Selfish friend expects me to pay high price when on low income

[Delly9]

My friend is quite selfish. She always expects to go to expensive restaurants when we meet up. She has a 38k a year job and 12k rental property income - she told me this. Her parents also paid a large chunk of the 4 bed house she lives alone and she told me this. She does not have a mortgage.

I am only on 27k. Why does she thinks it’s acceptable to expect me to pay £30 for a meal at a restaurant. The one time she had this ‘voucher’ and I still had to pay £25 for the meal.

This time round she found this ‘Table’ scheme where you pay £8 fee to get 50% off the meals. Well it’s not 50% if you have had to pay a fee. I looked at the menu and it says there is a 12.5% service charge on the menu. It’s doesn’t say it can be removed. She said it’s too late to cancel. I am seething. I feel like just getting a bowl of soup as that will end up being a reasonable price. Most meals are £30 at this place.

I am really annoyed with her. She always says she has no money but goes to a concert or gig every month and stays in a hotel which all of this costs hundreds of pounds and she goes abroad a few times a year. She isn’t poor as she can afford this and these expensive meals. I think she forgets what she tells me.

I am not jealous but she has lots of disposable income but expects me to fork out when I am not on the same income and I have to pay bills and mortgage.

It's not difficult.

'Sorry X, turns out I can't leave work early on Friday so I'm not going to be able to join you for dinner. If it means you have to cancel let me know and I'll ping you over the £4 for cancellation.'

Then never arrange to go to dinner with her again. If she suggests, plans or books anything say 'Sorry, I can't afford to go out for dinner right now' or simply 'Sorry, that doesn't work for me. Maybe another time'.

Why are you being such a doormat and pandering to everything she asks OP? Just say no!

You know that you don't have to go.
You can say to her I've told you I don't want this, I cant afford it and im not going.
You don't even have to turn up to this thing shes booked. You really don't have to.

You don't have to do what she wants and you dont have to spend money you don't want to spend.

You are choosing to do this because? I'm assuming you prefer to spend the money rather than deal with her reaction when told no?

When you get to a point where your lack of money is more important than her being cross with you then you will be able to stand up to her.

The thought of standing your ground is more scary than the reality of doing it.

Trust me. I'm a former people pleasing doormat and tortured myself for years. When I finally stood up for myself it was such a relief.

Stop being so fucking wet @Delly9

“i work till 5pm, earliest I can get there is 6pm, book it for 6.15 earliest, ill see you there.”

she’s making you bend over backwards because she’s tight, and at the same time making you spend way more than you want to spend

just tell her you’ll leave it this time, and will send her new dates and suggestions for where to meet.

It sounds to me that she's trying but is perhaps misguided? When I was young and not earning much we'd go to each other's houses for dinner, and share costs. But the other issue is that eating out is really expensive these days, even fast food costs a lot. In fact during the summer we'd invite our friends (all adults and earning) to our house for a takeaway and split the bill.

So you perhaps need to just be honest and say that you want to spend time but invite her over, or suggest other things. I'd be upset if I was your friend for constantly trying to make plans to see you with you complaining that they are too expensive. That may be the case but you need to do some planning too

If she’s that good a friend, just tell her you can’t afford it. Why is that an issue?

No, I'm asking for clarification. Because I agree Op probably isn't talking about multiple courses and alcohol if she is on a budget, but most people seem to be reading it as if she is and saying things like 'even nandos costs £30' and 'only McDonald's would be cheaper ' and basically implying she shouldn't be ever expecting to eat out anywhere that costs less. Whereas if I'm right and she means the main meals are £30 then the restaurants the friend is choosing are on the expensive side and the friend would be able to choose somewhere cheaper without it being McDonald's.

I agree that, whichever is right, if she can't afford it, or make the time, she needs to say so and do the suggesting next time.

Just say no, more fool you for pandering to this shit

You need to advocate for yourself.

“Hi X, I’d love to meet up this week but unfortunately money is tight at the moment. Could we just do a drink catch up or maybe I could come round to yours/you could come to mine?”

Why are you going? Just don’t go, you shouldn’t have to finish work early when she’s not and pay for a meal you can’t afford plus cost of petrol and parking etc.

if you must, transfer her £4 and say you can’t go.

stop allowing yourself to be railroaded. This is a you problem.

