Family/friends/colleagues no longer like my husband, but I cant tell them the truth

[Sosad971827]

My husband used to be social, friendly, chatty , funny and had some friends who he has been friends with since childhood, very close. He had a job that involved wining and dining clients, giving talks and networking.a people person.
Out of nowhere a few years ago he became very depressed after having covid. It was very strange as he was at the top of his game at the time. This got worse for 6 months until he had a complete breakdown and developed psychosis, delusions and paranoia. It was horrific. During this time he withdrew from work, family and friends as you would expect really but he forbid me from telling ANYONE what was wrong, not even our parents. I suspect he was ashamed/embarrassed/confused and was not in the right headspace at that time.
He went on to have some amazing mental health support and has taken many different medications and has been hospitalised once. During all of this i had noone to speak to or support me/kids. I was looking after him , our children and working full time as he couldn't work anymore.
Any family functions etc myself and the kids went to alone and had to make an excuse he was poorly. We went on holiday alone, went to family/friends at xmas alone etc
Over time i really started to struggle and after begging him did tell his parents and mine. His were useless, mine just wanted me to leave him.
Anyway fast forward 5 years , he is a completely different person. Whatever happened to him and the medication he takes have changed his brain. He is solitary, quiet, a hermit, shows zero emotion or empathy, and has pushed everyone away.
His best friend of 40 years no longer speaks to him. His dad died and my husband did not go to the funeral even though they had always been close, this must of hurt his friend tremendously.
Everyone comments to me on how unsociable he is and I deserve a medal being with him/ or why am I with him? Noone knows the truth and just think that hes rude/arrogant/miserable.
I feel so sorry for him but I dont think he has dealt with this in the right way. Any advice?

Isn’t it just.

@Sosad971827 you - and your children!! - are being abused. He could engage with therapy, but he doesn’t. You could seek help, but he doesn’t allow it. He doesn’t care about you and his family enough to make any real effort to change. Instead he just hides and drifts.

You owe it to your children to leave. By staying you are exposing them to untold and incomprehensible damage. save yourself and them. As a first step, tell people and start getting counselling.

OP, you say that without you and the children, your DH would have nothing to live for. If we turn this around, what exactly do you have to live for? You have the strain of being the sole earner, you are no doubt the only person caring for the teens. You have been relegated to a carer/support role in your marriage instead of wife. There's no socialising or holidaying as a family. It sounds very lonely. Even though he wants solitude, do you manage to get out regularly with your own friends? I feel sad for your DC that they've had to grow up with this. Have you and they, at the very least, accessed some counselling services to deal with your emotions? Even if they don't show it now, this will have a profound affect on the DC's own MH.

No you’re wrong.

Or do you mean the traditional value of grooming females to put up with any awful relationship if some sanctimonious twit bleats “Vows” at her

Or do you mean the traditional value that we have no comment to make on the man’s choices and the negative impact it is having on the lives of those around him, whom he presumably claims to love.

Or perhaps we mean a traditional value that in “sickness and health” applies to women being expected to still carry everything when they themselves are sick, whilst also being expected to carry everything when their husband is sick (that’s definitely being adhered to here).

Your simplistic cliched thoughts are useless against the complexity and multiple responsibilities that OP has to manage.

As a last point- you can stay married to someone without living with them. Rather than being oblique about what you are saying why don’t you come out and actually say what you mean.

1. You think the husband has not responsibility to try to get better
2. You think he is entitled to forbid her from seeking support
3. You think she should stay and sacrifice years of her life to his illness.
4. You think the children should be groomed to see this dynamic as normal and wholesome.

He’s stuck in his recovery. He’s created strict boundaries for what’s manageable and expects you and the kids to accept that.
The only way anything will change is if he is willing to try to get better, which will involve going out and building his confidence back up.
Whilst you should respect his privacy you should also be able to talk to people about what you are going through. You could tell your friends he has a long term illness that he doesn’t want discussed.

I had a breakdown 8 years ago I had a lot of therapy and worked hard on myself to get back into work and life again. In the early days my best friends dad died and I couldn’t go to the funeral my best friend must have been hurt but she understood.

Is this Long Covid?

Sounds like his body is in shutdown. I was similar. His brain is stuck. Has anyone spoken to him about calming his nervous system?

Covid dysregulates the nervous system. I had a year of this. It was horrific.

What helped me? Hypnosis helped a lot. Then l worked with an OT from the LC clinic about fight/flight and freeze. It made me understand that my brain was trying to protect me.

In 8 weeks I’ve gone from lying in bed crying all day to meeting friends next week.

Medication helped but didn’t solve it. Counselling made it worse. It made me feel shame.

Look up poly vagal shutdown. It’s what they talk about at L C clinics. Let me find the slide. He’s in the red zone. He’s probably very traumatised as are you. This might help him out of trauma. He actually need exposure therapy.

What was his childhood like?

In all these years that he’s been suffering / wallowing…. Have you been on holidays with the children? Had fun times? Experiences?

