Remember me? An Update...

[SweetBabyCheesus]

I don't know if any of you remember my thread from months back, about being the only sibling not invited to my brother's wedding, because the "real" wedding is abroad, and I'm invited to that. Here's a link to the thread, but it's a long one!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5271618-am-i-being-an-absolute-baby-over-this-need-some-advice-please?page=1

I just wanted to update the lovely and kind posters that were so amazing when I was so upset. I really didn't want to just leave it, because you were all so lovely.

It's been an awful few months to be honest. I have spoken to my brother several times since, and unfortunately all of the conversations have ended badly, culminating in the last one last night, where I ended up calling him a cunt 🤦🏻‍♀️ and hanging up on him.

It turns out that the reason I wasn't invited to the original registry office thing was because I'm not really his friend, I am a shit sister, and a shit daughter, and since I moved away 20 years ago, I've distanced myself from everyone so much that he didn't think to invite me.

I'm not going to the wedding at the end of the month - I had to get a new passport, which I still don't have due to a name change that I had 30 years ago which I am struggling to prove, as I got married in 2004 and no longer have the deed for. I've spent the last 3 months back and forth to solicitors for statutory declarations and all sorts, but it's not happening in time, so regardless of everything else, I can't go.

He has put me under tremendous pressure to be there since my last thread - I'm not sure why, since he clearly hates me, but here we are. So I called him last night to tell him that I wouldn't be there and he just spent an hour telling me what an awful person I am.

So I've cut him off, sadly. The whole situation has been beyond stressful - it's affected me so much, I haven't been eating or sleeping properly, and there hadn't been a day since that this situation hasn't been at the forefront of my mind.

He was so, so vile to me last night that I'm actually relieved that it's done. I never ever thought it would come to this, but I feel like I can breathe again. I just want to say thank you all again for the massive amount of support you gave me at the time, you will never know how much you all helped me. Mumsnet support at it's best. 💐

Sorry to hear you've had such a rough time. Families can be very challenging. Personally I'm very, very low contact with my brother.

That would be a much more simple solution! But I can't do any of that at the moment, as my birth cert and my marriage cert are both at the passport office...

You're describing anunusual form of DARVO here - he calls you a shit sister while (a) not inviting you to one thing but (b) insisting you must attend the other, despite the passport issue that you'be described afequately here but he doesn't seem to get.

My bet is that you've dodged an expensive trip abroad where he planned to demean you anyways, so is launching his attack now.

I am so very sorry; but look after yourself now, and watch oit for yhe flying monkies he will send your way. He's a bully.

I think your passport issue saved you from a lot of heartache. From what you've said, in this thread and the previous one, I can't imagine your brother treating you well at the wedding abroad. It's far more likely that he'd pointedly ignore you, or, worse yet, stir up trouble in an effort to embarrass and/or hurt you in front of as many people as possible.

Just a thought......the reason I had an issue was because when I got my first passport I was changing my name from my first married name to my second, but I didnt declare this in the application when I used my passport number. I had forgotten that somewhere in the system was my first married name.

So......is it possible that at some point you have had a passport that you didnt know about? Thinking about when you were a child, perhaps in a step fathers name or something?

Very possible, as mentioned in my previous thread, I've had a few stepdads 😂
Either way, I no longer have the crushing pressure from anyone else now, so it can take as long as it takes at this point!

Thank you all again, you're all wonderful. I promise you that I'm not the person he would have everyone believe. I'm a kind, decent person and to feel so misjudged by someone whose opinion I really cared about, has been the worst part of all this. However, now I've taken a step back, I can see that all of the things he said came from spite, and were designed to wound me. So that's why I've walked away from it all.

Pity this idiot. Pity him because he chooses to live his life bathed in spite.

He has weaponised his wedding as a means of punishing you for moving further away and living your own life as everyone has a right to.

Instead of thinking about his new life with his poor wife to be - He's spending his time in spite, trying to assert his power over you and punishing you for not obeying and jumping when he says jump.

