Did you do 'checks' on a new boyfriend? (Eg disclosure schemes)

[GreyCarpet]

I didn't.

I've had cause to check someone before (not someone I was dating) and work in a safeguarding role so I'm not oblivious but I'd known him for several years as a friend and wouldn't have dated him if I'd felt the need to check.

He asked me outright a couple of weeks ago if I had (we were discussing the case which brought about Claire's Law). I was a bit surprised by the question, tbh.

And he seemed quite surprised that I hadn't but accepted that I wouldn't have dated him if I'd thought I had any reason specifically to do so. He'd assumed I just would have done given the level of violence against women and children.

I just wondered if it was something many women did really.

Do you have children op?

Hi OP I’ve been wondering this too. I’ve started dating someone and questioning whether to check just to be sure really. I don’t have any reason to believe he has a history. He has been involved in a situation as a victim of stalking and harassment and made an application for a non molestation order as a result, again I have no reason to disbelieve what he is telling me but part of me wants to just make sure that there isn’t more to this too.

I also work in safeguarding and encourage all parents to make checks but those parents are very vulnerable and have a history of attracting men who pose a risk etc. I’ve also been wondering if generally everyone does this, particularly if meeting on OLD and don’t know the person at all.

I don’t believe you can check ‘just in case’. I believe you need to have cause for concern and the police will interview you before any disclosure to find out your reason for doing this check. Otherwise anyone could just request files on anybody.

I think the fact that he’s asked is a bit sus though! Who would do that unless they wanted to know if they should be worried…

I haven’t done any official checks (beyond some light googling to confirm he is who he says he is) but I waited a full year before he even met my DD - in that time I met his family and friends and got a good measure of who he is as a person.

Indeed, you can’t “just in case” check and odd the Op, working in safeguarding, wouldn’t already know this

I haven’t previously but I absolutely would in future. No matter how perfect they seemed because previous abusive partners didn’t present as the abusive a$$holes they turned in to. They we polite, charming and lovely … that’s how abusers work to get their victims

What “checks” would you do?

This. You can’t ask the police to run checks ‘just in case’, there has to be cause for concern. The police service would be totally overwhelmed otherwise.

The best way to safeguard DC is to not allow new men into their lives for a good amount of time, and be discerning in your own judgement.

I didn’t because I had known my now-partner through friends for a number of years, had met some of his family, etc. Arguably I should have though. If I met someone through OLD for example I defo would do a Clare’s Law check.

How long have you been with him op?

For Clare’s law all you would need to say is that you’re in a new relationship & feel unsure about someone’s past, you really don’t need any concrete “cause for concern”- being uneasy is enough.

Same for Sarah’s law, all you would need to say is that you’re a bit worried about someone who is in regular contact with your child. You don’t need any evidence of abuse, you just need to be concerned and explain that to police e.g. maybe you heard a rumour etc.

That is simply not true

Agree. These are intrusive searches into someone’s past and they are not carried out lightly.

The police will carry out checks and will refer any information to a local multi-agency panel for a decision as to whether to make a disclosure.

It is frustrating when posters post definitively on something they clearly know f*ck all about

Privacy laws means there needs to be good reason to run background checks on a person. This applies even for dbs, of which there are different levels of check and an individual or organisation needs to be able to justify the search based on official guidelines.

The idea that you can just request police background checks for every man you meet on dating apps is ludicrous! Can you imagine the amount of work this would generate for already over stretched and under funded police departments..

To answer the actual question though I never have because I’ve been with my husband since we were kids ourselves really, so have never had a reason to.

If I was to become single now and was dating again though I honestly don’t know, it’s something I’d seriously consider depending on the circumstances. I have two young children to think about now so it’s about more than me, if I had met someone via OLD or something similar and so only knew of them basically what they had told me I would seriously consider it.

I appreciate there is always some risk even if you know the person but at least if it’s someone you/your friends/your family have known for years then it’s less likely there are any huge skeletons in the closet because someone would have known or heard something. The risk with OLD if you have no mutual friends etc is you end up in a situation where everything you know about a person is what they themselves tell you, so they just won’t share the scary or ugly bits (if there are any).

The poster posting the nonsense won’t accept this though

It is absolutely true :)

Of course you can make a request through Clare’s /Sarah's law. The authorities then decide if there's information you should receive based on your relationship with the subject. People who are laughing and saying you can't do this are ridiculously misinformed.

What do people think Clare’s law is?

You do have to laugh. People with absolutely no idea whatsoever what Clare’s/Sarah’s law are spouting complete rubbish- you’d hope women would be better informed, or at least not speak on things that haven’t a clue about in a way that could put someone off doing it when they perhaps really need to.

I checked on a previous partner, my only concern was that his response to criticism was a bit 'off'. Just a concern/unease and I had no issue requesting or getting disclosure back under Clare's Law

If I was ever single again I seriously wonder if I would bother dating. I read so much on here that scares the bejeesus out of me. On a societal level we have a real problem with male violence (I know, not all men).
Why would I bother?

I agree with pp this sound like an odd thing to ask!

That’s a reason though. Rather than wanting a police background check on every man you meet via dating apps, because you don’t know their friends and family.

People can by all means do their own research but expecting the police to spend finite time and resources conducting searches on men for no other reason other than being on a dating app, is silly.