He swore you to secrecy over something that impacted you so significantly? Do you not realise how hugely unfair that is? I’m with your parents I’m afraid.

That is you absolutely should LTB and put yourself and your kids first from now on.

He is being horribly unfair. Why should his mental health matter more than yours?

You need to reach for the help you need coping with his needs too.

There's no chance I would have kept that quiet. You absolutely cannot sacrifice yourself and your children to that end. You need to tell and free yourself

This is very sad for you all , but what about your life , your hopes and dreams , your future and your children. I would suggest you get counselling asap.

Hi OP, my DH has LB dementia. I do think you need to speak to some close friends so they understand what you are going through and that you have your own support. Recognise that dealing with someone's mental health is at least as difficult for you, if not harder than the person with the problems and these challenges can go on for many years. You do need to make sure that your DH has access to a range of therapies to support him and help him live the best life he can. Talking therapies as well as a review of the medication are essential. IME it is possible to get good support, but you have to be quite persistent. MH support within the NHS is underfunded and if you do not push nothing happens.

I am am always a bit concerned on MN as to how many posters simply say leave someone with MH issues. I would ask everyone to think how they would feel if they find themselves in serious mental health need.

I don’t think he can help it…

He has no right op, this is your life too. Tell him the last few years have been very difficult for me, and I need to be able to share with my friends and family, if you want to divorce me because of that it’s your prerogative, but I am going to share. Your kids only have you, and he doesn’t get to dictate to you on this.

@Sosad971827 I haven't read everyone else's responses but just wanted to say I think you are doing amazingly but you can't pour from an empty cup.

I was the daughter, rather than the wife, in a similar situation with both my parents. There were lots of other things going on as well which aren't relevant here. But what I have learned the hard way is:

(1) Hiding serious and significant MH issues away is in no one's best interests. Your DH needs support to be well, but you are entitled to support to stay well. Even if you walked away, you have children with him and you will be inextricably tied to him through your children for the rest of your lives. You need to build your support network for the future. Forbidding you from discussing this with anyone is unacceptable. Both my parents did this with me and it has bitten us 30+ years on - in ways I could never have imagined - when trying to get them help for cognitive decline and spiralling MH issues at the same time. I have literally had no one to turn to, as no one believed they were ill. It has ultimately caused one of them direct harm too as well meaning, but ultimately wrong, family members put the wrong support in for them.

(2) If you have been successful, gregarious etc it must feel like you have lost everything when you suddenly lose all the things you prided yourself on. I can understand why your DH wants to hide away. He is grieving for his former self, as are you. But even after all that (1) still applies. If he won't give you permission to discuss it with people, then you will need to beg for forgiveness later.

(3) From bitter experience, family are often the least supportive. Denial is hugely powerful as an emotion and coping strategy. It serves no one. Find a different source of support. But choose wisely. Start with a professional to help you work through your emotions and to decide what you might be comfortable sharing with others in the future. In the early days I disclosed too much to friends and family I thought would understand and who decided it was too much.

(5) By being the loving supportive wife, keeping this all hidden away, you are inadvertently teaching your children that speaking about MH issues is problematic. This is not a lesson they need to learn. They have also lost their Dad as they knew him. They need time to grieve too and they need to be able to process that. Otherwise later down the line, they too could have a crisis which ultimately they end up locking themselves away at home for. Do you really want that in their future?

I don't know how old you are, but you sound wonderful. And this must be heartbreaking. But after 5 years you have done your best, you are through the initial crisis and need to plan for what this all looks like in the longer term. He isn't going to come back how he was before, so what does your future look like? If it is with him... what do you need to make that happen? If it is without him... same question.

You can't walk on eggshells indefinitely. You and your children need to be able to talk about this.

Good luck

I have been thinking about marriage vows and perhaps how lightly we might take them. ‘In sickness and in health, for richer and poorer till death does us part’.

I know from personal experience what it is to live with someone suffering from severe mental health issues. There have been a lot of challenges in my own marriage too. It is worth reflecting on what those vows really mean .

OP you to find ways to support yourself and your children. Perhaps you need to tell your husband that he must be willing to engage with more routes to help his wellbeing for you to be able to stay in the marriage. He needs hobbies and interests. You need counselling and support too. Is there a support group for carers near you? Just to be able to talk to others in the same situation may be a game changer. Unfortunately many people have no idea how to deal with mental health challenges and family and friends can be very disappointing in their response, even if they know what is going on.

@Cyclebabble re the leaving someone with MH problems. I agree to an extent (Im still here) but there is I suppose the hope that if they were left to their own devices they would be more likely to access treatment. In my case, I did go to counselling with my husband. He said he was worried about money, but he has no money worries really, because I have them all. I am the one paying the bills and juggling the reduced money. He has driving anxiety but that just means I do the driving. I do think if he had to face these things he would be more likely to access treatment. What I cant do is have him live in a house share because that's all he would be able to afford on housing benefit and I don't want to sell our house as yet while our kids are doing exams so I agree it is far more complicated to do than it is to say.

