Are you attractive, in your 30s and contantly getting dumped?

[Overthinker89]

Okay, controversial topic i know as beauty is subjective and fuck unachievable beauty standards etc etc but is anyone else out there told they are attractive, funny, have a lot ostensibly going for them and still just dating a series of men who come on strong then run for the hills after about a month or two? Either i'm totally deluded and actually have SCALES and three heads or this happens to other women too? Basically my self-esteem is on the floor despite therapy, me working hard to derive self worth from other areas, me working hard to improve it and i am finding myself asking: am i just not pretty enough. What the hell is happening? Anyone else? I am slim, athletic, long brown hair, often told i'm pretty and lots of complements on personality and other traits but BAM every man i date - dumped after a few months of dating/seeing eachother/staying together. Wth

no. But I have a friend that was, still is but way over 30. The real reason is she never stops talking. She tells you everything in minute detail, never gets to the point.

Ha! Fair enough! Yes well, i can imagine that might be taxing.. Honestly though last guy i dated was like that. Never paused for breath, borderline boring actually but redeemed himself occasionally with a legitimately funny deadpan joke and despite this i STILL dated him.. Hmmm.. Yes it could be all sorts of things i guess. Rough though. Will keep going and also keep doing work on myself as well ie being self aware, kind, socially in tune, empathetic etc etc.. I thought i ticked a lot of these boxes but still getting dumped by everyone i date.. I actually oscilate between believing people when they say i'm attractive and thinking i must be majorly falling short.. Anyway pft. Who knows just had my heart broken again and guess hearing other people's experiences helps.

What reason are they giving for finishing it

I’m married but my friend is perpetually single. She’s objectively gorgeous - she genuinely looks like Michelle Keegan. She has a great job, she’s funny, independent, all of the good things! But she generally gets ghosted after three or four dates or they just end it and say they would prefer to be friends. I don’t understand it either, but you’re definitely not the only one!

Don’t sleep with them would be my advice

Really disparate reasons, the only pattern is they seem really into me for anywhere between 1 and 3 months then end it. Reasons given: "not over ex after all, thought i was but now not ready to date." 2. "differences between us, couldnt name anything specific though and i had no idea what this may mean." 3.one blamed their avoidant attachement style 4. Actually 4 blamed that as well 5. Just didnt feel the spark. They did at first but their attraction disappeared overnight 5.they thought i was funny and kind and attractive and i didnt do anything wrong (all their words) they just didnt feel like theg should. So yep, no link ostensibly but i guess i feel rock bottom after a long line of people i get my hopes up about then they Uturn on me. I try and keep my own interests going on, i'm into cycling and running, am fortunate enough to have lots of lovely friends around me, have had decent and rewarding jobs for the nhs and charities over the years, postgrad degree, am told i'm attractive although who knows maybe people are just being kind to save my feelings?! Anyway just wondering if this has happened with you or friends.. I suppose because shared experience makes it feel less lonely and demoralising. I try and keep a thick skin and just crack on but i just feel sad of late and a bit worn down by it.

Not to get too personal, but how has the intimacy been with them? Some male friends have said if it’s not good, they’ll move on even if the woman ticks a lot of other boxes. I don’t agree with them obviously but was shocked by the admissions.

Edited to add: they’ve been in their 30s but two have started dating women 10 and 12 years older than them…

One said "best orgasm of his life." then ended it 2 days later 😂 i'm at a loss at this point. Maybe me or maybe OLD. Who knows... The horrors persist but so do I as the meme goes..

Oh! Then I don’t know. It’s def not all about physical attraction in my experience. As long as YOU stay true to only dating people you like

OLD is dire for women

Politics?

Meet people in person OP and make the men work a bit before you agree to anything.

Would you be interested in a geeky, softer soul? Try a Warhammer session or something along those lines. Or start going to your local live venue, comedy or music. Or a speed dating event?

What sort of man is YOUR ideal? forget about what you can offer them.

Do you want someone who is out active all the time? Wants a family before they are too old? Continues to learn and is academic? Or has a more physical job and wouldn't dream of sitting there having lengthy philosophical discussions would rather be on a dancefloor or chopping wood for the fire pit?

Me & H are one of the examples of opposites attract. We met early 30s and we have discussed that we both would've swiped "left" I think is no on dating apps, we hate each other on "paper" but in real life, yeah that's a different thing.

