Cold war with DH - what to do?

[Potatohead2]

It's been 3 days since it started. My DH did something really silly and I snapped and yelled at him. I think I did overreact and it made him very angry but I just couldn’t hold it at that moment.

He said I always complained and got angry at him and it’s better that he stops talking to me.

Later that day after I picked up my son and saw him outside the house, I said to him I’m sorry for shouting. He ignored me.

We have 2 children, 4yo son and 10mo daughter. My life right now is all around them. I’m breastfeeding and cosleeping with the children. And DH and I haven’t had much intimacy since the baby was born and I feel this could be something contributing to this cold war too.

we’ve been married for 9 years and it’s never been like this. Usually we would make up after a fight quite quickly. This time, after my first attempt at saying sorry, I tried to engage again a few times but received the same response. I’m just fed up and find that we both try to avoid each other now.

so now I’m thinking what a point of trying? During the last 3 days while I’m busy with the children, DH gets to stay up late playing his game, waking up late (no helping with getting DS ready for school in the morning, etc…), playing with the children sometimes while I’m busy doing something. No help with chores. Usually he would help, if I ask. I think now if I ask he probably would do it but I don’t want to ask anymore. ive told him so many times that I’m tired of asking for help. Why can’t he just do things around the house without me asking?

by the way, the silly thing he did that made me snapped was also a household chore that I asked him to do, he did it but it was like creating more work for me to do after.

im just fed up. I don’t know what to do. I’m annoyed of having to do everything with the children while he gets to do what he wants. I know I was wrong for shouting at him but the way he’s behaving right now annoys me so much that I couldn’t bring myself to ask him to have a talk or apologise again.

what should I do? I thought of separation but it breaks my heart thinking about the effects it may have on our children.

‘these are the difficult years when we just had a baby, and it won’t be like this forever’

This is key I think and I’m glad you said this.

Dh and I had a couple of ‘RIGHT ITS OVER’ arguments, after which we just moved on and carried on being together. Hope it’s the same for you.

He does sound as if he needs to grow up a bit.

OP, please seek support from family.
I wouldn't trust him.
He is extremely selfish and would like to opt out of family life.
I'm so sorry.
You need to reach out for support from family and friends.

Be careful. You have accepted his terms. He has tested how badly he can treat you and what you will accept. He has laid out his boundaries. Now you will be conscious of "nagging" him, so you will stop doing it in order to keep the peace. Fast forward a couple of years and you're doing everything and don't dare to "nag" him. Hey presto, he has what he wanted.
I'd move on if I were you. He's not going to change.
He'll always be able to quote the "you're nagging me again" any time he wants to live a single life.

God my pride simply would not allow me to accept this. I would really struggle to let that go.

Like I can feel my blood pressure rising reading your last post

Having a hard life doesn't mean you get a free pass.
Abuse is abuse you can't pick and chose when its applied.

Devastating op, honestly blew me away your last update,

He's enjoyed the last few days has he now, that alone would of done it for me, sorry op but what a shit

Glad it’s not just me

🤯🤯🤯

I wouldn’t be able to look at him again after that, never mind sleep in a bed with him

Well now you know exactly what he thinks of your relationship and how little respect that he has for your family. Even if he comes back in a few days and says that he didn't mean it, how can you ever truly trust him again with your self esteem, respect and heart? There really isn't a way to come back from this is there? He has broken it - not you. In your shoes I'd be telling him to go now and sending him back to mummy. Are you due to return to work soon?

You're in shock (I would be) but you need to start making plans and getting ducks in a row. Make copies of paperwork, financial stuff etc. Get your & DC's passports, birth certs, marriage cert etc and give them to someone you trust along with any copies of documents that you make. Do a CMS calculation and go on Turn 2 Us for a benefits calculation. If you have a mortgage then he is liable for 50% of the mortgage payments on top of child maintenance money.
I hope that you're ok x

Right. He’s saying in essence don’t ask me to do any jobs or criticise me if I do a half assed job because I might leave you. So shutting up OP from asking him to do stuff. What a manipulative little turd.

"he did it but it was like creating more work for me to do after."

said all women lol , this is why we just leave you to get on with it

Manipulative little turd he indeed is. His dad is of a similar nature no doubt with his wife running around after him.

Call his bluff and get all your financial documents together with a view to starting divorce proceedings. Seek legal advice on the quiet, knowledge is power.

His silent treatment of you was and remains abusive and was done by him to punish you for some transgression you committed in his head. It will not do your kids any favours either for you to remain with their dad
in this relationship now because he will
and is showing you how little he thinks of you as their mother. This will in turn send the kids mixed messages.

Why would you ever give a random person offline your personal number. please do not

Start gathering paperwork OP.
This marriage is over.

Could of wrote this many, many times. I think he sounds like a child and in this case, treat him like it. Get super independent, tell him if he wants to give you the silent treatment then he can live beautifully in silence in his own gaff with 50/50 child split time. As children grow up and witness these patterns that emerge, they become sponges, walking on egg shells and before you know it you have a teenager who starts to replicate the exact behaviours when they experience conflict or want to punish you, it's full circle and it happens fast.

However he did say he was very happy in the last few days when he got to do whatever he wants without me bothering all the time.

Right. And he thinks you were going to believe that?
He basically stepped out of any involvement with the dcs and did as he pleased. So yes I’m sure it was nice. Esp as he could also see you running ragged instead 🙄🙄

He said he didn’t know that silent treatment is abusive,
Read ‘I really loved not to be held accountable for my behaviour and being controlling towards you. But I don’t like being told I was abusive so I’m going to say I didn’t know/ignore/not my fault I swear that my behaviour was more than shitty, even I knew it’

he should get on with creating a timetable for both of us for now.
Honestly, I wouldn’t hold my breath thete. Be prepared for him to not do it, take ages and not help at all during that time or to only include the most obvious/easier tasks, leaving you with the mental load etc…..
i think you should have a deadline in your head, tell him it needs to be in place by x time (because otherwise nothing has changed right?) and prepare a sheet yourself. Not the least so you are not blindsided when he presents you with his efforts.

