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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cold war with DH - what to do?

134 replies

Potatohead2 · 22/09/2025 00:24

It's been 3 days since it started. My DH did something really silly and I snapped and yelled at him. I think I did overreact and it made him very angry but I just couldn’t hold it at that moment.

He said I always complained and got angry at him and it’s better that he stops talking to me.

Later that day after I picked up my son and saw him outside the house, I said to him I’m sorry for shouting. He ignored me.

We have 2 children, 4yo son and 10mo daughter. My life right now is all around them. I’m breastfeeding and cosleeping with the children. And DH and I haven’t had much intimacy since the baby was born and I feel this could be something contributing to this cold war too.

we’ve been married for 9 years and it’s never been like this. Usually we would make up after a fight quite quickly. This time, after my first attempt at saying sorry, I tried to engage again a few times but received the same response. I’m just fed up and find that we both try to avoid each other now.

so now I’m thinking what a point of trying? During the last 3 days while I’m busy with the children, DH gets to stay up late playing his game, waking up late (no helping with getting DS ready for school in the morning, etc…), playing with the children sometimes while I’m busy doing something. No help with chores. Usually he would help, if I ask. I think now if I ask he probably would do it but I don’t want to ask anymore. ive told him so many times that I’m tired of asking for help. Why can’t he just do things around the house without me asking?

by the way, the silly thing he did that made me snapped was also a household chore that I asked him to do, he did it but it was like creating more work for me to do after.

im just fed up. I don’t know what to do. I’m annoyed of having to do everything with the children while he gets to do what he wants. I know I was wrong for shouting at him but the way he’s behaving right now annoys me so much that I couldn’t bring myself to ask him to have a talk or apologise again.

what should I do? I thought of separation but it breaks my heart thinking about the effects it may have on our children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Potatohead2 · 22/09/2025 20:22

Gingernessy · 22/09/2025 19:10

Bit it wasn't a one off and apologising fior being abusive isn't usually accepted on Mumsnet

Show quote history

I agree I should have controlled my emotion better. I think we both have our reasons for being angry at each other and again, it takes 2 to tango. And I agree that we are also not the best at communicating with each other. What I want to do now and is seeking advice here is how to move forward from this, and we both need to learn from this experience. I won’t be able to do it myself when my husband is still giving me this silent treatment.

OP posts:
Gingernessy · 22/09/2025 20:33

Potatohead2 · 22/09/2025 20:22

I agree I should have controlled my emotion better. I think we both have our reasons for being angry at each other and again, it takes 2 to tango. And I agree that we are also not the best at communicating with each other. What I want to do now and is seeking advice here is how to move forward from this, and we both need to learn from this experience. I won’t be able to do it myself when my husband is still giving me this silent treatment.

Show quote history

No that's true and I think the letter is a good idea to hopefully get things moving - its sounds like he's just sort of given up and you both have things that are getting on top of you.
Could you maybe get some time out with him to sit and discuss things without the pressures of the kids and the household chores even just for a couple of hours - difficult I know.
Whatever happens I hope you both get to a happier place soon.

Perimenopauzzzz · 22/09/2025 20:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BadgernTheGarden · 22/09/2025 20:58

Tell him 3 days is enough punishment and he needs to give it up now and he needs to act like an adult and talk about problems. If he still won't talk then I would also stop talking or doing anything for him. If you have friends invite them for a chat or go for a coffee he's getting his social interaction at work while you're stuck with the silent treatment and the kids, you need to talk to people who talk back or you will go nuts! If he persists, at some point you will have to ask him to leave there is no point him being there acting like this.

CaravanLantern · 22/09/2025 20:58

Potatohead2 · 22/09/2025 10:39

Yes he did chores around the house, but mainly after I asked him. I think maybe he’s fed up because I keep ordering him around? And I’m resented because I keep having to do it.

i messaged him about something else (his family’s business) a few minutes ago and instead of responding to me, he responded in the family group chat

i really think he just wants to do this for the sake of annoying me now.

Show quote history

Asking someone to do their share of household chores doesn’t equate to ordering them around.

DorothyStorm · 22/09/2025 21:04

Gingernessy · 22/09/2025 19:13

As dreadful as her shouting at him several times but "not every day"

Show quote history

She has shouted at him for being a shit lazy arsed adult in a house with a baby and toddler. He was asked to do a chore and he did it so badly it left op with more work. So now he is giving op the silent treatment in front of the toddler.

maybe he should just grow the fuck up.

