Is this as troubling as I think?

[Bader]

My OH and I have been together 7 years. We own a house jointly between us. He has grown up kids. I have none. He divorced prior to us meeting. His reason: his ex wife was unpleasant to him and didn’t want sex.
Sex was good between us for the first two-three years. I then entered what I now know was perimenopause. I’ve tried everything to help me deal with that but I have zero libido and low mood plus I’ve had endometriosis and adenomyosis for 5 years. I’m on hrt patches. Testosterone gel has done nothing to help.

My OH has a v high sex drive. He equates sex with intimacy. Sex for me is painful. Vaginally and deeper pain on occasion. I have erratic and lengthy periods and regular UTIs. It is not a pleasurable experience but, notwithstanding this, he wants sex. Despite me being in pain he can still do it and reach ejaculation.

If we don’t have sex every couple of days he becomes moody and unpleasant. Nothing physical but it’s like he really doesn’t like me. We have sex and he’s fine again.
He wanted sex last night as he’s been away for a few days. I’m in the midst of another heavy period. I also have cramping. I asked if we could wait to which he said “there’s always an excuse” so I agreed to sex.
It hurt. He stopped and said he was sleeping in another room as it’s always the same “excuse”.

This morning we had the following conversation:
Me: Working from an agreed basis that the conditions I have do cause pain what is the outcome you want

• sex as in intercourse every three days

And knowing I have pain how would you want me to deal with that.

• well sex is shit for me because you’re in pain and I don’t like that

So is your suggestion that I mask it? I pretend it’s fine and internalise it?

• Yes

Do you think that is problematic?

• no

Is that something you’re happy with

• yes. It’s an acceptable compromise otherwise I have to feel frustrated and that’s not fair.

Do you think that might have a psychological impact on me?

• I don’t know but at the moment it’s having a psychological impact on me so it’s compromise for you to take some of that.

Im a professional woman who is constantly trying to make sure “women’s voices” are listened to in the workplace and yet I’m in a situation where I can’t make myself heard.
We have tried couples counselling but the counsellor gave him advice he didn’t like so it stopped.

Has anyone been in this position please? I feel very alone and not sure how to resolve this so that we’re both happy.

Why? Why do you think so little of yourself? What a vile horrible man 🥺

What have I just read? I’m so sorry for what you’re living through but please believe you are worth so much more and you don’t need to stay with this rapist. You are in an extremely abusive relationship and yes it’s is so much worse than you think. How can you bear to be in the same room as him, it must be so hard. When you ask how you can make things better for both of you that tells me he has manipulated you into thinking that you are responsible for ensuring his happiness and he has you convinced you’ve failed unless you comply with his demands. That’s complete crap, the only way you can be happy is to leave this abusive relationship. Him on the other hand will never be happy but that’s not your problem. Contact women’s aid and get support to leave, you deserve to have a happy peaceful life free from your abuser.

This. Run. You’ll be so much happier on your own.

He is a horrible man. He is indifferent to your pain and only sees his own needs. Do you love anything about him? It's hard to see how you could. I definitely think you need to make plans to leave this man who can enjoy sex that hurts you and sees it as his right.

I do think that, going forwards, if you do meet another partner (you may not wish to!) it's probably unreasonable to expect anyone to live without sex permanently - and unfair on you too (if you have previously liked sex) so it would be good to see if you can resolve the issues that are causing you so much pain. It may be that it is only PIV that causes discomfort, and you could explore other routes to sexual fulfilment.

But I wouldn't even consider any of that with this man. He doesn't deserve a second more of your time or consideration. He sounds like a selfish, callous, sadistic cunt.

No respect for you or any other for that matter most probably! Get him gone!

He wants to deliberately inflict pain on you at least every three days to get himself off and he wants you to shut up and not complain about it. This is horrific. Please leave this vile selfish abusive man.

“Troubling” doesn’t quite cover it. What an awful man.

Wow - he actually said the quiet bit out loud. I think too many men would think their needs outweigh the partner’s discomfort, but not so many would voice it.
I’m not ever sure where the entitlement to sex comes from, but it’s a deep rooted belief for some I know, and one they’re unlikely to come out of with rational discussion.
I think the best thing he did was be so honest - you now have a decision to make, not so difficult a one really, but I appreciate separating is not simple. Just balance the sexual expectations that leave you in pain regularly without regard for your feelings, that will make you ‘nasty’ in his view very soon, or sleeping peacefully for the rest of your life.
As said a lot on here, he’s told you who he is, believe him.
Best wishes OP.

no more sex. Get rid. Tell him to use his hand. Life without the pressure of having to have sex just to please him will be so much better!

OMG this is horrendous.

he has no respect for you, he doesn’t listen and he coerces you into having sex.

please stand up for yourself.

this man is abusing you.

now you know why is first wife left, as he was abusing her too!

Fortunately, you don't have any children with this horrible man and you aren't married so you can leave. There is no way that you can have a happy future together as he is sexually abusive and doesn't even see you as a person. Your physical pain means nothing to him. You have said that you are a professional woman so hopefully you will be able to manage financially on your own.

Speak to Women's Aid for advice about how to leave him safely as this is a clear case of abuse.

I wouldn’t want to have sex with him ever again never mind every few days. What a selfish man.

It can't be easy having so many replies saying basically the same thing @Bader but, most importantly, it can only confirm how unreasonable and unkind your partner is being. How are you? It'll take some getting your head round, I'm sure

I'm so sorry op.
You don't need couples counselling they likely won't be equipped to deal with this. He needs therapy for entitlement and abuse. I'd reccomend Chris jones therapy. However he needs to want to change himself which clearly by what you've said he doesn't. I would focus on you getting safety from him.

This is very much a him issue and clearly pre dates you. Do what you need to feel safe.

This

I really feel for you OP
So you really need to ask?
If you have a BFF in rl maybe have a frank conversation with her
Get some support around you and run for the hills x

You haven’t come back OP and I can imagine these comments are pretty hard to read. You’re probably saying to yourself ‘no you’re wrong about him’ but deep down you know we are all right.

Please take your time to digest what everyone has told you and do what’s right for you, not him YOU.

Please don’t let this man abuse you for his own sexual gratification. And please try and speak to someone in RL if you can - you know this isn’t right that’s why you’ve started the thread but maybe the hard brutal truth is too much for you right now

This is rape. I’m so sorry.

Exit this relationship today, there is no coming back from this.

You're being sexually coerced.

It's literally a crime. He is a literal criminal who should be on the sex offender's list, if you want to get technical.

I know it's more nuanced than that in reality but then again no it isn't. He enjoys and gets sexual pleasure from you being in pain.

I could go even further with my summation of him. He's absolute scum.

There is a very easy way to resolve this problem. Pack his bags, open door, throw him and his bags out, close and lock door! What an absolutely ghastly man! Seriously, you want to resolve this so youre BOTH happy? A man who obviously doesn’t give a flying fuck that you’re in pain, wants you to act as if you’re enjoying sex just to make him feel better? Wants you to compromise by doing exactly what he wants coz it’s not fair he’s feeling frustrated. Well boo-bloody-hoo! Leave him, or throw him out, now! I think he’s made it clear what kind of man he is. A chauvinistic bastard, who has no respect whatsoever for you.

Im so sorry OP but I cannot imagine my husband wanting to have sex when it hurts me. Your husband needs putting right in the bin the fucking horror.

I haven't had sex with my husband for ages thanks to the perimenopause and although I know he would very much like to I simply do not want to, so he doesn't sulk like some awful pig and make me do it when I don't want to - that is coercion.

So sorry again, OP. Hope you find the strength to bin him.