What is this? Heartbroken

[IfIHadAHeart]

I’ve been in a relationship for about four years. We don’t live together as are both divorced and have kids at home. He has supported me through some really difficult times, we get on well, I trust him. There seemed to be mutual respect and it’s the first relationship where I’ve ever truly felt I was understood.

We met through work. We don’t work for the same employer or even the same industry really, but cross paths now and again which is how we first got talking. He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too. I have recently been working towards promotion, and have now applied for a six month post within my organisation but in a different area. It doesn’t involve moving or anything like that, just a longer commute. I submitted the application yesterday, having discussed it with him beforehand. He hadn’t seemed that supportive, which surprised me. However yesterday once I told him I’d applied, shit hit the fan.

He told me I’m weak, not management material, no one will ever respect me. That I’d be back in a few weeks with my tail between my legs having fucked up. He said the only way I’ll get the job is if I sleep with my potential new manager first, then accused me of sleeping with various colleagues and suggested he needs an STI test. I refused to engage with it, so he got nastier. He basically brought up any doubt or insecurity I’ve ever shared with him, said a whole host of incredibly hurtful things and then had the cheek to end the relationship saying good riddance, he’s better off without me and is running for the hills.

I know it will sound unbelievable when I say this but this side of him has come out of nowhere. There have been no signs before of any nasty streak, to be honest he treats me like a bit of a princess really with so much care and love.

Needless to say, the things he’s said were so hurtful that the relationship is over as there were things I will never be able to forgive. But I am absolutely heartbroken. I can’t understand his behaviour at all and I don’t know how I can ever move on from this. I genuinely believed he was the other half that made me whole.

Any ideas as to what’s caused this change?

That was my first thought.

Firstly OP I am sorry you have been treated like this.How dare he ! Hes feeling threatened Im afraid.He is not worth your time .Concentrate on your new post and lean on your friends .Many men are all smiles when things are going to plan .True colours as soon as something they dont like happens

I wish I could go away for a couple of days, I’m picturing a cosy little cabin somewhere with no phone signal, just me and the dog.

Unfortunately I’ve got my kids this weekend (not unfortunate that they are here, just unfortunate that I can’t sneak off!) and have also agreed to help my parents empty their loft. Hopefully there will be a glass of wine or two involved at least.

We’d only come back from a short walking break the day before this happened. It was perfect, which just makes this harder really. I have genuinely been nothing but happy with him. I know I have to let go of that, but it’s so hard.

He sent me a message today saying he needs some space and was sorry if anything he said yesterday upset me.

What does he mean, "if"? He knows perfectly well that everything he said was designed to upset you. What a complete non-apology.

I'm glad you've decided to bin him, it sounds absolutely the right decision. He would only have held you back if he had stayed.

You are absolutely right not to respond to him at all. Don’t give him the satisfaction. It will be far more annoying to the swine for you to just cut him off, because he’s trying to make it all about poor him with his ridiculous "needing space" comment,

I think you’re probably right that it’s all about his feelings of inferiority and unhappiness at the thought of you progressing in your career. But that doesn’t mean you have to pander to his insecurities, when he's shown them in such a dreadfully unpleasant way.

Keep your dignity, be glad you discovered this nasty side to him when you did, and move on with your life. Good luck!

That was his true self coming out. He’s just managed to hide it until now.

I am so sorry OP. There is absolutely NO excuse for that kind of verbal abuse. It is totally unacceptable and destroys trust. There is nothing he can say that could excuse his behaviour.

All the possible reasons are not excuses. It might be helpful to you to figure out what is wrong with him and why, but he is a grown man and should be responsible for managing his own regulation.

We all have capacity to lose our temper and say hurtful things. But what he said is demeaning, belittling and sabotaging. Had he come back to you with an ‘Oh my god, I am so unbelievably sorry. I absolutely shouldn’t have said those things. Are you OK?’ then may be I would see a spark of hope.

I know lots of people use the word ‘narcissist’ like salt and pepper these days. But his reaction is giving me those vibes.

He couldn’t cope with you moving up. May be it was insecurity about losing you. May be it was insecurity about his own worth. Either way his approach to those feelings of fear and shame was to try and create them in you.

Covert or communal narcissistic personality style might fit for him. May be because you have not moved in together he has managed to keep in love bombing mode for longer and the mask hasn’t slipped.

What is his reaction if you have had to criticise him or ask him to be accountable before? Does he take accountability? Does he show self awareness and grow?

For now, keep your distance while you step back and take a good look. Do your best police work - calm, analytical, not pushed around by your emotions.

Do your research. May be take a look at the Lundy Bancroft book ‘Why does he do that?’ (Especially ‘Mr Sensitive Abuser’) And watch some of Dr Ramani’s videos on covert or communal narcissist style and see if it fits. It took me 15 years to realise that’s what I was dealing with.