You cannot reason with someone like this. You've tried, I remember your last thread and you tried. He saw that not being invited to the real event hurt you and then enjoying the effect of that, he's gone to town on the next event to hurt you even more. It's a power rush for him. He gets to excommunicate someone from the family. What a big man! I'm getting the impression that he really likes displaying his importance to all and sundry. He's a damn bully.

What does he even expect to actually gain from this behaviour. Really think about that, when you doubt yourself or think that you could have handled this better. Would capitulating even change how he treats you? I highly doubt it.

You've dodged a bullet. The decision has been made now and in return the arsehole got to berate you and tear you to shreds on the phone for over an hour ( You should have hung up) When he can't do this to you anymore he will probably turn on his poor wife or someone else in the family who is lower in the pecking order.

Even if you'd gone to the wedding, he would have just used it as an excuse to be abusive. It's extraordinary that this is how he sees his actual wedding, just insane. That for him, this is what his wedding is about, so pity him.

Thank your lucky stars that you are NOT like him. I'm guessing now that you've seen what he is actually like that you will start to remember previous behaviour which you were normalised to and see it for what it was, bullying.

Block him on EVERYTHING after that hour of insane abuse. I think the rest of the family having seen how he's treated you will be too scared to make a stand on your behalf in case he turns on them, so they will go along with his nonsense.
Don't let any of them make you feel guilty for standing up for yourself and refusing to put up with this brutal treatment. They will be passing on updates - which will be upsetting - don't allow it.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this but you have won your freedom, and you have your own life and your own family and friends who love you and you know that your own children will never ever treat each other the way he has treated you.

That's a really sad update. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I think you're right to cut all contact, what a horrible man.

I blocked him on everything straight after I hung up the phone. I can't bear any more long messages telling me how awful I am, if you'd have all seen some of the messages he's sent me, it would make your hair curl. So I am free from all of it now, and that's a huge relief.

You're right in that I've thought back over years of this kind of behaviour, although not as dramatic, but I refused to see it, I think. Well, I see it now, and there's no going back.

OP I'm re-reading your original thread. You describe your brother as 'straightforward' but tbh he sounds anything but here - making up all kinds of drama about you, having held a grudge for years (which you were adamant he hadn't), assuming the worst motivations from you in a passive-aggressive way - where has this all come from? Is this what he was always like?

He said last night that I'm a professional victim and that I've always thought people are conspiring against me.

In this case though - you were right!? They were deliberately not telling you about the wedding?

He doesn't sound what I'd call 'straightforward', he sounds like a drama queen ready to fly off the handle at any minor perceived slight.

I'm not telling you 'you're wrong' or anything, I'm actually quite curious about where this has all come from with him.

I have a very hands-off relationship with my siblings and it's fine, so the idea of being best mates and spending loads of time with each other is alien enough, let alone when he claims to have felt this way the whole time!

Anyway you have my very best wishes as this sounds, quite frankly, a very strange and horrible situation.

Well,

I wasn't here for the original story, but updates are cool. You can join me in my club: I was no longer invited to my sister's wedding when I declined her invitation as Maid of honor.

Should I have stood up in her wedding? Was I careless and out of line? I mean, after all, she did call me a BAD MOTHER in front of a large family gathering the Christmas prior; all due to my son having autism-and it being MY FAULT... (If that is the case, why is she so anti-vaxxer with her children, a stickler on all foods for her entire household, and the worst helicopter parent ever known even though they are 17, 19 and 22 now?!). Great kids she has-don't get me wrong. Despite her ways they are healthy smart and socially normal-even gifted with great looks!

But was her comment and need to have us not be together at her ceremony worth our future of missed holidays, missed children's birthday parties, milestones, if anything a babysitter on hand when you need a breather with your hubs?! (She totally invited and allowed for my abusive at the time sons father and boyfriend attend the ceremony....). Twisted.

