Remember me? An Update...

[SweetBabyCheesus]

I don't know if any of you remember my thread from months back, about being the only sibling not invited to my brother's wedding, because the "real" wedding is abroad, and I'm invited to that. Here's a link to the thread, but it's a long one!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5271618-am-i-being-an-absolute-baby-over-this-need-some-advice-please?page=1

I just wanted to update the lovely and kind posters that were so amazing when I was so upset. I really didn't want to just leave it, because you were all so lovely.

It's been an awful few months to be honest. I have spoken to my brother several times since, and unfortunately all of the conversations have ended badly, culminating in the last one last night, where I ended up calling him a cunt 🤦🏻‍♀️ and hanging up on him.

It turns out that the reason I wasn't invited to the original registry office thing was because I'm not really his friend, I am a shit sister, and a shit daughter, and since I moved away 20 years ago, I've distanced myself from everyone so much that he didn't think to invite me.

I'm not going to the wedding at the end of the month - I had to get a new passport, which I still don't have due to a name change that I had 30 years ago which I am struggling to prove, as I got married in 2004 and no longer have the deed for. I've spent the last 3 months back and forth to solicitors for statutory declarations and all sorts, but it's not happening in time, so regardless of everything else, I can't go.

He has put me under tremendous pressure to be there since my last thread - I'm not sure why, since he clearly hates me, but here we are. So I called him last night to tell him that I wouldn't be there and he just spent an hour telling me what an awful person I am.

So I've cut him off, sadly. The whole situation has been beyond stressful - it's affected me so much, I haven't been eating or sleeping properly, and there hadn't been a day since that this situation hasn't been at the forefront of my mind.

He was so, so vile to me last night that I'm actually relieved that it's done. I never ever thought it would come to this, but I feel like I can breathe again. I just want to say thank you all again for the massive amount of support you gave me at the time, you will never know how much you all helped me. Mumsnet support at it's best. 💐

With hindsight, I'm starting to see how the original wedding thing happened. I think she was under strict instructions not to tell me, and she was afraid of upsetting him.
I don't for one minute think he would be abusive towards her either, I just think she finds him a bit intimidating because of how he can be. Now I haven't experienced this side of him before - but I've always been aware that he has a temper, and that he sulks if he doesn't get his own way. It's in his nature. It makes me wonder if she's seen this kind of behaviour before from him - I've only seen him ever be respectful to her though. Well, since he was a teenager 🤣

Plan something nice for the time of his wedding as thats not going to be easy.

I’ve messaged you but it may be TLTR. Short version is I had a similar ish situation and what I (eventually) learnt is the underlying problems were all his and actually absolutely none of it was about me or any of my real or imaginary flaws. The whole situation caused me considerable distress.

Even shorter version, he’s a turd you’re an innocent party hurt by his bad behaviour.

@SweetBabyCheesus about your mum's brother - isn't odd and rather unnerving how patterns repeat themselves. A very sad rift happened in my own family. I'm sad and unhappy about the situation but also, after a great deal of soulsearching and asking for honest feedback from others, at peace that it mostly wasn't my fault. Not sure how much it was the other person's either - autism is at play - but isn't it strange how the patterns repeat.

Very much so. This isn't the first time I've worried about mental health issues in the family, my mum has been on anti anxiety / antidepressants on and off for years, my sister has bipolar and possibly BPD, even my grandad suffered depression all those years ago - and he was a mental health nurse.

These are some of the many reasons that I've let it go on for such a long time - mental health is so fragile, and I never want to be the cause of upsetting anyone - but for all my effort, it's happened anyway.

You sometimes just have a draw a line and say "enough", don't you.

Unfortunately being too tolerant of poor behaviour inevitably inadvertently facilitates an entitled escalation over time IMO.

Those that behave poorly become emboldened by your acquiesce to them and it naturally escalates.

When you do eventually push back you are met with such anger and fury.

Withdrawing and not engaging further is best, as arguing with such people pours forth only further bile and is futile in my experience.

The cannot accept being challenged.

I agree, and I have learned that over these last few months. It's weird, because I have very strong boundaries in every day life, just not with my family.

I've always thought that there is something highly dubious about people who make statements like "My conscience is clear." to people they are arguing with.

It does imply the conscience is clear, despite the fact that it may not look that way on the surface, or it may not be normal behaviour.

Also rather hurtful way of saying to someone they have upset that they will not waste another thought on the rights and wrongs of the situation because they are so certain that they are in the right that it can never be challenged. but the fact they have to make that assertion, sort of shows they know deep down they know their behaviour is open to criticism.

Pompous Twit.

Yes. You do.

It takes two to have a relationship (of any sort) and truly, even if one isn't perfect sometimes, the fact is that sometimes the balance of unreasonable behaviour does lie on one side more than the other.

No point lying down being a doormat, people will only wipe their feet on you.

I have to admit that it has changed the way I am around them. I was always the one who went running, and I've always been desperate to please them.
I'm much more reserved now, and don't go out of my way for them anymore, which is sad, but it's better for my emotional health.

I'm sorry that it's made you feel like that. You have to protect yourself 💐