Family/friends/colleagues no longer like my husband, but I cant tell them the truth

[Sosad971827]

My husband used to be social, friendly, chatty , funny and had some friends who he has been friends with since childhood, very close. He had a job that involved wining and dining clients, giving talks and networking.a people person.
Out of nowhere a few years ago he became very depressed after having covid. It was very strange as he was at the top of his game at the time. This got worse for 6 months until he had a complete breakdown and developed psychosis, delusions and paranoia. It was horrific. During this time he withdrew from work, family and friends as you would expect really but he forbid me from telling ANYONE what was wrong, not even our parents. I suspect he was ashamed/embarrassed/confused and was not in the right headspace at that time.
He went on to have some amazing mental health support and has taken many different medications and has been hospitalised once. During all of this i had noone to speak to or support me/kids. I was looking after him , our children and working full time as he couldn't work anymore.
Any family functions etc myself and the kids went to alone and had to make an excuse he was poorly. We went on holiday alone, went to family/friends at xmas alone etc
Over time i really started to struggle and after begging him did tell his parents and mine. His were useless, mine just wanted me to leave him.
Anyway fast forward 5 years , he is a completely different person. Whatever happened to him and the medication he takes have changed his brain. He is solitary, quiet, a hermit, shows zero emotion or empathy, and has pushed everyone away.
His best friend of 40 years no longer speaks to him. His dad died and my husband did not go to the funeral even though they had always been close, this must of hurt his friend tremendously.
Everyone comments to me on how unsociable he is and I deserve a medal being with him/ or why am I with him? Noone knows the truth and just think that hes rude/arrogant/miserable.
I feel so sorry for him but I dont think he has dealt with this in the right way. Any advice?

Divorce rates have dropped steadily since their peak. This is nothing to do with throwaway tendencies and there are several "traditonal values" that we have done very well to have forgotten, mainly being tethered to someone for the rest of your one short precious life, in a joyless mire of bullshit because of the social pressure on women to stick in there for better or worse lest you become used goods and put back on the shelf. Thankfully, most of us are past that now.

If you would like to devote your life and your childrens' childhoods to functioning as someone's protective bubble that is your choice to make, but it's not one I'd be making.

There are two sides to a relationship. He cannot swear you to secrecy meaning you are completely cut off from the support and perpsective that you desperately need, and also refuse to engage with professional support that would likely improve things for him and therefore you.

This is unfortunately but he is a grown adult and responsible for himself ultimately. He is free to make his own decisions seemingly about what he will and won't do, but you are not? This is not sustainable or reasonable in any way.

I do understand why you keep his secret - I have been in a similar situation myself.

At this stage maybe you need to think of the chidlren, who have endured this with you. They are learning that MH problems are shameful and to be kept secret; they are learning that the sick person's needs take precedence over everyone else's. These are not good lessons and there needs to be a moment when these shackles are opened.

Why get married then?

Often posters are suggesting LTB when the sufferer is refusing to process any kind of help and there are children involved

You and the children are individuals separate from him and are entitled to look for support and coping methods for your needs.
This is a family trauma - I suggest some kind of family therapy but also you should also confide in close friends as you would with other problems.

Your logic escapes me here. Are you asking why people get married when, in a commonly-used form of words in the civil ceremony, there’s no provision for ‘in sickness or in health’ or a promise of lifelong commitment?

It's a legal contract that offers certain benefits.

Morning, wow a lot of comments , I have just read then all.
In answer to a few questions, I am certain covid triggered this. He has tried multiple medications which all have terrible side effects and have caused other awful health problems, and none have fully worked. The team all say he doesn't fit the box of any mh diagnosis such as bipolar, schizophrenia etc.
I am actually quite worried at the moment as he has covid again now . He has been really poorly with it for 2 weeks. I am keeping a very close eye.
With regards to the children, as it was a slow and steady decline they sort of got used to him being on the sidelines. I went above and beyond for them and still do, taking on the role of mum and dad. I do everything with them , attend every football match, concert, give lifts , holidays, days out etc, they haven't missed out in that way. They understand dad is too poorly to join in. I have talked to them both at great length about is problem so that they understand and I have been guided in this by his team. I have also never told them they can't tell anyone or talk about it.
On a couple of occasions a year or so back he did try to attend some family gatherings, he sat in silence in a room full of his family members and didn't say a word, zoned out. People were looking. Not one person asked me what was wrong. So people do talk for sure but what support can they actually give? That caused him great distress and he didn't want to try again.
His team are very caring towards me and I am able to speak to them separate from him. I also attend all meetings.
When i agreed to not tell anyone at the time, we all thought it would be a short term thing, including the professionals. They said he would be recovered in six months. Obviously that never happened and here we are years later
I could not have left him because I would have been seen as evil to walk away from him in that state when he needed help, and i was also worried about who would help him etc, I feel that is my job.
I was also worried about him having contact with the kids, with me not being there i would not know what was going on with his recovery or if he was well/unwell or if he was neglecting them. I didn't want to put them through that. I also didn't want to take his kids away from him. My daughter especially adores him and they have spent hours cuddled on the sofa together etc,

