Are you attractive, in your 30s and contantly getting dumped?

[Overthinker89]

Okay, controversial topic i know as beauty is subjective and fuck unachievable beauty standards etc etc but is anyone else out there told they are attractive, funny, have a lot ostensibly going for them and still just dating a series of men who come on strong then run for the hills after about a month or two? Either i'm totally deluded and actually have SCALES and three heads or this happens to other women too? Basically my self-esteem is on the floor despite therapy, me working hard to derive self worth from other areas, me working hard to improve it and i am finding myself asking: am i just not pretty enough. What the hell is happening? Anyone else? I am slim, athletic, long brown hair, often told i'm pretty and lots of complements on personality and other traits but BAM every man i date - dumped after a few months of dating/seeing eachother/staying together. Wth

I think @Chiseltip @ForgetMeNotRose and similar comments have it.

Society has changed and an awful lot of men aren't fussed putting marriage and kids on the backburner until later. OLD culture is awful too.

I would (humbly!) say I'm attractive and was dumped recently in my early 30s after two years together. In my case, he'd mostly hid his deep avoidance and as soon as I tried to move the relationship to the next stage he did a runner. I stood by him while he became successful and now he's there I reckon he thinks he can find a younger woman - good luck to him.

My self esteem has had a doing over this kind of behaviour too OP. Have you spoke to your therapist about focusing on how to improve this? I know you said you'd had therapy but I must say that my therapist has helped me grow my self esteem again in a few short months.

I know of 2 women who are single and I cannot understand why.
One is 50. She is very attractive in a natural kind of way. Slim with a big chest. Dark haired, blue eyes. Nothing fake about her. Works full time, drives, owns her own home. Very agreeable and kind. I have no idea why she is single.
The other is 30 and again very attractive in a natural way. Dark haired and thin. Toned. Great job, drives, pays her way. Owns her own home. Has lots of friends. Travels a lot. Intelligent. She was dumped for a more fake looking woman. Bleached blonde hair, fake lashes, fake nails, lip fillers. A very average job.
Then I look at some people and wonder what is going through their partner’s mind. Some people are never without a partner.
Op- it’s probably not you.

Do you have children? Because early 30s is still young and the pool plenty deep to find a husband, if that’s what you want. I came out of a relationship at 34 (my most serious, the first boyfriend I ever lived with etc.) and thought it was game over. Then met DP at 35 and it’s going really well so far. Albeit we met out in the wild rather than OLD.

Well, you say you are slim and athletic. Depending on how slim and how athletic that can be an obstacle.
Men find certain waist-to-hip ratios attractive, so it is not just a question being slim.

Oh, just seen your update. The fact that you did not mention your child in your opening post is quite revealing on how clueless you are. I don't want to sound harsh but you need a reality check pronto.
The majority of single men avoid relationships with single mums because of the perception of added commitments. They sleep with you a few times and move on either to shag the next single mom or to try a relationship with a woman with no kids. It is brutal, but your experience attests to this reality.

I didn’t say it was the majority, did I? It isn’t uncommon though

I said DH worked with a few.

There do seem to be a higher than average number of men in the international aerospace industry who are financially secure, fit, good looking, charismatic and generous who have either played the field or concentrated on their career and are now ready to settle down and have their first child at 55.

Not George Clooney by any means but still a very good prospect for an attractive woman 20 - 25 years younger who knows what she wants. For such a woman not already having children is a huge advantage, like it or not.

It seems to work really well for the couples I know in this scenario (for what its worth we’re not one of them - I’m older than DH and didn’t want children).

Okay so they’re over-represented in this industry but rare in general - I think we’re in agreement.

I actually feel really sorry for middle aged men desperate for children. A woman can go down a sperm donor route to have a child biologically related to her. What option does a man have if he can’t attract a woman of child-bearing age? Of course some people will just think ‘serves them right’ for not prioritising setting down when younger, but life doesn’t always go to plan. Feels like there is no sympathy for men in this situation, of which there must be many. I know two - one’s 53 and one’s 43 (might seem young, but it’s a completely hopeless situation).

I worked with a man several years ago who would for certain never attract a woman for physical reasons.

He was quite open at work about going to Thailand every holiday as a sex tourist as ‘well I’ll never get it any other way, will I?’ and when he was about 40 he bought a bride on one of the trips. He then bought a house and they had just had their second child when I left that workplace.

@Crushed23 In those specific situations it might be hopeless but in general it’s not hopeless for men in their early 40s. They can find a younger partner, so that’s why I think there’s not the same level of sympathy.

Whether you are beatiful or not (and as you say that's subjective), relationships aren't built on looks. Chemistry isn't based on looks. I once had a 'gorgeous' bf. He had a trail of women after him. After 6 weeks of dating, I didn't fancy him anymore. His personality had put me off him. Conversely, the people I find most attractive are often not classically good looking, but they are funny and kind and interesting.

I'm not saying your personality is putting people off! Just that, even if you are objectively a 10/10 it doesn't mean everyone will want to have a longterm relationship with you. You will be just as prone to being dumped as anyone else.

Maybe you haven't yet met someone who would be a good match for you, and they've realised it before you did. How good looking you are isn't connected in any way to your likelihood of finding 'the one'.

I don't have children, no. I suppose it's true I do in some way feel he was my last chance at having a family and I should focus on other aspects of my life. I'm doing that anyway.

Your post has given me some hope - maybe I will meet someone else. Maybe not. What I find hard about a break up in 30s is I need time to recover but at the same time, it feels like there's no time because the biological clock is ticking.

I agree with these PPs. I am older, 50 now but I felt unmatchable all my 20s. Definitely attractive, intelligent etc but no one stuck. I liked very few and the ones I liked didn't want me after a few weeks. I still don't know why but I think I am just hard to match.

age 30 I met my ex, we had a good ten years together then it went south. He was in many ways nothing like I expected though. Knew from my work. The physical element was low but everything else seemed perfect.

