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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this? Heartbroken

350 replies

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 19:12

I’ve been in a relationship for about four years. We don’t live together as are both divorced and have kids at home. He has supported me through some really difficult times, we get on well, I trust him. There seemed to be mutual respect and it’s the first relationship where I’ve ever truly felt I was understood.

We met through work. We don’t work for the same employer or even the same industry really, but cross paths now and again which is how we first got talking. He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too. I have recently been working towards promotion, and have now applied for a six month post within my organisation but in a different area. It doesn’t involve moving or anything like that, just a longer commute. I submitted the application yesterday, having discussed it with him beforehand. He hadn’t seemed that supportive, which surprised me. However yesterday once I told him I’d applied, shit hit the fan.

He told me I’m weak, not management material, no one will ever respect me. That I’d be back in a few weeks with my tail between my legs having fucked up. He said the only way I’ll get the job is if I sleep with my potential new manager first, then accused me of sleeping with various colleagues and suggested he needs an STI test. I refused to engage with it, so he got nastier. He basically brought up any doubt or insecurity I’ve ever shared with him, said a whole host of incredibly hurtful things and then had the cheek to end the relationship saying good riddance, he’s better off without me and is running for the hills.

I know it will sound unbelievable when I say this but this side of him has come out of nowhere. There have been no signs before of any nasty streak, to be honest he treats me like a bit of a princess really with so much care and love.

Needless to say, the things he’s said were so hurtful that the relationship is over as there were things I will never be able to forgive. But I am absolutely heartbroken. I can’t understand his behaviour at all and I don’t know how I can ever move on from this. I genuinely believed he was the other half that made me whole.

Any ideas as to what’s caused this change?

OP posts:
TheAutumnalCrow · 20/09/2025 04:45

youlied · 20/09/2025 00:12

From my own experience, unhinged behaviour is usually caused by third party involvement.
when my ExH began his affair he would shout and scream over the slightest thing and turned every insecurity back on me. He also called me thick and stupid despite me being a graduate in a successful career.

This is spot on, and certainly my experience too. (Sadly.)

k1233 · 20/09/2025 04:52

@IfIHadAHeart He sent me a message today saying he needs some space and was sorry if anything he said yesterday upset me. So not a real apology if that makes sense. I haven’t replied.

He's sorry if any of the hurtful things he said upset you? The fucking cheek. I'd be responding that the vitriolic tirade he subjected you to would upset any normal person. His inability to understand that and his non apology has reinforced your decision to end the relationship.

Original poster
IfIHadAHeart · 20/09/2025 05:48

There have been some interesting points raised and a couple of things that have made me think.

I am more intelligent than him. Not in an arrogant way - I’m more academic, degree etc. whereas he’s more practical/hands on. I suppose it has been mentioned a few times, him saying he’s not very clever, but I always saw it as us bringing different skills that complimented each others and told him as much. He has a very successful career and I always admired his determination to be successful despite any struggles he’s had in life. Perhaps he’s more insecure about this than I realised.

I really don’t think he’s met someone else, although I know some of you may think I’m being naive! I think it is the fear of change, and the possibility of me moving out of his sphere. While I don’t think he’s ever used my colleagues to actively keep tabs on me (though I could be wrong) he had that reassurance in his mind that information could get back to him whereas if I move roles that won’t happen.

I won’t be taking him back if he asks. My mind seems to have made itself up on that, as normally with any conflict in my life I rush to smooth things over and get back to normal, but I just have no desire to do so with this. I’m just so so sad and hurt though.

OP posts:
Nighttimeistherightime · 20/09/2025 05:48

treesandsun · 19/09/2025 22:55

You may find with a bit of distance that there are other things that you've not noticed as being particularly relevant come to mind . His non apology is pathetic Sorry if I upset you - wtf . It was very much designed to deliberately upset you And what does he need time to think about ?He made an unprovoked attack Because you put in for a promotion. The only reply I would send is fuck you .

This bit is something that stuck out to me "He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too." since you met him via work he may have controlling tendencies that he's been able to cover up up until now Because he's always been aware of the people that you work with. The new role means he doesn't know anybody you work with and the shifting dynamic seemed to have been the trigger.

Exactly this. He wants to control who you meet up with- huge red flag!

ADailyKitchenDiscoIsNeeded · 20/09/2025 05:56

Gosh what an awful way for him to treat you, I’m so sorry.

I’ve had a glance through the thread and I agree that it is either jealousy, he’s got connections he doesn’t want uncovering or affecting or the control thing.

I would say it seems very odd that out of no where he has decided he needs an STI test and is blaming you for that though. Seems like a classic blame you and project on you for his own actions.

