Are you attractive, in your 30s and contantly getting dumped?

[Overthinker89]

Okay, controversial topic i know as beauty is subjective and fuck unachievable beauty standards etc etc but is anyone else out there told they are attractive, funny, have a lot ostensibly going for them and still just dating a series of men who come on strong then run for the hills after about a month or two? Either i'm totally deluded and actually have SCALES and three heads or this happens to other women too? Basically my self-esteem is on the floor despite therapy, me working hard to derive self worth from other areas, me working hard to improve it and i am finding myself asking: am i just not pretty enough. What the hell is happening? Anyone else? I am slim, athletic, long brown hair, often told i'm pretty and lots of complements on personality and other traits but BAM every man i date - dumped after a few months of dating/seeing eachother/staying together. Wth

I don’t think people really want honesty. It can quite often be “not great in bed, picks their nose, chews with their mouth open, doesn’t flush the toilet”.

I’ve been dumped a few times and sometimes it’s an act of self love to think really honestly about what you might be doing wrong. I joke that I can get boyfriends but can’t keep them!

Could even be the case that you have some autistic or anxious/avoidant traits that you don’t realise you are masking at the beginning that slip out after a while.

You need to find whatever happened to Guardian soul mates? Have you looked on I think ClassicFM have a dating bit on their website, you might find more of your lefter thinkers on there.

As for the mainstream OLD - god yes delete them all, that way only lies misery, we are already letting our teens know that they really shouldn't ever go down that route. But who knows by the time they are seriously looking it might all be done in VR!

With the added information of you having a 3 year old, that does change things a little, when I was early 30s I wouldn't date anyone who already had children, for a few reasons, one I was too selfish and didn't want to have to accommodate a child that wasn't "ours" at that point, I didn't want the complication of the co-parent relationship, again selfish I wanted to be the Queen Bee I guess, and third I was open to having children, not overly broody but hadn't ruled it out and wanted our firsts to be both of our firsts. First birth, first steps etc etc, I imagined it would have felt different if it was only one of our firsts, and there is the more subconscious aspect in that if a previous relationship with a child had split it didn't indicate that they would be in it for the long haul and if anything became difficult. Not saying that everyone is a fickle or as selfish as I was at 30 but just trying to give some perspective on how some people who don't yet have children possibly think.

It won't be your looks. Most women aren't incredibly beautiful but also relationships aren't built solely on how one looks. It's either they are the wrong sort of men - can't commit, don't want to commit, fear they're missing out on something better etc. Or you are putting them off somehow - you mention low self esteem? That could be it if it's coming across to them - self confidence is attractive. Or they / you simply aren't each other's type.

Have you really clicked with any of them and felt you had a lot in common? Most men won't be right for you, or you them - it's a numbers game. Especially if you're meeting online where you have little real idea what they're like before you meet.

I’m in the same boat as you but I’m in my early 50’s dated 4 different men this year. 1 for 2 months. Another one for 2 months, one for 5 months and current one 2 months. I’m beginning to think it’s me

Maybe it’s about your personality op. Had that occurred?

Just seen you have a child- that would be difficult for a lot of men, I imagine.

Sadly, I think there’s a lot of truth in this.

My daughter is OPs age, lives in Manchester and almost all of her old guy-friends from school and uni are complete players. They all do OLD but are not looking for a wife. They have a few dates with someone for fun and sex and then move on. Their focus is their job and their friends.

But if they wake up age 45 and think ‘Damn, I’d like to settle down and have kids’ they can! They can marry a 30-something year old. Women don’t have the luxury of time.

OP, in your shoes:
I’d consider getting my eggs frozen to take the pressure off that side of things.
DO NOT SLEEP WITH ANYONE for six weeks or so
Make sure you work on your self-esteem. You are not waiting to be picked, YOU are doing the picking!

Good luck x

I think the problem is your looks, but bear with me…I think the really good looking people go for other attractive people, because they can. But there’s loads of attractive women. So, for good looking men, OLD is kinda like a sweet shop, they can absolutely take their pick. They’re not so fussed about STDs, nor pregnancy, neither do they need to worry about their safety, so picking a different sweet every now and then is much more appealing for them. Unless they want children, and many men don’t, there’s not loads of value to them in a LTR.

Sometimes people.who are too focused on themselves come across as a bit desperate which is a turn off. If you were a man and was in therapy to boost your self-confidence I probably wouldn't find you immediately attractive at the start of a relationship. That's certainly not to criticise you for being in therapy at all but maybe you are picking people for whom that introspection is a turn-off.

