Selfish friend expects me to pay high price when on low income

[Delly9]

My friend is quite selfish. She always expects to go to expensive restaurants when we meet up. She has a 38k a year job and 12k rental property income - she told me this. Her parents also paid a large chunk of the 4 bed house she lives alone and she told me this. She does not have a mortgage.

I am only on 27k. Why does she thinks it’s acceptable to expect me to pay £30 for a meal at a restaurant. The one time she had this ‘voucher’ and I still had to pay £25 for the meal.

This time round she found this ‘Table’ scheme where you pay £8 fee to get 50% off the meals. Well it’s not 50% if you have had to pay a fee. I looked at the menu and it says there is a 12.5% service charge on the menu. It’s doesn’t say it can be removed. She said it’s too late to cancel. I am seething. I feel like just getting a bowl of soup as that will end up being a reasonable price. Most meals are £30 at this place.

I am really annoyed with her. She always says she has no money but goes to a concert or gig every month and stays in a hotel which all of this costs hundreds of pounds and she goes abroad a few times a year. She isn’t poor as she can afford this and these expensive meals. I think she forgets what she tells me.

I am not jealous but she has lots of disposable income but expects me to fork out when I am not on the same income and I have to pay bills and mortgage.

It gets better. She has messaged this morning to say she forgot she had a meeting which finishes at 4.30pm and won’t be there on time and if I can get there and save the table otherwise the offer is void.

I said on this occasion I can leave work early and that my working day is until 5.00pm. She says well future meals the table has to be booked for 5.00pm. To get the ‘First Table’ deals. I said I will look for any deals in future as I can’t leave work early.

She isn’t willing to compromise on time and it’s not for me to pick and choose my working hours when the company has 9-5pm.

TBH this highlights you more than it does her. Where are your boundaries woman? Some people will treat you all sorts of ways if you let em.

Maybe you should make the effort to do the social admin then. It seems like you're leaving her to do the work of making the arrangements and booking, and then you're complaining about how she does it.

Next time you say what day and time you're available, and YOU come up with where you eat/go for a drink. And if booking's required YOU do it @Delly9

I said on this occasion I can leave work early and that my working day is until 5.00pm. She says well future meals the table has to be booked for 5.00pm

OP this is insane. Why should you and your workplace tie yourselves in such knots to facilitate your friends obsession with this early dinner offer that is clearly more trouble than its worth for people who work office hours. Why didn't you say 'I can't do that because I'm also at work'?

38k is an ok salary but hardly mega bucks

I think it’s cos a lot of people were having a go at me on here and I am trying to be reasonable. She doesn’t respect my time or working hours. I did tell her my budget before she even booked anything.

I feel like getting there late and losing the £4 to be honest.

But have you ever actually told her you can’t ever make a table booked for 5 pm because your workday only ends then? When this arrangement was originally mooted, did you say ‘Can’t do that’? Because it sounds as if you were going along with it even though it didn’t suit you, till now?

ETA And people are having a go at you because you’re not communicating with your friend, just moaning on here. Tell her a coffee or a drink at 5-30 is all you can do.

I'm afraid to say that £30 on a meal with a drink isn't excessive these days (I paid £8 for a glass of wine the other day, I nearly fainted). However, that's not to say you're in the wrong and if you feel like you can't afford certain restaurants then definitely say something! I've found that people often don't think about what their friends can and can't afford.
Another suggestion would be to meet for brunch - it tends to be cheaper, you can still catch up, but a nice breakfast with a coffee would be more affordable.
Or, choose the restaurant and find discounts yourself - a lot of decent pubs offer them.
I know how you feel, I'm a single mum with a dd at uni, I work full time, but sometimes I feel I'm working just to pay the bills/food shop etc. Most of my friends are on more money than I am and have high earning husbands. I don't begrudge them, but it does get a bit disheartening when they're talking about their fabulous holidays and my last holiday was in 2019! I think you just have to try and do what you can afford and perhaps find things that you enjoy that don't cost you a fortune (I've had some lovely days out with a walking group I joined - doesn't cost me anything other than a drink at the end of the walk). Chin up, I hope these suggestions help x

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Why don't you take the charge and organize the next get together rather than leaving it all down to her? You sound incredibly resentful of her lifestyle but it really has nothing to do with you. Plan a get together around your financial needs rather than expecting her to read minds.

She booked a table at 5pm without telling you meaning you have to leave work early, at a restaurant you don’t even want to eat at… and you’re just going along with it? Are you always such a doormat?

I'm sorry but reading this makes me more annoyed with you than it does with her. Do you not have many friends and that is why you're afraid to stand up for yourself and don't want to lose this one or is there another reason?

Please look after yourself and next time she does this just say, well I won't be able to join you then, hope you have a good time with whoever you decide to go with.

Take care and be strong - please xx

You know that you don’t have to go, just because she booked it?