Aged 47 met my current partner. Met accidentally out dancing. Again absolutely nothing like I had imagined - never would have chosen online. The physical element so high but initially felt like we had nothing else in common however - the longer we are together the more we find.

I just came here to say I am a big believer in real life meetings over online if you are not an easy type to match like me. I did years of online dating in my 20s and also a while in my 40s but I've only ever ended up with real life people.

I disagree. What men do on OLD sites is have fun while seeking someone who may be The One. That's opposed to women who feel that every date that doesnt end in marriage is a life failure.

"If a man is still single by his mid-late 30s, it’s either because he’s a commitmentphobe and doesn’t want to ever settle down, or there’s a very good reason why he’s never been able to convince a woman to marry him (and you don’t want to hang around to find out)."

What rubbish. He could have been working and studying. A couple of relationships might not have worked out because most do not. He could have had health or money issues. Maybe his family were going through something.

Should we assume that a single woman in her 30s is either too desperate for commitment, not good enough to settle down with or never met a man who thinks she's marriage material? Maybe she was doing a PhD or looking after relatives, or buying her own home.

The middle classes especially are getting married and having kids later and later. Yet you think every guy in his 30s who hasn't yet is some sort of exploitative bustard. Really strange perception.

I agree with the above. I met my now husband at 30, he was 33. He was a homeowner with a professional job, I had just re-located 300 miles and was doing a professional doctorate, there was nothing ‘wrong’ with either of us. Plenty of people end up single in their 30s for many reasons, it’s not reflective of some sort of defectiveness.

The OP has a young child to consider which adds complexity to straight forward dating.

It’s not 1950 😂 only the most male centered desperate types feel that way.

And/Or they see the looks and somehow do not realise that she's a real person with feelings, opinions, likes and dislikes and preferences and needs. That's what some friends have said to me when we've discussed my difficulties in relationships. In the middle-aged-lesbian bracket, I am a conquest, a trophy. It feels like I am 'blowing my own trumpet' (I never did understand that phrase)but I have friends who have said this about me, and had the issue themselves. I am actually quite upset at the moment about how used I am feeling as a result of the last woman I dated who most definitely used me for status/sex/'arm candy'. In our forties too.

I really did believe she was genuine and it has set me right back.

One friend I have whom I used to work with in the aforementioned looks-orientated jobs) who is an internationally published glamour model-she too has this issue. She's beautiful sure, but she is a complex person who requires an understanding man. Understanding men do not go for her, trophy-seeking shallow ones do. She's had a tonne of failed relationships.

OP, you are attracted to avoidants. That’s the problem. May I ask your family background? What was your father like?

There is societal change as well.

Pregnancy was a huge risk until the pill came along in the last 60’s. Men and women married young to avoid societal judgement.

Those days are long gone, as a child in the 1970’s my generation saw the last of that.

Women have far more opportunities now which I celebrate completely but people have a choice now. It’s all become very casual and people are not judged for this but it has the upshot of people not having to be serious about dating at all. DS did some OLD, I had no idea people could date more than one person at a time till the exclusive chat. That was just not acceptable at all 30 years ago.

I wonder if you're agreeing to go along with the relationship vibe too soon without doing your own groundwork? You should be evaluating the men as much as they are choosing you.

If the pattern is really that bad maybe your picker is wrong.

Obviously there are future fakers out there, but if its happened 5-10 times rather than 1-2 times I'd think you were getting caught up in emotions and overriding early warning signals.

After the first physical meet, I'd manage the pace of the dates...don't do big dates or message all the time, treat him like a new friend you don't actually fancy and don't have to "win over". Continue to meet others.

If you're meeting, give him a day and time that suits you and an activity that suits you.

Either something YOU want to do. Or something simple like a walk or a coffee. Or let him know if you've got a random small practical task like moving furniture...if he's into you he should be keen on helping. Seeing you should be enough.

Don't be rude, be nice and polite but just show up and be present.

(I don't use expensive dates out as a sign of interest, its too easy to stick a card down on a night out!).

If he refuses to meet unless he's doing X on his terms on his timeline, he probably just wants an activity buddy or dining companion or "fun".

This will eliminate a lot of men and early dates who see you as a convenience option..Let them go! The filter has worked.

The ones who stick around after 3 months would actually be into you.

I think this too (and hate to say it as I was in a similar position to you, dating with youngish kids a few years ago). I think that those without kids suddenly have the realisation that if it gets more serious then they will become part of a small humans life and that is scary for anyone. Those with their own kids probably think they have enough on their plate without another child in the mix! I suspect as your child gets older it will become easier. X

I think men that haven't had kids prefer to settle down with women that haven't had kids. Men that have had kids probably aren't looking for anything serious - 'been there, done that' is likely their outlook.

I have a friend that is recently divorced. He's loving single life and sleeping around with women he meets via OLD.

One woman wrote something like 'Isn't it strange knowing that one day we might be married with kids'. They hadn't even met in real life! He responded with a laughing emoji because he assumed she was joking. She got quite offended because she was deadly serious.

Men just don't want that kind of crazy in their lives.

Just for balance - I'm mid thirties, no kids and no desire to have kids. Never married and no desire to get married. Not in a relationship but no specific desire to turn something into The Relationship.

I'm open about this, cards on the table and all that.

The men are still flaky.

Well, why should they not be flaky if you have no interest in a proper relationship?

I don't NOT have interest in a proper relationship.

I just don't NEED that particular man that I meet on that particular day to turn into a relationship. If it does it does if it doesn't it doesn't. If it's a nice thing for a few months and we both enjoy ourselves cool. If we want more than that also cool.