Dying Sisters BF wants her to have his kids

[BePeppyDuck]

So my sister (28) broke down crying the other day after her and her BF got into an argument. Her BF (29) has been diagnosed with cancer and hasnt got much time to live but her BF was accusing her of not loving him enough and was saying that he wants to sell the house now. He paid the deposite and was also paying the mortgage, He also was paying for life insurance so my sister wouldnt have to worry about paying the mortgage if he passes.

He's actually a really nice man and they never once got into an argument. He helped out my sister and my family Alot but my sister says that she doesnt see the point in having his kids because he wont be around and she doesnt want her kids growing up without a father.

But although he paid the deposite and mortgage, the house is in both of thier names. He started saying that my sister must not love him enough because she wont have his kids and that he doesnt want to die only for her to have kids with another man in a mortgage free house in which he paid the deposite for. I think my sister wants to keep the house but she doesnt have enough money to buy him out or even pay the monthly mortgage.

I dont know what I should do in this situation or what advice to give

Can your sister just agree to look after his frozen sperm to give him comfort and hope, but only consider a pregnancy once she is over the grief etc.?
It might be that she never feels right about it.
And it would be too much to fall pregnant while coping with his illness.

As a partner if her name is on the deeds then she will be entitled to 50% of the equity. If her name isn’t on the deeds then she is entitled to £0

If she had his a child the above would still apply but as the child would inherit them as the mother she could stay in the house for the next 18 years

She needs to get advice itmight be advantageous financially marry before he dies.

Is his diagnosis certain?

Unless she signs a commitment in writing she cannot be compelled to do ivf with his sperm after his death and even then it might not hold water legally .

And he will not be around anyway
She can just move on and see if his relatives try to force her thru the courts but is her body and we not yet the usa

Awful

What kind of a legacy does he want to leave the world, people at his funeral will be wondering why his grieving partner is also being made homeless. It’s because he’s financially blackmailed her from beyond the grave to have a child. How would the kid feel when they discover the reason they were born without a dad is because their Mum would have been homeless if she hadn’t had them?

If he knows he is dying, in his mind he finds comfort that his sperm could go on to produce children after his death and therefore carry his genes. To a dying man that is something to hold on to.

For the living, it is quite distasteful and unfair on any children that are born this way.

In her shoes I would pacify him by accepting what he says about freezing his sperm as once he has passed she can do what she likes.

I don’t think it’s a good idea for either of them to have any kind of conflict before he passes.

What an awful situation for them both.

It sounds like he's trying to protect his parents. We don't know where he got the deposit money, was it a gift from them?

It must be devastating to know your are dying in your 20s and likewise for his parents.

I don't think her having his child is a good idea at the moment its almost a knee jerk reaction

But she might feel differently in 6 or 7 years time. If she approaches mid 30s with not other partner in sight

Yes, he wants to carry on his genetic line, he won’t be a father. He’s not even considered the feelings of the hypothetical child. Are they banned for life from having a step father?

@LunaShadowthat's not correct. If they're not actually married it's not at all clear that she inherits anything. They whole 'common law' is a red herring. I don't know why people believe it in this day and age. Living together as if you are married is nowhere near the same thing as married. Not on a legal basis. It makes things much more complicated. If she is named on the mortgage with a survivorship clause she will inherit his half of the mortgage ( but will need to remortgage on her salary to keep the house). If she's named on the mortgage without such a clause then she doesn't automatically inherit and it's trickier. If there's a will naming her as inheriting the house then she may get it if she can remortgage, if there's no will then it is much more likely to go to his parents.

So tempted to link this thread into the child free board.

That question hasn't been answered but whether she has a child because "she truly wants one" or has a child to keep the house she would still have a child by the dead boyfriend. And who would know the difference?

Unless I'm getting this wrong the theory is that she is a gold digger, lazy, scrounging off the boyfriend and should be out of the house once he dies. Fine but it seems to me that if she has a baby by this man then all is fine she's no longer any of those things and can keep the house.

Also very curious whether intention matters here. If she intends to have a child (naturally now, frozen sperm later) but miscarries, can't concieve, sperm not viable etc. would it be fine for her to stay in the house then? Or are we treating women like dairy cows and if she can't Carry a baby to term then off with her head?

But as @Someone2025 said I'm an intelligent sheep so really shouldn't be thinking about such things.

I totally agree @Alucard55 Tell you what those posters have made a rod for their own backs because next time they come on to a strip club/lap dancing thread and say it isnt ok to buy a woman the usual suspects will come on here and say, well you thought it was ok for a woman to be bought by a man if she got pregnant to keep a house.

Exactly. Very good point it seems like women/women's bodies can be bought in certain circumstances but not others.

Is it even allowed to use a person's sperm/eggs once they have passed away?

Yes and no.
You need consent to do so. We did IVF there were a bundle of legal papers to be signed with regards to any eggs, sperm and embryos should one or other of you die. Or should you split up
Its a while ago so I can't quite remember the details but they definitely had a bundle of legal consents.

Completely agree with this (although would change “too much” to “complete insanity”). I would agree to freezing the sperm even if I had no plans to use it as it’s a dying man’s wish and he won’t know whether I use it or not. It will probably give him a bit of comfort and then I have the option if I change my mind

Sounds like he is trying to trap her and set her up for a miserable life. Doesn’t seem like the actions of a loving partner.

No I don’t think it bad it’s the only solution tbh !

I think he should concentrate on the now.
He should write a will & get power of attorney set up
They could sell up & he could spend his money doing a bucket list of things
One of those bucket things may be a child

It sounds like early days

I'm with the say what makes him happy group. You don't need to use it, but also if she feels she wants children and doesn't have a partner in the future it gives her an option.

Umm...

why is nobody pointing out the by the same logic he doesn't love her enough if he doesn't genuinely does not want her to be secure and happy again in the future? Even if it is with another love.

I suppose there are different ways of loving people but this for sure ain't my way!

I’ve had two close girlfriends whose partners died very young - both of cancer. In both instances the men ended the relationships despite them being together for many years. It was totally bizarre and my friends were completely devastated because they’d cared for them throughout their illnesses. I just don’t think the men were thinking straight and were full of anger and regret they hadn’t done more with their lives as they saw them slipping away. Both were under 40. I’m not sure what I’m trying to add here but this behaviour is not uncommon. I also have stage 4 cancer and know the rollercoaster of emotions it brings.

They could become tenants in common and he then leaves his half to someone if she remarries because she then sells?

She cannot possibly agree to having his children after he dies. She may want to, she may not.

He's probably not thinking clearly as he feels robbed of a future that may have included children. And she probably will meet someone else but that doesn't mean she loves him any less.

I can see his POV. I think the idea of having a child is a way of leaving something of yourself behind. However, It’s for you sister to decide. I can only comment from a personal POV. If I was in love with someone and intended to settle down with him, I think having a child with him would feel like natural thing to do, especially if it was important to him, although I don’t think I would have more than one if I was to bring it up on my own.