Did your husband ever have an MRI? It sounds like he had a brain injury that's resulted in sudden and extreme personality and behavioural changes and his mental health has been drastically affected.

That said, I think the pretense has to stop. You need support and you have the right to seek that, from family and professionals.

Yes he had a brain scan because one of his medications caused intercranial hypertension and he had to have a lumbar puncture. It showed the pressure but no actual brain damage to be seen.
They are also suggesting now that he is undiagnosed nurodivergent that was high masking . I dont know if i agree with this as he had a very successful life and showed no signs of anything like that and no struggles in school
They did not see him before this happened. The difference is like Jekyll and Hyde . His team mostly deal with people who have illegal drug induced psychosis so a different set of people

One of the many psychiatrists suggested this for my DH, they also said he would be better in six months. They are clearly not infallible and I don’t think it applies to my DH either. The other psychiatrists haven’t flagged it either.

Does your DH have a private pension. Especially if a DB pension from the public sector he may be a candidate for ill health retirement. Just thought I would mention it in case it’s something you haven’t had time to explore. I know I have missed out on benefits we could have had earlier as I was just too busy, too badly advised and too overwhelmed to sort it.

Op l was similar. Stuck in paralysis for a year. I couldn’t pull myself out of it. I was just retreating further and further. I didn’t know what was happening to me. My mind and body just shut down.

He’s stuck.

How did you get out of it?

As my previous post.

Hypnosis worked where everything else failed. I was considering EMDR if that failed.

Once l believed l could get better, l started getting better. Then l started work with an OT from the LC clinic ( privately) who works with calming the nervous system.

Knowing what was causing everything blew my mind and that was a huge catalyst in getting better.

In June l was using a commode in the bedroom. Today, I’m up dressed, showered, tidied up and might go out a bit later. I’m still very tired and still get symptoms but I’m learning to ignore them. That’s what you have to do. The brain takes over and tries to protect you. The more scared you become the more it closes everything down. You have to break through that cycle.

I had crisis team out at Christmas, loads of emergency psychiatric appointments. They all did jack all. No one could help me. I laid in bed all day, couldn’t stand sound or light, couldn’t leave the bed, couldn’t think.

It was poor sh getting desperate that suggested hypnosis. I didn’t expect it to work, but it gave me motivation and belief.

It sounds like he has disassociated to protect himself. He’ll have been totally traumatised by what happened to him.

The children have grown up with a father who sounds like he has something of a ghost like presence in their lives

and a utterly overwhelmed and unhappy mother as a result of the above

The fact he doesn’t want better lives for his children…. Well, despicable

if he did want this… he would allow you to get whatever support would help

This sounds like an abusive situation Op sorry to say this - you won't want to hear it.

Being depressed does not give him the right to disgregard others feelings or control how you interact with and communicate with others.

Him being depressed does not mean you have no right to a happy life or marriage.

I used to get so frustrated with the 'Jekyll and Hyde' part.
People who didn't know my husband before his illness assumed this is who he was and how he has always been. They must have just thought I had married someone who was mentally ill and then in turn, I worried people would think I must also be mentally ill.
I was living my life through other people's eyes, constantly worried about what they thought.
The truth is, before the illness he was a completely different person. They just never got the chance to meet him then.
And I stopped trying to explain that to people.

I was naturally so, so stressed and panicky about his breakdown/psychosis, I stopped taking care of myself and just fed that negativity narrative. It didn't help that I was always worried about HIS mental state, or him turning up at my job and not knowing what state of mind he would be in. Then constantly having to ask for help and getting brick walls.
Looking back I commend myself for getting through it.

