Is this as troubling as I think?

[Bader]

My OH and I have been together 7 years. We own a house jointly between us. He has grown up kids. I have none. He divorced prior to us meeting. His reason: his ex wife was unpleasant to him and didn’t want sex.
Sex was good between us for the first two-three years. I then entered what I now know was perimenopause. I’ve tried everything to help me deal with that but I have zero libido and low mood plus I’ve had endometriosis and adenomyosis for 5 years. I’m on hrt patches. Testosterone gel has done nothing to help.

My OH has a v high sex drive. He equates sex with intimacy. Sex for me is painful. Vaginally and deeper pain on occasion. I have erratic and lengthy periods and regular UTIs. It is not a pleasurable experience but, notwithstanding this, he wants sex. Despite me being in pain he can still do it and reach ejaculation.

If we don’t have sex every couple of days he becomes moody and unpleasant. Nothing physical but it’s like he really doesn’t like me. We have sex and he’s fine again.
He wanted sex last night as he’s been away for a few days. I’m in the midst of another heavy period. I also have cramping. I asked if we could wait to which he said “there’s always an excuse” so I agreed to sex.
It hurt. He stopped and said he was sleeping in another room as it’s always the same “excuse”.

This morning we had the following conversation:
Me: Working from an agreed basis that the conditions I have do cause pain what is the outcome you want

• sex as in intercourse every three days

And knowing I have pain how would you want me to deal with that.

• well sex is shit for me because you’re in pain and I don’t like that

So is your suggestion that I mask it? I pretend it’s fine and internalise it?

• Yes

Do you think that is problematic?

• no

Is that something you’re happy with

• yes. It’s an acceptable compromise otherwise I have to feel frustrated and that’s not fair.

Do you think that might have a psychological impact on me?

• I don’t know but at the moment it’s having a psychological impact on me so it’s compromise for you to take some of that.

Im a professional woman who is constantly trying to make sure “women’s voices” are listened to in the workplace and yet I’m in a situation where I can’t make myself heard.
We have tried couples counselling but the counsellor gave him advice he didn’t like so it stopped.

Has anyone been in this position please? I feel very alone and not sure how to resolve this so that we’re both happy.

Yes, I said fear. If you are coerced you must be fearful of saying no. That's a real worry! That's my point. Noone should feel they can't say no. As I said, physical or emotional fear needs immediately support to leave.

Absolutely. He’s telling her to agree to being regularly sexually assaulted and to accept that’s a compromise.

Vile abusive pig

Time to leave I think. I’m betting he does little else to create ‘intimacy’ as he frames it explicitly as sex even though you don’t want it and it causes you pain. In fact his whole attitude is the precise opposite of intimacy because he doesn’t want to hear you and wants you to mask how you really feel so as to meet his- and only his- needs. Not quite sure how that is even remotely intimate. Quite honestly it is trying to coerce you to do things you don’t want to do which is not ok at all. Would you want to a daughter to have to deal with this? I suspect not. You deserve better.

I feel very alone and not sure how to resolve this so that we’re both happy. @Bader

How does he try to make you happy? He's not even thinking of you or your happiness, he'll he's not even thinking of your safety or comfort, let alone the extra mile of happiness.

His happiness is not your responsibility.

What would make you happy op? Do that.

The man’s an abusive, selfish, controlling cunt. Tell him to get to fuck

A man who doesn't think he's got a responsibility to clean and doesn't care if a woman is in pain during sex.

This is a man who doesn't listen to or care about women.

I'm horrified that he'd be happy to have sex with you knowing that you are in pain.

If he feels that your sex drives are so incompatible that the relationship is ultimately not going to work, then answer is for him to respectfully end the relationship, not gaslight you into tolerating pain for his pleasure (not that I can possibly comprehend how you could feel pleasure under those circumstances).

What a pig. He wants you to pretend he isn’t hurting you so he can enjoy fucking you. And he actually said that out loud. And he’s trying to call it compromise to make you seem unreasonable.

Tell him you might compromise to ease his psychological issue by pretending you aren’t in pain if he will compromise by hiding his physical pain after you kick him in the balls just before sex. That seems fair to me.

I think I misread your post, apologies.

We have tried couples counselling but the counsellor gave him advice he didn’t like so it stopped.

