Is this as troubling as I think?

[Bader]

My OH and I have been together 7 years. We own a house jointly between us. He has grown up kids. I have none. He divorced prior to us meeting. His reason: his ex wife was unpleasant to him and didn’t want sex.
Sex was good between us for the first two-three years. I then entered what I now know was perimenopause. I’ve tried everything to help me deal with that but I have zero libido and low mood plus I’ve had endometriosis and adenomyosis for 5 years. I’m on hrt patches. Testosterone gel has done nothing to help.

My OH has a v high sex drive. He equates sex with intimacy. Sex for me is painful. Vaginally and deeper pain on occasion. I have erratic and lengthy periods and regular UTIs. It is not a pleasurable experience but, notwithstanding this, he wants sex. Despite me being in pain he can still do it and reach ejaculation.

If we don’t have sex every couple of days he becomes moody and unpleasant. Nothing physical but it’s like he really doesn’t like me. We have sex and he’s fine again.
He wanted sex last night as he’s been away for a few days. I’m in the midst of another heavy period. I also have cramping. I asked if we could wait to which he said “there’s always an excuse” so I agreed to sex.
It hurt. He stopped and said he was sleeping in another room as it’s always the same “excuse”.

This morning we had the following conversation:
Me: Working from an agreed basis that the conditions I have do cause pain what is the outcome you want

• sex as in intercourse every three days

And knowing I have pain how would you want me to deal with that.

• well sex is shit for me because you’re in pain and I don’t like that

So is your suggestion that I mask it? I pretend it’s fine and internalise it?

• Yes

Do you think that is problematic?

• no

Is that something you’re happy with

• yes. It’s an acceptable compromise otherwise I have to feel frustrated and that’s not fair.

Do you think that might have a psychological impact on me?

• I don’t know but at the moment it’s having a psychological impact on me so it’s compromise for you to take some of that.

Im a professional woman who is constantly trying to make sure “women’s voices” are listened to in the workplace and yet I’m in a situation where I can’t make myself heard.
We have tried couples counselling but the counsellor gave him advice he didn’t like so it stopped.

Has anyone been in this position please? I feel very alone and not sure how to resolve this so that we’re both happy.

It's beyond troubling OP, he hears you loud and clear, he just doesn't care that you're in pain and that means he's not a safe person for you to be around. This isn't something you can resolve, it's a fundamental selfishness and lack of empathy in him and that won't change.

This makes me feel like crying for you….he’s no better than a rapist. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t respect you. Imagine life without him, peaceful, and calm with no expectations to make yourself available solely for his sick pleasure. He’s a nasty vile man. Leave him.

Put the house on the market.

Op if that hasn't given you the ick.

Please dont put up with that nonsense.

It’s not a problem that he’s frustrated- that’s common in all long terms relationships that someone is frustrated at times. It’s how he talks about it.

I had the same with my DH.

But he was saying what could we try to make things better? How can we make this work for us both? Should we spend more time together? Could we try nice massages and caressing in bed and see if it relaxes you and gets you more in the zone? Etc etc.

whereas your partner just seems to expect his needs to be met and you don’t exist really as a separate sentient person for him. It’s an infant emotional state - a little baby is not really able to think that mum might be shattered or need a break. It is just hungry or frightened and it needs attention right now!

as people grow up they moderate and tolerate frustration because they start to recognise that other people exist and have needs of their own.

it sounds like your partner has struggled to make this development.

Dear god. This stops now. You are not even a valuable person to him let alone someone he's supposed to love. I bet you find out he's out using sex workers.

Leave him. He's told you very clearly who he is.

Thisnis sexual abuse, sexual coercion, and possibly rape. I am sorry op. He is specifically telling you that knowing you dont want sex and it hurts will not stop him.

You need to end this relationship as soon as you can. It is already dead as either his behaviour will escalate or he will start an affair. Or both. Please get out now.

Wow.

I’m really quite taken aback by this.

I am going to work on the assumption as you sound exceptionally reasonable that you have tried to talk to him about your conditions before.

Before I write any more, I’d ask you to reflect, is the issue that you highlight here limited to this situation, or is it more generalised? If the latter, is this relationship giving you what you need?