It became tiring trying to control a situation I couldn't control, so, I learned from this, and focused on what I could control. I stepped up my OWN game in response. I tried to keep myself busy. I work two jobs, 7 days a week and I went out and got myself a degree (part-time, evenings) to help increase my earning potential.
Most importantly, I kept my composure, started to really take care of myself and made sure that how I present myself to the 'world' is a LOT different from how I feel inside. But you know what. It works! I am more confident in myself and care a lot less what anyone else thinks.

We also started sitting at cafes and ordering a tea/coffee which got him used to sitting in public without judgement. Being surrounded by strangers helps because no one is interested. Everyone is too busy doing their own thing. And you get to be 'anonymous' plus it's so freeing to be away from people you know, who just keep on judging.
You can sit and talk, take a book, or just people watch and pass some time. It can be very therapeutic.

He actually lives independently from me. He was given assisted accomodation (through his psychiatrist) which has helped both of us. But I see him everyday. And things are slowly turning around. He is actually beginning to see I struggle and is making a huge effort to give me practical support in return. Now he comes and meets me from work (rather than turning up univited)

We've been though really tough struggles but I honestly regard him as my bestie. He will be cheering me on when I graduate soon.

Things can turn around. Stop putting all the focus on him. You can't control that side of things. But by changing your own way of thinking and doing, you just might find things start changing.

@Findingmypurposeinlife Thank you for your post. I'm feeling a bit despondent about it all today and your post has made me feel better. I think I would be happy if myself and DH ended up like this. I do feel like a carer rather than a wife. We live in the same house but I feel I have more of a carers role than a wife role, like today I'm working but before work I gave him a list of tasks to do-fill his medication blister pack for the week, have a shower, go for a 30 minute walk etc. I think I was despondent today because I can't see it being any different, even if he does recover. I don't think I can forget and go back to us going on holiday together or even popping out for lunch like we used to. I agree it's like I married a completely different person ( although for my husband there was always low level anxiety that was annoying because again it felt like I had to be the adult and do everything because he was worried about driving/work was too stressful etc). When I speak to my friends and family they say it's like I'm describing a completely different person too. I would like to live separately and have a separate life but I would still be willing and want to take care of him/ visit/make sure he was accessing treatment etc. I have made sure I've carved out time for myself and do my own thing and feel much happier than when I was just mired in the worry and stress about it all.

I know having to keep reminding them of tasks is so annoying. Someone actually once thought my husband was a homeless person when we went to a cafe one day. It was a member of staff and she told him not to sit there, that it was for paying customers. I was absolutely horrified (and gutted) But again, I used it as another turning point. I told him I wouldn't continue trying if he couldn't be bothered looking after himself. Bought him some new clothes and he actually started wearing them. Kept on and on about him grooming himself. I started taking him to the barbers for regular trims and then he just carried on doing himself because he could see it was costing me money. I even used to make him wear his key around his neck because he kept losing it. Then he progressed to a 'man bag'. When he did shower he would stay in there for 30 minutes causing an overflow and neighbours complained. Then he started to realise he was in a better place and was frightened of going back, so he bucked up his own ideas.
As he continues to recover, he starts to remember times when he was really bad. (Like really, really bad) And he has a lot of regret. But we talk it through and remembering those really difficult times reminds you of progress you have made.
I've had no choice in all this but to keep strong as I don't have any support network. No family, nothing. That's why my work is so important to me. It's my independence and stability. No matter what has happened, I've always made sure I keep working.
Slowly, slowly he is getting his own independence and is now more of a help than a hindrance. I make him collect stuff for me rather than vice versa! Try not to condition your husband to be dependent on you for everything. My husband actually takes his own meds now (at night) without reminders, because he likes that they help him sleep.
It wasn't easy to get him into assisted housing. We literally went through hell. But the psychiatrist referred him and he just received a call one day. He was constantly going missing, didn't want to attend appointments, and had no idea of reality - saying he was moving to the other side of the country with no thought process behind it. I told his psychiatrist I was studying and I provided a lot of evidence of various other things that we discussed (I was paranoid that she would think I was also mentally unwell and making stuff up as a lot of it seemed so far fetched but was actually true - so I proved it)
To actually be believed was such a relief. The sessions also helped me too. I was able to offload a lot of the stress I was feeling about everything, so she could see the effect it was having on me too. She always asked me why I stuck around. But I just did.
It's not a bed of roses by any means. But compared to how it was. Well, there is no comparison.
But, best of all, I have actually emerged from this so much stronger. I actually feel so empowered. I realise it could easily be me in his situation. (It could happen to anyone)

As I mentioned previously. Keep focusing on you. Don't let the situation determine who you are. Give that power back to you.