I think this tells you everything you need to know about him.

And to reiterate,
And knowing I have pain how would you want me to deal with that.

• well sex is shit for me because you’re in pain and I don’t like that

So is your suggestion that I mask it? I pretend it’s fine and internalise it?

• Yes

Do you think that is problematic?

• no

Is that something you’re happy with

• yes. It’s an acceptable compromise otherwise I have to feel frustrated and that’s not fair.

It’s not fair for him to feel frustrated or be denied something he wants. Never mind that you are in pain, you’re less important than him so you should suck it up and pretend to enjoy yourself.

It’s the same mindset or way of looking at women which allows some men to “marry” girls of 7, 8, 9 and not care that they die from what goes on in the marital bed. It may not be quite so extreme, but it comes from the same disregard and callousness towards the woman/girl. It’s the same fundamental lack of respect for your personhood.

Well, there is no love here is there?

He doesn't care how much pain you are in so long as he gets his rocks off. Does that sound like love?

This is an appalling, miserable relationship. You have nothing to gain by staying with this creature. Start taking care of yourself and leave him

This is horrific, OP. He needs booting in the bollocks repeatedly.

There is no way I would live with this. You know that this is unacceptable for you as well. Why live with this?

And yes, this is probably why his wife left him.

What a twisted fuck he is. You're just a hole and a housekeeper to him.

I would be seriously tempted to kick him hard in the balls right before I slammed the front door in his face.

Wow please leave this disgusting prick!
How on earth can he possibly get aroused knowing you're in pain and not enjoying it? He sounds like an arsehole. He may have a high sex drive so he can wank, doesn’t have to put you through pain. Please get rid of him and stick up for yourself. My DH wouldn’t dream of doing this!

When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Hand hold for you

Im sorry but I think that this is absolutely disgusting
I have severe back and hip pain that makes sex incredibly painful for me. So we dont have sex anymore. I would be utterly devastated if my husband forced me to still do so knowing full well it was causing me immense pain.
I could not look at this man in the same way again im afraid. It is plainly obvious that he has zero respect for you otherwise he wouldnt do this. I've never advised anyone to separate before but in this instance you should.

Absolutely 100% this.

This is horrific. He is happy to get his end away whilst you're in pain but god forbid you show it. Get the hell away from him

This is horrific. He is happy to get his end away whilst you're in pain but god forbid you show it. Get the hell away from him

What absolute fucking cunt. Leave him, he deserves none of your time.

not sure how to resolve this so that we’re both happy.

There is no such resolution.
You are in pain and don't want sex.
He wants sex regardless of you being in pain.
His idea of "compromise" is that you pretend you are not in pain so that you don't spoil his enjoyment.

Either you prioritise him to make him happy and endure the pain in silence,
or you refuse to have sex any more and then wait for him to dump you,
or you dump him first.
Those would seem to be the only options.

You need to leave, you are more than a wank sock.

Scary. I left my ex partly because sex seemed to be being ‘done’ to me with zero feeling or the expected pre/post intimacy. It only registered when I’d already told him I was on my period (albeit the last day or so) and he just went ahead anyway and started PIV. I was just too taken aback to really challenge it at the time as he would have gone into a sulk and we were on an otherwise nice break away but it definitely impacted me even though I guess it was a small breach of boundaries, I just got a vision of what my future could be so yeah very sadly had to end that relationship. Have been single since then and really worry about the sexual expectations of any new relationships as I’m now in peri so no clue how my body will be. Just need to get better at saying No 😐.

Your OH is a dick so I won’t go any further in to that (except to say are you financially independent? Get yourself sorted…).

But - did you see someone privately or the NHS for the the peri symptoms? I can’t trust my GP in certain areas so I went private and after the blood tests (taken on a specific day of my cycle) came back she prescribed me progesterone tablets and testosterone cream. I’m to take the progesterone every day and only use the cream 3x a week to see how I go. She was very thorough going through my results and explaining what they meant. If you were put straight on to HRT with out comprehensive blood tests maybe you need to make some adjustments with the prescription?

OP, it's not a communication problem. He hears your voice, he just doesn't care what you say. He doesn't care about you and your feelings at all. You are a household appliance that he wanks into, and he has no more feeling for you than he does for the washing machine.

You know you have to get out.