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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Selfish friend expects me to pay high price when on low income

311 replies

Delly9 · 10/09/2025 18:56

My friend is quite selfish. She always expects to go to expensive restaurants when we meet up. She has a 38k a year job and 12k rental property income - she told me this. Her parents also paid a large chunk of the 4 bed house she lives alone and she told me this. She does not have a mortgage.

I am only on 27k. Why does she thinks it’s acceptable to expect me to pay £30 for a meal at a restaurant. The one time she had this ‘voucher’ and I still had to pay £25 for the meal.

This time round she found this ‘Table’ scheme where you pay £8 fee to get 50% off the meals. Well it’s not 50% if you have had to pay a fee. I looked at the menu and it says there is a 12.5% service charge on the menu. It’s doesn’t say it can be removed. She said it’s too late to cancel. I am seething. I feel like just getting a bowl of soup as that will end up being a reasonable price. Most meals are £30 at this place.

I am really annoyed with her. She always says she has no money but goes to a concert or gig every month and stays in a hotel which all of this costs hundreds of pounds and she goes abroad a few times a year. She isn’t poor as she can afford this and these expensive meals. I think she forgets what she tells me.

I am not jealous but she has lots of disposable income but expects me to fork out when I am not on the same income and I have to pay bills and mortgage.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 11/09/2025 08:17

Mustbethat · 10/09/2025 19:53

27k isn’t an “ultra low” income!

one person, no kids, can live quite comfortably. There’s many supporting families on not much more!

£27k is minimum wage. A single person can live quite comfortably? LMAO 🤣

TheOneForMe · 11/09/2025 08:19

You don’t seem to have told her that this is a problem for you, so how would she possibly know? She doesn’t seem to be choosing particularly expensive places, so as you’re not telling her it’s an issue, she probably doesn’t realise and it’s a bit much to call her selfish. If you need to go to cheaper places, just tell her.

Beerpink · 11/09/2025 08:19

CasualDayHasGoneTooFar · 10/09/2025 19:15

For goodness sake

Woman up, tell her you can't afford it.

@CasualDayHasGoneTooFar is 100% right

Alwaysinamood · 11/09/2025 08:21

SirRaymondClench · 10/09/2025 19:19

It doesn't sound like you like your friend very much OP and you also seem to resent her lifestyle rather than be happy for her.

Do you think she should pay for you or something?

Perhaps you'd be better not being friends with her at all and she would be far better off not having 'friends' who post bitter threads on MN because they don't earn as much as she does.

Agree with this. You don’t even sound like you like her so why are you friends? Yoi do sound jealous too.

Katiesaidthat · 11/09/2025 08:23

Use your words. I don´t go eating out. I have dinner at home and then go out for a couple of beers with whomever. Just tell her, coffee and cake, a couple of beers at a pub etc is all you can afford, and no leaving work early, my schedule is 9 to 5, the five included. I think you are extra angry because you are frustrated with yourself with not having the gumption to speak up. So speak up!

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 11/09/2025 08:25

SirRaymondClench · 10/09/2025 19:19

It doesn't sound like you like your friend very much OP and you also seem to resent her lifestyle rather than be happy for her.

Do you think she should pay for you or something?

Perhaps you'd be better not being friends with her at all and she would be far better off not having 'friends' who post bitter threads on MN because they don't earn as much as she does.

This

Toastea · 11/09/2025 08:26

JifNtGif · 10/09/2025 19:30

I mean for me, £30 in a restaurant is for a few cocktails before dinner, if you look at the average UK income, £30 for dinner is nothing. As you are on an ultra-low income you need to be very clear with your friend that you simply can't afford eating out. Perhaps go for a coffee and cake instead ?

She's not on an "ultra-low" income. It's above minimum wage. It's just that the cost of living is high nowadays.

