Remember me? An Update...

[SweetBabyCheesus]

I don't know if any of you remember my thread from months back, about being the only sibling not invited to my brother's wedding, because the "real" wedding is abroad, and I'm invited to that. Here's a link to the thread, but it's a long one!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5271618-am-i-being-an-absolute-baby-over-this-need-some-advice-please?page=1

I just wanted to update the lovely and kind posters that were so amazing when I was so upset. I really didn't want to just leave it, because you were all so lovely.

It's been an awful few months to be honest. I have spoken to my brother several times since, and unfortunately all of the conversations have ended badly, culminating in the last one last night, where I ended up calling him a cunt 🤦🏻‍♀️ and hanging up on him.

It turns out that the reason I wasn't invited to the original registry office thing was because I'm not really his friend, I am a shit sister, and a shit daughter, and since I moved away 20 years ago, I've distanced myself from everyone so much that he didn't think to invite me.

I'm not going to the wedding at the end of the month - I had to get a new passport, which I still don't have due to a name change that I had 30 years ago which I am struggling to prove, as I got married in 2004 and no longer have the deed for. I've spent the last 3 months back and forth to solicitors for statutory declarations and all sorts, but it's not happening in time, so regardless of everything else, I can't go.

He has put me under tremendous pressure to be there since my last thread - I'm not sure why, since he clearly hates me, but here we are. So I called him last night to tell him that I wouldn't be there and he just spent an hour telling me what an awful person I am.

So I've cut him off, sadly. The whole situation has been beyond stressful - it's affected me so much, I haven't been eating or sleeping properly, and there hadn't been a day since that this situation hasn't been at the forefront of my mind.

He was so, so vile to me last night that I'm actually relieved that it's done. I never ever thought it would come to this, but I feel like I can breathe again. I just want to say thank you all again for the massive amount of support you gave me at the time, you will never know how much you all helped me. Mumsnet support at it's best. 💐

Thanks for updating @SweetBabyCheesus . Sorry things have been so awful. At least you won't be wasting any more money.
Hope you can enjoy some peace.
All the best 💐

Thank you. I've had enough of it all now, and I really didn't want to dredge it all back up again, but I didn't want to be that poster that never updates, because everyone was so kind.

I've sort of made my peace with it now. It was never going to end well.

Sad for you that it isn’t a better update I remember your original posts, that was a shitty thing for him to do and there was never going to be a good explanation.

I hope you are able to put it behind you, sounds like you’ve done everything you could have done to help maintain a relationship but sometimes that relationship isn’t worth saving

Weirdly, I'm not even that sad. I'm just detached, and a bit indifferent really. I really thought that there would be an opportunity for me to send a wedding card, or a video message or something on the day, but it's not happening.

The last few months have taught me a lot, about myself too.

I remember your other thread OP and I've just gone back and re read your posts on it.
The hurt you felt was just painful to read.
I think cutting him off is the only outcome that will give you peace.
You come over as such a self aware and decent person.

I thought I was! Until he absolutely assinated my character and made me question everything I thought I knew about myself. So I had to draw a line. "Protecting my peace", I believe the youngsters call it.

How has your mum and sister dealt with it?
This is very sad to read, I was hoping he would have reached out finally and apologised.

So sorry it ended this way @SweetBabyCheesus , I remember your thread and they don’t deserve you. I hope this gives you some closure and you can move on and leave your crappy brother and the rest of them behind.

I remember your thread OP.

I don't have any form of relationship with my sister anymore. I've spent years trying to work out what I'd done, how I'd upset her.... and the reality is that she's just a nasty piece of work, and by not being in contact, she's no longer got me as her target. My life is so much quieter and calmer without her in it. And thankfully our Mum has quietly accepted the situation for what it is now. Sometimes you just have to cross that bridge and set fire to it behind you for your own sanity.

How utterly awful for you. Bless you. I remember your thread - I haven’t revisited but from this latest update I can so emphasise as I had a similar situation where let my older brother crap in my ear for admittedly less time than you but it felt like an hour! He was venting and sounded so unhinged I hustled let him get it off his chest as I thought there was a risk of suicide at the time. The fact he was so angry with me hinted at his deep-seated emotions - which I think your brother has also, which is bizarre, the way they both behaved. But if they didn’t feel anything, they wouldn’t have got so worked up.

It sounds like you have moved onto the next stage which is indifference - and that shows a total lack of emotional attachment, which is sad but probably a lot healthier.

