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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family/friends/colleagues no longer like my husband, but I cant tell them the truth

128 replies

Sosad971827 · 13/09/2025 17:54

My husband used to be social, friendly, chatty , funny and had some friends who he has been friends with since childhood, very close. He had a job that involved wining and dining clients, giving talks and networking.a people person.
Out of nowhere a few years ago he became very depressed after having covid. It was very strange as he was at the top of his game at the time. This got worse for 6 months until he had a complete breakdown and developed psychosis, delusions and paranoia. It was horrific. During this time he withdrew from work, family and friends as you would expect really but he forbid me from telling ANYONE what was wrong, not even our parents. I suspect he was ashamed/embarrassed/confused and was not in the right headspace at that time.
He went on to have some amazing mental health support and has taken many different medications and has been hospitalised once. During all of this i had noone to speak to or support me/kids. I was looking after him , our children and working full time as he couldn't work anymore.
Any family functions etc myself and the kids went to alone and had to make an excuse he was poorly. We went on holiday alone, went to family/friends at xmas alone etc
Over time i really started to struggle and after begging him did tell his parents and mine. His were useless, mine just wanted me to leave him.
Anyway fast forward 5 years , he is a completely different person. Whatever happened to him and the medication he takes have changed his brain. He is solitary, quiet, a hermit, shows zero emotion or empathy, and has pushed everyone away.
His best friend of 40 years no longer speaks to him. His dad died and my husband did not go to the funeral even though they had always been close, this must of hurt his friend tremendously.
Everyone comments to me on how unsociable he is and I deserve a medal being with him/ or why am I with him? Noone knows the truth and just think that hes rude/arrogant/miserable.
I feel so sorry for him but I dont think he has dealt with this in the right way. Any advice?

OP posts:
MrsColinRobinson · 13/09/2025 18:42

Confide in those closest to you. Caring for someone with severe mh issues is exhausting and can often impact on your own mh.

You deserve support too. I don't know how you've coped for so long.

Are his parents still around and does he see any of his family?

swingingbytheseat · 13/09/2025 18:48

You are carrying a lot
has he been insisting that you don’t tell anyone or is that coming from you?

DoRayMeMeMe · 13/09/2025 18:57

But why are you with him? ‘Has he pushed you away too? Or is there still a relationship between you?
You are allowed to leave, even without his permission, you know that right?

He doesn’t sound well at all, and his propensity to hide stuff is not going to help. It doesn’t sound like he wants help, not really to be married.

Are you just absorbing it all, and never get your needs met? It sounds like that from your OP but it isn’t clear. Have you spoken to him, or a joint counselor about how it is for you?

Mumptynumpty · 13/09/2025 19:04

Being medicated is only part of a recovery plan.

Engaging with things you enjoy, learning new things, starting hobbies, old and new, gently reintroducing yourself to empathetic relationships (which can be support groups or friends), building a life that includes joy, hope and quality is another part of recovery.

He will stagnate if he doesn't begin to gently step just outside his comfort zone.

Consider counseling, occupational therapy, post psychosis support groups. But, he needs to pull himself out of the treacle that is paralysing his life and begin.

pikkumyy77 · 13/09/2025 19:13

Do you have to stay with him? If he is this detached from you why do you have to keep propping him up? Just separate. Help him manage as though he is a sibling with mental health issues. He can’t manage to be in a love relationship.

Original poster
Sosad971827 · 13/09/2025 19:16

He has sworn me to secrecy over it. Only his parents know and my parents.
His family are kind enough but act like it never happened and dont like to involve themselves. Mine just wanted me away from him but without me and the kids he would have nothing to live for, nothing to motivate him.
He is relatively ok with me and the children, its not the same as it was but we have gotten used to our new normal and they understand he's poorly. (They are teens)
He sees the same mental health nurse every week, has ctb with a doctor every week all at our own home as he won't go out, and sees his psychiatrist every six weeks. There has been a lot of support and help for him but he will only access so much. They have a lot of therapy groups such as gardening, painting , music etc, he absolutely refuses to attend anything like that. We have all been putting pressure on him to expose himself to more such as nature, walking, etc but he is very resistant

OP posts:
2015pls · 13/09/2025 19:20

Perhaps he is, like 99.9999999% of mumsnet it would seem, a, gulp, “introvert”

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/09/2025 19:21

@Sosad971827 - he needs to understand that, while you appreciate he wants this to remain confidential, you are at your breaking point and you NEED support, and this means you have to be able to talk to some people about it.

