Family/friends/colleagues no longer like my husband, but I cant tell them the truth

[Sosad971827]

My husband used to be social, friendly, chatty , funny and had some friends who he has been friends with since childhood, very close. He had a job that involved wining and dining clients, giving talks and networking.a people person.
Out of nowhere a few years ago he became very depressed after having covid. It was very strange as he was at the top of his game at the time. This got worse for 6 months until he had a complete breakdown and developed psychosis, delusions and paranoia. It was horrific. During this time he withdrew from work, family and friends as you would expect really but he forbid me from telling ANYONE what was wrong, not even our parents. I suspect he was ashamed/embarrassed/confused and was not in the right headspace at that time.
He went on to have some amazing mental health support and has taken many different medications and has been hospitalised once. During all of this i had noone to speak to or support me/kids. I was looking after him , our children and working full time as he couldn't work anymore.
Any family functions etc myself and the kids went to alone and had to make an excuse he was poorly. We went on holiday alone, went to family/friends at xmas alone etc
Over time i really started to struggle and after begging him did tell his parents and mine. His were useless, mine just wanted me to leave him.
Anyway fast forward 5 years , he is a completely different person. Whatever happened to him and the medication he takes have changed his brain. He is solitary, quiet, a hermit, shows zero emotion or empathy, and has pushed everyone away.
His best friend of 40 years no longer speaks to him. His dad died and my husband did not go to the funeral even though they had always been close, this must of hurt his friend tremendously.
Everyone comments to me on how unsociable he is and I deserve a medal being with him/ or why am I with him? Noone knows the truth and just think that hes rude/arrogant/miserable.
I feel so sorry for him but I dont think he has dealt with this in the right way. Any advice?

@Sosad971827 it isn’t the same as a stroke or brain damage where permanent and irreversible damage has occurred though is it. Becuase there is nothing to say the damage is permanent just that he won’t attempt to get better whilst the rest of you suffer

OP, you need to talk your friends about your own life. Your life is completely dominated by your husband's illness and his control. You need some support, because your hysband has not provided any to you for years now by tge sounds of it.

This is your precious life!

I’m reminded of

What will you do
With your one wild and precious life?

His expectation of secrecy was / is unreasonable especially when it has impacted on you so completely and utterly. It wasn’t something I feel you should have agreed to, and I would strongly suggest you are not bound by any promise given and that you should tell those around you. Seek their support and understanding and claw back some of the life YOU deserve.

Op have ypu looked into carers groups? You are a carer not a wife. I am in the same position. I just do what I have to do. I've told my friends andctheyvsupport me, and have reached out to local carers groups. Frankly, tough if he forbids it. Ypu are sacrificing your life for him. If he doesn't like it tough. What's he going to do? Hes made himself dependent on you.

@Familymanlondondad

OP your are me, exactly! But my DH did have strokes. He is mobile and healthy but like your DH, a changed person. I made vows “in sickness and in health”. And like you I love him. I am not going anywhere!

I think you're surrounded by the wrong people if everyone you know is saying how unsociable he is and that you need a medal. My friends OH is unsociable, I'd never dream of being so rude about the man she loves who is the father of her children. I've told people what I think when their partners have been abusive but other than that it would be wrong to be so negative about their husbands/ long term partners personality.

Can I ask what medication he is on? Do you go to the psychiatric reviews?

This sounds so tough for all involved. Covid can affect any organ including the brain. A covid infection also ruined my life, but in different ways. There are however, plenty of stories of adults and children similar to your husband’s on long covid support forums. Has he had a referral to a post covid clinic - they may be more able to help with meds etc. A quick google or search of pubmed will bring up research and studies on how covid can cause brain inflammation, can trigger depression, psychosis, behaviour changes etc. Some of these may reference drugs or treatments that have helped. Unfortunately, any specialist with a decent understanding of long covid will have a huge waiting list - there’s a lot of people desperate to get a bit of their lives back and alot of knocking on unhelpful doors. It took me a while to let my husband tell people - it’s hard dealing with such huge changes, especially when they’re so sudden - you assume you’re going to get better or at least not keep getting worse, it’s hard to admit to people just how little you are now capable of. Once you do tell people, many of them won’t understand anyway, but some may have a better understanding.

Speaking as someone who was married to a man with a severe and enduring MH problem until he died, you MUST access support for yourself. I’d start by going to your GP and telling them, and getting on the list for therapy. For me as a carer, the organisation Sane was really helpful. The school counsellor was wonderful with ds after Dh died, but actually it would have been a good idea to get ds whatever counselling, play therapy or social therapy was available while Dh was alive but unwell - it impacted him more than I realised.

All this is non negotiable - tell him you’re doing it, don’t ask him.

Telling other friends is harder. He’s not wrong about the stigma. And if he has had psychosis, being around other people genuinely is much more difficult. Again though I would prioritise trying to find some sort of outdoor activity you can do together, and tell him he needs to meet you halfway on this. Dh and I had some wonderful walks and cycle rides - it is amazing in this country how you can find total isolation not far from very crowded areas.