I have to say I WOULD remind him that divorce = 50/50 split and him dealing with the dcs on his own.
So not as much of ‘great time doing things in his own’ as he has had in the last 3 days. But getting up early with the dcs, doing the school run, dealing with 2 dcs at bedtime.

Fathers seem to think they can walk away and have a single lifestyle again wo a ‘nagging wife’ that’s just trying to make then act like fathers. A reminder they’ll still have to be a parent isn’t a bad idea.

Sadly though many men do walk away from being a parent and live the single life again. Nobody can force them to see their children, let alone look after them 50% of the time.

Wait… why do you want to stay with him? He was happy doing his own thing, having nothing to do with family life, nothing to do with you, no responsibility. He just sounds shit. Sorry, but he does.

He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t want the kids. He wants a single man’s life. Why are you desperately trying to make it work? You’re going to be doing everything to make him feel as happy as possible just to keep him. Why?

Get out. Don’t leave the decision to him. You take the decision. End it.

Same

Hi everyone. I’m overwhelmed with the continuous support you all have given in the last few days and I’m really thankful for that.

I’ve also asked myself so many times why I’m still in this relationship. I guess that I’m still not ready and confident enough to be a single mum for 2 young children and I think he knows that. I asked him today that if he thinks it’s fair when he still has so much more freedom than me, he went to work and ate whatever he wanted outside while I’m always at home stuck with baby, he could walk away living his single life while there’s no way I would be able to do that. And he said yes, he knows, because I’m the mum. I didn’t want to get into any arguments at that point so I stopped and said he needs to think about what he just said because he’s also a dad and should share that responsibility with me too.

i know this makes him sound like a horrible person to be with. But to be honest, whenever I see him playing with DC, DC are so happy around him. Also before we had children, there was a period when I injured my knees and literally couldn’t do anything myself for months and he looked after me, did everything in the house and got me through that. He’s not a toxic person. I have to admit he’s lazy and if he can get away with doing nothing, he would definitely do that. He’s the middle child in a family of 5 children, while I’m the oldest sister in a family, we clearly have different attitudes towards life.

we also share our money. His take home pay is probably 2/3 mine when I work full time, but he gives me his money (as much as possible) when I ask for and hardly query what I did with the money. Obviously he knows I can’t really do anything with it anyway because right now we are just using our savings to get through these last few weeks of my Mat leave but the fact that he didn’t control me financially is still a plus point right? Apart from vaping and eating so much junk foods, he hardly drinks or goes out and spends a lot of money.

if we separate now, there are too many things I need to deal with and im really do not have the headspace for that. I’ve seen some advice on looking at child maintenance etc above and I would definitely do that just in case things go downhill again. We have a mortgage, with the deposit mainly from me, and a large sum as a gift from my parents, but on the deeds we own 50/50 of the house. I know I was probably naive to think that we would never separate at the time of buying the house, and if we did, he wouldn’t be greedy to take what wasn’t his from the beginning, but I really don’t want to start this conversation with him now.

i know many men just walk away from their marriage, no child maintenance, no childcare support, or men who earn a lot but being really stingy to their wives. I really think he’s not the worst to be with. I will have to see if this housework sharing plan will work and make things better for us first before making any harsh decision that would affect all of us forever. As someone has said above that we shouldn’t make any big decision within the first year of having a baby. I really hope we can grow together and get through this stage. Of course I wont back down on asking him to do a fair share of housework and childcare but I will try to communicate more effectively with him and see if things will improve.

I’m confused as to why you woke your DH to take your DS to school. This is not a job that requires both parents. You should have told your DS no and taken him yourself.
Also as to why you have told your DS that you and your DH aren’t friends. Keep your DS out of it.
Everything you’re saying sounds like you’re the manager and your DH is the employee. Or you’re the parent and DH is the child.
What a shitty dynamic.

If you want him to help out he needs to want to. You have to be someone he wants to help. At the moment he doesn’t like you. Of course he’s not helping.
Leave or if you want to save your marriage. Stop telling him what to do. Stop waking him up, stop asking him to do things. It’s not fair, and you will do the brunt of the chores, but in reality you’re doing them now anyway.

So that's it. He doesn't want to even fight for your marriage then. It does concern me though, as I mentioned earlier, about the sleeping separately, especially for a relatively new and short marriage. At least 4 years out of only being married for 9 years and you were sleeping in separate rooms alreaddy. Anyone can see that would be a recipe for disaster with a relatively young marriage. That was the beginning of the end I think.
He knew when you were injured it was only temporary that he'd have to do it. That's why he didn't mind helping then. But he never, ever had any intention of being different from his father. That's obvious. He was raised by his mother to think housework and parenting is a 'womans lot'. Sadly the signs were there from the start. These women like his mother have a lot to answer for! It makes me mad what you and other women similar to you go through.

Sounds like he might be starting down a very unhealthy route of using divorce threats to try to control you. Mine did this for years, very upsetting/head spinning type stuff, I’d always be the one saying no no stay, the children, we’re a good team etc but it just continued, for stupid reasons as well. Now we’re splitting up he’s all, I never meant it, I was just upset. But it’s too late, he’s pushed me away for too long so he’s broken me and broken our family and broken himself. Your DH needs to pull his weight as a dad and a husband else he’ll end up the same with kids who dote on me and depend on me but less so him, and all he’ll have left is his games and his job.