The only other option is that you completely break too, and that will leave him to care for himself and your children.

Original poster
Sosad971827 · 13/09/2025 19:23

As I said we are used to our new normal, I see it as similar to being married to someone who has had a stroke or brain injury. Something that has completely changed them but they didn't ask for and had no control over. I want to support him because I love him.
My issue is that other people don't like him because they dont understand/aren't able to understand the situation.
What is would love to do is reach out to his old friend and explain, im sure he would understand and would want to come and see him but my husband forbids it. He would rather people think badly of him rather than knowing he has a mental health condition

OP posts:
Familymanlondondad · 13/09/2025 19:24

DoRayMeMeMe · 13/09/2025 18:57

But why are you with him? ‘Has he pushed you away too? Or is there still a relationship between you?
You are allowed to leave, even without his permission, you know that right?

He doesn’t sound well at all, and his propensity to hide stuff is not going to help. It doesn’t sound like he wants help, not really to be married.

Are you just absorbing it all, and never get your needs met? It sounds like that from your OP but it isn’t clear. Have you spoken to him, or a joint counselor about how it is for you?

In sickness and in health. Do vows mean nothing to you?

2015pls · 13/09/2025 19:29

Sosad971827 · 13/09/2025 19:23

As I said we are used to our new normal, I see it as similar to being married to someone who has had a stroke or brain injury. Something that has completely changed them but they didn't ask for and had no control over. I want to support him because I love him.
My issue is that other people don't like him because they dont understand/aren't able to understand the situation.
What is would love to do is reach out to his old friend and explain, im sure he would understand and would want to come and see him but my husband forbids it. He would rather people think badly of him rather than knowing he has a mental health condition

I wouldn’t want your “normal” for my children

LaundryGarden · 13/09/2025 19:30

Familymanlondondad · 13/09/2025 19:24

In sickness and in health. Do vows mean nothing to you?

Show quote history

It cracks me up the way some Mners produce this like it’s some ultimate ‘gotcha’. Do you not realise that this is one specific wording from one specific religious tradition? I didn’t vow that. I just said I was free to marry, and took DH as my husband. No ‘till death us do part’ or anything about illness. Lots of marriages end because of illness or accident. I don’t in the least blame anyone involved. Like the OP, they’re suddenly married to someone completely different to the person they married, who, in the OP’s case, is preventing her from seeking support as she tries to stay married to someone who is, apparently, now entirely without empathy or an ability to relate to others.

ThreePears · 13/09/2025 19:30

2015pls · 13/09/2025 19:20

Perhaps he is, like 99.9999999% of mumsnet it would seem, a, gulp, “introvert”

That is really condescending and unnecessary, but I'm sure you didn't mean it. Did you not read what the OP has described about her DH's considerable and long-term mental health issues, or did you just skip over that bit?

Tiswa · 13/09/2025 19:33

Where are you in this and how it has impacted you?

I think you need to talk to him about how this is making you feel and how unsustainable it is because of the fact that people are treating and looking at you for staying

whimsicallyprickly · 13/09/2025 19:35

Sosad971827 · 13/09/2025 19:23

As I said we are used to our new normal, I see it as similar to being married to someone who has had a stroke or brain injury. Something that has completely changed them but they didn't ask for and had no control over. I want to support him because I love him.
My issue is that other people don't like him because they dont understand/aren't able to understand the situation.
What is would love to do is reach out to his old friend and explain, im sure he would understand and would want to come and see him but my husband forbids it. He would rather people think badly of him rather than knowing he has a mental health condition

And your husband doesn't mind that his refusal to explain, also reflects on you and affects you and the children?

Original poster
Sosad971827 · 13/09/2025 19:36

Its very difficult to speak to him about myself because he doesn't have the ability to see it from others point of view. He also has a lot of memory loss when he was at his worst and cant remember it. He doesn't understand the impact it had.

OP posts:
Familymanlondondad · 13/09/2025 19:36

LaundryGarden · 13/09/2025 19:30

It cracks me up the way some Mners produce this like it’s some ultimate ‘gotcha’. Do you not realise that this is one specific wording from one specific religious tradition? I didn’t vow that. I just said I was free to marry, and took DH as my husband. No ‘till death us do part’ or anything about illness. Lots of marriages end because of illness or accident. I don’t in the least blame anyone involved. Like the OP, they’re suddenly married to someone completely different to the person they married, who, in the OP’s case, is preventing her from seeking support as she tries to stay married to someone who is, apparently, now entirely without empathy or an ability to relate to others.