I by no means want to guilt trip you AT ALL - but something to maybe consider is why he feels so angry with you. Do you think it’s bc he’s furious you called him out and challenged him or was it bc he’s angry at you moving away and ‘deserting’ him and your parents….? The fact he wanted you at his wedding and pressured you to go was either bc wanted to punish you (by rubbing your face in your previous exclusion) or was because he did actually want you to be there.

You know him better than us and I’m not saying at all you are wrong to go NC. But it may explain his weird behaviour a bit.

edited to add - thank you for
coming back to update, well done for being so strong and hope you're ok x

My mum doesn't know yet that I've decided on no further contact. She and my sister also still maintain that I overreacted, so no change there either!

I think it's probably a mix of all those things. He honestly really isn't interested in how I feel. He said last night that I'm a professional victim and that I've always thought people are conspiring against me. That I'm trying to put myself in a tragic position to make it all about me, as he also said I did when I was upset about not being invited to the wedding. I mean - I suppose posting these threads do sort of make it look like that's the case - but it's so far from the truth that it's laughable. At least I think it is! I hate drama of any sort, I certainly don't want to be at the centre of it!

I live a quiet and peaceful life, that's how I like it. This last 6 months have been bloody awful, but it's finished now at least.

Your brother underneath it all resents you but he wants you to go to the wedding to show you'll jump through hoops to please him and get back some semblance of your former relationship. You moved away and escaped what sounds like a dysfunctional bunch of nasty bullshit like being shown your place by moves like his not inviting you to his real wedding but insisting you go to the show wedding. You were supposed to keep quiet about such a deep snub and still play your role as the lesser one.

Well, now you know where you stand with him and your other family members. I'm very sorry they've chosen to exclude you and hurt you by showing you that.

I think you're right in going no contact. There's not much to be recovered here, a hour long diatribe of hate and resentment just blew your relationship to pieces and sometimes there's no repair possible. The rest are complicit. You need a very, very long break from their bullshit. Look elsewhere for closeness, your family, to their shame, is not that for you

Exactly. I just want to go to work, and enjoy my time with my own family. Time's running out for all of us, and I don't want to waste a moment more of it feeling like I've felt this year.

We can’t choose our family as they say. I hope you realise that sometimes there is nothing more we can do than tell someone to fuck off.

I’m really sorry to hear your update @SweetBabyCheesus - I hope you are beginning to get through the storm. But your mother and sister’s reaction is so shocking. Don’t let them “flying monkey” you when they find out…

Time to move on.

Grow from this and see this as your new chapter in life.
I think it’s a good thing you cannot go!

No, after all this time, I am stronger for it, honestly. I'm not tiptoeing around everyone else any more. When I posted the original thread, I said that it had changed my relationships with them all forever, and it really has.

I think I remember the thread....you saw images on social media of something which was meant to be just but your mother actually fully dressed with all the frumpy regalia for this type of thing ....and then her downplaying it

I do too, I think somehow it's worked out exactly as it was supposed to. None of them will ever hurt me like that again.

just casual

@SweetBabyCheesus gosh I am so sad for you (I remember your previous thread). All of that was so hurtful.

But I am also happy and proud for you. You have drawn your boundaries. You can take the space and (if you want to) grieve for the loss of sibling andfamily relationships, and you can also focus on all the real connections and support that you have in other parts of your life - those that bring you warmth, deep joy, support.

Interestng about the passport issue - can you take that as a hidden benefit? You hadn't realised the complicated issues, so if you'd wanted to travel it would have been a complete nightmare... As a consequence of the potential 'abroad fake wedding' situation, you now (or soon will) have the passport situation sorted. Make the most of it. 2 fingers up to your brother and jet off to Paris!

Bravo. Sometimes people, family or otherwise, are like poison in your life. If you’re at peace with your decision, then you have made the right one. I’m in a similar situation. Been NC for many years, then had to be grown up for the sake of caring for a dying father. After his death, the whole relationship was again too stressful for both of us and we are now NC again and it is like a massive weight has been lifted. Accept the relationship is not worth the upset and move on without guilt.

If you need an old marriage certificate, in England, you can get them:
Order a birth, death, marriage or civil partnership certificate - GOV.UK

My brother got married and my parents and sister were invited, and I wasn't. I thought me and my brother were really close. He has made it very clear I was wrong.