Dying Sisters BF wants her to have his kids

[BePeppyDuck]

So my sister (28) broke down crying the other day after her and her BF got into an argument. Her BF (29) has been diagnosed with cancer and hasnt got much time to live but her BF was accusing her of not loving him enough and was saying that he wants to sell the house now. He paid the deposite and was also paying the mortgage, He also was paying for life insurance so my sister wouldnt have to worry about paying the mortgage if he passes.

He's actually a really nice man and they never once got into an argument. He helped out my sister and my family Alot but my sister says that she doesnt see the point in having his kids because he wont be around and she doesnt want her kids growing up without a father.

But although he paid the deposite and mortgage, the house is in both of thier names. He started saying that my sister must not love him enough because she wont have his kids and that he doesnt want to die only for her to have kids with another man in a mortgage free house in which he paid the deposite for. I think my sister wants to keep the house but she doesnt have enough money to buy him out or even pay the monthly mortgage.

I dont know what I should do in this situation or what advice to give

He’s obviously - and understandably - in shock and not thinking straight. Pits basically a version of the “bargaining” stage: “I know I will die, but I can live on through my children”.

There are plenty of examples of women having children using their dead partner’s sperm, so there’s nothing weird about having a dead man’s children, but of course it’s her choice.

And he’s perfectly free to change the beneficiaries of his life insurance if he’s worried about her wasting the money.

She shouldn’t make promises but she can go along with the freezing of sperm on the basis that she will see how she feels along the line. Grief does all sorts of things to a person. She might feel she wants to, she might not. But saying she’ll be thinking about it, albeit without making actual promises, should give him a modicum of comfort.

@Sunshineandgrapefruit
Did you actually read the OP?
I didn’t mention ‘common law’ because I know that’s not a real thing - I said partner. The OP says that she is on the deeds and that he has taken insurance for the specific purpose of paying the mortgage on the event of his death to provide security for her.
Although it’s not expressly stated, I think it’s a reasonable assumption that his Will also conveys his share of the property to his partner, as she is the beneficiary of his life insurance.

Your sister needs legal advice. Are they joint tenants on the mortgage or tenants in common? That’ll determine what he can do with his half of the property. McMillan might be able to signpost where to get help about this.

She could go along with it, he'll never find out.

She is named on the deeds so entitled to 50%. The OP also states insurance is in place to pay off the mortgage in the event of the his death.
My comment was based on the information contained within the OP.

In her place I would agree to feeeze the sperm, and tell him that she will need to see how she manages without him (ie no promises) and that she might not be in any fit state to be a mother on her own and bereaved. How she will manage financially, and reassure him that she loves him deeply. His sadness is coming from a place of deep fear and of becoming obsolete and forgotten.

This is the truth, and not a lie, it allows him the comfort of knowing it is a possibility. Reassure him - organise end of life counselling asap and be very gentle. He is in a dire place, and some compassion and understanding are essential now.

I agree

Why upset him more at this point

He’s trying to control her from beyond the grave. Unfortunately.

My advice would be to sell up and walk away from this emotionally abusive man!
how dare he tell her she has to have his kids or else!!
I think she needs to move out asap and tell him that she will not be emotionally blackmailed into having children she may end up raising alone!

He’s off his rocker. No. But she doesn’t necessarily have to tell him no know. Let her secure her future and then she can decide.

Yes, hasn't he family he can leave the house to? If they don't have kids together and she didn't pay anything towards it, why should she keep it

So he’s saying that she can only have the house etc if she agrees to have his children and never meet anyone else and have kids with them and live mortgage free in HIS house!?!?….. yeah he sounds lovely

I've only read your posts so sorry if someone else has already pointed this out, but they absolutely SHOULD get married before he dies because, as his spouse, she would inherit everything from him free of Inheritance Tax even if the value of his estate is above the IHT threshold of £500k (i.e. the nil-rate band of £325 + the residence nil-rate band of £175k gives a combined IHT nil-rate threshold of £500k) . However, as his partner, without the protection of marriage or civil partnership, she would have to pay 40% IHT on the value of his estate above £500k. I also hope he's written a Will.

He is dying, lets give the man some grace...

I was entirely on the sister's side until i read it laid out like this by @Gingernessy. Now I think perhaps he wants to leave his money to his parents or other family if not able to have children himself. I can somewhat sympathise given this way of looking at it.

That doesn't negate that it is a terrible idea though and your sister should not in any way feel obligated to do it.

Well that's emotional blackmail!

It doesn't sound like he has a house to leave to his family.

It will only be paid off by the insurance if he dies while he has the house surely, if he sells before that then he'll only get X amount and presumably she's entitled to some of that whether she paid or not? I'm not sure about UK laws on this.

Things to remember. There is no guarantee she will meet another man.

I do think it might be worthwhile him freezing sperm because while right now she might not what to complicate life by having a child, she might feel differently in 4 or 5 years time.

But they also need to be careful his parents don't end up putting pressure on her to have a child.

I can see why he doesn't want to have a random in a house paid for with his insurance money. But he also cant go making his partner homeless.

They probably need legal advice and councilling to deal with the horrendous cards they have been dealt

It doesn’t seem right to me to have children knowing their dad died before they were even conceived.

And having to tell your child their dad died five years before they were born definitely seems wrong to me, thinking about it from the child’s pov.

Can I ask if you're/ your sister is 100% sure he's dying?

Just freeze the sperm and tell him you’ll have his kids. He won’t know: he’ll be dead.

how long have they been together?

What a horrible situation for them both. I think it sounds like your sister is distancing herself from him and considering her future without him, self preservation, which is a very normal reaction to this situation. She may feel very different after he dies though so if he’s been offered to freeze his sperm it may be worth it for her sake to have that option. As for the house she should encourage him to make a will, whether that’s leaving everything to her or not, it’s in both their best interests and will save her and his family further upset after. Not what you asked but he should write down his wishes for his remains too as, unless they do marry, your sister will have no say in the arrangements etc.