Cold war with DH - what to do?

[Potatohead2]

It's been 3 days since it started. My DH did something really silly and I snapped and yelled at him. I think I did overreact and it made him very angry but I just couldn’t hold it at that moment.

He said I always complained and got angry at him and it’s better that he stops talking to me.

Later that day after I picked up my son and saw him outside the house, I said to him I’m sorry for shouting. He ignored me.

We have 2 children, 4yo son and 10mo daughter. My life right now is all around them. I’m breastfeeding and cosleeping with the children. And DH and I haven’t had much intimacy since the baby was born and I feel this could be something contributing to this cold war too.

we’ve been married for 9 years and it’s never been like this. Usually we would make up after a fight quite quickly. This time, after my first attempt at saying sorry, I tried to engage again a few times but received the same response. I’m just fed up and find that we both try to avoid each other now.

so now I’m thinking what a point of trying? During the last 3 days while I’m busy with the children, DH gets to stay up late playing his game, waking up late (no helping with getting DS ready for school in the morning, etc…), playing with the children sometimes while I’m busy doing something. No help with chores. Usually he would help, if I ask. I think now if I ask he probably would do it but I don’t want to ask anymore. ive told him so many times that I’m tired of asking for help. Why can’t he just do things around the house without me asking?

by the way, the silly thing he did that made me snapped was also a household chore that I asked him to do, he did it but it was like creating more work for me to do after.

im just fed up. I don’t know what to do. I’m annoyed of having to do everything with the children while he gets to do what he wants. I know I was wrong for shouting at him but the way he’s behaving right now annoys me so much that I couldn’t bring myself to ask him to have a talk or apologise again.

what should I do? I thought of separation but it breaks my heart thinking about the effects it may have on our children.

thank you so much everyone for your input. I will think it through tonight and try to send him something constructive tomorrow.

i know there is no perfect marriage and there will always be ups and downs. I don’t think we have ever been in this situation before. Usually he would try to initiate first and we then talked things through. I think it may be because those times he knew that it was his fault. This time he clearly thinks that me shouting is unreasonable and he’s had enough. He didn’t intentionally do it wrong, I snapped because I couldn’t understand how he could get it wrong but I know it wasn’t his intention to do it wrong so I would stop asking him to do things.

i dont think he’s an abuser. He probably doesn’t know himself that silent treatment is an abusive behaviour.

i dont think we can afford counselling at the moment. I’m on the last few weeks of Mat leave so no pay. I think we’ve completely lost our connection as we haven’t spent time together for such a long time. Absolutely no intimacy, no sex, no going out, nothing since baby was born.

I will need to think of my contributing parts in this conflict before making any decisions.

he got home from work early today and went to pick up ds. I feel like he still wants to be present in our children’s lives, but avoid me or have minimal contacts with me. It breaks my heart to think that my children would never have happy family times with both mum and dad if we split up.

They aren’t having happy family times with you now though op…. Divorced would be much better than what’s happening now and he is being extremely childish at this point. Have you considered messaging him; I tried talking to you. This is a terrible environment for the children with their dad playing the silent treatment, I don’t think you realise how bad it is for them to absorb that parents can act like this. Do you think we should separate? I am going to call your mum tonight and ask if you can stay there if you can’t talk to me, as I think it’s very damaging for the children. My heart breaks at the idea of them having a broken home, but it can’t be worse for their emotional development than seeing their dad act like this. If you don’t let me know otherwise, verbally, I’ll call your mum before dinner.

Firstly, STOP co-sleeping with children. I don't know when this stupid thing came in, but it damages marriages. They should be in the nursery/own room from day one they come home from hospital. And nothing will change my mind on that.

Secondly, sometimes men deliberately do things like chores, wrong. They self-sabotage the chore you've given them, so that you will think they're useless and do it yourself and then, they will get out of it. Don't fix any errors he makes, he will just learn you will take over and he will have fooled you.

Lastly, it sounds like he intends to be like his father, sadly. And always did all along. And he thinks he can get away with it. I'd be adding in your letter that he either steps up, or you file for divorce. That may shock him into straightening up and fighting for the marriage.

Oh and don't worry about splitting up. Children always prefer to be with a happy mum than in an unhappy atmosphere. Even you son has picked up on what's going on. You don't think your household atmosphere isn't having an affect on him? Splitting would be better emotionally for your son.

Firstly, STOP co-sleeping with children. I don't know when this stupid thing came in, but it damages marriages. They should be in the nursery/own room from day one they come home from hospital. And nothing will change my mind on that.

Even evidence from medical professionals?

Ok then, you do you.

However @Potatohead2 - unless your husband is a surgeon, your son should be in his own big boy room and the baby should be in with the pair of you if you're still feeding, with a view to their own room by one.

The rest of @ThatBlackCat 's post I agree with

His goal is to make you grovel and never shout at him again, so you carry on being the skivvy and he carries on being a man-child

Honestly fuck this guy, he's dead weight.

