Are you attractive, in your 30s and contantly getting dumped?

[Overthinker89]

Okay, controversial topic i know as beauty is subjective and fuck unachievable beauty standards etc etc but is anyone else out there told they are attractive, funny, have a lot ostensibly going for them and still just dating a series of men who come on strong then run for the hills after about a month or two? Either i'm totally deluded and actually have SCALES and three heads or this happens to other women too? Basically my self-esteem is on the floor despite therapy, me working hard to derive self worth from other areas, me working hard to improve it and i am finding myself asking: am i just not pretty enough. What the hell is happening? Anyone else? I am slim, athletic, long brown hair, often told i'm pretty and lots of complements on personality and other traits but BAM every man i date - dumped after a few months of dating/seeing eachother/staying together. Wth

There must be a reason. Looks don’t keep someone for the long term. There must be something about your personality that puts men off long term

This ..

This .. too desperate. You continued to date a guy you weren’t overly keen on and who was boring. Desperation reeks .. from a mile away. I had a gorgeous friend and same with her .. at the start the guys couldn’t believe their luck but it soon wore off. She met her husband in the end at work as she didn’t like him at first so wasn’t bothered so not overly keen and accommodating.

Maybe you're being too eager to please them and keep them OP, and need to be quicker to do the dumping as soon as you can tell someone isn't right for you. If you date everyone who wants to date you and are not very discriminating about what you do and don't want from a man once you start dating, you're going to end up getting dumped lots of times.

I don't think it's anything to do with looks - people make a decision about looks at the beginning of a relationship, not after a few months. The fact that you're thinking it must be to do with your looks makes me think maybe you're not very self aware about how you behave and how you come across in a relationship. And your son is very little, maybe focus on your little boy and your self esteem for now, and give dating a break until you're feeling more secure in yourself.

I think it upsets you because they’re not wrong, are they?

DH works with a few men (Aerospace industry) who are in their fifties, married to women in their 30’s and have young children.

I agree if the sex / intimacy physical
attraction isn’t there guys will move on

From your update I think it's probably because you have a small child, sorry!

There will be lots of men who think they have no objection to a woman with a kid, and all goes well initially, then it dawns on them that the kid is permanent and it won't be the life they want.

Some other theories, also along the lines of men not really knowing what they want...
In my youth I was dumped a few times for "being too quiet". Now this was baffling as the blokes would say stuff initially that they wanted a partner who didn't talk all the time and who would be calm and not argumentative etc. I was very quiet and shy (in those days, I'm not now) and a bit socially awkward. They seemed to like this at first but within a few weeks it would seem to annoy them. I think a lot of men THINK they want a meek and mild submissive partner but when it comes to staying power they want someone a bit more sparky and assertive and not afraid to express her own opinions.

My best friend from school was/is absolutely beautiful, lovely figure, sunny disposition, warm funny personality but she had terrible luck with blokes for years and years. No trouble attracting them but usually short lived. She was quite traditional in her outlook and very keen to keep the man happy and wait on him hand and foot. I think maybe a bit too keen as I got the impression some of them started to see her as a doormat rather than an equal.

Don't know really! I've been married 25 years so this is so dim and distant past!

I’d say most (maybe 70-80%) or men in their thirties doing OLD are still juts playing the field rather than searching for marriage etc. So three months in that context is pretty good. They might even tell themselves that they are looking for something serious but in reality they’re just playing the field and looking for sex. Why bother with weeks or months of flirting etc in the office, when OLD often promises a sexual relationship after (at most) three or four dinner dates?

Anyway, there are of course men on there who are looking for something more serious, but it’s basically in reverse proportion to the women (ie 80% of men are looking for fun while 80% of women are hoping for something serious).. So I’d stop assuming that any man you date is looking for something serious (ignore the profile) and stop taking them at their word that they are.

Basically start using very different apps/websites or otherwise make clear that you don’t sleep with people without getting to know them for a serious amount of time first (eg a month or two). That is probably the only reliable way to filter out the players.

… and of course they also won’t actually have to do any of the grind of raising kids either, as they’ll be high earners with well established careers. As I said above, the first rookie mistake women make with OLD is assuming that men are (like them) looking for something serious in the first place. They aren’t. It’s just a relatively stress free, time efficient way to get laid.

Nothing wrong with you but the men you are choosing. There was a phase in my early 30s when I was in a similar situation, they were all commitment phobic and I was also told I was pretty. I also had nice hair and slim body ( not anymore in my mid 40s 😂).

