AIBU and controlling or is my husbands behaviour inappropriate?

[tiredowl80]

I 44f have been married to my husband 44m for 8 years and we have 2 DC aged 7&4. Sorry for the long post!

My husbands drinking was so bad after we had our eldest that my PND became PTSD. He had always enjoyed a drink before we had children but I (perhaps naively) thought that drinking to excess would stop when we had children and responsibilities.

our relationship has never been the same since as I have found it hard to move on from the person you loved not being there for you when you needed them more than ever. It’s almost like a betrayal.

some examples of his behaviour at the time, he was so drunk he vomited on my feeding pillow, smashed glass all over the floor falling off the sofa, was regularly out until 2am and would become aggressive when confronted, was disruptive when he came in very noisy and waking baby and would just go to sleep and leave me to it. He would call me names and say I was ‘mad’ and ‘everyone thought I was mad, etc’.

I did leave for a short while but returned when he promised to address his behaviour - I think I was so low at this point I just wanted support. I eventually got through it with some help from family and friends.

Some of his behaviours have improved since that time and we have had some counseling. However, he is stilL unable to control his drinking when he goes out. He still comes in after 2am disrupting the children that I then have to deal with, is aggressive when confronted and name calls, he was once annoyed after coming in at 3am that our youngest was awake and he couldn’t go straight to sleep in our bed so took our eldest son’s blanket off him waking him up, he has on more than one occasion defecated over himself and the toilet, he vomits, regularly loses keys and phone and has put hands on me, blaming me for ‘provoking’ him.

He is somewhat apologetic in the mornings but believes that it is not his behaviour that is the issue but rather that I am controlling by asking him to not get so drunk/come home early.

He even got so drunk the night before that I had to organize all of our youngest 1st birthday party!

if it matters we contribute equally to household finances although for obvious reasons I do more of the childcare. Even as I write this he is sleeping off a hangover after leaving the toilet in a horrendous condition and the children have missed a trampolining session while I deal with it.

I don’t want to put my children through the trauma of a divorce if I am
in the wrong but I just don’t think this is a reasonable way to behave and the children would be better off not witnessing this behaviour?

Thank you for reading.

^
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Did he tell you that? Were you at the appointment? This man is a raging alcoholic and a thoroughly horrible person. Please leave and ensure any contact with the children is at a contact centre

Were you there when he said that? It’s not true.

He lied to you as he does to himself. Its
doubtful he saw the gp at all.

you are playing the usual roles associated with such spouses namely those of enabler, provoker and codependent partner. Alcoholism is not called the family disease without good reason.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. Do not continue to raise these children in such an unhealthy and toxic environment. The emotional damage being done to your kids here is incalculable and will also impact their adult relationships too.

And your kids and you are all traumatised by his alcoholism. All family members are affected. his alcoholism will have far reaching consequences on their lives, far more than you divorcing your drunkard.

I don’t think whether he is an alcoholic or not is the relevant thing.
He is making your life an absolute misery and it will be having an impact on your children.

It sounds awful @tiredowl80 I hope you are able to ask him to leave or to leave with your children and live elsewhere.

I grew up with a father who was an alcoholic. He died when I was 15. I loved him but it was difficult to have him as a father and I worried about him all the time.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent is much more damaging than your parents divorcing. After divorce you and your children will have a safe and stable home, that's what matters.

This.

Sorry OP. You can't accept this 💗

If he’s not an alcoholic he can stop drinking can’t he. And why wouldn’t he given everything you’ve said about his behaviour. Any normal person would not behave like this.

Except he won’t stop drinking and behaving like an arse and you’re better off without him.

For your children’s sake as well as your own.

My father had a drink problem and some of the memories of incidences - not even as bad as the ones you've described- are etched on my brain and are amongst THE strongest childhood memories. While I sincerely wish my parents had split up for those and many other reasons, the context and culture of the time and my mother's lack of options mean that I don't bear her much ill will for her inaction. But you are an articulate young woman living in 2025 who can earn her own living with all the resources - including the kind of advice available on Mumsnet - and I'm afraid you havd no such excuses. You know what you need to do and you will regret massively if you don't do it. My mother does and she has far less cause to feel bad about it.

I literally could have written this myself. Girl, if you ever wan to reach out please feel free too message. You are living my life xxx

The children are experiencing much more trauma from his alcoholism and emotional abuse than they will from a divorce. He is an addict, not willing to change, and he is getting more and more aggressive. It is impossible to live with such a person and be happy. Don't stick around until he becomes physically abusive, which he probably will.

What an idiot that doctor is. He obviously does not understand what a binge alcoholic is. I had one of those and I'm so glad I dumped him.

Good point. Addicts lie and that's exactly the kind of lie they spout. Otoh, there are some stupid doctors out there. Either way it's bullshit.

He still comes in after 2am disrupting the children that I then have to deal with, is aggressive when confronted and name calls, he was once annoyed after coming in at 3am that our youngest was awake and he couldn’t go straight to sleep in our bed so took our eldest son’s blanket off him waking him up, he has on more than one occasion defecated over himself and the toilet, he vomits, regularly loses keys and phone and has put hands on me, blaming me for ‘provoking’ him.

Why are you living like this?

Why are you letting your children experience this life? They are of an age that they will notice.

Who cares if he is an alcoholic or not. His behaviour after drinking is disgusting and you hate it and your children don't deserve it. I'd tell him you are splitting and wouldn't really be bothered getting into any arguments about his drinking. It is what it is. You don't have to live with it. Tell him you are done and that is that - and that you have no interest in controlling his drinking. Your only interest is in not living with it.

Sorry, but I don't believe this at all. An alcoholic is not defined as someone who drinks daily or doesnt drink at home and I'd bet a month's wages his GP did not say that

I grew up in an alcoholic household, although my mother was the alcoholic. Trust me, by staying you are setting up your children for a lifetime of emotional and mental health problems. As a start, can you look for a local al anon group?

As an amazing colleague from probation services used to explain to people about their offending behaviour:

If you only drink on your birthday and at Christmas, but both times you don't know when to stop and you end up behaving horribly due to alcohol, you have a problem with alcohol.

I doubt very much that (a) he gave an honest account of his drinking, his behaviour when drunk, and the effect on his family, and (b) if he told the doctor even half of it, the doctor said he had nothing to worry about.

Unless you were in the appointment I’m afraid you can bet you’re bottom dollar the GP said no such thing or if they did it was because H lied about how much he was drinking and his behaviour.

alcoholics lie - a lot.

Im often struck by reading comments on this site advising wives to leave husbands for the slightest issue or indiscretion. In contrast this situation is horrendous and and there is only one reasonable way forward. What will happen when he comes in late and has cross words with your son when he will be a bit older? This is a horror show and there is only one way forward for you and your children.

Hey OP,

Has the GP told him that? Or has he told you that the GP has said this? My dad was an alcoholic and ultimately died of liver cirrhosis. It was a shock because he had been lying through his teeth to us for years about what the GP/consultants/scans had said.

Also, not to dump too much, but my parents would often say that they stayed together because of us children, and that put an extra layer of guilt and shame on top of all the horrific trauma we suffered. Divorce isn't worse than living with a problem drinker, I promise..I wish you all the best.

Wake up and stop being so bloody stupid OP. You don't want to put your children through the trauma of a divorce? What do you think they are going through now watching a violent drunk destroy their home and family life.
Those kids will end up with CPTSD just like I did.