Please be kind to yourself and you absolutely can do this! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

ilovelamp82 · 20/09/2025 06:05

limetrees32 · 19/09/2025 19:15

He's involved with someone who you might cross paths with if you get the promotion.

Definitely this.

FamilyPhoto · 20/09/2025 06:21

limetrees32 · 19/09/2025 19:15

He's involved with someone who you might cross paths with if you get the promotion.

Bingo

Dopeydoraz · 20/09/2025 06:51

I strongly believe there is something to this story that you don’t know. He has acted out of character for some reason and you may never know why. Look after yourself

moose62 · 20/09/2025 06:51

I think your last assessment was right OP...he feels you will be moving out of his orbit and he won't know what you are up ti anymore. He obviously played on all your insecurities to sabotage you.
I think your response has been the best one so far. If he dies come crawling back, don't engage, don't respond, just move on.
Remember that if you don't get the job, and I hope you will, you might have to see him as normal.

Sally2791 · 20/09/2025 06:53

Very upsetting for you, but whatever happens please don’t let him draw you back. He’s revealed his true vile colours

MyDeftDuck · 20/09/2025 06:56

limetrees32 · 19/09/2025 19:15

He's involved with someone who you might cross paths with if you get the promotion.

This
Or, he has applied for the same post and cannot bear the competition

kerstina · 20/09/2025 06:58

Have you ever mentioned sleeping with a boss before that is the only other reason I can think of that made him flip out so much. He obviously cares about you a great deal but if he can’t be supportive and respectful of you then you are right to forget about him. Who needs friends like that !

Purplebunnies · 20/09/2025 07:13

As he said op, he thinks you are not management material and he will be embarrassed when you come back with the tail between your legs. Because he knows so many of your colleagues. This or he can’t stand you making more money and having a position of power as a woman.
I am afraid you don’t really know someone until you actually live with them. Sorry it took so long in your case to see his true colours. But it looks to me he has an image to preserve. And he was treating you right so you could tell everyone what a wonderful person he was. He is probably none of what you have seen by now.
I’d say good riddance too. I know it is shocking and heartbreaking for you, but get on, get your job and move on with your life.

Middlemarch123 · 20/09/2025 07:32

Sad and hurt is a normal response @IfIHadAHeart . This came out of the blue and naturally you’re still reeling. The sadness will pass though. You’ve done the right thing. You will be okay. Look after yourself and try to focus on the future, which could be brilliant for you. You’re naturally a people pleaser, he knows this and I think he’s banking on you taking him back. His I need space is classic behaviour of him gaslighting you. Your gut is telling you that you won’t take him back. That’s all that matters, so trust yourself. It’s over, end of. Look after yourself. I don’t think anyone else is involved either for what it’s worth. I think his awful behaviour is rooted in his insecurities. Look after yourself x

Desmodici · 20/09/2025 07:33

whimsicallyprickly · 19/09/2025 20:05

I would suggest that up until now you have been controllable. He knew what the relationship was and he felt powerful within it, because he "had you summed up and pigeon holed". I'm guessing he's a narcissist (hence the love bombing princess crap)

Now youre shifting his comfort within the relationship.

Show quote history

This. I thought exactly the same when you said he's treated you like a princess, OP. Some men play the long game with love-bombing, and don't show true colours until babies/marriage, when they feel they have you trapped. In your case, it's your new job that has him feeling a loss of control over you. Until now, you have toed an imaginary line and gavet been rewarded with 'best boyfriend': now you've overstepped and you're being punished.
Be prepared for him to try to hoover you back in with apologies, and don't listen to him. The behaviour will repeat.
Block him everywhere.
And if anyone treats you like a princess again, question their motives. Normal people don't have to 'win people over'.

AltitudeCheck · 20/09/2025 07:33

It stood out that you said He has supported me through some really difficult times. Some people really like being needed, being the hero who rescues a damsel in distress and only feel secure when they feel indispensable. It sounds like you taking this next step independent of him, not appearing to 'need' him has triggered a deep insecurity of his. It's telling that he reacted to emotionally and immediately, that suggests it was a reaction (rather than a considered response) and tried to make you feel weak in an attempt to manipulate or control you.

What was his family situation when he was a child? I'd bet there's some story there. Doesn't excuse his behaviour at all but it might explain the trigger to the sudden about turn.

PersephoneParlormaid · 20/09/2025 07:35

He’s either jealous and wants you to stay as you are (controlling) or he’s using this as an excuse to end the relationship (another woman/man). Either way, he’s not a keeper.

beAsensible1 · 20/09/2025 07:40

I assume it’s a feeling of loss of control. He has always been able to keep tabs on you and what you are up to. Now he cannot.

either way you a well rid of this sh*t stain

Americano75 · 20/09/2025 07:55

Don't even give this nasty shit the chance to ask to come back, get in there and firmly end this relationship. To coin a very well used phrase on here, he just showed you who he really is.

