AIBU and controlling or is my husbands behaviour inappropriate?

[tiredowl80]

I 44f have been married to my husband 44m for 8 years and we have 2 DC aged 7&4. Sorry for the long post!

My husbands drinking was so bad after we had our eldest that my PND became PTSD. He had always enjoyed a drink before we had children but I (perhaps naively) thought that drinking to excess would stop when we had children and responsibilities.

our relationship has never been the same since as I have found it hard to move on from the person you loved not being there for you when you needed them more than ever. It’s almost like a betrayal.

some examples of his behaviour at the time, he was so drunk he vomited on my feeding pillow, smashed glass all over the floor falling off the sofa, was regularly out until 2am and would become aggressive when confronted, was disruptive when he came in very noisy and waking baby and would just go to sleep and leave me to it. He would call me names and say I was ‘mad’ and ‘everyone thought I was mad, etc’.

I did leave for a short while but returned when he promised to address his behaviour - I think I was so low at this point I just wanted support. I eventually got through it with some help from family and friends.

Some of his behaviours have improved since that time and we have had some counseling. However, he is stilL unable to control his drinking when he goes out. He still comes in after 2am disrupting the children that I then have to deal with, is aggressive when confronted and name calls, he was once annoyed after coming in at 3am that our youngest was awake and he couldn’t go straight to sleep in our bed so took our eldest son’s blanket off him waking him up, he has on more than one occasion defecated over himself and the toilet, he vomits, regularly loses keys and phone and has put hands on me, blaming me for ‘provoking’ him.

He is somewhat apologetic in the mornings but believes that it is not his behaviour that is the issue but rather that I am controlling by asking him to not get so drunk/come home early.

He even got so drunk the night before that I had to organize all of our youngest 1st birthday party!

if it matters we contribute equally to household finances although for obvious reasons I do more of the childcare. Even as I write this he is sleeping off a hangover after leaving the toilet in a horrendous condition and the children have missed a trampolining session while I deal with it.

I don’t want to put my children through the trauma of a divorce if I am
in the wrong but I just don’t think this is a reasonable way to behave and the children would be better off not witnessing this behaviour?

Thank you for reading.

He's an abusive alcoholic and you need to protect yourself and your children x

Were you actually there when his GP said this? I would very much doubt any doctor would say that .
And your H will have vastly underplayed how much he is drinking if he actually did talk to his GP.

Do you know what they say about children who grow up with an alcoholic parent? "Marry one or become one".

It means if constantly papering over the cracks of DH's terrible behaviour and pretending alcohol isn't a MASSIVE problem is how you normalise this in their childhood, it's what they'll expect from a normal relationship as they grow up. Women in particular are so used to mollifying alcoholic parents and seeing their parent do it, that they completely miss the red flags of addictive behaviour when they start dating.

The "trauma" of divorce is short-term; the slow realisation that everything you ever knew was setting you up to fail in adulthood can have far longer and deeper repercussions.

You would be better to exit this now, before it gets worse for all of you. He sounds on track for alcohol-related brain damage too, which can kick in early 50s. If you don't want to keep doing everything you currently do and also add being his carer, go soon.

My best friend's dad was an alcoholic. She is 51 and it still affects her daily in the way she reacts to people.

If you’re not strong enough to leave for yourself, do it for your children. Currently both of you are damaging them.

I can't believe that you've let your children witness this for so long tbh. Divorce is the best option for them now.

How often does this happen?

You are not being controlling in asking him to behave like a sensible, responsible adult. You are not being controlling when you ask him to curtail his awful behaviour when drunk. You are not being controlling in expecting him to step up and face his parental responsibilities.

He is being totally selfish in expecting to behave exactly how he pleases, and to hell with everyone else. He does not care about you or the dc in the slightest.

Please get rid
My parents were binge drinkers, every Saturday my sister and I would be frightened huddling in bed awaiting their return for arguments hitting each other and other such behaviour
My sister wet the bed until 14 amd I have spent my life dating verbally abusive selfish idiots because it affected my self esteem so much.
Give your children the best chance in life. Get rid and get help
Check out family anonymous uk helpline and forum
Al anonymous and depending where you live drug and alcohol centres help families
It doesn't have to be daily to cause the issues

Don't forget, with alcoholics there has to be a villain in the story, so the alcohol abuse is never their fault. It's you, you're the bad guy.

Now that we've established that, everything out of your mouth comes from a bad place of wanting to harm them, control them, take away their friends, ruin their lives and be the fun police. Therefore everything you say, including - and especially - about alcohol can be safely discounted.