This is a ridiculous idea. Just say that you can't make it. You should have done that from the start.

You sound envious that your friend is better off financially than you. If she wants to pay for £20 taxis and £30 meals, that's her choice.

You can't afford it so you need to say, "Sorry, I can't afford that."

OP is this friend quite overbearing in general? It sounds like even if you try to assert a boundary, she ignores you and finds other reasons to get her own way. I imagine that over time this would create resentment, as you never feel like you're being listened to or that your needs are being accommodated.

I would reach out to her after this meal (if you do go) and tell her clearly that money is tight and going forwards you can only really commit to coffee/cake or a cheaper meal.

That way if she ignores you and goes ahead and books something over your budget, you can politely decline.

And, OP - you can politely decline any time you like to this friend. Don't let her bamboozle you into plans that don't work for you. Stand your ground. Don't let her push you around.

Of course you don't have to finish work early, just say no! You don't have to go along with everything she says or does!!

Why come up with this load of rubbish? Lying and making up a whole, ridiculous backstory???

The solution is simple. Explain to friend that dinner out just isn't feasible on your budget. Invite her to yours, cook a meal. Go out just for drinks. Go out to a pub that does Light Bites or sandwiches that are in your budget. See her less often. Go out for a walk together. Meet her at the weekend for a coffee or to a cafe which will be cheaper.

Lots of solutions without the need for elaborate storytelling.

You sound judgemental of this 'friend' and her choices.

£30.00 for a meal these days sounds pretty normal. Does she know what salary you're on? Tbh, even if I did know you were on £27k, it probably wouldn't occur to me that an (unfortunately) fairly standard price for a meal would be beyond your reach unless you actually tell me.

You need to just tell her that you can't afford to eat in the restaurants she wants to eat or, or join her in activities you can't afford, rather than inwardly seethe about it and forensically analyse her spending choices.

EDIT: Just seen you said you told her your budget. I think if you can't afford £30.00 for a meal, choices are going to be pretty limited. I like the suggestion upthread of inviting her to yours for a meal.

It sounds to me like you can’t really afford to go out for dinner. Not judging at all, there’s been plenty of times in my life where I couldn’t justify the cost going out for dinner.

Why not suggest that you cook? Or get a takeaway? Or just go out for a drink? Or a nice evening walk?

Agree. The OP needs to use her words like a grown up rather than making up cock and bull stories.

Just say ‘sorry that doesn’t work for me’ - it’s not difficult

You need to learn the power of “No” when I was younger I found it hard to say no, but now I’m older I don’t have the time or patience to go along with things that don’t suit me/ I can’t afford/ whatever the case may be. You need to simply say “I can’t afford that restaurant so let’s look at other options.” It sounds like your friend dictates a lot of your plans so perhaps take the reins yourself and find some more affordable places to suggest. Hopefully they will appreciate this but if they’re not open to your ideas or understanding of your financial situation then they are not a true friend.

You’re being an absolute mug. Just say no 🙄

Still blaming her for your own action/inaction, I see.

I just wouldn't go , let her go herself and tell her in future you won't be leaving work early to go to dinner.

The fact that this dynamic has become established is entirely your fault, OP. You've allowed it to happen by being so passive, and now are being quite nasty about your friend when you could have simply made your position clear a long time ago.

@Delly9 In future you will only go out with her if you book the place you are going. She sounds uncaring and a braggart.

Sorry but you do sound jealous. You need to deal with that or you will become increasingly bitter and close off opportunities by not wanting to engage with people that seemingly have it better than you.
In regards to the restajrant situation. Before you book anything, tell your friend your budget. I can only afford 20 or whatever it is and tell her you can't afford more. Or suggest you go halves on some food and cook at home. I was on a budget over summer and did thisn with some friends and we had a lot of fun each bringing and cooking a course to eat.
Or you book the restaurant.
I don't know why you are getting annoyed about it when the solutions are very simple.

£38k a year does not make her Elon Musk. It’s more than you, but hardly oodles more.

What do you want to happen? I get the slight feeling you want a pro rata bill based on income…

You have not responded regarding you choosing the venue or meeting up for dinner at home.