "

Or something along those lines, you have a 4 year old just starting school, and a breastfeeding daughter, to see daddy not show a bit of interest in his day at school, begrudgingly spend a bit of time with him, not ask him about his day, be part of eating and the evening together, ignoring his mum, lord knows what your 4 year old is thinking. Do you want your son to start thinking if he ignores everyone he will get his own way?

Your son will be subconsciously if nothing else, be looking towards his dad, his adult male role model, for clues on how to act, are your husband's actions what he wants to teach his son?

Fine he can be in a mood with you, once the kids are in bed he can silent fume all evening if he likes, but to carry on being a petulant wanker in front of his son, who has just gone to school, and might just might think it's him going to school that is causing the upset at home, basically you just don't know if or how much damage this might be causing your son, and that for me would be the most unforgivable part. I would have probably mentioned this calmly the first evening that I was a adult and can deal with a strop but for him to be potentially affecting our child who has just started school, that's a line that he wouldn't get to cross, or if he did all my respect for him as some big, strong role model would evaporate. His ego would not be our child's issue basically.

And I would tell him this. Calmly but firmly.

And if this carries on, if this is how he thinks he is going to get to you to do all the childcare and domestic chores when you go back to work, because it looks like this is what he is testing out, I would again firmly explain that I wouldn't put up with it and would be prepared to live in separate houses than live like this. So he can buck up his ideas or risk losing everything you have built up. Those are the options.

warmapplepies · 22/09/2025 07:50

MumChp · 22/09/2025 06:32

Councelling can help people split op in a good way and handle the children well.

Show quote history

Not when one party is abusive.

User2025meow · 22/09/2025 07:57

It’s quite amazing how they just know how to use weaponised incompetence in relation to household tasks. Then when you understandably in frustration react to that, they go to the silent treatment to train you better so you don’t confront him on his weaponised incompetence in the future. He’s just trying to stay in control because it benefits him. Whether you ultimately decide to stay with him or not, don’t let him get away with not pulling his weight. Very calmly, set out what tasks each of you can consistently be responsible for.

Spyship · 22/09/2025 08:03

I agree it is abuse.
And the task he did that started the argument was deliberate incompetence so that you wouldn't ask him to do things in the household again.
His behaviour is appalling.
You should to tell him he needs to act like an adult and work with you as a partnership. And if he doesn't do that then honestly OP you should take legal advice about ending your marriage to this selfish, nasty man.

ExtraOnions · 22/09/2025 08:09

How often do you get angry?
How often do you shout at him?

Does it happen frequently, and he’s just had enough. Yes, silent treatment is abuse, but so is angry shouting.

Nobody here knows the history of your relationship, just the incident in your OP.

notatinydancer · 22/09/2025 08:19

Silent treatment is abuse. Tell him you’re not putting up with it and if it continues you will split up.
I did that after a couple of episodes, never happened again.

Original poster
Potatohead2 · 22/09/2025 09:41

Thank you all for your advice. It’s been really helpful to have your opinions. Just an update, I woke him up this morning to take ds to school as ds wants all of us to take him. Ds knows we are current not “friends” and asked us to hold hands but I told ds to give his dad some space and it’s okay sometimes we are not okay with each other.

on the way back after drop off, I asked him if he wanted to talk or still wants to keep silent. He again remained silent. I said I take it as a Yes then walked off.

back at home, he played with baby a bit before going to work.

i will send him a letter later on today.

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 22/09/2025 09:55

What a horrible fucker. This is abuse and he's trying to teach you a lesson - stay in line.
He's using your row to opt out, knowing you'll do it all for the sake of the children. He needs to grow up fast as he's going to lose the lot! I'm raging on your behalf.
Write the letter and withdraw all privileges. Nothing that personally benefits him.
You've tried to pacify him, the fucking baby, now it's time to get serious.