Is this as troubling as I think?

[Bader]

My OH and I have been together 7 years. We own a house jointly between us. He has grown up kids. I have none. He divorced prior to us meeting. His reason: his ex wife was unpleasant to him and didn’t want sex.
Sex was good between us for the first two-three years. I then entered what I now know was perimenopause. I’ve tried everything to help me deal with that but I have zero libido and low mood plus I’ve had endometriosis and adenomyosis for 5 years. I’m on hrt patches. Testosterone gel has done nothing to help.

My OH has a v high sex drive. He equates sex with intimacy. Sex for me is painful. Vaginally and deeper pain on occasion. I have erratic and lengthy periods and regular UTIs. It is not a pleasurable experience but, notwithstanding this, he wants sex. Despite me being in pain he can still do it and reach ejaculation.

If we don’t have sex every couple of days he becomes moody and unpleasant. Nothing physical but it’s like he really doesn’t like me. We have sex and he’s fine again.
He wanted sex last night as he’s been away for a few days. I’m in the midst of another heavy period. I also have cramping. I asked if we could wait to which he said “there’s always an excuse” so I agreed to sex.
It hurt. He stopped and said he was sleeping in another room as it’s always the same “excuse”.

This morning we had the following conversation:
Me: Working from an agreed basis that the conditions I have do cause pain what is the outcome you want

• sex as in intercourse every three days

And knowing I have pain how would you want me to deal with that.

• well sex is shit for me because you’re in pain and I don’t like that

So is your suggestion that I mask it? I pretend it’s fine and internalise it?

• Yes

Do you think that is problematic?

• no

Is that something you’re happy with

• yes. It’s an acceptable compromise otherwise I have to feel frustrated and that’s not fair.

Do you think that might have a psychological impact on me?

• I don’t know but at the moment it’s having a psychological impact on me so it’s compromise for you to take some of that.

Im a professional woman who is constantly trying to make sure “women’s voices” are listened to in the workplace and yet I’m in a situation where I can’t make myself heard.
We have tried couples counselling but the counsellor gave him advice he didn’t like so it stopped.

Has anyone been in this position please? I feel very alone and not sure how to resolve this so that we’re both happy.

Sooner or later he will leave you because he will feel you're not putting enough effort into satisfying his needs.
Even though you're in pain and lying there resentful because he's making you have sex you don't want and it hurts.
He will blame you for not being enthusiastic enough or whatever.
Then he will cheat. Because he's entitled to sex, in his mind.

Make some plans to leave OP. He's fucking vile.

I agree with everyone else. He needs to leave. Or you do.

Fwiw I’m menopausal and having bleeding due to hrt and me and my OH do plenty of other things that aren’t full piv sex.

Sounds like a git.
Bet he wouldn’t want sex if it was painful for him
But… sex doesn’t have be about penetration .

You can always pleasure him other ways …. If you stay together?

Sorry but someone who is happy to inflict unwanted pain on you for their pleasure does not love you or have your best interests at heart.
Reading your post has made me so sad for you, you deserve kindness and compassion.

He's told you what he thinks of you. It won't get better. He's happy to be a rapist and thinks you should put up and shut up.

This is the opposite of love.

gift him his second divorce ffs

This is disgraceful bullying behaviour. He does not value you as a person.

Leave him. Get a flat and a cat and enjoy the rest of your life.

Divorce him. Anyone who puts his dick into you, knowing that doing so causes you pain, is an abuser.

@Bader

"I’m in a situation where I can’t make myself heard" because he is not listening and quite frankly, doesn't care.

In your professional setting you advocate for women, this is so much more important @Bader all the decisions here, are yours to make.

Remind us all why you have to stay?

If he'd offered to forego vaginal intercourse and suggested she used her mouth or hands to spare her the pain, that might be reasonable. But after what he's said, why would she want to stay with him?

I don't know what that is, but it isn't love. Being single is lovely and peaceful, especially in menopause.

