Are you attractive, in your 30s and contantly getting dumped?

[Overthinker89]

Okay, controversial topic i know as beauty is subjective and fuck unachievable beauty standards etc etc but is anyone else out there told they are attractive, funny, have a lot ostensibly going for them and still just dating a series of men who come on strong then run for the hills after about a month or two? Either i'm totally deluded and actually have SCALES and three heads or this happens to other women too? Basically my self-esteem is on the floor despite therapy, me working hard to derive self worth from other areas, me working hard to improve it and i am finding myself asking: am i just not pretty enough. What the hell is happening? Anyone else? I am slim, athletic, long brown hair, often told i'm pretty and lots of complements on personality and other traits but BAM every man i date - dumped after a few months of dating/seeing eachother/staying together. Wth

Would you be interested in a geeky, softer soul? Try a Warhammer session or something along those lines. Or start going to your local live venue, comedy or music. Or a speed dating event?

Not all "geeky" men are great. I've met loads (socially and through work) who were lazy gaming losers, incels and closet misogynists, some of who turned out to be mentally and emotinally abusive towards their partners. Underneath the surface they were bitter and rotten. Just because a guy is outwardly nerdy, quieter and into Warhammer doesn't mean he's great. Ignore people who say go for a geek- ots absolutely no guarantee that they'll be any nicer than any other man.

Early forties and gay so not quite who you asked for! And while in agreement with your 'fuck beauty standards' thing but I am stereotypically attractive, youthful looking, long blonde hair, slim etc etc-I have worked in looks focused industries too, was a model and dancer-in short I know I am easy on the eye.

Just been dumped after being taken for a ride for a couple of months from a woman who thought we were the best thing ever and then all of a sudden total turnaround, constant criticism and then that was it.

Last relationship before that I was finished with so that she could pay more attention/time to her frankly shite football team*
*I know nothing about football but me being me was all happy for her and went to matches and supported-and I never once did not see them catastrophically fail. Made it almost worse.

Prior to that, had one date with a woman who 'just didn't feel it' on our first date-granted it didn't go all that well, she got drunk and cried on me about some traumatic things in the past-but it didn't put me off, just one of those things I guess, she didn't mean to get upset.

Prior to that, my own fault 100%, another long term-er who was hiding a myriad of issues from me that with hindsight I absolutely should have seen through, but she finished with me in the end to go back to drugs and being a recluse.

So yes. All the fun.

I am trying to concentrate on my career now, I am MA educated but doing a very mundane, professional but boring 'bog standard' job-but I do want a life partner, I won't pretend I don't. And career options being bleak doesn't help!

My business partner is a 'geek' and exactly as you describe! Selfish and not at all emotionally aware, his girlfriend has basically given up on trying to have a relationship with him, they share a bed and home but beyond that just do their own thing.

Happy birthday to your LO, I hope you two have fun!

I have a friend like this. Mid 30s, slim, gorgeous, good job, no DC, likes a good time.

The only thing I can think of is she's generally quite pessimistic and sees the worst in any given situation?

But she's had long term boyfriends in the past.

I on the other hand have been with the same man since I was 18 so no experience in dating in my 30s, sorry! You're not alone xx

Don't mean to be rude and can be way off the mark with this, but are you coming off as desperate? I've seen it happen. Good looking women, but long(er) term single, desperately wanting to be in a relationship. And dropped after a few weeks/dates.

They're always 'available' whenever he suggests something, never have any plans of their own (pretend not to), reply to texts/calls instantly, make massive effort with their appearance, agree with all/most of men's opinions, laugh at all their jokes, eager to please, don't show their own personality too much in case the men wouldn't like it/get scared away, agree readily with all their suggestions, etc. That sort of thing. And then they're baffled why were they dumped, as they were 'so nice' to the men.

You obviously might not be/do any of these things. But in case your are: be more of a bitch, be YOU. Some say men are simple beings, 'full belly, empty balls' - that sort of thing. But in my personal experience, no one values a bland people pleaser.

Yeah, it’s the three year old. Sorry, OP.

I’d stick with him for now, and just have fun dates.

I wouldn’t say it’s linked to your appearance, more your attachment style and pattern of relating. What vibe are you giving out? What boundaries do you have? How do you handle conflict? What attachment style do you have? Do you tend to attract men who are emotionally avoidant?