Also don’t give up trying to get him to try something creative, preferably with some kind of structure like an online course. Art, sculpture, craft, writing, music - something that allows him to express himself. I still live surrounded by dh’s artwork, it is beautiful and colourful and expresses the best of him.

Ask, and keep asking, to go to a psychiatrist appointment with him. Don’t let them forget about you and the children.

I experienced something similar with someone close. Psychosis, dellusions, strange behaviour. They were sectioned a few times. The police even sectioned them for their own safety but they were put on medication for a month, released with no care plan and they turned up at my work and the hospital refused to take responsibility. Things spiralled, I had to make high level complaints to mental health services and I finally got them seen for a proper consultation with a psychiatrist who finally listened and allowed me to be there for appointments. They were given proper medication but went through various different ones before they felt 'happy' with the medication they are now on. There are side effects. (They take them at night time which helps) I used to get really frustrated they were forgetful and slow but the psychiatrist explained it was the side effects of the meds and not their fault. Slowly, slowly I have seen significant recovery. (It's been about ten years since it all started)
It's honestly like going through a bereavement, but the person is still alive, just completely different. It was a hard time for me as I had also just lost both my parents and had no one else, so I also felt so disoriented. But it's made me stronger. And things have slowly become better.
I know there are many cases whereby someone can have a breakdown like this and lose everyone.
I am quite matter of fact about it now and I am very protective of them. The fact is, they were very ill and are now in recovery.
It could help to get a medication review (if you haven't already)
Also, try and encourage them to have as much independence as possible. Don't let them rely on you so much.
Eventually they will have to get used to doing things themselves and this can help with recovery.
Let your GP surgery know you are their care giver. They can and should offer some level of support.

Dr here. Has he had a second opinion from a psychiatrist?

Hobbies are needed here even simple things like colouring books.

It's ok to leave him if you ever want to. Do not feel guilty.

This happens more than you think.

what appeared to be mental health issues could have been an immune reaction to infection when he had Covid, immuno encephalitis causes symptoms such as anxiety, OCD, depression, tics, intrusive thoughts, paranoia. A good way to tell is to take nurofen and cetraxine (antihistamine) around the clock for two weeks. Also antibiotics if the gp will prescribe them (could do a throat swab for strep). People have suffered for years with incorrect diagnoses. Worth checking with the nurofen and antihistamine as if it has a positive effect you’ll know you’re on the right track. Google pans/pandas in adults. It’s v similar. An immune response to an infection that causes inflammation in the brain.

@Findingmypurposeinlife I just wanted to say that I have experienced this situation with a loved one that is practically identical to your experience. I especially relate to your feelings of grief. It’s not easy. Stay strong.

^^ This! It wasn’t fair to ask you to stay silent.

Also, I know it’s terribly difficult and perhaps a significant blow to a man’s pride, especially one who was very sociable before, but I can’t but help that part of recovery is being open to some trusted friends and family. He doesn’t have to tell everyone but just a few close friends who would understand,

Or perhaps he has severe MH problems and has withdrawn. Mental illness can totally change someone's personality.

The events of 2020 hit many people really hard. I had a severe depressive episode, became very anxious and paranoid, and I've never fully recovered. @Sosad971827, do you think your DH's illness is related to the pandemic or the riots that year? I know how hard it is to deal with all of this, and I hope he lets you know how important you are to him.

Why are you detouring and how is this helping the OP?

Jesus christ, the man is ill?

This

The forbidding and the "secret" is so unhealthy.
You also imply he will kill himself if you leave if i read right? Again incredibly unhealthy for you and the children. They are carrying this too

That is a very very heavy cross to bear.
You need to look after yourself for yourself and for the children. He cant unilaterally demand how everyone lives their lives.

My primary concern would be my children

They have been subjected to years and years of this morose, unhappy and depressed environment. I imagine they can’t remember they heard the last time their parents laughed.

For that reason, my marriage vows would be thrown aside and I’d have left with them Op. for their sake.

You are a fully grown adult and YOU need support. This isn’t all about him. Tbh I think you’re absolutely incredible for carrying this alone this whole time @Sosad971827. Tell your best mate everything, then also get some therapy for yourself. I would also consider leaving but I know that it’s a very difficult situation.

Alternatively phrased as women are now more able to leave a marriage which is making their life a misery.

Why should vows be more important than quality of life? Someone should really spend their whole life in a damaging relationship because they once said they would.

@Familymanlondondad did your wife believe in the sanctity of marriage re the lying and kiss on holiday that you started a thread about?

I really feel for you OP.

My dh had mental health problems and told me not to tell anyone. I felt like i was going under myself and was complicit in his shame, so i told the dc to tell whoever they needed to get the support they needed and i did the same. I told my own friends and family. It helped me a lot. I don't think we'd have got through it without.

Look after yourself. You matter just as much as he does. He's not putting you first so you need to.

You seem very loving and caring OP. And extraordinarily résiliant.
Afford yourself some love and care, and if that means confiding in one of your friends or someone close to you, so they can care a bit for you, I don’t think that is a betrayal of your husband.
People must be talking behind your backs and wondering what is going on, but talking to someone, will give you a little bit of control over the narrative.

take care of yourself.