Pedallleur · 20/09/2025 08:02

He is jealous/insecure or someone else is on the background. This is your time. Do not let him hold you back. If he did dump you in a years time you would regret having lost the work opportunity and he won't be looking back

unsurewhattodoaboutit · 20/09/2025 08:03

It’s his true self. He had managed to mask it whilst you were in your place. Run for the hills.

mummytrex · 20/09/2025 08:18

I wonder whether if you look back on the relationship whether there is an element of control (overt, or gradually creeping in). The reason I say this is because you say that he's helped you through really difficult times as sometimes (not always) a more unscrupulous type use it as a way to ingratiate themselves/assert control. If correct, he won't want you to increase confidence and flourish as he'll want you reliant on him.

The fact he could say such nasty things to you without provocation shows he isn't decent. He was trying to obliterate your confidence and doesn't have your best interests to heart.

No decent partner does this, he should have been building you up. Even IF he thought the application is ill advised and doomed to failure, he could have gone about things in a very different way.

His reaction (to me) screams a frenzied tantrum as he feels he is losing control.

Alittlefrustrated · 20/09/2025 08:29

AnOldCynic · 19/09/2025 19:31

The bit about him treating you like a Princess raised a red flag for me. He feels threatened by you moving out of his sphere of influence as he won’t be able to keep tabs on you as much.

Given your update, I think it's 100 % this. His little princess has disobeyed her King. Run.

Lilactimes · 20/09/2025 08:55

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 19:12

I’ve been in a relationship for about four years. We don’t live together as are both divorced and have kids at home. He has supported me through some really difficult times, we get on well, I trust him. There seemed to be mutual respect and it’s the first relationship where I’ve ever truly felt I was understood.

We met through work. We don’t work for the same employer or even the same industry really, but cross paths now and again which is how we first got talking. He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too. I have recently been working towards promotion, and have now applied for a six month post within my organisation but in a different area. It doesn’t involve moving or anything like that, just a longer commute. I submitted the application yesterday, having discussed it with him beforehand. He hadn’t seemed that supportive, which surprised me. However yesterday once I told him I’d applied, shit hit the fan.

He told me I’m weak, not management material, no one will ever respect me. That I’d be back in a few weeks with my tail between my legs having fucked up. He said the only way I’ll get the job is if I sleep with my potential new manager first, then accused me of sleeping with various colleagues and suggested he needs an STI test. I refused to engage with it, so he got nastier. He basically brought up any doubt or insecurity I’ve ever shared with him, said a whole host of incredibly hurtful things and then had the cheek to end the relationship saying good riddance, he’s better off without me and is running for the hills.

I know it will sound unbelievable when I say this but this side of him has come out of nowhere. There have been no signs before of any nasty streak, to be honest he treats me like a bit of a princess really with so much care and love.

Needless to say, the things he’s said were so hurtful that the relationship is over as there were things I will never be able to forgive. But I am absolutely heartbroken. I can’t understand his behaviour at all and I don’t know how I can ever move on from this. I genuinely believed he was the other half that made me whole.

Any ideas as to what’s caused this change?

I’m sorry you’re going through this @IfIHadAHeart .

He’s not celebrated your success and achievement at an important point in your life for you, and said some unforgivable things, so you’re right to feel there’s no coming back from this. Stay firm. Underneath his niceness, he’s the sort of man who wants you in your place and can’t cope with success in someone else. That does not make for a good long term relationship a she’s never going to encourage you to fly.

It doesn’t mean it’s not incredibly difficult and a huge shock for you now. This kind of heartbreak can feel unbearable.
Can you go away somewhere for the weekend? Do something you’ve always wanted to do for yourself? Be your own best friend, treat yourself to something nice.
Do everything you can think of to give yourself a lift. Block him on your phone so you’re not waiting for messages from him.

Don’t over think the job - you would not have got the job if you weren’t capable and if your references weren’t amazing. Well done for this - try and throw yourself into it. Do some work in advance so you’re fully prepared - you sound amazing and you will be amazing in your new job. Good luck OP x

Cherryicecreamx · 20/09/2025 09:01

Some men can't handle the idea of you doing better than them. It's like they're supportive to a certain point but they want the upper hand whether that is a higher salary or job title. You going for promotion threatens his ego - you're ambitious, confident and thriving for more and he wants to put a lid on that, hence trying to bring you down and use past vulnerabilities against you. This is entirely a reflection on him.
I believe him doing all this is to get a rise out of you and for you to back down. Don't do it and good riddance to him I say. He's done you a favor in the long run!