It sounds like you attract men and there’s chemistry then things fizzle out fast. It could be worth slowing things down and forming a safer, perhaps less exciting, but ultimately healthier connection. Chemistry can actually be a red flag. Feeling calm and peaceful around someone is a positive sign.

At a guess OP.........

Home, career, cycling, running, friends, slim, attractive, can cook, probably well organised since you are a single mum.

That's quite a lot for your average single dad to live up to..... But equally, you don't want someone who can't keep up.

All you can do is keep looking. It's tough

OP online dating is hard for most people and it has given men a short attention span and the idea that they can go from woman to woman without any long term commitment.

I would move to trying to meet men in real life and also maybe consider whether you need to go for different types of men as you may unconsciously always go for the confident types who basically are just after casual sex and the thrill of the "chase".

Whats putting people off is it’s probably more the fact that you have a young child rather than your age?

Age wise are you 31 or 39? As that will also affect if people are interested in building a new family with you.

After your latest update I’d say it’s most likely because you have a child. I don’t mean this rudely at all, I am also in my 30s with kids, but a single mum in her 30s is generally not attractive to a man in his 30s. With OLD men have access to a huge pool of women and unfortunately that puts us 30+ mothers at the bottom of said pool. Try dating a man in his 40s perhaps? Also, don’t sleep with men too early. You say you’re being dumped after a few dates/few months but also in one post you said you’d slept with at least one of the men - in my experience, if you’re looking for a serious relationship you should wait until you are very sure the relationship is going somewhere before sleeping with a man. Very unfeminist, I know, but the reality is that many men lose interest after sleeping with a woman, particularly when they have access to an online pool of single, childless woman. Know your value and wait for a man who knows it too!

You actually might have better luck in 15 years when your child has stoped being a dependant, and no one you are dating is hoping to have more children.

Just saw your username is 1989 - so you’re probably 35 or 36!
Roughly same age as Meghan Markle or Amal Clooney when they met their man then - so don’t despair!

I tend to agree with this. The men who want to settle down coupled up in their 20s and early 30s and are now in LTRs / engaged / married. If a man is still single by his mid-late 30s, it’s either because he’s a commitmentphobe and doesn’t want to ever settle down, or there’s a very good reason why he’s never been able to convince a woman to marry him (and you don’t want to hang around to find out).

I see you’ve got a child, OP. I think this makes things a little harder as some men do not want to get involved with a woman with a young child especially if they don’t have children themselves. That being said, I know a 46 year-old woman with a 7 year-old son who is never short of relationships with child-free men. It’s almost like her age (past child bearing) and the fact she already has a child makes her more appealing to men who don’t want children because they know she’s not going to steer the relationship in that direction. She’s also stunningly attractive and can easily pass for 30 years-old due to Asian heritage/genetics though, so who knows 😅

I'm in my 30s.
Have a 4 year old too.
Ive always been 'what I can offer' but after a disastrous abusive marriage (and a decent time to heal) I decided to change my mind frame.
What can they do for me? I dated a few men at a time. Nothing intimate.
If they put effort in and planned dates, waited patiently until I could see them (around childcare) then I'd continue.
This weeded out the ones who weren't genuine over a couple of months.
I had to pick between two in the end. And now really happy with someone for 7 months.

Try and keep yourself busy and keep reminding yourself you are enough just as who you are. Let them prove themselves.
Good luck OP! OLD sucks but use it for what you want.

I think it also depends on what you mean by attractive - Miranda Kerr for example was also a single mother with a young child when she married her billionaire younger husband.

There’s more to attraction than looks OP, so don’t focus too much on that.

I would say in most cases it will be your child. I have a child of my own, but I wouldn’t date a single dad. Blended families are HARD.

After reading this thread I’m so glad I’m married. He’s not perfect, and I definitely would have swiped left on him, but online dating sounds horrific.

Sienna Miller was a late 30s single mother when she met her 15-years-younger fiancé. I think rich and stunningly beautiful women will always be able to attract men. This thread, I assume, is more about normal life levels of physical attractiveness!

Edit: Louise Redknapp is another example. Late 40s, divorced single mother of 2, finds a hot CEO boyfriend 10 years her junior.

I agree, maybe they find it intimidating. I had one guy tell me I was too independent for him when he broke up with me after 3 months. He said he liked a strong independent woman, but also “I need to feel needed, not just wanted. You seem like you’d be fine with or without me and frankly it’s a turn off”. Brutally honest.