Many good looking women suddenly get a bit panicky in 30s because they no longer have a larger pool of men around them like in their 20s and start settling. Some times it’s because these women themselves were not very serious in 20s and now seeing their friends settling down have that pressure.

I do think that in the future people will look back at the OLD blip as a sociological experiment.
I do have friends who have met their partners a few years ago on OLD, but I do think the landscape has changed recently and reverted back to primeval polygamous times where a few alpha males attract most of the females.
Nowadays they are getting all the sex they without commitment.
Why would they commit in their 30s?
Instead of railing against their flakiness, maybe just think about biology.

I don’t mean to be rude but I think you are choosing wrong men. They all seem to be commitment phobic and losing interest the moment they feel things getting a bit serious. Of course they would give excuses.

I think the best approach is to meet people through common interest, so you can develop a friendship as well. Is there a hobby or sports you like?

Dire for most men too, as I understand it.

Just one, a little boy who has just turned 3 🙂

Honestly these men are in the absolute minority. A high-earning, successful, charismatic man may be able to attract a woman 20 years younger - look at George Clooney - but the vast majority of men do not fit this description and don’t stand a chance of attracting a much younger woman. And despite what some women think, plenty of men do settle down in their 20s and 30s, we’re just less aware of them because they’re already married - so there aren’t actually that many men who want children who wait until their 50s to have them.

Just to add, I met a man while travelling a few years ago who was 48 and desperate for children. But he had nothing to offer a younger woman. He was a photographer and Covid had just severely impacted his work, he was house sharing, he had no assets to speak of, etc. At the time he wasn’t willing to consider just being a step-parent and wanted kids of his own, not sure if he has softened on that.
I follow him on instagram and it looks like he still hasn’t been able to find a wife or have kids at 53.
This is the reality for men in their 50s. High flying alpha types who played the field in their 30s and 40s then bagged a 30 year-old wife and had kids in their 50s is in no way the norm.

I think this is surprisingly common in the dating world OP - things just tend to fizzle out after 2 or 3 months. This has been my experience as well, although admittedly I'd say I do the dumping about 90% of the time.

When I've given a guy a chance, or ignored my gut that we're not compatible, the guy has then gone on to break up with me. But I always knew deep down they weren't the one.

Are you hanging on too long, OP? Are you listening to your instincts? I'm just wondering if you are hoping too much, or trying too much, because you really want a partner. Whereas the guys are realising sooner than you that you aren't a good fit.

Don't blame yourself or be too hard on yourself though. What you've described is very much what modern dating is like. Just try to really tune into how each guy makes you feel, and whether your goals, values etc are aligned.

Im a few years of the 40 mark.
Im not ugly im not attractive im in the middle.
I do bed not dates.
Its not for everyone but it works for me.
Ive never been the one that thinks i need a relationship or want to settle down.
I am settled in life and i couldn't give that up to have some man constantly hanging around.
Ons only its quite fun.
Ive had 2 long term relationships and it was not me at all.

I think you're probably just on a bad run? I had a year of nonsense back when I was on them. Also, see once you start getting to mid 30s on the apps, a lot more men percentage wise are commitment phobic. Which makes sense, the less phobic have ended up in LTR already so you end up having to wade through these men that basically are never going to settle down.

It is difficult to say. I think when it comes to lasting relationships looks have less to do with it than you think though. I know plenty of less than conventionally attractive women who have long term partners who dote on them and beautiful women who can't hang on to a man.

Sorry to be blunt but I think your child could be a reason. It’s just one of those things that make relationships difficult

I agree.

I think you may be downplaying how much having a young child matters, since you didn’t mention that at all until several posts in. Your title could have been “why is an attractive mid-30s single mum keeps getting dumped”, but you seem to in/intentionally downplay the fact you have a child.

If you are doing the same with men (not telling them you have a child until several dates in) then that might put them off, particularly for a serious relationship or marriage.

If you attract partners easily but don't keep them, it's 100% personality.

Could be anything personality wise, none of us know you!

Or the OP’s circumstances (having a young child).

I have a friend like this. 30s, utterly beautiful and amazing figure. Also kind, not up herself at all (is seemingly unaware of how good looking she actually is), articulate, caring, financially independent, good circle of friends. I could list her plus points for days! But she also keeps getting dumped. I do not get it?
My theory is that some men like the idea of dating a really attractive woman and for a few dates, that’s fine. But, when you go out with her and every man in the room is gawping (that is absolutely what happens) it feels threatening and they feel insecure? Dunno, but these idiots are really missing out!