Remember me? An Update...

[SweetBabyCheesus]

I don't know if any of you remember my thread from months back, about being the only sibling not invited to my brother's wedding, because the "real" wedding is abroad, and I'm invited to that. Here's a link to the thread, but it's a long one!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5271618-am-i-being-an-absolute-baby-over-this-need-some-advice-please?page=1

I just wanted to update the lovely and kind posters that were so amazing when I was so upset. I really didn't want to just leave it, because you were all so lovely.

It's been an awful few months to be honest. I have spoken to my brother several times since, and unfortunately all of the conversations have ended badly, culminating in the last one last night, where I ended up calling him a cunt 🤦🏻‍♀️ and hanging up on him.

It turns out that the reason I wasn't invited to the original registry office thing was because I'm not really his friend, I am a shit sister, and a shit daughter, and since I moved away 20 years ago, I've distanced myself from everyone so much that he didn't think to invite me.

I'm not going to the wedding at the end of the month - I had to get a new passport, which I still don't have due to a name change that I had 30 years ago which I am struggling to prove, as I got married in 2004 and no longer have the deed for. I've spent the last 3 months back and forth to solicitors for statutory declarations and all sorts, but it's not happening in time, so regardless of everything else, I can't go.

He has put me under tremendous pressure to be there since my last thread - I'm not sure why, since he clearly hates me, but here we are. So I called him last night to tell him that I wouldn't be there and he just spent an hour telling me what an awful person I am.

So I've cut him off, sadly. The whole situation has been beyond stressful - it's affected me so much, I haven't been eating or sleeping properly, and there hadn't been a day since that this situation hasn't been at the forefront of my mind.

He was so, so vile to me last night that I'm actually relieved that it's done. I never ever thought it would come to this, but I feel like I can breathe again. I just want to say thank you all again for the massive amount of support you gave me at the time, you will never know how much you all helped me. Mumsnet support at it's best. 💐

Narcs all show their true colours if you use one simple word
"No"

Watch them rage ...

Ah, ok. In that case, I can fully understand. Sorry they are being awful to you

Oh @SweetBabyCheesus I remember your thread & posted on it (I've NC since). I can really really empathise - you must feel cast adrift by the people who should love you best. There should be a sort of "home" and certainty about belonging to & being included in one's birth family.

I've come to realise that as the eldest child in a large family, I'm really triggered by being left out of things in my life more generally. I think for me it comes from being the eldest, and having had to step aside since I was 16 months old when my next sibling down was born (there were 4 more after that) - they were quite sickly and took a lot of time & attention.

It's meant that in other areas of my life I really have to control reactions of exclusion going back to babyhood - often triggered by quite normal incidents of not being part of things for reasonable reasons. I know I remove myself sometimes from situations where I expect to be excluded - getting in first (or leaving first!) so I won't be hurt by what feels like will be an inevitable exclusion. It's a lifelong piece of work on myself to try to not react so self-sabotagingly ...

But this situation is not of your making, nor self-sabotage. Your brother is treating you with cruelty and disdain. It's horrible, and I'm so sorry. The exclusion is really clear.

I think your brother's tirade is probably because deep down, he knows he's behaving irrationally and cruelly. It's a version of DARVO.

But I know that is no comfort to you. It's a personal exclusion from your own family. They are behaving as if they don't care about or love you. Or that you are not part of your family. That's so basic and unsettling. I hope you can find a way through this. One of my friends went through a family exclusion and wrote a letter of divorce from her family - she didn't send it, of course, but she took agency of her relationship with her mother & brothers.

I also hope you have good friends around you who can affirm you. I wish there were something we could all do to help you. Big unMumsnetty hugs.

I remember your post ..: this sounds utterly draining and heart breaking ( for you) in equal measures.

What a lovely post, thank you all so much 💐

I don't think I've ever experienced anything quite as emotionally draining ever before... And I've been divorced twice! 🤣

I've read both your threads and really admire how you've handled things. I know from experience that it can't have been easy.

My eureka moment was when I found out that my entire family (mum, dad, my sister, my brother and his wife and kids) were going on a family holiday together to somewhere important to all of us, but hadn't bothered to invite me, as they "didn't think I'd want to go."
I only found out by accident as one of my dn's let it slip.
I was the only sibling not invited, and even if they thought I'd say no, why not ask at least?!

I would've loved to go, and sadly my df died not long after so I missed out on that precious time with him, and those memories.

Like you, my family all thought I'd overreacted when I said I was upset at not being asked.

I remember you well, @SweetBabyCheesus

I'm so sorry it ended like this with your brother. Shocking that he's handled it like this.