We don't talk to this day. But always remember the golden rule, because that will come back around. Upon my mother's deathbed she shut my father out of her and his grand children's. lives. Yeah, it's a shame she is on disability now. as he got so fed up he literally cut her out of the Will!

Always count your blessings. be a decent human being no matter how you respect-level of another person, and don't manifest stuff by your own actions or words you wouldn't want to come true to you.

I had no idea that he felt like this about me! In my original thread, I think I described him as one of my best friends, because that's what I thought.

In this case though - you were right!? They were deliberately not telling you about the wedding? Right?? Honestly it's laughable isn't it?

I also described him as very difficult but that I loved him warts and all - he can't do that for me though!

Anyway, fuck him. It's done and I already feel like I might have the first good night's sleep that I've had in months. No more waking up with that feeling of dread in my stomach, no more anxiety dreams, no more OMG THE WEDDING as soon as I'm awake!

Absolutely. Off he fucks to his life of lashing out, while you can't hear him.

You obviously really tried to get the family to understand and they just won't. They seem to want just to be allowed to go on as before with you being to blame if you dont make yourself available to be treated badly. Your decision is a good one. You might want to rethink how uou respond with the rest of the family especially if he tries to get to you through them, or thry continue yo portray uou as at fault. Good luck and I've been really impressed with how brave you've been in trying to tackle it and then facing the reality of the situation.

It must be exhausting to live like that. He's always been pretty argumentative and confrontational, but I've never really seen it until this year - and you can be sure I'll never let him anywhere near emotionally close enough to do it again.

I have cried and snotted down the phone to all of them over this. They just refuse to understand why I could possibly be so upset. My mum and my sister both asked me separately whether I need HRT ffs. I'm so insulted by the fact that the only possible reason that I could 'overreact' like this, is hormones 🙄

Does he think you’re an awful person? Or is that what he said cos he got angry when challenged, knows he did the wrong thing and instead of acknowledging that - or at the very, very least, conceding that you have a right to your feelings and leaving a sibling out could hurt, regardless of whether he’d decided it would or should - he tore down every aspect of your being. Very mature.

Anyway, let him hang as he grows, nobody needs that in their life.

Well when I first spoke to him weeks after he left me out of his real wedding, firstly he said that he hadn't thought of inviting me because it would be too far for me to travel (to London) - but I was expected to go to the other wedding abroad.
Then that changed to that hadn't invited me because we weren't close as I thought we were.
Then it changed again to me not being invited because I'm a piece of shit... So who knows?

After they’ve got over the ‘she’s disagreeing with us so she must be ill’ stage they may move to the ‘but it’s upsetting me so please do X’, then ‘but he really wants Y, won’t you just do it’ … all without a single reference or question about your feelings. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Then ultimately, it's been because I don't care about anyone else, that I never make any effort, that I've distanced myself from everyone, so why would he invite me? But he's kicking off like mad because I'm not going to the other wedding? Make it make sense.

Not a chance. I may have already allowed this to go on for far too long, but my boundaries were set very clearly yesterday and I will not budge on that.

I don’t think he hates you or dislikes you but I think he has a lot of resentment towards you for moving away from family. I am not agreeing with his reasons for resentment but that’s what I can understand as he clearly cares about you attending his ‘real’/ main wedding.

Also, about changing his reasons for not inviting you to registry wedding, it seems like first time he gave an excuse but eventually he told you his real reason that he thinks as a sibling you have distanced yourself from them.

You have a right to move away from this drama. It was his fault that he decided to single not invite you for his registry wedding to make a point / punish you from living away from them. 150 miles is not that far but maybe for some families it is. There are families they live in different countries for all sort of reasons but don’t punish each other for this.

Also because he is the youngest. Maybe he has been the baby of the family and has not learnt to take ownership of own hurtful behaviour and expected you to let it go.

I don't understand. If things were bad enough between you for you to change your name, move far, far away, and then barely see them, weren't the relationships already dead in the water so to speak?

Either way, it's good you have clarity and can move forward.