Show quote history

Yeah part of the reason divorce rates are high is due to not believing in the sanctity of marriage. Throwaway tendencies, traditional values forgotten.

mumonthehill · 13/09/2025 19:37

You have both been through a terrible time and if you have not had it then you need counselling as I suspect do your dc. He can isolate himself but can't expect you to isolate too and you may need to tell some but not all to people whose support you need. He is being cruel to you if he stops you from getting support snd help from those that love you. He sounds quite controlling and you need to step back a bit. You definitely need time to process all that has happened and so please be kind to yourself.

Lavender14 · 13/09/2025 19:38

MrsColinRobinson · 13/09/2025 18:42

Confide in those closest to you. Caring for someone with severe mh issues is exhausting and can often impact on your own mh.

You deserve support too. I don't know how you've coped for so long.

Are his parents still around and does he see any of his family?

I agree, I think you pick people you really trust who you know can keep their mouth shut and who will have your back and you tell them the truth so they understand and can support you.

You're also impacted by this and while I understand why he wants to keep this private, it's not fair to put that on to you. I think you can probably work out what's fair to share that impacts you, and what is his business and needs to stay private.

That type of a breakdown is a massive trauma to go through and it's great he's had a good experience in terms of available support. But it takes a very long time to recover and realistically his previous lifestyle obviously wasn't working for him so it's probably not something he will feel able to return to. He (and you) has been through something life changing.

I think unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it, these types of life events are the ones that show you who is going to look deeper and keep showing up for you when the chips are down. Pick your people and tell them the truth without going into massive detail and gather your wagons. I would also have a conversation with him (without blaming him) and explain that life has changed a lot for you both and you are so glad he's had great support, but you also need support to protect your wellbeing. His relationships are his business but yours are yours. I wouldn't tell him. You are entitled to have confidence in your friends when you need it.

Lebleu · 13/09/2025 19:39

Wow feel for you OP what you’ve gone through is so so difficult & heartbreaking on many levels. He really is putting you in an unfair position & yet I understand his fears of the stigma. But actually people thinking badly of him as they do currently, as being rude & distant etc is far worse & more damaging, than the actual truth, where any good friends at least, would be able to understand what he (& you all) have gone through & have some sympathy or at least empathy for his plight. His parents’ reaction probably tells you why he feared telling them in the first place. I feel you should be able to share with your closest friends about a devastating & debilitating health condition your DH has been suffering from. I would personally tell his ex BF in confidence & others too. And explain how critical it is to him that he not know you’ve told them. Just the immediate & closest ones to you. But it must be so difficult.

Tiswa · 13/09/2025 19:43

Are you scared to talk to him OP? Because that is no way to live

it may have happened to him but it affected you too. And your children

my mum had a breakdown when I was 7 and we didn’t talk about it and it really really didn’t help me. It took me a long time to recognise that it was part of my story just as much as hers and therefore the part that affected me I had every right to talk about it as much as she did

becsuse your teens also are living through this and need to be able to talk about it

whimsicallyprickly · 13/09/2025 19:50

Sosad971827 · 13/09/2025 19:36

Its very difficult to speak to him about myself because he doesn't have the ability to see it from others point of view. He also has a lot of memory loss when he was at his worst and cant remember it. He doesn't understand the impact it had.

Maybe you should have a little memory loss too. Forget he's asked you not to tell people and tell his very closest friends. Ask them not to mention that you've told them. Seriously.....he can't have it all his own way. And maybe he has a little selective memory going on?

Just a thought.

You need support. You cannot go through the rest of your life like this. Your husband, pre covid, would not have wanted you to be treated so badly

YourAquaLion · 13/09/2025 20:02

I think you’ve done amazingly OP, you sound like a wonderful wife and a very supportive, ethical person. But you’re allowed to tell people about how you feel and what is happening to you. Tell your closest friends. This is happening to you too, not just your husband. He isn’t considering your feelings in the same way. The good ones will handle it very well and become your support system. Let them in, and let them help you xxx

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 13/09/2025 20:11

Tell people what’s happened, I think that’s the only way ti survive this, call it a brain injury

NotToday1l · 13/09/2025 20:17

Sosad971827 · 13/09/2025 19:36

Its very difficult to speak to him about myself because he doesn't have the ability to see it from others point of view. He also has a lot of memory loss when he was at his worst and cant remember it. He doesn't understand the impact it had.

Does he work and if not will he be able to work again?