This thread feels very intense. To me this version of silent treatment is certainly horrible, but it does sound more like disastrously bad communication than abuse, just like your shouting. I have absolutely no doubt that the lack of intimacy is a huge contributing factor and part of a cycle of distancing yourselves. I think a third party might help.

I would try to keep communicating. Don’t stop. Try to find something positive to say. If a child of yours does something lovely with him, or reminds you of him in a good way, say so. And be honest. Things feel really bad but you’re not willing to give up on him yet.

I have recommended ‘Rapport’ the book on here to others because a friend whose marriage was shaking towards an end found it extremely helpful and is still married.

There is some cheap relationship counselling out there. Ask your GP/local charities.

If my husband was giving me the silent treatment then I’d be giving him some home truths about how life was going to be going forward and it wouldn’t be with us staying married. Whether or not he knows that this an abusive tactic doesn’t matter- it is so he either behaves like a grown up or he can run back to mummy.

I've heard of these cards / this card game called "Fair play" to do with working out a fair division of household chores, life admin and the mental load. I think it could work for you. Hopefully he'd pick up more jobs. And you'd accept that if it's his job you don't nag or micro manage performance. (By the way I expect you're only doing 2 & 3 on that list because he's crappy at 1 but there we go. Doing the game would show you're 'meeting him where he's at'). See if you can find out about this.

My XH used to do this to me. If I 'stepped out of line' (as he thought it) I would get the silent treatment, where he'd talk to the children and anyone else but I would be ignored. I got round it by talking to him as absolutely normal and filling in his responses when he refused to make them, as in 'would you like a cup of tea? No? All right then, I'll make myself one. Are you going out later? Oh, that's a shame I was going to make dinner...' Very one sided but it showed that I wasn't just going to sit in silence. It also showed up his refusal to talk to me to others.

My X was a nasty tit though. He tried to 'train me' to behave the way he wanted by withdrawing attention until I was suitably abject. So I stopped being upset by it. You could try this, OP, but be warned, learning to treat him as though he was a mere annoyance meant that I lost all feelings for my XH. But I probably would anyway, when he treated me like a badly behaved dog.

Nope. Don’t let anyone tell you your anger towards him not being a decent fucking parent is your fault.

As I see it, your choice is to set down your reasonable expectations for him to be a parent and for him to agree to it, or to get out now whilst you still have a shred of sanity.

You can't change others actions, you can only focus and look after yourself.

In the short term, I would do this, book myself a hairdressers appointment or a spa day, whatever you fancy and say to DH, see you tonight, I won't be back before bedtime.

He is punishing you by giving you the silent treatment in the expectation that you will admit you were in the wrong, and offer a grovelling apology for shouting at him.

Don't give him that satisfaction. He damn well should be pulling his weight and behave like a grown-up when there are two tots in the house, but he doesn't want to do it, and resents you trying to get him to take on his fair share.

This may well be the beginning of the end of this relationship. Oh, and there is no such thing as 'nagging'. It is a misogynistic term thrown about as an insult.

I thought of separation but it breaks my heart thinking about the effects it may have on our children.

Your children being exposed to this toxic abusive behaviour from their father and between their parents including the on edge environment all the time will also do the same 🤷‍♀️ This is not healthy and is abusive. Leave.

He can also tell her if she ever shouts and yells at him again (which is also abusive behavior) he will be leaving with the children.

No reason for her to be shouty.
They're both abusive to each other - he doesn't have to take the blame here

Wow!! And op has apologise for her outburst

But only for herself. Counselling won’t make him a better person

In wouldn’t say information about silent treatment and no engagement with household tasks is scant. It’s dreadful.

In the basis of what you’ve told us, I think it’s unlikely he is going to become better. People who don’t pull their weight and give silent treatment don’t generally become better people.

OP has tried to engage, has apologised for shouting and is aware that’s not ok, but he has stonewalled her for some time which is abusive.

Unfortunately a lot of men in their heart of hearts just don’t want true equality in their relationships. You can imagine especially for your partner OP, as he has seen his mother running around like a skivvy for his dad for years - that is the example he’s had. It will take the next generation as we raise our sons differently before we see real change.

Bit it wasn't a one off and apologising fior being abusive isn't usually accepted on Mumsnet

As dreadful as her shouting at him several times but "not every day"

I do agree that you need to take on board that you have both behaved badly and your children are currently growing up in a toxic environment.

I’d write it all down for him, as in “I apologise for shouting. That’s not the environment I want for our children. From my perspective, when you xx, I feel yy.” Make a bulleted list of everything. And I’d probably end with something like “when you ignore me for days of end I lose all respect for you. It’s abusive and a terrible example to set to our children. On that basis, if we’re not a communicative team I see no point in you being here.”

It helps to write it all down sometimes without him reacting to what you’re saying in the moment. I’d also ask where his empathy is – you’re a co-sleeping, breastfeeding, sleep-deprived mother and you’re allowed to lose your shit at someone not pulling their weight. Being petty I’d probably ask what his friends would say if you told them how he was acting. Sometimes the threat of outside judgment is like a cold shower. Good luck OP. You’re in the trenches but he should have your back; he shouldn’t be making things harder.