I would absolutely talk to my friends about this, no one can or should force you to keep a secret that isolates you to this degree.

It’s monumentally unfair.

And in your situation I would separate, it doesn’t sound like your husband would even care tbh.

@Findingmypurposeinlife that sounds horrific and you sound amazing! Yes I mentioned to the crisis team that I was concerned about being too enabling. As I said earlier its like the anxiety is just anxiety that he doesn't have to get over because he never has to face the actual consequences ( pay the bills, drive, buy food etc). It's so hard to balance the wanting him to access and get treatment and not being enabling. Yes, I'm determined to keep working and keeping paying for my gym membership so I still go swimming no matter what. I think eventually he'll have to live on his own because I do have a tendency to just ' do' things because its easier and I don't think its helping either of us really.

Agree. It's gone too far now. Also reach out to carers organisations.

@NoMoreCoffeeformethanks I think it helps to talk about it. To be fair, there is so much I haven't said here. I always say less (mostly because I don't think people would believe me if they heard everything!)
I met a woman (customer) at work a couple of years ago. In conversation she said she had had a breakdown (A very bad one) and was in recovery. I never forget her. She was easily one of the most naturally funny, open, easy to talk to people I have met. She didn't even realise how wonderful she was. Her story was an inspiration.
I also talked recently with a woman who's adult daughter had a breakdown and we swapped 'stories'. All so similar. It makes you realise you are not alone.
And I used to secretly like going to appointments with my husband. In the waiting room, there was never a time when the patients didn't make me laugh with their antics. (I laughed with them, not at them) Humour has such a wonderful way of taking the edge off a serious situation.
I became quite 'strict' with my husband. More out of pure frustration. Now he jokes I need to see the psychiatrist.
I did use to worry so much about what other people thought. But ironically, it's taught me to chill a bit. But, as I mentioned before, I always, always make sure I am well presented and take care of myself, as I am acutely aware of how people do judge. (Especially back in the day when my husband was suffering really bad unmanaged delusions. He would have sudden movements/tics and could be unpredictable with the things he said, including in public)
I've tried to teach him how to be less vulnerable. Now he is medicated, he has his lovely, calm personality back. I give him pep talks and let him know it is okay to say no to people without being rude. (He is very much a yes person) And he can be overly empathetic, because of his own experience - which can attract the attention of unscrupulous people.
The medication increases appetite so now he has been diagnosed with diabetes, but I'm encouraging him to make the right choices with food and I bought him some scales so he can feel in control and make his own decisions.
He is very protective towards me now. But in a healthy way. He is already planning Christmas (although I usually work most days so he is planning around this)
He actually feels guilty because now he is in a much 'better' mindset, he feels bad that I may be struggling. But somehow we have made this work. His experience encouraged me to get out and get a degree and I am forever working on my own self development, and he has taken inspiration from this and is working on himself.
I wish I could have reassured myself ten years ago (when this all started) that patience and consistency would pay off. There is still a LONG way to go, but if I measure by progress instead of by setbacks, it is very reassuring and gives me hope and motivation to keep going and to come out of this even stronger than before.

Ten years ago I was coming back from a psychiatry appointment with him on the train. (When he was at his worse) The train terminated early and I refused to get off. I just couldn't cope with trying to get him back the long way and I broke down. (Funnily enough, he was so shocked at my reaction, he went quiet - so I actually looked like the mentally ill one!) Other passengers started to get abusive to me because I refused to leave the empty train and I was terrified I was going to end up in trouble, but one woman (bless her) realised something wasn't right and alerted staff, who so kindly arranged a taxi for me the rest of the way home. It's moments like this that make me so thankful. For the 99% who didn't understand and were judgemental and abusive, the 1% who did help, were literally a life saver.
I try to be in that 1% now.
Incidentally, some people who knew him at his worst told me he would never get better. We bumped into one of those people recently and they were shocked at his 'transformation'. Not having everyone give up on you when you are at your worse probably helps.
I know personally what it is like to be completely alienated, isolated and alone. It's scary, very scary.
I bumped into someone I knew from before who said to me "You don't look like what you have been through". And that makes me so happy. I still carry it with me inside but I am proud that people would never know unless I told them.