Dying Sisters BF wants her to have his kids

[BePeppyDuck]

So my sister (28) broke down crying the other day after her and her BF got into an argument. Her BF (29) has been diagnosed with cancer and hasnt got much time to live but her BF was accusing her of not loving him enough and was saying that he wants to sell the house now. He paid the deposite and was also paying the mortgage, He also was paying for life insurance so my sister wouldnt have to worry about paying the mortgage if he passes.

He's actually a really nice man and they never once got into an argument. He helped out my sister and my family Alot but my sister says that she doesnt see the point in having his kids because he wont be around and she doesnt want her kids growing up without a father.

But although he paid the deposite and mortgage, the house is in both of thier names. He started saying that my sister must not love him enough because she wont have his kids and that he doesnt want to die only for her to have kids with another man in a mortgage free house in which he paid the deposite for. I think my sister wants to keep the house but she doesnt have enough money to buy him out or even pay the monthly mortgage.

I dont know what I should do in this situation or what advice to give

When faced with their own mortality most people want their partner to be financially secure and open to meeting another partner if and when they felt ready. They wouldn’t threaten to make their grieving partner homeless if they didn’t agree to have a hypothetical child who could physically never meet their own father. It’s hugely irresponsible and borderline coercive. Not the actions of a truly loving partner but and selfish one.

Let him freeze the sperm, it doesn’t need to be used.

but it does also give some back up plan to your sister if she wants it. She’s 28 now, in a few years she could be wanting children yet be single and grieving and not in the right head space to find someone new in a short period of time.

There is a also a risk that if she is in a position of wanting children in a few years and is looking for a man to have them with. The mortgage free home and potential desperation could make her attract the wrong man.

@BePeppyDuck how long have they known each other/been together?

There has been no suggestion that the sister is planning on lying to him. Clearly the sister has been honest with him that she does not want to do this, hence the argument that the OP posted in the OP.

You're also just assuming he's trying to leave money to his relatives, as if that's what's important to him. Going by what he's saying it sounds more like he just doesn't want her to have the house unless she agrees to have his child, if he sold the house the money could be going to a charity for all you know, or maybe he intends to blow it, we don't know, but going by what he has said the main reason he wants to sell is because he just does not want her or any future partner of hers or future children of hers to benefit, which is why he wants to sell the house.

obviously she shouldn’t be pressured into this if she doesn’t want to. Personally I prob would want my partners children but each to their own.
If he’s terminally ill he might not even be able to have children - medications/treatment can all impact sperm.
it’s his house by the sounds of it, if he’s paid the deposit and mortgage, if he wants to sell it, despite it being quite an odd predicament to put your sister in it’s his.

Id agree to him freezing his sperm and just tell him yes she will use it. Honestly life changes. she can choose not to do that in the future.

He's actually a really nice man

really? The way I'm reading is that in order to give his parents comfort, he's emotionally blackmailing his girlfriend into having his children and tying her to him, even after his death. That's absolutely crazy.

what a condition to place on someone! And tying it to a financial constraint with the house is even more reprehensible.

This poor woman is about to be effectively widowed and is being called a gold digger and accused of moving a loser into the house.

Have some compassion people.
Ffs.

No harm in that. I think it's quite responsible actually. What if she gets to a later age & would like to have kids solo ?
Also if she doesn't & isnt concerned he'd be dead anyway so hardly pissed about her changing her mind.

There house seems like a pressure cooker right now though with him being terminal & her wanting to prep herself for life alone hence the fight about kids, money, futures. I know alot of people "stick it out" because a partner "needs" you but also some couples don't make it & they very well may be one who don't. It's ok to walk away & end a relationship your not capable of being in you have to remember that life is not just about the house she thinks she's going to get, he very much might change his will & leave his half to charity which will be far more of a nightmare situation then you expect.

Think she needs to check the T&Cs of the mortgage insurance as someone I know didn’t qualify when his wife died due her medical process. Also many only pay out half if it’s a joint mortgage with the expectation that the surviving spouse continues to work and pay remain 1/2 of the mortgage.

He's absolutely NOT a really nice man. Of course she must not give in to this horrible bullying, she's not a walking uterus and his children have the right to have their father in their lives. People do die and life does come between parents and children but nobody who is a nice or decent person would wish that utter certainty on their children or their significant other.

