Cold war with DH - what to do?

[Potatohead2]

It's been 3 days since it started. My DH did something really silly and I snapped and yelled at him. I think I did overreact and it made him very angry but I just couldn’t hold it at that moment.

He said I always complained and got angry at him and it’s better that he stops talking to me.

Later that day after I picked up my son and saw him outside the house, I said to him I’m sorry for shouting. He ignored me.

We have 2 children, 4yo son and 10mo daughter. My life right now is all around them. I’m breastfeeding and cosleeping with the children. And DH and I haven’t had much intimacy since the baby was born and I feel this could be something contributing to this cold war too.

we’ve been married for 9 years and it’s never been like this. Usually we would make up after a fight quite quickly. This time, after my first attempt at saying sorry, I tried to engage again a few times but received the same response. I’m just fed up and find that we both try to avoid each other now.

so now I’m thinking what a point of trying? During the last 3 days while I’m busy with the children, DH gets to stay up late playing his game, waking up late (no helping with getting DS ready for school in the morning, etc…), playing with the children sometimes while I’m busy doing something. No help with chores. Usually he would help, if I ask. I think now if I ask he probably would do it but I don’t want to ask anymore. ive told him so many times that I’m tired of asking for help. Why can’t he just do things around the house without me asking?

by the way, the silly thing he did that made me snapped was also a household chore that I asked him to do, he did it but it was like creating more work for me to do after.

im just fed up. I don’t know what to do. I’m annoyed of having to do everything with the children while he gets to do what he wants. I know I was wrong for shouting at him but the way he’s behaving right now annoys me so much that I couldn’t bring myself to ask him to have a talk or apologise again.

what should I do? I thought of separation but it breaks my heart thinking about the effects it may have on our children.

I’d probably start getting your ducks in a row as it doesn’t sound like it’s a very solid marriage and he has clearly expressed how unhappy he is. Your 5yr old really should not be aware that you’ve fallen out and it’s pretty horrible that he did and is trying to get you doing something together and holding hands. That took me back to 5yr old me. It’s never ok to involve children in arguments and no matter what goes on between you both, you should act normal around your son. Poor kid.

@ThatBlackCat "These women like his mother have a lot to answer for! It makes me mad what you and other women similar to you go through."

Well, the father, and now the son, choose to behave like shits, right?

Really this should read:

"These men like his father and now his son have a lot to answer for! It makes me mad what you and other women similar to you go through."

Please get counselling once you’re back at work. Can you go back to work earlier? From what you say are your statements and his responses, you could probably build a relationship that may last. And you perhaps need a third person to counsel you both towards that.

You communications appears to be parent child style which is not be working for him. He is trying to assert himself but that’s not a comfortable position for him so he is only experimenting with it. Look up communication styles, you both need to move to adult styles especially at time of conflict.

Also, another thing is, he’s not helping you with the chores, or helping you with the children. He’s parenting, and doing his fair share. It’s definitely worth reframing your language.

My late husband was like this all through our marriage. The silent treatment could go on for a week or so and then he'd suddenly switch back and start talking as though nothing had happened. I refused to engage with him when he was like this. When he couldn't get a reaction he'd do other things to annoy me, such as put a chain around the steering wheel on my car to prevent me being able to go out, or hide the car keys. You're right that they don't change. I have two DDs and as soon as they became teens he began picking on them and would order them about to do the chores he wouldn't do himself. He never once reflected on his behaviour until I walked out with DDs and left him.

So what he's really said is he wants to do what he does and not bother with family life, he's happy for you to do everything and him to check out and have an easy time.

he sounds very selfish.

I think i would tell him i'm going away for a week to give myself space and let him cope on his own for that week.

When you have kids you have a responsibility to them if nothing else. Seems like he thinks he doesn't.

When it comes to finances start getting your ducks in a row. I hope you have a little fund set aside that he doesn't know about - if you don't you need to start one.

At the very least get psperwork together regarding regarding gifts for deposits together from your parents.
Do it while you can.

It's called reactive abuse & it's really not the same as "typical" abuse

"Reactive abuse is an in-the-moment reaction to mistreatment from another person. When a victim reacts, the abuser uses this reaction to impart further abuse in the form of blame-shifting. The abuser will transform into a victim themselves in an attempt to make the victim view the situation in a different way, and believe a different reality from the one that’s actually being lived. In this way, reactive abuse is often seen as a form of gaslighting, which is the emotional manipulation of a victim"

Potatohead2 I hope you are ok