Is this as troubling as I think?

[Bader]

My OH and I have been together 7 years. We own a house jointly between us. He has grown up kids. I have none. He divorced prior to us meeting. His reason: his ex wife was unpleasant to him and didn’t want sex.
Sex was good between us for the first two-three years. I then entered what I now know was perimenopause. I’ve tried everything to help me deal with that but I have zero libido and low mood plus I’ve had endometriosis and adenomyosis for 5 years. I’m on hrt patches. Testosterone gel has done nothing to help.

My OH has a v high sex drive. He equates sex with intimacy. Sex for me is painful. Vaginally and deeper pain on occasion. I have erratic and lengthy periods and regular UTIs. It is not a pleasurable experience but, notwithstanding this, he wants sex. Despite me being in pain he can still do it and reach ejaculation.

If we don’t have sex every couple of days he becomes moody and unpleasant. Nothing physical but it’s like he really doesn’t like me. We have sex and he’s fine again.
He wanted sex last night as he’s been away for a few days. I’m in the midst of another heavy period. I also have cramping. I asked if we could wait to which he said “there’s always an excuse” so I agreed to sex.
It hurt. He stopped and said he was sleeping in another room as it’s always the same “excuse”.

This morning we had the following conversation:
Me: Working from an agreed basis that the conditions I have do cause pain what is the outcome you want

• sex as in intercourse every three days

And knowing I have pain how would you want me to deal with that.

• well sex is shit for me because you’re in pain and I don’t like that

So is your suggestion that I mask it? I pretend it’s fine and internalise it?

• Yes

Do you think that is problematic?

• no

Is that something you’re happy with

• yes. It’s an acceptable compromise otherwise I have to feel frustrated and that’s not fair.

Do you think that might have a psychological impact on me?

• I don’t know but at the moment it’s having a psychological impact on me so it’s compromise for you to take some of that.

Im a professional woman who is constantly trying to make sure “women’s voices” are listened to in the workplace and yet I’m in a situation where I can’t make myself heard.
We have tried couples counselling but the counsellor gave him advice he didn’t like so it stopped.

Has anyone been in this position please? I feel very alone and not sure how to resolve this so that we’re both happy.

Yes, very much so. It’s ALL about him isn’t it? I’m pretty confident his selfishness extends to other areas of your lives as well

LTB and don’t look back.

To a degree yes. He’s not particularly keen on tidiness so I do the lions share of cleaning. We have recently got a cleaner at my request as it was too much with work as well.

It sounds very much like he sees you as a vessel to wank into

Be aware that the ending of his first marriage may be very different from what he told you.

It’s coercion. He doesn’t care about you. I don’t see how your relationship can come back from this. I’m so sorry.

What do you call a man who knows both that sex hurts his wife and that she is not an enthusiastic participant but persists in over-riding her wishes and does not see that this is problematic?

Sorry to be harsh.

You need an escape plan.

Of course you can make your voice heard. Say no and mean it.

And set out clearly what your expectations for his support with this phase of your life are.

I assume from your first paragraph that you assume your husband will leave you if you don’t comply with his appalling requirements, but I am struggling to see why you’d wait for him to do so.

Farking hell he's not doing his gender's reputation much good is he?!

Yes it is as troubling as you (deep down) know think it is.

Do you have daughters? Would you be happy with his suggestion for your daughters and their husbands?

ETA: He sounds medieval. The 1500s called, they want their dickhead back.

now you know why his wife left him

he is a vile bully and sex pest.

the red flag you ignored was him blaming her lack of sex drive for the end of their marriage.

LTB and don’t look back

This is very troubling and I think you know what advice you will get. At best you sound incompatible, I assume you have considered oral sex and masturbation and they are not acceptable alternatives?
How would you advise anyone else in this situation other than possibly try professional help; you have done that and he bailed.
Would being alone be worse than being with someone who wants to physically hurt you and for you to pretend its not happening?

this is awful, he knows you don’t want to but does it anyway. that isn’t consent in any way, he is raping you and making you feel bad about not enjoying it. Please leave and take care of yourself x

Fucking hell OP, he doesn't give a shit about you. That's awful. Get rid.

He’s a nasty sexist pig. His feelings are apparently more important than yours. Nope.

He’s a fucking repulsive coercive sex pest who doesn’t give a fuck about you as long as he gets his dick wet.
Men like him disgust me - all they care about is their orgasm and they see the woman as a convenient hole.

He’s showing you exactly who he is and how he views you - please see the grim reality and dump his skanky arse.

This is awful, I would never want sex mid a heavy period and my partner leaves me well alone. He wouldn’t even accept a bj when I was going away for a week and I volunteered it as I was on my period. He simply said it wasn’t fair on me and he would wait to have sex when I was back. I knew he meant it as he held me close and kissed me.

You have multiple things going on and one of these would be enough for you to say no. Also you don’t need an excuse to say no if you don’t feel like having sex. Your worst fears are true. He is a bully and a sex pest. It sounds like he doesn’t make you feel desirable and that you should be available at his convenience. I can see this escalating …

Sex is shit for him because you're in pain?!

'Oh, ok, so obviously you want me to see a doctor or us to read up on and try techniques that might be less painful?'

'No. I want you to pretend it doesn't hurt. That's a fair compromise.'

He needs his head kicking in frankly. Please don't ever have sex with him again and boot him out.

He has clearly told you who he is and that he has no care for you.

This is really bad OP. No one should ever want their partner to be in pain never mind physically causing it. Plus the psychological impact it's having on you. He is not a good person by the sounds of it.

He’s awful. Surely you’d be happier without him?

This isn’t a situation that will change-he’s going to continue to want sex regularly regardless of what you say or how it affects you, and you are going to continue to find it painful and not want to have sex. He’s not willing to just “sort himself out” and respect that you aren’t “making excuses” - you are in pain and actually not truly consenting.

I can’t see that you have any option but to plan to leave and do so as soon as you possibly can to prevent any further demands from him.

Is there somewhere that you could go this weekend to give yourself some space?

It appears you are not married to this individual.

You’d be far better off on your own now because he does not give a toss about you. Only his own stupid self and getting his needs met. And you’ve had to get a cleaner in also because he does not like cleaning( he sees that as women’s work/your job). What a prince amongst men he is - not. Raise your bar OP .

You know very well how to stop it. Just get rid of the abusive piece of shit.

Could he buy you out of the house?
Or do you need to sell?

should be the only questions that need answering here

Agree with all above OP, this is not right at all.