CautiousLurker01 · 11/09/2025 08:26

Delly9 · 10/09/2025 19:03

Because she is tight and does not want to lose £4 each on a booking fee. I am having to finish work early as she booked the table for 5pm without asking me. Then says she is going to have to rush and get a taxi to get there. Luckily I am driving but she is just wasting £15-20 on a taxi when she could have booked later and got the bus or train and saved money too.

She doesn’t look into things. A recent concert was cancelled and was annoyed the hotel wouldn’t refund her. She eventually got her way but the hotel didn’t have to refund her. I said that was I pay extra for flex room to cancel at last minute if needed.

A) I don’t get the sense that you actually like this person, so why continue in the friendship?
B) she is booking slots/venues without consulting you - you do NOT have to leave work early/get a taxi etc. you tell her that the slot and venue doesn’t work for you and that you cannot leave work early. And that if she’s like to go out with you she needs to consult you about times/places.
C) I am not sure she necessarily likes you either, otherwise she would be considerate of you position and consult you - I suspect she just likes eating out and you are the unwitting sap that gets roped in because she can’t go to these places alone.

Frankly, I’d be firm that you are NOT attending this time… and consider phasing her out and finding new friends.

Sunnydaysahead22 · 11/09/2025 08:28

I think you’re being unreasonable OP and I don’t think what your friend is suggesting is particularly expensive or over the top and she’s already shown a compromise in using the “first table” style offer to save 50% but in return you have to have the earlier booking.

i have a friend like you and quite frankly it’s exhausting. She earns similar money, definitely isn’t considered as particularly low earner, but every conversation revolves around how she went for a coffee and it was £4, or parking somewhere was £5, and a Sunday dinner was unbelievably expensive at £17. It’s her only conversation topic and it’s got so so boring. Her husband even told her next year he will be accounting for his own spending money on holiday as she commented on every single drink he had and purchase he made.

Your comment on service charge stood out to me too. You are just too miserly. Unfortunately if you want something nice, you need to pay for it. Else stay in and have a sandwich.

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 11/09/2025 08:28

CopperWhite · 10/09/2025 19:54

Next time, you suggest the time, place and activity you do when you meet up. You sound irrationally annoyed with someone who just wants to see you and enjoy your company over dinner. you cannot expect her to read your mind and know your income and expenses don’t allow you to eat out.

Exactly this! Why are you annoyed with her?! She's not forcing you to go and it's not her job to police your spending.

First of all about the meal v you have booked just say "sorry I can't go, I'll cover the £4 for my half of the booking fee".

Then suggest her coming over to yours for a drink or going for a walk and coffee or something instead that will be cheaper.

Resitinas · 11/09/2025 08:32

It's not up to your friend to manage your choices for you. Why should she be required to pre-empt and mind read on your behalf? Equally, if you agree and hp, you should absolutely pay your full half of any tips and fees.

Be an adult and just tell her.

MaturingCheeseball · 11/09/2025 08:35

Unfortunately eating out has got very expensive (not fault of restaurants) so £30 is really not outrageous.

If OP still wants to meet up with this friend then as pps have mentioned just suggest a drink (although a couple of glasses of wine and crisps might still be north of £20) or just get a coffee. Or a free Waitrose one and wander the streets.

paradisecircus · 11/09/2025 08:36

Sorry only read the OP, so this will have been answered I expect, but why not be upfront with her about what you can / can't afford, and refuse to go out for meals if they're too expensive?

Beyond that I'd say her finances, and how she chooses to spend her money, aren't really your concern.

AquaLeader · 11/09/2025 08:46

Tunacheesequesadilla · 10/09/2025 19:20

Have you tried opening your mouth and telling her?

That sounds way too adult!😊

Moveoverdarlin · 11/09/2025 08:52

Just be honest!

Hi Jen, no I can’t make it, I’m just too skint at the moment to contemplate meals out. Happy for you to come here for coffee and cake and a nice chat but just going to have to rein it in with the meals out for a bit. Cost of Living and all that!! Xxx

Theroadt · 11/09/2025 08:53

Delly9 · 10/09/2025 19:03

Because she is tight and does not want to lose £4 each on a booking fee. I am having to finish work early as she booked the table for 5pm without asking me. Then says she is going to have to rush and get a taxi to get there. Luckily I am driving but she is just wasting £15-20 on a taxi when she could have booked later and got the bus or train and saved money too.

