Family/friends/colleagues no longer like my husband, but I cant tell them the truth

[Sosad971827]

My husband used to be social, friendly, chatty , funny and had some friends who he has been friends with since childhood, very close. He had a job that involved wining and dining clients, giving talks and networking.a people person.
Out of nowhere a few years ago he became very depressed after having covid. It was very strange as he was at the top of his game at the time. This got worse for 6 months until he had a complete breakdown and developed psychosis, delusions and paranoia. It was horrific. During this time he withdrew from work, family and friends as you would expect really but he forbid me from telling ANYONE what was wrong, not even our parents. I suspect he was ashamed/embarrassed/confused and was not in the right headspace at that time.
He went on to have some amazing mental health support and has taken many different medications and has been hospitalised once. During all of this i had noone to speak to or support me/kids. I was looking after him , our children and working full time as he couldn't work anymore.
Any family functions etc myself and the kids went to alone and had to make an excuse he was poorly. We went on holiday alone, went to family/friends at xmas alone etc
Over time i really started to struggle and after begging him did tell his parents and mine. His were useless, mine just wanted me to leave him.
Anyway fast forward 5 years , he is a completely different person. Whatever happened to him and the medication he takes have changed his brain. He is solitary, quiet, a hermit, shows zero emotion or empathy, and has pushed everyone away.
His best friend of 40 years no longer speaks to him. His dad died and my husband did not go to the funeral even though they had always been close, this must of hurt his friend tremendously.
Everyone comments to me on how unsociable he is and I deserve a medal being with him/ or why am I with him? Noone knows the truth and just think that hes rude/arrogant/miserable.
I feel so sorry for him but I dont think he has dealt with this in the right way. Any advice?

That’s completely not OK to swear you to secrecy.

For starters, because it ties you into his feelings of shame around mental illness. What would happen if you faced down his catastrophising and said “I’m not prepared to behave as if either of us should feel shame about this. I won’t be lying any longer for you about it.”

It does seem that you have all become afraid to say boo to a goose and that he is completely fragile. Is that the case? Has he zero resilience to anything? Or can there be expectations on him?

I feel very sorry for your H and for you because dealing with mental health problems is hellish both for the sufferer and for their loved ones.
I think all these people who you say are bad mouthing him and encouraging you to be embarrassed by your H should be ashamed of themselves.
Being unsociable isn't a crime. If that's how he is then that's how he is and them continually commenting on it when it's none if their business is not making things any easier for you.
Perhaps you should mix with nicer people who are not judgemental.because you aren't married to a social butterfly.

He doesn't work now and I don't think he ever will. The psychiatrists say he could maybe do something part time and low stress much further in the future but I cant see that. He is only ok because he lives in a little protective bubble keeping his world very small. He no longer likes being around people.
So on top of everything weve been through weve also lost his quite high wage aswell and there are no benefits that we can claim other than pip. Our live have had to drastically change

Where is your support oo? You need to reach out.
Tell people the more you say "dh had /has a mental health crisis" the easier it will be
Maybe his mh illness is what tells him to tell you to be secretive.
He is not in control of you.
Look up depression fallout
Go to gp get nhs counselling
Make time for you at least once a week

I'm in a similar position to you op except that I recently cracked and told his family. He is annoyed about this but his brother is now taking him out quite often which I am super grateful for. It has helped me.
I'm not divorcing him, I'm hoping he is going to get better.

Am I married?

What about the other vows he took? Did this man promise to love, honour and cherish? Maybe, or maybe not. OP may be using “DH” for simplicity when she is not actually married. Which puts aside that we see zero evidence that he does love honour or cherish her. I would suggest that his incredibly low commitment to getting better is extremely disrespectful to his wife and to his family.

But not withstanding all that, your imperious tone is really missing the mark. You may be incredulous but none of us is actually required to stay in a low quality relationship.
The days of “you’ve made your bed”/“but the vows” are long over, because it became obvious that it is used as a manipulation by users.
You might think OP should immolate decades of her life on the altar of his mental health problems. I’m just reminding her that her life is unique precious and valuable too.
She counts, her life counts.

What medication is he on and who prescribed it, and when?

It could be the case it’s not the right one for him. My ex suffered horrendously from depression and was on a medication which dulled the worst of it (suicidal tendencies) but that left him as an otherwise empty shell. He then got onto a more sophisticated cocktail with a psychiatrist, and the difference was immense.

What is would love to do is reach out to his old friend and explain, im sure he would understand and would want to come and see him but my husband forbids It

This is a very telling choice of word.

I would have ended this a long time ago.

OP, you have been coerced into going along with his illness, as has your children. This has got to stop. It’s not healthy for you or your DC to live in this environment and to a certain extent your reluctance to let your immediate circle of friends and family know about his long term illness, albeit with good intentions, is continuing to enable him to refuse to engage in more meaningful therapies.
Children who have a parent with a severe long term mental health illness frequently end up with mental health illnesses of their own.

@Sosad971827 are your teens allowed to talk about it because for them if they can’t it is incredibly damaging

they are your priority to protect

OP I wouldn't reach out to his old friend if he doesn't want you to. What I would do is confide in my own close friends - he doesn't have the right to deny you that support.

