Is this as troubling as I think?

[Bader]

My OH and I have been together 7 years. We own a house jointly between us. He has grown up kids. I have none. He divorced prior to us meeting. His reason: his ex wife was unpleasant to him and didn’t want sex.
Sex was good between us for the first two-three years. I then entered what I now know was perimenopause. I’ve tried everything to help me deal with that but I have zero libido and low mood plus I’ve had endometriosis and adenomyosis for 5 years. I’m on hrt patches. Testosterone gel has done nothing to help.

My OH has a v high sex drive. He equates sex with intimacy. Sex for me is painful. Vaginally and deeper pain on occasion. I have erratic and lengthy periods and regular UTIs. It is not a pleasurable experience but, notwithstanding this, he wants sex. Despite me being in pain he can still do it and reach ejaculation.

If we don’t have sex every couple of days he becomes moody and unpleasant. Nothing physical but it’s like he really doesn’t like me. We have sex and he’s fine again.
He wanted sex last night as he’s been away for a few days. I’m in the midst of another heavy period. I also have cramping. I asked if we could wait to which he said “there’s always an excuse” so I agreed to sex.
It hurt. He stopped and said he was sleeping in another room as it’s always the same “excuse”.

This morning we had the following conversation:
Me: Working from an agreed basis that the conditions I have do cause pain what is the outcome you want

• sex as in intercourse every three days

And knowing I have pain how would you want me to deal with that.

• well sex is shit for me because you’re in pain and I don’t like that

So is your suggestion that I mask it? I pretend it’s fine and internalise it?

• Yes

Do you think that is problematic?

• no

Is that something you’re happy with

• yes. It’s an acceptable compromise otherwise I have to feel frustrated and that’s not fair.

Do you think that might have a psychological impact on me?

• I don’t know but at the moment it’s having a psychological impact on me so it’s compromise for you to take some of that.

Im a professional woman who is constantly trying to make sure “women’s voices” are listened to in the workplace and yet I’m in a situation where I can’t make myself heard.
We have tried couples counselling but the counsellor gave him advice he didn’t like so it stopped.

Has anyone been in this position please? I feel very alone and not sure how to resolve this so that we’re both happy.

Yes it is. Now leave him. What a cunt.

My god. We teach our daughters that anything that isn’t enthusiastic consent is rape don’t we? He sounds like a rapist. I’m so sorry. Please leave him as safely and as quickly as you can.

Fuck OP, get rid of this awful excuse of a man. Why are you even considering this. Only thing you should be asking here is how do I get out ASAP.

This was so upsetting to read. Please leave him. He’s a horrible bully.

God I fucking hate men.

My first ever comment on a mumsnet thread and it’s a classic - LTB

HE is coercing you to have sex. That is the same as sexual abuse in my opinion as he is fully aware of what he is doing to you, but still does it. making out it is reasonable, holding it over your head that he divorced his ex as she was unwilling to have sex, another red flag. The lack of consideration and refusal to see things from your perspective it abuse.

Let him go.

He's an absolute pig, I actually gasped out loud reading your post. LTB

100% - there’s no communication issue. He’s hearing her loud and clear - he just doesn’t give a fuck what are thinks/says as long as his dick gets wet.

OP - you can’t have couples counselling if there’s abuse which in your case there absolutely is.

He can bugger off. I have cancer, which makes having sex painful. Dh and I haven’t had sex for 2 years. Is he a bit sad about it? I’m sure. Does he complain about it ever? Nope. Because he’s not an absolute twat.

He's a monster.

Ugh my vagina would seal up. He is a selfish, rapey arsehole

Honestly, this to a certain extent is what killed my relationship too. I just didn't want to have unfulfilling sex that left me sore and close to tears, and he didn't want to put in the effort to have sex that was enjoyable for me, so he decided that I 'just didn't want to have sex' and it turned out went off and had sex (honestly, I hesitate to call it that - because the way I found out was the girl - and she was very young compared to us - sending him pictures of her body covered in bruises and asking when he was coming back to give her more!) with other people. Which obviously was unacceptable for many reasons.

There's no solving it. If he just considers you a masterbatory aid then that's not going to change.

Maybe you could ask if you could give him vigorous anal without lube with a dildo just to see if he would agree to pain to please you?

He’s vile, forget health issues what’s remotely sexy about him 🤢🤮

I'm so sorry that the person who is meant to love and treasure you more than anyone else in the world is treating you this way.
He needs a sex doll - it won't have any human feelings or conditions to consider.

Oh my god. He is beyond awful. Sex is clearly his priority and your welfare, comfort and needs NOWHERE on his list of priorities.

A lot of men are just vile. Happy to have sex with someone (anyone) who’s getting no pleasure at all from it.

Do yourself a big favour and start planning to leave this bastard.

This is horrendous.
I cannot see any way back from that conversation and it was bad enough before that.
Please end this relationship.

Some men just don't consider women to be human beings. Its fucking depressing.

he's abusive and coercive. Do you really want to be with a man who thinks him having penetrative sex with you is more important than you not suffering……?! You cannot stay with this man.

Whilst I agree wholeheartedly in what everyone has said there is one way to put the nail in the coffin. Ask him if he is prepared to compromise in that you do foreplay and orgasms without penetration because you would also get pleasure in that rather than just pain. If he says no the relationship is over. Really sorry OP but you can't live like that. I have a friend whose BF was the same. If she refused he got moody and aggressive, punched walls and sulked. She found herself having sex when she didnt want it and eventually they split up.

I've only read your OP, so apologies if the thread has moved on....

Seriously @Bader fuck that shit and fuck him, not in the physical sense. The pain in sex during menopause is excruciating and is actually causing damage if you ignore it. Even lubing up doesn't always help enough. The fact he is happy for you to suffer so get gets to ejaculate is beyond anything. If he wants to do that then he needs to get an inflatable doll.
I wouldn't stay with someone who had those views and I would tell them to educate themselves.
He didn't like what the counsellor said during the sessions. Were they anything outrageous?

Sadly. I agree.
He is utterly brazen about it too.
He understands and recognises that it causes you pain and he has calmly stated that he just doesn't care as long and you obey him.
His wants are all that matter and he is happy to state that.

Ducks in a row and LTB

Beyond troubling frankly. My DH can be a dick sometimes (can’t we all) but would he demand sex from me if he knew it hurt me? Absolutely not. And if he did? He would be told, expressly and clearly, to fuck right off. Has he not yet realised that sex is supposed to be pleasurable for both participants??

Just to echo many posts here, this is absolutely horrendous behaviour. Please do not think that this man can ever be an adequate partner. He’s abusive.

OP have you honestly tolerated painful coercive sex for most of this relationship?

I may be wrong but I can’t imagine this is the only issue. It’s rare for controlling abusive wankers to be perfect partners other than one area.