OP, it's not right that he gets to forbid you to tell people. You need the support and, while we can argue about the meaning of the marriage vows and the "sickness and health" issue, I think we can all agree that marriage should NOT mean one person making a blanket decision that affects the other person, and the other person not having any say in the matter. I'm not saying leave him but I do think you need to tell people the truth, if it will help you.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow that as may be, it’s time for the OP to prioritise her own mental health.

We have an ongoing issue (with a neighbour sadly) and have tried our best for over 3 years .

It took an invested professional to ask me why I continued to put this persons MH before mine/ours.

It was a lightbulb moment. While I can appreciate she needs help / support etc - it shouldn’t be to the utter demise of MY mental health & well being.

OP has done what he asked, been supportive, reasoned & understood. For YEARS.

It’s time for her to protect herself and start to heal. To live and find peace and joy again.

Hi, OP.
I have read all your posts.
I see your situation as one similar to a kind of imprisonment. I am sorry, i am not trying to be harsh. You have no support and you can not even speak with him about this issues. You are stuck.

You say he doesn't remember what it was like when he is at his worse and he can not understand how it affects you. As he has lost that ability, then he CANNOT be the one calling the shots on you manage this huge change in your lives. He has MH illness, you do not.

In MH illness, the person always and only does what is comfortable for them. And this does not lead to healing and recovery.

At the moment, he has created a little bubble which he refuses to step outside off. That bubble is only possible because you and the kids are there providing him with company, food, clean home, shopping, interacting with the outside world on his behalf so he is not going to get better.
And his mental health team are not going to push him because he is being looked after. Imagine if he didn't have you (& DC) as a resource, his team will be more active in getting him out of this bubble.

I am not saying you should leave him, it's clear you do not want too or feel you can. I can't help but think the current situation is assisting in (i hate to use this word) enabling him in continuing in his current mode. So something has to give.

For him, maybe a different approach, e.g you start stepping back a little, you (&DC) can start seeking some respite time away from him (he goes away or you & DC go away).

For you, start seeking support for yourself, talking to close friends etc you will see how different and better you feel. Don't stay in this limited/restricted living he has imposed upon you (and DC).

Also, maybe hearing from (or seeing his friend) may trigger him to start trying outside his comfort zone since he doesn't want people to see him as one with MH challenges. Obviously, this or other similar strategies tbd with his mental health team.

He has to try. If he wants his family.

You have to try. Try something for yourself.

He can't live like that forever. YOU CAN'T LIVE LIKE THAT FOREVER.

Welldone on being such a supportive partner and coping with the kids, your partner and with life.

Thanks and it is very hard. I have never felt so lonely or isolated. Everything comes back to me and then there is all the practical stuff around finance, household work and for me the care of DH. If DH for a prolonged period just did not engage and would do nothing, then I do think at some point you have a decision to make. However at a personal level I would be working really hard to help him sort this and get to the best life you can. I would be pushing the GP and other support services for more help. In particular a medication review and looking at what other therapies might help.

^ this
yes it is his information but you can be vague, this impacts you too. Don’t let yourself become isolated as well.

…”his parents were useless and mine wanted me to leave him.”

With the above reaction (or him knowing that would be their reaction), it’s not surprising he feels shame and embarrassment and wants to keep it a secret.

You are an amazing wife, but you and your DC really need to be able to speak to kind and understanding people you can trust, and also support groups to help you through this.

It’s a massive load for you and your DCs to carry and it will help to lift the burden in so many ways.

At this point of your DH’s recovery, he doesn’t need to know. I would also speak to his friend of 40 years in confidence, and plan to one day reintroduce them when the time is right, but obviously only if he is kind and understanding, because your DH will need the right people around him, and not ones that don’t understand MH illness (like so many that sadly clearly don’t at all on this thread).

Good luck 💐

How long has it been since he worked or when his stat sick pay ended?

If it's less than 3 years please look into new style ESA - people too unwell to work can claim that based on their NI contributions and it can be paid even if they have a partner who works.

Sorry that is so tough to deal with. I do agree though about how easily people say LTB which is so very inappropriate . It is leaving an ill person which it’s fine to chose to do but they are no ‘bastard’ and their selfishness is not deliberate. My DH has done all the ‘treatment’ and taken all the drugs and while much better than at his worst he isn’t a well man. He attended a small event at his parents about six months ago and this was one of those out of the comfort zone things. He has been much worse since. I don’t enable his illness as do everything but I allow it to ease. The narrative of enabling applies to the lazy not the desperately ill.But again we don’t like to believe that a brain can break in the same way a body can.
OP I do agree you have to be the director of what your future looks like and that will mean you have to put your needs first sometimes. Your DH won’t be able to do that for you. I am selfish in so many ways and it means I am supported by chats and weekends away and nights out. Sometimes I have to get support in to go but that is a cost worth paying. I am taking up a new hobby at the moment and my life continues to flourish. I wish the same for you OP.