What do you want people to say?

You're going along with it rather than saying No, so it's down to you really

OP, I understand not wanting to spend so much on a meal but you need to be firm and direct - the same goes for timings etc.

'I don't finish work until 5pm so can't get there until X-time at the earliest' if she ignores this or says its the only time available then you need to say something like 'well like I said I can't get there (or anywhere) until 5.30 at the earliest so lets look at somewhere else' if she still continues 'I can't do that' - she can't make you leave work early, and she can't make you go somewhere you don't want to.

I would personally send her the £4 to cover the discount she paid and cut my losses on this one.

Maybe you need to think about the compatibility of this friendship, and why you accept this friend bulldozzing you into things you don't want to do.

27K is not a a huge amount if you are living on your own, and £30 is quite a lot to spend on dinner midweek after work so I dont' know why OP is getting a hard time on that. When I go out midweek with friends we regularly go to places where food bills is £15 each tops - drinks are extra obvs but you can chose to have more or less to suit budget.

@Nikki3009 blimey that’s cheap for a glass of wine round here, unless it’s cheap and nasty - we have stopped going out as much as we used to as we only drink wine and only decent stuff or I end up with chronic acid reflux - I kid you not anywhere nice here is about £12 - it was cheaper when we lived in Copenhagen, which is notoriously expensive - On a Friday night ( our usual going out night after work) we have taken to going to a nice wine bar that you pick bottles off shelves ( 24 to £50) or so - at least we get 4 decent glasses of nice wine- and a whole evening

I'm in my 60s and have been comfortably off for some years now - but remember being in my 20s and not earning a lot (in London). We were a group of 5 friends who would go out on Friday nights for several beers and then go for a curry or similar. One (very close friend) then bought a tiny flat and was absolutely strapped for cash - she really had very little left to live on. She used her words and told us...

So the other 4 of us changed to buying in some beers and very cheap food from the supermarket and going round to her house every Friday night!

USE YOUR WORDS.

Personally I would tell her you had to go home sick and you can't make the meal.

Then in future suggest you meet for lunch at a cheaper cafe where you would spend 10-15 instead. Or take a picnic.

People are right £30 is pretty standard and in some respects cheap for a meal... I could probably do about £25 in somewhere like zizzi but most mains are £15-£20 and add a drink at £4-£7.

You do need to be firm if she is not the type of friend to ask first...

I always say to my friends.... are you ok to go here, or offer to find money off vouchers (Zizzi are good for these)

I think some people are being plain horrible, you dont sound jealous or resenting your friend. You shouldn't be expected to leave work early or pay above your means, if they were a true understanding friend they would listen.

OP - tell her you will skip the offers and meet her at Nando’s or Wagamama’s or Bills at 7.30 like normal people do if you must gave a meal - drink tea or soft drinks ( Wagamama do some lovely ones) and you should get away with £23 or so . Or look at a Taste card if they are still ‘a thing’ - discounted usually Monday to Thursday quite heavily but not got the early evening restriction or just arrange to meet at the pub , couple of drinks ( maybe £18) cheaper if you drink soft drinks or beer - often can get 2 for 1 cocktails if you like them in the week between 6 and 9 as well - you ‘come up’ with suggestions after having a look round rather than simmering with resentment that she’s got a bit more cash than you - it doesn’t sound like she’s loaded unless her rental property has no mortgage on it etc - even then with all the taxes and goodness knows what I doubt she is loaded either and so what if she was- If you like her Asa friend, you suggest stuff

How much was the amount you told her beforehand?
Can’t you now just propose another place within your budget?

I can’t believe some people think £30 for a main is anywhere near standard. Where are you all eating?

Unclench and read the OP post again. She can't afford to keep up with her friend.

'No, that doesn't work for me.'
'No, I just don't have that sort of cash spare.'
Both perfectly acceptable replies.

People saying £30 is pretty standard or cheap REALLY aren't contributing anything useful. Please stop. The point isn't whether or not you think it's reasonable, the point is that the OP finds it unaffordable.

"She said it’s too late to cancel."

This is BS. of course it's not. And if she has to pay a £8 (NOT 4, don't you dare pay half!) because she thought the world revolved around her and it turns out that it doesn't, then she ought to take that as very cheap lesson learned.

She booked a place that was too expensive for you, at a time when you're still at work. Say NO. Say that you've changed your mind because it's pretty fucking disrespectful of her to have booked something outside of your price range at a time when you are supposed to be at work. Give her a price that you can comfortably afford for a meet up, and tell her it must include all tips and extras life fucking stupid booking fees. Invite her for a walk or a costa coffee.

So just say "Sorry, that won't work for me." I don’t understand your problem. You both have an equal right to say what times suit you. Why are you letting her make all the decisions and then complaining about it? The problem is not her 'selfishness' but your passivity and self-imposed victimhood.