This. Now.

Why are you even considering remaining in a relationship with someone who would derive pleasure from causing you serious pain?

This man doesn't love you. You are no more than a robot cook, cleaner and sex doll.

You deserve so much better than this

Please leave OP. Imagine you had a daughter who came to you saying her bf or husband wanted to have sex with her knowing it hurt her but didn't care, would you tell her this was a man who loved her? Who cared about her? Would you want her to waste anymore of her life trying to please this man?
Now she tells you she's tried to get him to go to counselling and he refused to continue because he didn't want to hear what the trained therapist said and didn't want to change his behaviour, would you tell her there was any hope for the future?

The worst thing we as women do is try to hold on for a change of behaviour or cling to the idea we'll get back the person we started dating but you need to listen to his behaviour and his words are his worst moments because those little glimpses of the man you once knew are control tactics to keep you trapped. Leaving doesn't waste the time you've had together but it is a waste to spend any more of your life with this disgusting man.

He divorced prior to us meeting. His reason: his ex wife was unpleasant to him and didn't want sex.

In other words she wouldn’t tolerate being used as a vessel for him to cum into on demand and refused to allow herself to be sexually coerced.

Hes showing you exactly why his narrative broke down - he sees women as a hole to stick his dick into. He has zero respect or compassion, as long as his dick gets a regular dip.

Btw I’m sure sex by coercion is considered abuse and assault so a criminal offence.

I feel very alone and not sure how to resolve this so that we’re both happy.

He is a vile horrible man, a coercive abusive sex pest who doesn't give a shit about you.

You deserve so much better than this. You resolve this by dumping him. Do it today.

I guarantee you will feel so much happier.

And after the way he has behaved towards you, who gives a shit whether the abusive arsehole is happy or not? He can go and wank into a sock.

His treatment of you is appalling. It's abusive. He knows sex causes you to be in pain and he doesn't care. You have to start your plan to leave - sooner rather than later.

Oh op, half way through the conversation I thought “so his frustration trumps your pain”, but then the conversation continued and he actually wants you to mask it!

You know deep down how awful this is. Hopefully everyone else saying the same thing, will give you the impetus needed to kick him into the long grass.

@Bader he told you he divorced due to lack of sex, he told you who he was right there, a man who only cares if he gets sex, nevermind love, years together, kindness, just sex.
Any man whose happy to complain sex is shit so you should ignore your pain and pretend to enjoy it is lower than a snake. You're not married, just leave or chuck him out. He will never change, do yourself a massive favour and get rid.

The same as previous posters, this is really, really awful. There’s a conversation that can be had between two people who love one another but have different sex drives, and in some cases that might only resolve in not being together, but what kind of man can still get satisfaction knowing his partner is in pain, and would ask for you to regularly go through that pain on his behalf? Just horrible.

Honestly, this is so troubling. Don’t stay with this man.

He's a rapist OP.

There is more to this than the impossibility within his own terms of you giving meaningful consent - he is obviously emotionally abusive too - but fundamentally, he's a rapist.

Fucking hell, I'm genuinely shocked by his clear-eyed analysis - usually men like this can't actually look at the reality of what they do/want.

It's honestly verging on psychopathy.

For God's sake, please please leave him.

I can’t express how awful this is op. I’m sure that reading all this must be hard but this is worse than you think.

What have I just read? What are you thinking in trying to find a solution or rationalising or justifying or whatever it is you are trying to achieve here. You bloody well know the answer, so go - or forever deal with this man's selfish sex obsession which is bordering on coercion and control, and I am guessing that spills over into other aspects of your lives.

I'm sorry.

What an appalling man. I'm sorry, @Bader

You may work to empower women's voices, but it's a shock when it comes home that it's your own voice that needs empowering isn't it. What would you tell someone at work who said that their partner demanded sex every three days, knowing that it hurt them?

You divorce him

That would work

He's vile