I might be over identifying with your experience but as a police officer you will be great at seeing it analytically.

Most important don’t give his words room in your head. It is precisely because you will be a great manager (better than him) that he has said those things. They are not true. They are him weaponising your insecurities to win or defend himself against an imagined threat.

If you weren’t management material he’d have had no reason to suggest it. He’d know you’d fail. His fear of your success drove him to say those things.

Do your best with the interview prep, do your best with the interview, let the panel decide, do your best at the job if you get it and do your best to heal from this abuse (building trust and then abusing it in that way is abuse in my book. It’s emotional abuse).

This experience will make you better at your job ultimately because you know how manipulative some people are and when you are faced with someone who has been gaslit like this you’ll know how that feels.

GOOD LUCK. Go for it!! It’s because you CAN that he said you CANT.

Oh OP how very disappointing. He has feet of clay. As pp have noted THIS is the real him. While he felt in control all was dandy...how dare you get out of your box. He is a nasty, insecure, unattractive loser. Don't look back or be persuaded by weasel words that are definitely coming. And bloody well done on the job! How exciting for you. 💐

Don’t be tempted to go back to him OP. This may have been the first outburst but it won’t be the last if he sees you’re the ‘forgiving’ type. Prove him wrong with his assertion that you are weak and never go back!

I've only read the Op's posts so it has probably been said-the whys don't matter.

The end result is the same.

He has shown himself to be nasty & not worthy of you.

The "princess" stuff does sound a bit as if he was trying to make you depend on him & he was seeing you a silly, forgetful thing!

100% agree with you and also narcasistic rage, unfortunately he felt this way about you all along he just kept it hidden , the wolf took his coat off and showed you who he is,

What everyone else said, really. He felt that he would lose control over you, panicked that you would see you're too good for him, and decided to try to put you in your place.

What a nasty, insecure, manipulative little man he turned out to be.

Honestly, I would just never speak to him again. It doesn't matter what his reasons or motivations were - what possible reason could he have that would make you feel any better about it, anyway? His tactics backfired on him, because he would have been expecting you to cower and beg for him not to leave you, and he would graciously agree to continue the relationship once you withdrew your application and submitted to whatever other demands he had.

I wouldn't even block him. I would just never respond to any message from him ever again. If he turns up at your house, don't answer the door. Ring the police if he persists. I would never ever give him the time of day ever again.

NRTFT but he needs space because you’ve applied for a new job? That’s crazy….. 😣

Pure and simple jealousy. He was supportive when you were doing well as long as it wasn’t better than him. He’s shown his true colours which is a spiteful cunt.

He feels he’s lost the control in your relationship if you think about it he’s very insecure he helped to support you so in his eyes if you move up to better yourself he will be jealous you will be moving away from him , he’s a manchild showing his true colours throw him back you are worth more good luck

It doesn’t really matter why he did it, the relationship can’t progress anymore. The next time you face any difficulties, he won’t be a safe place to confide in. You won’t be able to trust him not to throw it back in your face. You won’t be able to ask him for advice in your new role because you know he thinks you are not capable. You know he won’t support your career ambitions, be proud of your achievements, it’s dead in the water. I’m sorry, OP.

Well I don't know what kind of a reaction he expects from that unbelievably rude outburst.

I would permanently cut ties with him both personally and professionally. He's a vile sexist pig and sounds absolutely unhinged.

I had this with an ex. It was all about his insecurities and me moving out of his sphere of influence. I stupidly forgave the nastiness and limped on with the relationship for another couple of years. Which was a waste of time as it was clearly doomed.

No - it's not any of this. He's just shown you he's a narcissist and wants to control you and you be the weaker one. It takes years sometimes to show .. you are better off without him and you will THRIVe if you get the new role ! I'd be fuming he thinks so little of you - he is a controlling narcissist and read up on it so you see the signs. Be strong- you clearly are and wish you well

Whatever the reason, have nothing more to do with him! Lucky escape!

He wants you to stay in your box

What a pig

I once had an ex who went to my mum to try to get her to talk me out of becoming a teacher (which I’d always wanted to do) because I was too weak and wouldn’t cope with it. She told him off and let me know what he’d tried to do. The relationship was already on its last legs at that point and it didn’t make it much further, thank goodness.

I went ahead and 12 years of teaching later I’m now a member of the SLT. Weak eh? Shows you what these insecure little boys know.

Good luck OP, you go and smash this career.

Not living together has allowed him to hide this side of his character for so long. The absolute gall of apologising "IF" he upset you when amongst other things, he accused you of having sex with your colleagues and suggesting he needed to take an STI test. You have had a very lucky escape.

Absolutely this.

I would say he has someone else my hb was like this when he was cheating bearing in mind i didn't work or go out much if i went shopping and was to long i was chatting some one up if i went out with a group of friends who he knew and there partners he used to phone me all the time i was out asking where i was and who i was with