That's the superficial side of things at the start of dating and the issue seems to.be you can't get past a few dates so that a person can get to know the real you, who presumably is lovely. So I'd just calm.down a bit and not overthink and stress about getting a boyfriend (which will scare most men off) and just go out and have fun. And then someone will just come along that sees the real you.

I should add, many men in their 30s/40s don’t want children, are so arrogant and entitled that they think they can enjoy another decade of fun, shagging lots of women and career; but assume they’ll find a woman twenty years their junior to have babies with when they get to 50. These men make me sick, but I can’t put my finger on why it upsets me so much!

Could it be the fact you have a young child op? I know you say some of them are parents too but ime the men I went out with who had children generally had them every other weekend. I found it hard to date around my dc and gave up in the end for that reason.

I feel you are over thinking this.

If the reason women are getting dumped is not because of attractiveness then the only other main reason left is because of personality.

Did you feel a real genuine spark with these guys? I suspect not. I actually suspect none of these guys were right for you but you are willing to “give it a chance” while they are not. You are coming across a bit “pick me” and need to be a bit more ruthless.
I honestly don’t know the answer. I gave far too many guys a second date when the connection was just meh but then met DH and it’s cheesy to say but “just knew”.

Your self-worth still rests on men finding you attractive and choosing to be with you. So you still have a lot of work to do.

It's supplementary, not compulsory.

You are probably setting your sights too low. I have often found unattractive and mediocre men to be choosing beggars. You would think that they would be appreciative that an attractive woman would even look at them, but funnily enough it doesn't work like that. Start raising your bar.

Hmm. I think the issue is your bar is too low. Sounds a bit like you hope someone - anyone? pretty please? - will just want to keep dating you for longer than six months.

Without messing anyone around, I'd play the game z bit more. First, start dating men who are cleverer, more successful than the recent ones. Seem keen to see them but be equally keen on your own life. Have a few unavailable nights each week, when you are doing your own thing - training for a run or studying Japanese to progress your career or whatever. Real things.

Expect and offer really good dates. Not lockdown-grade mooches around a park. Do things that interest you. Drop men who talk non stop or have other infuriating characteristics. Give the genuine impression you want and expect a good man, not that you are willing to tolerate any old rubbish. Never let them lower your bar with put downs or late dates or flakiness. Have zero tolerance for it. Then you'll be in the right mindset when a good man comes along.

Honestly, if there is a pattern of men dumping you when you think everything is going OK, there is something that you are missing. Personally I think that a lot of men, especially the better ones, have a stricter criteria for long term partners in their 30s. In their 20s, any good looking woman could make it to GF level, irrespective of their personality. By their 30s, they are more discerning and will act on certain red flags to avoid unwanted relationship situations.

Could it be possible that around this time, you relax and start displaying some unattractive personality traits. A bit too much banter. Letting real opinions slip that you toned down before. Things like that.

If this was a guy, people would be much quicker to encourage self reflection.

I think you're reading too much into it. Most people are unreliable, flaky and v fickle these days. Everyone is disposable in OLD. Just enjoy your life with your son, meet guys when it suits you and eventually you'll find someone who will want to join you.

You need to raise your bar by an effing lot
Read GL Lambert
But from a male perspective, being the nice, reasonably attractive girl in your 30s who is ready to give everyone a chance with sex included because she wants to find love but has no real standards, goals or agency makes you extremely basic (millions like you out there), easy to play and not valuable enough to keep

I was attractive in my late 20s good career, owned my house outright and had nice car and I’m a nice person. I was desperate to settle down and although I never got dumped they all just wanted to move in with me and pay towards bills whilst they financially benefited and rented out their homes and told me it’s women’s work and seem to like doing housework so that’s how it should remain. I told them I’m only living with a man who marries me. Thankfully they all thought they were too much of a catch for that, although this cycle ended when one got me pregnant the relationship ended due to his lack of commitment. I kept the child, he played lots of games but eventually disappeared during pregnancy never to be seen again.

I am now nearly 50 and can tell you men suit themselves and think of themselves first, they won’t be straight up they’ll play games. They are silly boys who like to play games so don’t be nice and make them chase, you’re under no obligation to sleep with anyone and that is my biggest regret in life having sex young and not understanding boundaries for myself and to stop people pleasing. Thankfully I never had a man move in with me despite losing count of the men who wanted to (this usually ended thing as I was then told how unreasonable I was). The suggestion that I move into their property under the same conditions usually put an end to the conversation. If I was a man I’d have far more self respect than this but believe there’s plenty of these embarrassments of men around.