I think you need to try the tangents @Overthinker89 and know your worth.

Well you say yourself that your self esteem is through the floor and you've been having therapy, this isn't attractive I am afraid.

I do wish men would tell the truth when they dump someone though. That rubbish about 'best orgasm ever' then dumping you right after, there's no way a man would dump a pretty woman who did that to him, he'd at least come back for seconds even if it didn't last much longer.

Sorry you're having trouble, I see so often on MN that finding a man today seems to be like finding a needle in a haystack. It was so much easier when we all got wasted and chatted each other up in pubs.

Very few men your age want to settle down and get into a relationship.

What's in it for them?

It's not you OP. Men are just not interested in relationships anymore.

I have a friend whose had a lifetime of issues with men overall she should do well but she never ever relaxes and gives off an uptight vibe, I don’t care but reckon some wouldn’t like it.

Perhaps your username gives it away a bit, OP? Do you over-analyse everything? Easier said than done but perhaps you could lower your expectations a bit and just chill.

Ha! Yep i do overthink! But usually laugh at myself for it.. I think maybe i'll just crack on as i feel pretty satisfied with my life otherwise and count myself lucky in that regard. Maybe i'll give up OLD for a bit until i build self esteem up again. I am capable of long term as was with ex for 4 years (albeit thats not that long in the grand scheme of things.) have a lovely little boy from that relationship i coparent with his Dad. The men i date usually are single dads themselves although a few havent had kids but are looking to have them. In their words. Hmm. I guess the issue nay partly lie with me and partly be other aspects. I know really it's a bit of a silly post but good to feel solidarity so thanks lovely mumsnet folk. Also, i go for sort of bookish, geeky types but that said they're a real mix:some sort of advrnture types and others english teachers and counsellors etc etc some work with charities like i do. Politically left leaning like me.hmm who knows. Anyway, off to make a wee birthday cake for my little one who is 3 tomorrow ☺️

I don’t think attractiveness has much to do with it. I’m not classically attractive. I never had issues having long term relationships and met Dh at 28 and happily married nearly 2 decades now. But the people I know who struggled to have relationships into their 30s have all been a bit challenging in various ways (a bit unstable, I mean that in the kindest possible way, commitment phobic, very much did not know their type, would only date like celebrities or model types) or were very nice people who were totally attracted to people who drug them through the mud.

Men actually don’t care much about how you look. It’s much more about are you easy to get along with, not crazy, not a gold digger, nice and friendly, get along with their family, and fun/interesting with a life of your own. Looks fade, but being boring or unhinged really is forever.

Can you fish in a better pond OP? Sounds like the men you meet aren’t really seeking a long term relationship?

They stick around for a whole 2 months? Girl, that’s pretty good going 😂

You are not the only one, let me tell you. The dating scene is tough.

Have very beautiful friends in 30s who have attracted various awful men. These are genuinely gorgeous women, with good jobs. Some potential reasons we have discussed:
one is going for a particular type of man repeatedly, flashy, money, with various issues they want her to fix.
one is going for older men who start out seeming mature, end up promising the world and then end up actually wanting a fling with a pretty young woman
One has very low self esteem, which she is trying to work on but men sense this I believe (predatory men) and use her /string her on
one is finding seemingly nice men who just aren’t that nice in the end - online dating is grim nowadays is the general consensus
One has encountered lots of incel type men hiding in plain sight, who are happy to have sex and love bomb but consider her ‘past her shelf life/hitting the wall’ or whatever else bullshit

Agree with this.
I had similar on my late 20s (before OLD) when I think people are trying to find their way (and 30s is the new 20s.)
Definitely meet men RL - they are everywhere! -just be open to accepting all invitations to all kinds of events and chatting to people.

I think some men are just not interested in long term relationships. Especially if they feel they are young enough to keep endlessly dating.

I think your last post may be the reason some are scared off - you have a young child. Perhaps they realise they don’t want the responsibility of looking after a kid or having another one if they already have one but just don’t know how to say it without sounding like a dick.

@Overthinker89 It's possible that there is nothing wrong with you per se, but you are only approaching the type of man who runs away after a few months because they have some specific quality you are drawn to.

What type of men are you approaching?