Did you do 'checks' on a new boyfriend? (Eg disclosure schemes)

[GreyCarpet]

I didn't.

I've had cause to check someone before (not someone I was dating) and work in a safeguarding role so I'm not oblivious but I'd known him for several years as a friend and wouldn't have dated him if I'd felt the need to check.

He asked me outright a couple of weeks ago if I had (we were discussing the case which brought about Claire's Law). I was a bit surprised by the question, tbh.

And he seemed quite surprised that I hadn't but accepted that I wouldn't have dated him if I'd thought I had any reason specifically to do so. He'd assumed I just would have done given the level of violence against women and children.

I just wondered if it was something many women did really.

I only check if my intuition tells me to, first place I check is Google, then the newspaper archives if I’m really digging. Never asked for a police disclosure before.

it hasn’t failed me yet- last time my spider senses were tingling, I found out someone I was seeing had been arrested for murder years ago… case still unsolved, short lived relationship- obviously! Have not had reason to look current partner up.

I did checks on a guy I dated.
I’d actually dated him 30yrs ago & we had had a lot of fun, he was lovely, but went our separate ways as it was the wrong time for us.
He got in touch with me after Covid & we were in a long distance FWB situation.
He was going through a bitter divorce (aren’t they always) & seemed to have quite a grievance against his ex-wife plus his eldest daughter hadn’t wanted to see him for 2 years despite court orders. He was still seeing his younger child.

Most of the time he was the man I’d known 30yrs ago but if he thought about the divorce he became a different man - not violent or aggressive, just not the affable man I’d known 30yrs ago & as he’d always been really easygoing, it did concern me.
All was ok.
The police woman I spoke to said the eldest daughter was now of an age that she would prefer to see her mates so not necessarily a bad sign & he was still being allowed to see his younger daughter. As for the bitterness against his wife? A usual thing in divorce cases.
She told me not to worry but of course if something was to happen between us then to let them know.
I was beginning to have a lot of empathy for his ex-wife so I ended things after 6mths. I had the perfect excuse about the long distance. We still send each other Xmas cards…

hmmmm perhaps I was wrong!

from Sussex police:

Example three
Stephanie initially had no concerns about her new boyfriend, Marcus but her support worker told her about Clare’s Law and she submitted an application just to make sure.

www.sussex.police.uk/police-forces/sussex-police/areas/campaigns/campaigns/clares-law---domestic-violence-disclosure-scheme-dvds/

Yes you were, but you'd a lot of idiots agreeing with you. A five second google would have stopped the spread of dangerous misinformation.

Did it come back clear?

No. You’re not. This is an example of a vulnerable person who has a support worker. We do not know if there is a history of prior domestic abuse, there is minimal information here.

The website is very clear that there needs to be cause for concern.

That’s a strong statement.
You’d think that anyone who feels the need to carry out a disclosure would Google themselves. A random post on Mumsnet isn’t exactly going viral to ‘spread misinformation’.

I asked this before and the general consensus was no not to do it as it isn’t a “dating aid” to help your love life 🙄 wish I knew about it before as I found out my ex had gone to prison before we met and it was too late as I was pregnant at that point! But remember it’s not a dating aid 🤷🏼‍♀️

I did a Claire’s law request on a guy I had been on a couple of dates with. He was outwardly perfect… but something didn’t add up.
Didnt, receive a response back to my request.

More recently I went on a date with someone who I knew through similar social circles (so would presumably be “safer”). Out of interest I googled him and he was as on the sex offenders register for assaulting a woman when drunk.

I’m 35 single 7 years. This is highly unlikely to ever change due to the market of men, but if I did ever meet someone yes I would. Ofc no disclosure doesn’t mean someone is automatically safe, but the information if there was any could save me a relationship with a scumbag.

Thank goodness you googled him. I agree that sadly it’s not ‘safer’ even if you know of a man through social circles. People can present a certain way in public and behave very differently behind closed doors.

It is truly terrible the amount of abusive men and how vigilant we as women have to be. Exhausting.

There really are so many. Certainly makes being single a very comfortable choice for me.

Well, often it’s the safer choice! Especially when there are children involved.

Saying that, I met my husband on a dating app! So it is possible, but it’s certainly a quagmire to wade through.

I did a Claires Law, not because I had any cause for concern but just thought it would be sensible too before introducing him into my daughters life

I did a check on one guy because he moved in fast and an alarm bell had rung from something he said about a previous relationship. I actually think it’s reasonable to do it for all new relationships. Someone I know only found out her boyfriend was a convicted nonce when she got pregnant and SS got involved. Another found out her boyfriend had been to prison for GBH when the police raided her house. But if you wouldn’t usually do it and you get the urge to for someone in particular then that is obviously a red flag

And still you persist
spouting utterly inaccurate posts

I know! And the amount of people who know him and I who would say “Ah Jason is such a great lad!” (Not his real name!) I think those who know what happened with the SA incident have been convinced by him that it wasn’t as it seems and he was made an example of by the judge… but it’s not a risk I’d be willing to take. Conviction rates for sexual abuse and rape are pitifully low so the fact he was convicted says enough for me.

You’re honestly really embarrassing yourself, not to mention spreading misinformation which could put women off.

Educate yourself.

@bluecurtainspinkwindows Yes absolutely. There must have been pretty solid evidence to secure a conviction. They all say they’ve been ‘made an example’ of. I wouldn’t believe it either.

@Mrsttcno1 all the information I've been able to find online, including the Clare's Law site, the government website and a range of regional police force sites are clear that you need you be worried they may have been abusive in the past and believe they may pose a risk to you (or your friend or relative) in future. Obviously, 'being worried' is highly subjective, but it indicates that there is a presumption that you legitimately have this concern (and aren't just saying you do), and not that you can just check any potential partner as a matter of course.

Are your interpreting this differently, or do you have a link to other information which contradicts it?

Good grief
You are something

Just a heads up @Mrsttcno1 has been pulled up on other threads for talking out her ass before

so prob my best ignored by us on this thread

@TriciaMcMillan This is my understanding also. If a woman is vulnerable in some way and/or has a history of domestic violence then I believe this is also just cause.

This is a police check which costs time and money, there’s also privacy laws to consider. This can’t be used as part of a dating filter on the apps, which seems to be what some posters are suggesting. How would that work, logistically and practically, if every woman requested a Claire’s Law search for every date? It’s not feasible.

And even if the police find something, the police then had to consult multi agencies to see if the informtion should even be released to the applicant.

This is something i went through (i am a guy)

I had a stalker /harassing ex before and she was arrested for coming to my house and stealing my car key when she was drunk. a woman i dated 10 years after told me after she did the checks and I do not know how it is worded but it made it seem like I WAS THE ONE who did all this to her and police have refused to tell me what it says or how to resolve this.

It's a good thing to do but in some cases it may not show the true picture.