I’ve got the Ick and I don’t want to fix it

[theickisrealurgh]

It’s finally happened, my partner has given me the biggest ick that I just don’t want to be with him anymore. The sheer thought of being with him for much longer fills me with dread.

He’s paying for his daughter to have breast implants, she’s 19. I think it’s weird, and it’s made me feel sick. It’s want she wants and I get that, but something about it just doesn’t sit right with me. It might be normal to some and if it was anything else I wouldn’t be bothered but I can’t shift this feeling of discomfort. She’s a B cup.

I get on with his daughter very well, never had an issue so it’s not that. Luckily we don’t live together but we have been together for 10 years.

I don’t know how to get out of this

@ItwilldiedownI have my own issues I agree and yes, it is a depressing mess of a relationship. I was with my very first kiss for 20 years, and this one is only my second relationship. I’m in my mid 40s and I just cannot believe it.

I wish my parents had done this for me when I was 19. I don’t have body issues but very small breasts. I don’t hate them but it would have brought me so much joy to be substantially better endowed. I’m in my 60’s now, so not really worth it but it is a regret I have never had it done.

Can you still breast feed if you have implants?

Don’t subject your child to it too

Firstly, you do have body issues, sorry. I wish you had got help and support before, but perhaps that's something you can consider.
Secondly, it's not her parents, it's specifically her father.
Thirdly, his language and attitude are wildly inappropriate.

Are you able to end this now? What advice and support do you need?

I feel for you. Your instincts are correct, though, in my opinion. You're worth more than this man and his inappropriateness. Focus on yourself and your daughter.

You are far more than your breasts Astrabees. If you read my post you will know that I get the embarrassment of having small breasts.

When DH & me first slept together, I felt it necessary to say to him, before he got anywhere near my breasts (when snogging, I'd always diverted him away from them) that I have 'fried eggs' & if he wanted to leave I wouldn't blame him. He was devastated that I felt that way & very firmly & kindly told me that it was me the intelligent, funny, kind, beautiful person who he wanted to make love with not my tits. 😍

@MissFenellaPrism I don’t know how to do it, how to end it nicely without any animosity. My last relationship ended badly and I don’t want that for this one

Personally after that laughing reaction I’d go with something like “What the fuck is wrong with you? That’s your DAUGHTER you’re talking about in foul sexual terms. You think that’s funny?” And then after he responds with his nonsense tell him that you’re not interested in being with someone like that.

But I have a low tolerance for shitty male behaviour.

I don’t know how to get out of this

Out of the relationship? As you don't live together essentially have a "companionship", the main issue is your 2yo. Do you already have an arrangement for who takes the child (which of your homes she stays in overnight) when? You may want a Child Arrangement Order even if you have something informal in place now, and to consider if one of you is entitled to CMS (if the arrangement isn't and won't be 50/50 in practice). Are there shared finances to sort out? You may want some professional legal advice even though it's not a divorce.

Out of feeling "the ick"? You feel what you feel, and can end the relationship because of it even if others wouldn't. But if you're undecided I'd take an honest look at all the issues. There's the surgery, the language (which is ongoing), his seeming attitude, the apparent misogyny, and the previous concerns you mention, plus the fact that it seems to be a convenient/comfortable relationship rather a love match or ideal-ish life partnership. You may also be bothered that he's not the person you thought he was if he'd do this, and/or that he's not a great parent. If you've just found out you could give it a few days to see if your feelings change. Also think about whether there's anything he can clarify for you that might change your feelings, or something he could do differently (within reason) that would convince you to give it another try. Don't force it though.

The way you characterise the relationship, I'm not sure I'd try hard to save it even without this latest situation.

Why is he in the appointment with her? I get wanting to visot the place and meet her surgeon to check he feels the place is legitimate, but to go in the actual examination seems completely unnecessary. Also, he does not seem to be taking it seriously at all, it's a life changing bloody medical procedure. Is he mature enough to give her advice?

What would his daughter think if she saw his message about her? I'd be revolted if that was my dad talking about me, or him or my DH talking about my daughter.

Did he pay for her mum's implants too?

I don't blame you getting the ick OP it's really stomach churning. Just the word titties would give me the ick let alone the context.

This would be ick for me if he used language like that about my breasts, never mind his own 19 Yr old DD.
I would never be able to shake that feeling off so I totally understand how you're feeling right now.
You must be so repulsed.

Does his DD live with him?

@Scout2016Her mum took her to the first appointment but couldn’t make this one, so she asked her dad. He was sat in the waiting room

@BiggyJShe lives with both parents 50/50

It's very rare for them to end nicely unless it's a genuinely mutual decision. But that doesn't mean it's you should stay in a relationship you're not happy in.

Why on earth are you trying yourself up in knots about that?

FGS you have bigger fish to fry. Start getting finances sorted, a plan in place,
not navel gazing about how to do it “nicely”

What a lot of Tosh. I believe most people look in the mirror and think it might be nice to have something like curly hair or longer legs from time to time. I would have liked a cleavage There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I suppose I should have had it done in my 40’s when the children were young. I’m very happy with my body it would just be the icing on the cake to be a DD instead of a A.

It depends on the type of surgery. Some sadly are unable to after it.

especially his daughter

thats grim. I dont blame you at all.
I have had a boobjob, after finishing having kids and breastfeeding etc, but to have it done as a teenager, funded by her father who talks about it in those terms. I think thats actually repulsive.

@ItwilldiedownI have everything in order, job, home etc..
After last relationship ended badly I’m getting anxious at the thought of this one kicking off

Ewwwwwww he's gross.

I understand, but this is a huge red flag.

It's not natural for a father to a/ discuss the size of their daughter's breasts b/ to refer to them in the way that he has & c/ to pay for major unnecessary & possibly harmful surgery for her.

He should be supporting her telling her about what a lovely beautiful person she is - focussing on how he loves her for her intelligence, her personality & assuring her that she doesn't need to change herself in anyway at all.

It would make me wonder about me and if I'm coming up to scratch. What about my flabby post baby tummy? What about my cellulite? My wrinkles? My Caesarean scar? The huge scar from a car accident? The other huge scar from a spinal op? My knee replacement scar?

OK, I'm talking about my sorry body, but I'm sure that you have similar body issues - we don't get to be our age without scars, flabby bits & wrinkles.

I'm sure he's no Adonis either. I can guarantee that he has wrinkles, possibly a bit of a pot belly going on, balding head, possibly lost a few teeth.

As my mother would say - plenty of fish in the sea. I'd throw this one back.

Just tell him the truth. No animosity, just 'sorry mate, I don't think that we have a future as I can't get over the fact that you're paying for your 19 year old daughter to have unnecessary cosmetic surgery' and move on. There is a man out there who will value and respect you for who you are.

Good luck - let us know how you get on. 😘

Ew he just sexualised his young adult daughter that's gross! I'm not going to comment on the procedure as I've zero idea if that's the right thing for her or not but him not talking about it in medical terms given its his child (yes an adult but still his child) would sicken me too