Making the assumption that you want to make this work: I would say to him that you understand that sex is important to him and want to find a solution that works for you both. I would the ask him to read about the conditions that you suffer from so that he can fully understand. Giving him something to read rather than you explaining might make it easier for him to take it in as he will experience less guilt with it being more abstract.

Once he has read it, I would ask him to consider alternative forms of sexual intimacy that might bring you both some pleasure. You might discuss how to make penetrative sex more comfortable for you. Or agree to initiate sex when you are in your good periods.

He's basically saying he doesn't care if it causes you pain as long as he cums.

Its so disrespectful and unkind. I don't know how you stay with someone so selfish who just sees you as a sex doll not a human

He has no respect for you ,what a shovonistic pig , time to cut loose

There's no resolution in this marriage that doesn't leave you miserable, oppressed and sexually violated. Please make plans to separate and be good to yourself.

Oh my goodness OP, that is one of the worst things I have read here, and I have read some very troubling things here. I feel physically ill after reading this. I’m so sorry. He does not at all seem like a good person. This is just revolting. Are you a real person to him? Of equal value? Of course you have to LTB.

He's a cunt.

Kick him in the balls for all the pain he's caused you and then get a divorce.

I don't see how you could come back from this in a relationship. He has clearly said that his desire for sex is more important than you being comfortable. He does not care if he causes you pain, as long as he gets what he wants. That is frankly disgusting. You need to stop trying to work out how to make this right, and accept you can't. He has made his position clear. You can either continue the relationship on the basis that you have painful sex to keep him happy, or stop doing that, and likely separate. I know which I would choose, hard though it is.

So he was happy to have sex despite you saying no and (even though you don’t have) giving a reason why. He sounds like a jolly nice chap - I have a high sex drive - is not a reason for him to pressure you into doing something you clearly didn’t want to. A frankly a piss poor excuse for not respecting you decision.

you need to ask yourself why you are with him. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who respects you as a human being

Fucking hell. End it OP. Endometriosis is a life changing type of condition, not an 'excuse'. You're his blow-up doll at this point it seems.

Testosterone won't necessarily work to increase sex drive because it's not clear how much of women's libido is down to testosterone in itself, and how much of it's down to its conversion to estrogen. Unfortunately, I think the amount of estrogen you'll be able to take here is limited due to your endometriosis. Has anyone spoken to you about this properly I wonder?

Find your anger, OP, and stop worrying about how you can make things better. You can't. Or only by walking away. Be furious about how he's been treating you.

He wants to force you have sex 2+ times a week

And doesn't see anything wrong with that?

Troubling is not the word for this, it is far, far worse than that

To answer the question in your thread title: No. It's actually FAR worse than you think it is.

You cannot live like this with this man. He doesn't give a shit about you, only his own selfish pleasure. You need - I have to echo the others here - to leave him.

I'm going to add that I'm 15 years post-menopause and my libido is still very low and my vaginal atrophy isn't going to get any better. Fortunately for me, my partner is also a woman.

Sex without enthusiastic consent is rape. Explain this to him and when he denies it, ask if he'd like a police officer to confirm this.

Or better still, get out now and never look back.

💐

Urgh he sounds awful. Please don’t ever have sex with this man again. Tell him it’s over. Honestly there is better than this life ahead

@Bader I can't have sex without pain either. My Dh just said "if it's causing you pain I'd rather not do it at all". And it has been about 5 yrs like this. That is how it should be, rather than being subjected to pain/ demands and total lack of empathy and concern. What you're experiencing is 100% wrong. A friend of mine is actually proceeding with a divorce right now because her DH did the same as yours.

I'm sorry, you lost at the point you said "so I agreed to sex."

Do women really still do this? I just cannot understand why any grown women would have sex if they don't want to.

I do hope you're not in physical or emotional danger. I can't think of any reason other than fear that a woman would have sex when not wanting to.

What actually happens if he doesn't have sex for longer than three days? He's trained you to give in to his demands despite the physical and mental pain it causes you, with the threat of being moody and not very nice.
How long can he keep that up before something has to give?

Are you a man? Have you never heard of coercion?