How are things with your mother... will contact with her be difficult now? Or will she avoid the subject of your brother? She too let you down very badly.

You deserved none of this.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. So many people have had similar experiences, it's awful!

My relationship with my mum has suffered a bit I'm afraid, because of the collusion about the other wedding. We're still the same, we still talk, but I have said in no uncertain terms that I will never trust any of them the same again 🤷🏻‍♀️ What did they expect?
I do understand that she can't take sides, I have adult children of my own, and their relationship can be rocky, but honestly she can't see that that WAS taking sides. She's 77. I'm not falling out with her about it, but she definitely knows how I feel!

@DowntonAbbeyorbust this is so sad to read. How did you move on from that? I would find that very hard to forgive.

Hi @DowntonAbbeyorbust just read your comment. Sorry to hear that. I don’t understand that even if they think you wouldn’t want to go why not ask? It’s really malicious. It’s organising something in secret. Do you think your DF was in it as well? Or he would have liked you to go? What’s the situation with your family now?

@DowntonAbbeyorbust I cannot for the life of me understand how anyonel could think that's acceptable!

@SweetBabyCheesus I’m so sorry this didn’t end the way you’d hoped. I remember your previous thread and felt truly heartbroken for you, as I also share a very close bond with my own brother.
Your brother comes across as quite argumentative and a bully.
If he treats you this way, I can imagine he may behave similarly with his wife, which doesn’t set the stage for a very happy marriage.
And if he has even a shred of a conscience, the guilt could weigh on him which will likely make him irritable and moody in the long run.

I'm glad that at least you can still talk to your mother to some degree @SweetBabyCheesus

At some point she might try and ask you to make up with your brother, especially as she feels her own end approaching. Might need to plan how to handle that.

Fortunately (in this situation anyway!) she had a similar issue with her own late brother. They were really close for many years, but he was diagnosed eventually with paranoid schizophrenia as it was then - and he used to write awful cruel abusive letters to my mum and all her siblings, and my grandparents. They were estranged for a good few years before he died. I know she knows how I feel, on a certain level at least.

She wouldn't risk our relationship. She knows that I will not hesitate to do the same if she starts any of that nonsense.

He assured me plenty of times that his conscience is clear, apparently! So I genuinely don't know if he would have any regret, even years down the line.

I don’t like to throw this word around but could he be a bit of a narcissist? Certainly sounds like one.

I'm honestly not sure, it's something that I hadn't really thought of tbh! He definitely has some narcissistic traits, but I worry that I do as well, because that's sort of what he implied when we argued.

Sorry @DowntonAbbeyorbust that's terrible.

OP, he sounds like a self absorbed covert narcissist with anger issues.

He has had years of resentment because you moved and couldn't resist punishing you for not chasing him sufficiently.

He was 100% deliberate in his actions.
Now it has blown back in his face, you are not going and you get the real him.
The ugly, nasty, unstable him.

My younger brother thought he could behave like that by sending me a nasty text around our mothers funeral as he felt he could dictate my involvement.
I never responded. Complete and utter silence from me since then.
I didn't block him, just left him on unread.

Life is just too short.
Live your life and enjoy all your blessings.
Be glad you need never have contact with him again.

Keep your mother and sister on a major information diet, grey rock them.
They are not good people.
Rejoice in your many blessings and let go of those that would take your peace.

Long term, this is a good outcome.
Sleep well.

You know, I honestly feel like such a weight has been lifted... This whole situation has been going on since January, and I didn't realise how much its been affecting me. I work from home, and I work weekends, and I have been so productive and happy today. I'm in no doubt it was the right decision.

Your brother sounds like more trouble than he is worth. He must know you can't make the passport appear out of thin air. You're better off without him. I'd be drawing a line underneath it all and moving onwards.

I don't think he even believes that I've applied for it! He thinks I just can't be arsed and I'm making excuses.

He knows me well enough to know that I hate feeling misjudged - that's why he's done this.

@SweetBabyCheesus Your brother behaved awfully to
wards you and you were right to cut contact. However as you were not aware about any sort of issues and all this hate and blame was out of the blue for you I wondered if anyone on the family did shit stirring regularly about you to your brother. I would suspect your mum. You said that you were in good relationship with her but if it was like that, she should have questioned that you were not invited and she didn’t. She was in contact with you mostly so she could have been passing your conversations in a certain way. She could have commented on you not being there for this and that with lots of drama and emotions rather then saying to your brother the real reasons e.g that you had health issues/ difficult time at work or whatever it was.
So I would be really careful about what you are saying to her. The same applies to your sister and to your stepdad.