You need to have a frank talk with him - about how much you have been carrying and what it means for your marriage. It's not good enough to accept that he can't see things from your point of view - you need to be explicit that he has to take your needs into account too or you can't carry on. You need to think of your own health and wellbeing and that of your children. Teenagers need a lot of care and support, please don't underestimate the effect all this will be having on them.

Your first step is to get some support for yourself. It's not optional, it's imperative. You are important too 💐

I would tell his best friend of 40 years

I definitely wouldn’t be telling my own friends

Your husband may be ill, but he's not engaging with the things that might help him, and failing to acknowledge the impact it's having on you and his children. You have every right to talk to someone about your own struggles - and I'm afraid it's not acceptable that your husband is denying you the support that you need. Looking after someone with mental health problems, dealing with the financial hit and keeping it all together while keeping it all a secret? That is a huge, huge burden. To be honest I think your husband is extremely selfish to forbid you from talking about it. Although he probably has absolutely no idea what it's doing to you.

Talk to your close friends. Talk to his friend if you need to. You are breaking your back holding him up and it will come crashing down if you don't get some support in all of this soon. It sounds awful for you. And I'm sorry but if he's not willing to help himself then you will not get anywhere, regardless of your efforts. Do both yourself and him a favour and help yourself instead. You need it more. He's got his support. He's got you, he's got professionals, he's got medication, he's got many options. You don't even have him to support you any more, and you feel obligated to keep it all a secret because he's too proud?

I say this with kindness, you really need to start prioritising yourself again before you have a mental health crisis yourself. Please tell someone you trust, please talk to someone. If your husband is unhappy with this - so be it. He will be unhappy whatever you do, by the sounds of it but he's happy for you to be unhappy too? He should be encouraging you to get support.

Your husband is isolating you and your children, from having proper support from family/friends, because he doesn't want other people to know he suffered a breakdown, and has ongoing MH issues. You can't be expected, realistically, to continue like this forever more. It's not practical, it's utterly exhausting for you, it's bloody cruel of your husband to expect it and he's being bloody selfish. I understand that in essence, your husband has had a personality change, it's not something he asked for or wants. However, he's not fully engaging himself with all the help offered. There is more he could do, to help himself but he refuses. You can't force him, and neither can the professionals. Firstly, you do need to tell close trusted people the situation. You need support, your husband can't dictate this any longer. Secondly, I absolutely understand you love your husband, but to be blunt, you only get one crack at this life, is this the life you want going forward? You can't 'fix' your husband. His refusal to fully engage with the help available is hindering his recovery. It's equally stopping you and your children living your life. It's a very very difficult situation. I say this as someone who has an acquired brain jury.

This is not a healthy home life for your children and I suspect it’s storing up serious mental health issues for them as they grow up.

Forbids 😯

Your friends must think it strange that he no longer works. What reason does he give? He is being very selfish not allowing you to share the burden with anyone. I hope he appreciates you.

OP there is much we share in our husbands once so capable and now so very reduced. I also accept the change and the tiny world he lives in. I did though tell other people and told him that had to happen. As the years passed even the people he didn’t want to know he ceased to be protective of.

You prioritise your support and your fun. I accept him and also think of it like an injury and see much of the man I loved while maybe seeing a different life lived.

It’s tough OP and many, even family, won’t want to know. My husband’s parent pretend it hasn’t happened. Limited socially insecure beings that they are they think it reflects on them. Disappointments indeed. But your friends need to hold you up - don’t feel that you can’t speak your truth even where that reveals his.

Once someone is in the position of forbidding their spouse from meeting their own needs I think the relationship is in real trouble. And you need to, and have a right to access support.
i had postpartum psychosis and terrible MH for several years. I wanted my DH to have all the support he needed as he was supporting me and it was bloody hellish for us.
he talked to friends/family, his boss and a carer support organisation. Without that I think it would have broken him/us.
putting this on you with no outlet to deal with this massive life change is not fair. Yes MH is stigmatised but frankly the more we speak openly of it the less the stigma is.

you need to tell him if he doesn't change you'll leave and mean it. He's controlling and abusive. What a bloody catch of a 'man' he is!! Let me guess he checked out of parenting too? Funny how it's never the mums.

Your DH has been and is currently very unwell, but this won’t necessarily be forever. People do recover from these illnesses, so please don’t give up hope. In the meantime, his judgement is very impaired and you need to make your own decisions about who to confide in about his condition. You can’t support him without the right support for yourself.

I’d also be concerned that his medication wasn’t right, he shouldn’t be zombified by it. I hope his medical team are fully aware of how it makes him feel and behave, and that they review it regularly.

Yep also this

I think that you should tell friends and family so thst you can get some support. His not wanting people to know is part of his illness .. you must not take that on.
And your children need to know that mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of ... they cannot take on the burden of this pretence.
My late OH suffered with anxiety and depression and had to leave his professional partnership because of this, but he did not want anyone to know why. It was stressful pretending.

Him 'forbidding' you to be open about the situation is a real problem. You need to explain to him that you are in this situation too. You have shouldered the responsibility for it, you have kept the family together and you need to be able to tell people. Your needs matter too. You have honoured his for four years and now it is time to honour your own. Tell whoever you want to tell. Your husband would really benefit from realising there is no shame to mental illness. The brain is an organ of the body. His malfunctioned, just as other people's liver or kidney or heart might.