It sounds like he is quite happy to make it far harder for her in every single way. Being terminally ill doesn't give you any right to ruin other people's lives.

Tell her to tell him NO.

Actually, better yet tell her to lie to him, saying yes she will impregnate herself with his sperm when she is older, and then when he dies she can grieve in the normal way and find another partner instead and have kids in her own way and own time with the future partner - if she wants them.

It's what he deserves and will shut him up, and he can die in peace, thinking he got his way.

She can sell the house when he dies and find something she, a single woman with no kids, can afford to live in reasonably on her own.

This. She doesn’t have to decide either way now.

If I were him, I would actually cancel the insurance and leave my share of whatever the house is worth to my family. She needs to go and get a full time job. Why expect to be paid fir?. He will die and she will marry someone else who will end up getting half of his house!. NOPE!

Would you say the same thing if the roles were reversed?. Why are men expected to pay for women's lives?. They are not married and have no children!

if Having chemo he would have had his sperm frozen or asked if he wanted it

I wouldn’t plan to get preg knowing the dad was going to die.

being a widow is tough and tho at the time I wanted to be preg I’m glad I wasn’t as looking after a newborn and myself would have been very hard after dh died

Some women do chose to have children using a deceased partners sperm but the important thing is it is their choice (I'm not sure of the morality from the child's POV but at least it is wanted) This is not what your sister wants and I would be advising her to make it clear to her partner that while she loves him, she will not be emotionally and financially blackmailed into doing this and is prepared to walk away and he can leave his share of the house (etc) to whoever he wishes. She is young and will be able to remake her life, she's not 80+ and being left destitute.

He is probably in fairness (understandably) not thinking straight but it doesn't mean she has to go along with such wishes or deceive him.

To those saying maybe she doesnt want a child - they were planning on children before he got cancer so she did want a child. Still raising a child alone is a lot more difficult than being a 2 parent family, and even that is hard work so it's understandable if she doesnt think she could do it or doesnt want to do it. Still know that I would want to keep part of someone I really loved, so I think he's right, she loves him but not enough. Equally if he really loved her he wouldnt want her to maybe struggle raising a child alone and he wouldnt ask.

Desperately sad for both of them and maybe he could register as a sperm donor and let someone else choose to have his child and raise it.

Her having his child(ren) wouldn't mean that she stayed single though.

There could be another man living in the house & bringing his kids up!

Personally I think he should leave his share of the house to whomever he wants.

That would leave her in the position that she is currently in.

Hard to tell if he isn't nice or just lashing out at the unfairness of it all.

She needs to get on the pill sharpish.

Firstly so sorry for your sister, and her dp. What an awful situation all.around. It sounds like he needs to talk to a counsellor. It's a lot. Your sister too. With regards to the agreeing to have his childre, of course she shouldn't be pressured to make a decision now. It's entirely different wanting to raise a family together and having a kid to make him/ his family happy. Again, counselling will help with this. There have been a lot of comments about marriage. Tell her to watch ' finding Alice's on the BBC. Tells the story of a woman whose long tim partner died suddenly ( they had a kid) and what a nightmare it was re the house as they hadn't got married. I am not saying she needs to, but just get her to talk to a solicitor to make sure his parents can't cause problems after he dies. Wishing them both the best.

I think she should marry him - gives her security and makes him happy.

If he's terminal she shouldn't have a baby with him now, but it might be an idea to freeze his sperm so that it can be used if he recovers, if there is any chance at all of that.

She then also has the option to use the sperm to get pregnant later on if she wants a child but is single.

She should marry him and freeze his sperm. He will never know what happens. She can't be forced to use it. It sounds like he's reacting to the awful situation he's in. It would be kinder for her to agree to do it.

I mean agree to do it but not feel obliged to actually do it.

Such a sad situation, he is so young. Your poor sister. She needs to do what feels right for her right now. It sounds as though he’s being quite controlling, whether he is meaning to or not (maybe in shock?) But almost like when he passes he doesn’t ever want her to move on with anyone else. Unless she really wants kids, and his kids especially, I would not be getting pregnant. He can’t tell her how to live her life after he dies.