BadgernTheGarden · 22/09/2025 21:13

Potatohead2 · 22/09/2025 10:39

Yes he did chores around the house, but mainly after I asked him. I think maybe he’s fed up because I keep ordering him around? And I’m resented because I keep having to do it.

i messaged him about something else (his family’s business) a few minutes ago and instead of responding to me, he responded in the family group chat

i really think he just wants to do this for the sake of annoying me now.

Show quote history

If he wants to only communicate through the family group chat, I might start communicating with him through it and see if he will embarrass himself to the family by not responding. 'I think we should discuss the fight we had the other night, when would you like to discuss it?', or 'I know you're not talking to me but we really need to talk about...'. or 'Please forgive me for upsetting you the other night I really didn't mean too can we discuss it'. Or perhaps start with more general questions not directly linked to the argument, but forcing him to reply or look really odd.

Original poster
Potatohead2 · 22/09/2025 21:17

BadgernTheGarden · 22/09/2025 21:13

If he wants to only communicate through the family group chat, I might start communicating with him through it and see if he will embarrass himself to the family by not responding. 'I think we should discuss the fight we had the other night, when would you like to discuss it?', or 'I know you're not talking to me but we really need to talk about...'. or 'Please forgive me for upsetting you the other night I really didn't mean too can we discuss it'. Or perhaps start with more general questions not directly linked to the argument, but forcing him to reply or look really odd.

Show quote history

he didn’t respond to me in the group chat. I asked him if we are going to visit his parents this weekend so I can make plan and he responded to people in the group chat that he’s going to visit them this weekend. Not mentioning me or the kids whatsoever.

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 22/09/2025 21:18

Why does everyone, including the op, keep talking about her ‘apologising’ for her behaviour? Jeez if a marriage can't withstand the odd bit of frustrated shouting without him punishing her in a completely disproportionate way then fuck that.

He’s essentially grey rocked and abandoned his entire family duty for days leaving her to do it entirely on her own with two small children. What a prick. This would be a divorce level conversation for me whether he decided to open his stupid mouth and reply or not. Fuck him. He doesn’t deserve any consideration at this point. He should be the one apologising. No. Grovelling.

CaravanLantern · 22/09/2025 21:21

Potatohead2 · 22/09/2025 21:17

he didn’t respond to me in the group chat. I asked him if we are going to visit his parents this weekend so I can make plan and he responded to people in the group chat that he’s going to visit them this weekend. Not mentioning me or the kids whatsoever.

Show quote history

I’d totally grey rock at this point, @Potatohead2. I’d be like a nun with my vow of silence. No group chats, talk to the DC as usual, not notice his existence.

CaravanLantern · 22/09/2025 21:22

Screamingabdabz · 22/09/2025 21:18

Why does everyone, including the op, keep talking about her ‘apologising’ for her behaviour? Jeez if a marriage can't withstand the odd bit of frustrated shouting without him punishing her in a completely disproportionate way then fuck that.

He’s essentially grey rocked and abandoned his entire family duty for days leaving her to do it entirely on her own with two small children. What a prick. This would be a divorce level conversation for me whether he decided to open his stupid mouth and reply or not. Fuck him. He doesn’t deserve any consideration at this point. He should be the one apologising. No. Grovelling.

My thoughts precisely!

Nobumsonthetable · 22/09/2025 21:25

I can’t even keep reading, I know exactly what this is like. My exh weaponised his laziness so I would be run ragged doing everything, and if I brought it up there would be a huge argument and then the silent treatment. Record was 3 weeks. Oh I was also the breadwinner. Each we are now divorced and all I can say is I wish I hadn’t waited so long. If I’d pulled the plug when the kids were younger they wouldn’t even have remembered the old house, when mummy and daddy were married etc.

Arrivist · 22/09/2025 21:41

He’s an immature, lazy and manipulative sod.

user1471082124 · 22/09/2025 21:48

What a child he is. So sorry for Op being married to this

99bottlesofkombucha · 22/09/2025 22:27

Potatohead2 · 22/09/2025 20:22

I agree I should have controlled my emotion better. I think we both have our reasons for being angry at each other and again, it takes 2 to tango. And I agree that we are also not the best at communicating with each other. What I want to do now and is seeking advice here is how to move forward from this, and we both need to learn from this experience. I won’t be able to do it myself when my husband is still giving me this silent treatment.