And he'll continue to drink. He's looking for an excuse, not a remedy. He actually NEEDS you to be the bad guy and say these things, so he can justify drinking to himself. "Any man would need a drink having to listen to you!" If you leave him, that will be the reason he drinks. Once your children are old enough to talk back, it will be their fault (and yours!) "You're just as bad as your mother! She's poisoned my children against me!" etc etc etc.

You're not the first, and you won't be the last.

A divorce is nowhere near as traumatising as what you describe - put him out.

You and your children get one life, don't spend it like this.

I had this (the drinking, not the physical abuse). It only got worse over the years. I was terrified to leave because of the impact on my son but it was absolutely the right thing to do. My ex's drinking got even worse when I left and he stopped seeing my son at all for about 18 months, lost his job, lost his driving license. But after two residential rehabs - not drinking for 2 years - now has a good relationship with my son. He never would have stopped drinking if I had stayed. I kept his life together for him and enabled the drinking, looking back.

The relief of being able to shut my own door, turn off the phone, not having to deal with the drunk chaos - I will never forget that feeling.

He's a problem drinker, whether or not he's an alcoholic is neither here nor there. He's put his hands on you while drunk and that should be a firm boundry, that is never acceptable.

Your kids shouldn't grow up around an adult who drinks like this or behaves like this, leaving him will protect them from the worst of his problems.

Have you ever videoed him when he's drunk, the name calling etc? Perhaps he needs the wake up call of seeing what he's like, ask him if he wants his kids to see / hear their behaviour, if he would be happy with his parents seeing it?

If he continues to drink he's chosing alcohol over you and his kids, you need to make the right choice and put distance between him and you all.

you don’t need confirmation from us or the GP that he is an alcoholic or to give you permission
you are allowed to leave anyway

but for what it’s worth, the trauma of an alcoholic parent who shits himself and is verbally abusive is FAR WORSE than separated parents.

Binge drinker or alcoholic, precise definition is irrelevant. He has a dysfunctional relationship with booze, whether it is dependence or lack of self restraint.
Your DC are missing things while he is vomiting and shitting everywhere and you are cleaning that up.

Leaving his alcohol on problems aside, he hits you. He is violent. And he blames you for his violence. It is not your fault. No one deserves to be hit. This part is enough to end the marriage, regardless of the alcohol.

Divorce is far less traumatic for kids than living with an alcoholic who hits their mom and yells and wakes the kids up and shits himself.

They'll likely feel relieved.

I imagine he wasn't honest with the GP about how much he drinks and how it affects him/his family.
I'm one who thinks LTB is thrown around too quickly here, but on this occasion I'll echo all those saying LTB. You and the kids are worth far more.

The trauma of living like this is bigger than the trauma of divorce. They would be better off not witnessing it. I was the child in this situation and it’s terrifying. Be strong, and please ask him to leave.

im questioning if he ever saw the GP regarding this issue.

one thing that helped me was keeping notes on my phone of all the instances that happened past and present, so in times where i felt he wasnt too bad, i could read them and remind myself

at the end of the day its how much you are willing to put up with/put the kids through. When they get to school, they could let slip that daddy strangles and hits mummy and theyre scared at home on weekends. Social services will be involved and you may end up losing the children. Do something now, take action

My ex-DH grew up with an alcoholic father. Not one single child of that family came out unscathed and would have been far less damaged by divorce.

Is this the role model your children deserve OP?

You’re in denial because he’s a functional alcoholic - he keeps his job and appears normal to others in the day. I’m so sorry but it’s up to you to take action to protect the children; I don’t feel they should stay with him so you need to document everything now so they can be kept safe from him later.

How can you have any respect for someone who behaves like that and towards you too.

Is that what you want to continue to subject your children to. I really hope not.

Urgh this is a safeguarding issue for your kids. He needs to leave the house. Sorry, but you are enabling him.

He still comes in after 2am disrupting the children that I then have to deal with, is aggressive when confronted and name calls, he was once annoyed after coming in at 3am that our youngest was awake and he couldn’t go straight to sleep in our bed so took our eldest son’s blanket off him waking him up, he has on more than one occasion defecated over himself and the toilet, he vomits, regularly loses keys and phone and has put hands on me, blaming me for ‘provoking’ him.

Holy fuck!😮😡

How much more of a reason do you need to get him out of your life! He needs to leave today, you and your kids aren't safe around him. Did you call the police when he physically assaulted you? What did he do?

A divorce will be far easier than them growing up living with an alcoholic