Selfish friend expects me to pay high price when on low income

[Delly9]

My friend is quite selfish. She always expects to go to expensive restaurants when we meet up. She has a 38k a year job and 12k rental property income - she told me this. Her parents also paid a large chunk of the 4 bed house she lives alone and she told me this. She does not have a mortgage.

I am only on 27k. Why does she thinks it’s acceptable to expect me to pay £30 for a meal at a restaurant. The one time she had this ‘voucher’ and I still had to pay £25 for the meal.

This time round she found this ‘Table’ scheme where you pay £8 fee to get 50% off the meals. Well it’s not 50% if you have had to pay a fee. I looked at the menu and it says there is a 12.5% service charge on the menu. It’s doesn’t say it can be removed. She said it’s too late to cancel. I am seething. I feel like just getting a bowl of soup as that will end up being a reasonable price. Most meals are £30 at this place.

I am really annoyed with her. She always says she has no money but goes to a concert or gig every month and stays in a hotel which all of this costs hundreds of pounds and she goes abroad a few times a year. She isn’t poor as she can afford this and these expensive meals. I think she forgets what she tells me.

I am not jealous but she has lots of disposable income but expects me to fork out when I am not on the same income and I have to pay bills and mortgage.

It's a local tapas restaurant - really lovely food and their house wines are pretty decent, but I'm not a wine buff by any means haha. It just goes down nicely with their tapas!

Just say you don't want to go to those places. Suggest somewhere you'd like to go - maybe a picnic or just a coffee and cake?

This sounds a bit sensible.

Why are you friends with someone who is so inconsiderate of your situation? As others have said you need to put your foot down and say no to her. Let her complain, save yourself some money.

Most wealthy people I know are prone to saying they have no money. What they mean is that they have no money for those Beyonce tickets or that new Range Rover, not that they don't have money to pay the bills. Nobody ever thinks they have enough money.

Why do you go? No one’s holding a gun to you. Very odd.

Why are you bending over backwards for this friend, then coming on here to slag her off. You can say no - you can say you can’t afford it - but you have just bent over backwards to accommodate this selfish friend (in your own words) - this is very much a you problem - you need to say no, and if not, then really - what are you asking? If she’s selfish? Yes. But she doesn’t know how you really feel about her so….

Use your words.

She is not a mind reader. If you cannot afford it say that.

Doesn’t sound resentful??? that’s the point of the whole post she resents what she sees as her friends off behaviour.

but everything op is doing is a choice op is making, no one is forcing her to do it.

Ah OP, I know everyone is saying speak up, but sometimes friendship dynamics drift into one person pushing the other to do things over time, and before you know it, you're stuck in a position you don't want to be. But if she isn't twigging that what she's doing is making you so uncomfortable, do you actually want to continue with the friendship?

TBH I don't get why are you even going out for dinner with her.
If you can't afford it just meet for coffee and cake. A good friend would respect your financial position.

If she makes arrangements without consulting you first, that's her problem and she bears the costs.

Just tell her, "No, that time/venue doesn't work for me."

Until she gets the message.

This comment is unhelpful and unnecessary. She's just explaining the difference in income and expectations. Although I don't understand why she just doesn't explain that she can't afford it. Sounds like the friend is entitled to me. Expecting everyone to fall in with her plans.

i think you sound quite passive-agressive. She’s your friend, tell her you can’t afford it if you can’t afford it ( before she books it) . Or next time, you pick the place. If she doesn’t want to go to places you can afford them you can reconsider what you guys do together.
when I was a broke postgrad student we did a lot of meals at each other’s flats to save money and then would go for a drink in bellushis or the pub with pints for 2.5 .. just try telling her explicitly instead of getting angry with your friend on the internet?

Minimum wage is aporox £24k, so they don't earn much above this. £38k is about average, it's the additional rental income & lack of mortgage that makes the friend much more wealthy.

Some people are very good at spending someone else's money directly or indirectly. £30 is quite good for dinner but if you can't afford it then you can't. Either don't go or make this the last time.