Fortunately my DP likes independent women who have their shit together and have hobbies.

Online dating was a real endurance challenge. I must have had 40 or 50 first dates, 5 of which made it to second date, 2 of those to 3ish months of dating and then DP.

I'd like to give an opinion if I may. I'm 51 now but never ever had difficulty meeting men for long term relationships, so I must be doing something right.

In recent years I have been following this idea that any relationship I have must be 'ten out of ten.' I got the idea from an Australian dating coach who was quite ruthless, but I liked his ideas. Basically, if you are a decent and excellent person, loving life, being good quality all round, and you are open about wanting a life partner, then you are a good catch and want someone who makes you feel amazing from the off, and who you also think is amazing, ten out of ten.

The chemistry must be there (enough to want to go further sooner), the texting and being keen on you must be there - no quibbles - after all, in your ten out of ten relationship, he thinks you are drop dead gorgeous, he saw you and knew you were 'the one for him' and he makes that super clear with no ambiguity right? If not, he is not your ten out of ten.

So I tended to like to start relationships only ever with men who ADORED me and made it super clear. I learnt young that trying to force it with a man who is not that into you is a soulless experience and one best not repeated. (Only ever go out with men who love you, don't waste your time otherwise.)

I also learned that great love does not come along often, but it does come along. For SURE. And that decent quality women took something special and made forever memories from their time SINGLE. When n unexpected single time came for me, I saw that it was good in its' own right and I felt like a good quality woman for taking that time and being me again. I recommend it.

If you are ever in a mediocre relationship missing your single life or wondering whether it would have been better - and then you break up and are single again, USE THAT TIME to the max and enjoy it, for a man WILL come along and it WILL end so do the things you want to do in this beautiful world. Be excellent and brave and bold and happy, explore and become and do the things that you personally think are great.

For me, I do like dressing up. I wear long dresses and nice fabrics, boots and tights and long maxi dresses, I do my hair and makeup and I keep myself looking nice. I had a poor quality role model for a mother so I looked at other women and decided what I'd like to become. I like keeping myself looking hot and I recommend it - colours, hair, general health. I think men like this, they certainly have commented on my dress sense, which took years to come together really.

If you are being the best you can be in life, out there doing your thing, channelling femme and woman wisdom (which men will never understand), one day someone is going to catch sight of you and think WOW. And that will be it. Don't waste time on less.

And I also have seen that men love a HOME. I had a job for a long time where I was in single mums homes a lot and every now and then I'd see a male of some sort hanging about, showing up in his car in his suit with shopping - and inside were myself preparing to leave, and the mum and maybe two little children in pyjamas, dinner on the stove, which it would be at 5 o clock, and I would watch this man come in, and just revel in 'home.' I stood back and watched that and thought about it. I believe that men DO want real love, they DO want families and homes - but only with the right woman. It is perfectly all right to be a great single mum with a lovely home and lovely life. Plenty of men settle with women with children.

But if you get an inkling that a man doesn't think you and your situation are his ten out of ten, let him fly and don't waste your time, because that's not good enough.

And the same goes for you, your life is precious, your time is precious, don't waste it on mediocrity.

My advice (after this long post!) is to brush up and get back out there, in all media, online and in real life. You don't have to go to ground. Trust in life and take this time to enjoy being single. A decent man will be along soon xx

To put it very bluntly, looking at my friends who are dating online now I think there are a lot of blokes using it who just want a shag or three and will feign interest in a relationship to get it on the first night.

One friend says a lot of them are very open about being married once they’ve had sex and she’s been called naive by more than one of them for thinking any man on OLD is looking for a relationship. Grim.

Like another PP my advice would be to try and meet people in the real world, listen as well as talk, and, crucially - when a nice chap comes along don’t sleep with him for good while. I can’t tell you how long, obviously, but make him wait.

I don’t care how old fashioned that sounds. If you’re bonded in many other ways before you sleep together it gives you a good solid foundation to go forward ‘looking in the same direction’ as my mum would have said.

It's this.

Aah, I only read the OP. No mention of a three year old there.

Two young children will make things much more complicated. (A four year old and a three year old - is that right?)

I could have written your post OP. Women have upped their game, can support themselves and have quite rightly raised the bar with expected standards. Many men just don't want to date if it means it leads to something serious.