AIBU and controlling or is my husbands behaviour inappropriate?

[tiredowl80]

I 44f have been married to my husband 44m for 8 years and we have 2 DC aged 7&4. Sorry for the long post!

My husbands drinking was so bad after we had our eldest that my PND became PTSD. He had always enjoyed a drink before we had children but I (perhaps naively) thought that drinking to excess would stop when we had children and responsibilities.

our relationship has never been the same since as I have found it hard to move on from the person you loved not being there for you when you needed them more than ever. It’s almost like a betrayal.

some examples of his behaviour at the time, he was so drunk he vomited on my feeding pillow, smashed glass all over the floor falling off the sofa, was regularly out until 2am and would become aggressive when confronted, was disruptive when he came in very noisy and waking baby and would just go to sleep and leave me to it. He would call me names and say I was ‘mad’ and ‘everyone thought I was mad, etc’.

I did leave for a short while but returned when he promised to address his behaviour - I think I was so low at this point I just wanted support. I eventually got through it with some help from family and friends.

Some of his behaviours have improved since that time and we have had some counseling. However, he is stilL unable to control his drinking when he goes out. He still comes in after 2am disrupting the children that I then have to deal with, is aggressive when confronted and name calls, he was once annoyed after coming in at 3am that our youngest was awake and he couldn’t go straight to sleep in our bed so took our eldest son’s blanket off him waking him up, he has on more than one occasion defecated over himself and the toilet, he vomits, regularly loses keys and phone and has put hands on me, blaming me for ‘provoking’ him.

He is somewhat apologetic in the mornings but believes that it is not his behaviour that is the issue but rather that I am controlling by asking him to not get so drunk/come home early.

He even got so drunk the night before that I had to organize all of our youngest 1st birthday party!

if it matters we contribute equally to household finances although for obvious reasons I do more of the childcare. Even as I write this he is sleeping off a hangover after leaving the toilet in a horrendous condition and the children have missed a trampolining session while I deal with it.

I don’t want to put my children through the trauma of a divorce if I am
in the wrong but I just don’t think this is a reasonable way to behave and the children would be better off not witnessing this behaviour?

Thank you for reading.

Did the GP say that or has he made that up to make you feel bad for suggesting it ?

As an add on to this cgl and emerging futures offer great family support

They often come out with this nonsense and my parents rode on this excuse for years
However YOU and most importantly YOUR CHILDREN are affected by his drinking. Thats enough reason for you to access some family support and for him to get help or get out

What a horrible man! Trauma of Divorce are you serious what about the lifelong trauma of an abusive alcoholic father who treats them appallingly and treats there mother horrendously. You should absolutely divorce him soon before the football season starts you should not have to live with this situation anymore.

Please find it in your heart to leave him. Growing up I never saw either of my parents drunk, I thought this was the norm but having been on MN for 10 years I see that sadly alcoholic parents are quite common. The example I was given means that I chose a tee totaler to have kids with and i rarely drink, I did all my going out drinking in my 20's. Hope things work out well when you leave.

You are not being unreasonable, and I want to gently push back on the framing of this as "AIBU," because what you're describing has moved well beyond a disagreement two reasonable people could see differently. Vomiting on you, smashing glass, coming home at 2-3am and disrupting the children, defecating on himself and the bathroom, losing his temper and name-calling, and physically putting his hands on you, that's not a lifestyle clash, that's a sustained pattern of harm to you and disruption to your children, regardless of how it started or how apologetic he is the next morning.
The piece that concerns me most, more than the drinking itself, is "he believes it is not his behaviour that is the issue but rather that I am controlling by asking him not to get so drunk." That's worth naming clearly: asking your partner not to get violently drunk, not to vomit on shared property, not to come home at 3am and wake sleeping children, isn't controlling, it's a baseline expectation of a functioning household. Turning around and telling you that you're the unreasonable one for asking is a way of putting the problem back onto you instead of him owning it, and it lines up with the earlier pattern you mentioned, him telling you that you were "mad" and that "everyone thought" so too. That's the kind of thing that erodes your ability to trust your own judgement over time, which is presumably part of why you're here asking strangers whether you're the unreasonable one, when reading your own account back, most people would say clearly that you're not.
I also want to name directly, because you may not be framing it this way yourself: him putting his hands on you and blaming you for "provoking" him is domestic abuse. Not "behaviour that's a bit much when he drinks," abuse. The blame-shifting that goes with it (it's your fault, you're the controlling one, you're the mad one) is a very recognisable pattern, and it's one reason these situations are so hard to leave even when, on paper, the facts are stark.

On the children: you're worried about putting them through the trauma of divorce, but it's worth weighing that against what they're currently living through, missed activities, disrupted sleep, a parent coming home drunk and aggressive, another parent who is exhausted and managing it alone. Children are often more affected by ongoing conflict and instability in the home than by separation itself, especially when separation removes them from witnessing aggression and substance misuse.
You don't have to make a decision about divorce right now, and that's not what I'm pushing you toward. But given the physical aggression you've mentioned, it might help to talk to a domestic abuse support service (in the UK, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 is free and confidential) even just to talk it through with someone who specialises in exactly this pattern, leaving you better placed to figure out what's safest and best for you and your children, whatever you decide.

This was my ex husband. Leaving was the best thing I ever did for me and my daughter.

Alcoholics have to reach rock bottom or die before they get help. The question for you is are you going to follow him into the gutter? U are enabling him, stop, get him out of your life until he has hit bottom and hopefully emerges.

The ‘trauma’ of the divorce is nothing in comparison to the trauma of living with this abusive man.

Appreciate getting to that point will be tough, contact Women’s Aid and work towards yours and their freedom.

Hey go easy. You’re understandably coming from a place of trauma, fear and anger, but there will be a much bigger picture than the one painted by the OP.
We all make mistakes. We all delay making the right decision. This situation didn’t happen overnight and that means it’s easier to normalise it until one day you take a step back and reassess.
The OP came here for help, advice and support and I bet that you could offer all of that if you push your instant reaction to one side. I’m genuinely sorry you went through what was clearly terrible experiences. Your insight (minus the anger) could be absolutely invaluable here.