You'll have to tell her next time you can't afford it.

OP she is probably booking the early bird meals as she is TRYING to eat in nicer places but aiming to do so to accommodate your budget? Maybe she isn’t this inconsiderate dragon, and actually is saying we need to compromise on eating early to accommodate your budget without telling you that so you don’t feel bad? Because nobody wants a meal at 5pm whether work or no work.

Suggest restaurants you can afford and if she pushes then say no. Need to be a bit more vocal. Sounds like you’re moaning a lot and perhaps being a bit passive agressive with it rather than having a sensible chat.

Remember that your friend can't make you do anything at all. You're choosing to go along with her whilst seething!
The word 'No' is your friend. Say no to whatever she suggests, suggest a restaurant you can afford and if she won't go, propose that you just meet for a coffee instead. Or invite her round to your place for a cheese sandwich.

I know someone like this, she isn't selfish, just books things she'd like to do and doesn't think about cost. I used to always say yes but feel hard done by. Now I say, no thanks that place is too pricey for me! She goes with another friend and we just tend to meet for coffee! Just tell your frien that you can't afford restaurants for a while but are happy to meet for coffees.

@Delly9 The only reason I see people having a "go at you" is because you are refusing to put on your big girl panties and be honest with your friend. You are letting her walk all over you and make all the decisions.

Tell her what you can afford and either you both work out a place that is right for both of you, or you switch to coffee/dessert meet-ups or a meal at one of your homes.

Until you tell her what is happening and how you are feeling, she isn't going to know. You don't have to be mean, but you can be blunt and honest.

This is your problem not hers. Because you have no boundaries or you haven’t been clear in communicating them.

She is not a mind reader. Maybe a bit thoughtless perhaps but not everyone considers everyone else if they keep quiet again and again and as you don’t have any boundaries she doesn’t know where yours are so keeps doing it.

Do the emotionally mature thing and write down for yourself what you are and are not prepared to do. Invite her for a coffee and have a grown up conversation where you let her know what you can and cannot do and what the consequences will be if she books you for stuff you haven’t agreed to. Then stick to it.
If she trashed your boundaries and still behaves that way, despite reminding her then it’s time to call the friendship quits.

I think you’re the one missing the point. I get that the OP’s budget is under £30 regardless. But it makes a massive difference to whether the friend is in the wrong - which is what OP is asking about - whether we’re talking about £30 for an entire meal or £30 for a main course. (And crucially, in nine pages, OP has failed to clarify this.)

If we’re talking a very fancy place where the mains would actually be £60 without this voucher, then yes, OP’s friend needs to read the room a bit better and acknowledge that this is not the kind of night out someone earning £27k can afford. If it’s £30 per head including two courses and drinks, OP needs to a) realise it won’t be that easy to find a significantly cheaper option and b) come up with some options of her own.

To be fair, £30 isn’t ‘expensive’…had lunch at a local pub yesterday with a friend, both had a soft drink then a coffee after, it came to pretty much £30 each! If you can’t afford it, say so to get up front..don’t bitch about it on here! Sounds a little like you’re jealous of her life and her financial situation..

Why put it all on the friend? Why is it up to her to be psychic?

From the friend’s point of view, she may well have thought she was doing OP a favour by finding a way to have a £60 meal for £30.

not agreeing with you doesn't mean people aren't being helpful!

It's not like people are bragging saying that to them £30 is cheap. You are slagging your friend off, making comments about her expensive lifestyle and being selfish for expecting you to pay "high prices", etc. but, objectively, you're wrong. She's not expecting you to go to particularly fancy places if £30 is the cost of a meal and a drink. A meal and drink would be about £22 in nandos! Even burger king or McD's are well over a tenner.

Your friend is inviting you out to what sounds like very normal places. You're annoyed at her for not psychically knowing you can't afford them. When she tried to find somewhere with a good deal you don't like that either. Then you come online and slag her off. If she's that 'cheap' and unreasonable why do you even want to go out with her?