Give a man nothing and make him earn your time. Men prefer it and it saves you heartbreak. Also a man needs to be paying for everything it’s what I learned the ones that pay are invested, stop the 50/50, you’re the prize, act like one. Do not destroy your youth and beauty by looking for a reason why dusty men don’t like you. They’re dusties move on but make sure they invest and honestly if its the biological clock like it was for me it’s far better being a single parent than dealing with a dusty Dad. I’m wealthier and have a far more successful child than raising him with a man child. Women need to start having far higher standards. There also needs to be far less pressure to hook up and give energy to men like this. Also you can date several men at once that’s what happened in my Mother’s generation, why’s did this end? Having sex before commitment that’s why.

I honestly wished the sexual revolution hadn’t happened and men and women were expected to commit before marriage. Thankfully my refusal to move in men did saved me a great deal of stress and heartbreak. My life with men would’ve been better if I didn’t have addicted, mentally ill and neglecting parents that would have ensured I was not in dangerous positions as a child and had sex. If I had managed to avoid sex until 18 I would’ve made better choices later on than being totally disconnected from sex which I still am. Sex is meaningless to me, men don’t get that, so it’s best to play their stupid game and watch them on their best behaviour and investing for as long as possible, if you like them.

It should be more widely publicised that once men hit 40 ish their sperm quality starts to drop and there is an increased chance of having genetic issues with the growing embryo.

I have actually met a couple of men in late 40s who didn't get round to having babies and they regret that choice? not sure it was a choice they just didn't find a partner who was right for them, one had a job which was moving around a lot, not "travelling for work" actually living 9 months here, year here, etc so that is difficult enough to have any kind of relationship, well almost impossible as he explained, and the other, yeah I can kinda see why he wasn't chose as father material, little on the bitter side.

So I think men do regret some choices but it's hard to find ones that admit it.

And I do know that there were many men who didn't want to be older dads and wanted to settle down, have kids, build a career and life together, really nice men actually, but they wanted to do it first time with a first timer. These are more in number, from my very small sample, than ones who are in their 30s and get together with someone else with a child. I do know of a couple of those, one had a children far too young, but the mum was chill and took child back to her own country and he was the ultimate disney dad, travelling once a year, but kept up with communication etc, and another got together a bit later when he was too old to start up with babies but was fine with older kids and a more side role of not even being a step-dad more "mum's boyfriend" he was great with the kids but, happily, on the sidelines.

There are many exceptions to all sweeping generalisations with all humans, humans are so all incredibly different and fascinating.

But finding a 30s ish man, more left leaning, decent, good job/career, happy to take a role of step-dad and the co-parenting relationship, happy to date working around a 3 yr old, because school will start in a couple of years, not having that unbroken time of just being together, being spontaneous, that build up of free abandon sex all over the house at all times, I don't know, it's those beginning months that set the passion into a relationship and when you are both sleep deprived with an ill, grotty baby those earlier relationship memories, the fun bits basically, kind of keep you going and together.

So I don't think all men are players, probably more so on OLD, you know you sit swiping in the evening whilst sitting on the couch with not much else to do, little effort sex, I mean really little effort, they are not the men who are going to be happy putting in the huge effort you need for a relationship with a 3 yr old to consider, on the whole as a guess. And the men who do want to put in effort have an option to start a new family of their own, I think they are more likely to at least try that first.

So yeah in your 30s with a child I think is a difficult situation to find a decent partner, it's just an odd age for a lot of people, men and women, if they haven't already found someone or who already has children.

I’m 35. Often told I’m attractive but tbh I don’t make much effort as it’s not overly important to me tbh. I also don’t date. But I will say it’s unlikely to be YOU. A lot of these men are just simply not relationship material for whatever reason. The decent age appropriate men for us who are also single are few and far between. And that’s the reality of it.

Depends on the cohort of men.

Very attractive men who can get a date every night of the week, yes. Normie men, not so much. I work in a male dominated industry I in the past few years all my similar age male colleagues (late 20s early 30s) got girlfriends and wives.

The risk of OLD is that a lot of women are chasing the top 10% most attractive men who can then easily engage in this behaviour.

Maybe don’t let them come on strong I think that is key. Your pace, your rules. Too strong probably = love bombing. It’s a game reel you in, get what they want and run. You need strong boundaries and to stick to them. Look at morals and values are they similar to yours if not it’s probably not going to work. There is many attractive single thirties hence men have options and probably are not in a hurry to settle down compared to some women.

Ooo...it's the kid. I would say definitely the kid. Or you are going for the same kind of guy?