She doesn’t look into things. A recent concert was cancelled and was annoyed the hotel wouldn’t refund her. She eventually got her way but the hotel didn’t have to refund her. I said that was I pay extra for flex room to cancel at last minute if needed.

I get where you are coming from but not sure what you want out of this. If it were me, I would pay the £8 (2x£4 booking fee) and say you have to be actively involved in choosing the location in future, no assumptions, and that your budget is - and will always be - tight. You can cook a nice meal for her at home and share the cost of ingredients? Go for a walk (costs nothing)? Make your own suggestions. There’s a hint of your post wanting her to pay for you - or hoping she will. But overall I think you are being unreasonable and a bit whiney (sorry to be blunt) if you are not actively trying to sort it out.

Turnups · 11/09/2025 08:54

I really don’t understand. Why don’t you just tell her you don't have as much money to spare for your get-togethers as she does but you like going out with her so in future you will choose the venue and make the bookings? Why are you just letting her do it and then complaining?

Scottishskifun · 11/09/2025 08:56

No or not going to work for me is a complete sentence OP.

Surely it's better to say now and lose £4 then spend upwards of £30 that you clearly don't want to go to?

flowertoday · 11/09/2025 08:57

Just say no OP. I struggle to afford eating out too so would often choose to decline such invitations. Ditto concerts or expensive weekends away. You need to be honest with her.
Go for coffee and cake, go for a walk with your friend. If both or either of you can't manage this it isn't a friendship that is going to last . X

notnowfred · 11/09/2025 08:58

Is op expecting her friend to subsidise her meal because she’s on a higher wage? Is that why she thinks friend is tight?

TalkToTheHand123 · 11/09/2025 09:04

notnowfred · 11/09/2025 08:58

Is op expecting her friend to subsidise her meal because she’s on a higher wage? Is that why she thinks friend is tight?

I don't read it like this. I'd expect my friend to check with me regarding prices or already know. She doesn't sound a very good friend.
I'd just say for next time that you don't have any money. I wouldn't bother with anyone like her. She doesn't sound worth it.

CicerosHead · 11/09/2025 09:05

Is this one of those fabled MN 'friendships', when said 'friends' clearly don't like each other, come to slag each other off online after begrudgingly suffering through one of the meetups?

Friend, 5pm doesn't work for me, sorry. I can't afford eating out all the time, spending £30 a pop, so let's meet up for coffee/walk/whatever. Not that difficult?

I can afford to eat out, but don't do it, because to me spaffing 30s on very mediocre offerings coupled with shit service each week seems like an absolute waste of money. That money can be used on much more pleasant things. My friends know this. Why? Because I told them.

TheOneForMe · 11/09/2025 09:09

TalkToTheHand123 · 11/09/2025 09:04

I don't read it like this. I'd expect my friend to check with me regarding prices or already know. She doesn't sound a very good friend.
I'd just say for next time that you don't have any money. I wouldn't bother with anyone like her. She doesn't sound worth it.

If it was particularly expensive, the yes, check it’s ok, but as it seems to be very average prices, I think it’s understandable the OPs friend wouldn’t think it’s an issue unless the OP mentioned it.

Tyler4689 · 11/09/2025 09:12

You need to toughen up- you sound like a doormat. Just say no to these places! Why are you letting her control everything?! And why did you agree to finish work early if you don’t want to? You should’ve told her that time doesn’t work for you! For your own good, start saying no to her, otherwise this will drive you crazy!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 11/09/2025 09:13

TBH she doesn’t sound like a proper friend at all. She’s just someone you happen to know pretty well. You need to be blunt, OP, and tell her you can’t afford this or that,

’Friend’ is IMO a term too often overused on MN.