Show quote history

I think you’re getting it op. You won’t be able to do it yourself. If he isn’t working on this then absolutely nothing can be done and this toxicity is what the children will absorb as long as you live in the same house as him. You need to realise this. You can’t fix him, you can’t fix this, and you should boot him out until he does. Call his mum, say he hasn’t spoken ti you in days, the kids know he’s not talking to you, and you are kicking him out.

morethanspice · 22/09/2025 22:33

100 % the issue is you are willing to accept some blame and meet in the middle/ and he isn’t, he’s in a massive sulk

blackpooolrock · 23/09/2025 09:04

I think you need to sit and tell him if he isn't going to come out his strop you will make moves to separate. You cannot allow him to abuse you in this way.

I also think you need to look at your own behaviour is you are shouty.

Maybe draw up a rota of jobs so you both know who should be doing what in terms of chores.

Further back you said your DH couldn't do something because your DS just started reception and relies on you. You need to stop this - let your DH manage DS even if he does get upset. You're making a rod for your own back here. Your DS will learn to manage without you as much.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 23/09/2025 09:38

I couldn't be doing with this. He needs to cop on or fuck off.

rainbowstardrops · 23/09/2025 10:43

Bloody hell, you shouted at him and he’s treating you like you’re not worthy of him? Fuck that. He needs to bloody grow up.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 23/09/2025 13:32

I think the crux of what you've said is two-fold

  1. you don't communicate well and
  2. he needs to do the chores to a reasonable standard, off his own bat.

OP I can't tell you how damaging it is to live with this silence for both you, and for your children. Really.

Baggyit · 23/09/2025 13:38

I think what you can definitely take from his behaviour is that he believes the children are 100% your responsibility and he will do exactly as he pleases.

GoldDuster · 23/09/2025 13:43

He's trying to "teach you a lesson". What you do with this is up to you, but how you react to this will inform how he behaves in future. As he's opted out of the relationship and family by refusing to speak or involve himself, I'd plan to make this a permanent measure and speak to a solicitor to find out where you stand should he decide his silence is an ongoing thing.

Upanddpwnislife25 · 23/09/2025 13:47

Gingernessy · 22/09/2025 19:10

Bit it wasn't a one off and apologising fior being abusive isn't usually accepted on Mumsnet

Show quote history

Is she really abusive because she's shouted at him a few times? Really?

She's juggling an entire household on her own, 2 small children, on maternity leave and she's got an arsehole partner on top who doesn't help without her asking and who then gives her the silent treatment for days on end.

She isn't abusive at all. She's reacting to an abusive situation where she is being abused. She might aswell be a slave at this point really hadn't she

Calling her abusive is ridiculous. She will be absolutely exhausted and has no support from the other adult/parent living inside her house.

Original poster
Potatohead2 · 23/09/2025 16:58

Just an update, I sent him a long message yesterday, mentioning all the things suggested here, asked him to look up on silent treatment, and what he wants going forward, and this is my last attempt at trying to make things work between us.

he sat down and spoke to me this morning (but still didn’t wake up early to help with getting ds to school). At the beginning, he said he thinks this lifestyle suits him and he thinks we should do our own things. He said he didn’t know that silent treatment is abusive, but he thinks that our relationship is gone anyway, all we talk about is the children and things that need doing in the house etc. there’s nothing between us now. I know what he said is not wrong, but I really feel broken inside. Then I said ok, but as we are still living under the same roof, he needs to share the houseworks and childcare with me. He then said he will look for somewhere to move out. I was trying really hard not to burst into tears.

I then said ok, from now until he moves out, we need to have a timetable on who do what, and we should play with the children together, not just me or him playing with them.

i then asked again if he is 100% sure that this is what he wants or he’s testing boundaries and asked if he has thought through everything carefully because these are the difficult years when we just had a baby, and it won’t be like this forever. After that we decided that ok let’s try again and sort of be back to normal. However he did say he was very happy in the last few days when he got to do whatever he wants without me bothering all the time. so I said I think that’s very selfish of him and he should get on with creating a timetable for both of us for now.

anyway, I don’t know how long this will last, but we are now talking and playing with the children together. I’m not feeling 100% comfortable but i think this is the best I can do at the moment for all of us. And I will see if this housework timetable will work for us, just dont know how long it will take him to get this done.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 23/09/2025 17:04

he did say he was very happy in the last few days when he got to do whatever he wants without me bothering all the time

No shit, dad of the year. I honestly think that some men think that they choose a wife they like the look of, wheel her into the scene and off she goes, wifeing, and birthing and raising and caring, while any input requested of them is bothersome.

Waste of space, call his bluff.